Taking a page from their assignment, I have decided to compile it into a play.

THE DAY BEFORE THE OLYMPICS

A white BBC reporter is standing outside the stadium, speaking directly into a camera.

Reporter: Today, Nigeria is making history as the first African country to ever host the Olympics. Athletes from every part of the world will be landing in the country today鈥�

A random Nigerian passerby comes to stand behind him and waves into the camera. The reporter stops.

Reporter: Please, we are recording here.

Man: I know. I came to collect omo onile money. 

Reporter: What?

Man: 12k.

Reporter: The government said we can record here.

Man: And where did you see the government here?

The reporter gives him some money and he walks away. The reporter goes back to reporting.

Reporter: According to reports reaching me, the Jamaican team is now at Murtala Muhammed Airport and will be heading to the鈥� 

(The reporter stops and presses the earpiece in his right ear) What? What? (He looks straight into the camera) The Jamaican team has been taken from the airport by law enforcement officials. They say all of them have dreadlocks. (The reporter pauses to hear the news coming to him) Even Usain Bolt?

Reporter: News reaching us now is that Usain Bolt has also been taken into custody. And even though he doesn鈥檛 have dreads, the Nigerian police think he looks like a scammer.

A day before the Olympics. The reporter is sitting with Nigeria鈥檚 Honourable Minister of Youth and Sports Development, Mr. Sunday Akin Dare and other ministers.

Reporter: Honorable minister, the swim team has been complaining that there is no water in their hostel to take a bath.

Sunday Dare: Is it not swim they are going to swim tomorrow? Why do they need to bathe?

Reporter: We have not seen half of the American team since they arrived. Do you know where they might be?

Sunday Dare: Me too I have not seen them.

Reporter: When will the kits be ready? The games start tomorrow.

Sunday Dare: Let me call our tailor (He calls Abba) Hello?…. When??? 鈥�. Are you sure?? 鈥�. Don鈥檛 shift it again o! Okay. Okay!

Reporter: When will they get it?

Sunday Dare: December 12.

Reporter: But today is August 6th.

Sunday Dare: That鈥檚 what he told me. Abi you will talk to him?

Reporter: Mr. Lai, viewers from around the world are complaining that they may not be able to watch the Olympics.

Lai: Do they have NTA? It鈥檚 only NTA that will show it.

DAY OF THE OLYMPICS.

Everybody is standing outside the gate waiting for the stadium to be open.

Sunday Dare: (yells) Who carry key go house yesterday?!

Sellers and vendors start arranging their wares in front of the stadium. 

Vendor: Buy Gold Medal! No need to enter, buy gold here!

The gates are finally opened and everybody enters.

Commentator: The games have begun! Let the Olympic torch be lit!

Yoruba people: Ha

Commentator: Where is the Olympic torch?

Yoruba people: We used it to cook party rice oh. 

The athletes are preparing to start. President Buhari and other dignitaries are sitting in the stands.

Commentator 1: The relay will be starting soon but it appears the batons have disappeared.

A young man runs out with a basket and hands the athletes something.

Commentator 2: Are those brooms?

Buhari: HAY-FI-SIII!

Commentator 2: Back to the 100 meters race.

An athlete slumps.

Commentator: (screams) We need first aid on the field!

Sunday Dare: Go and pour glucose in her mouth!

Nigerian official: Someone has licked glucose finish o.

Sunday Dare: (yells at the athlete) STAND UP IN THE NAME OF JESOS!

Commentator: It is time for the indoor javelin game. And now, England steps up. She is going for it.

As the England athlete is about to throw it, the power goes out and the javelin lands next to Lai Mohammed but he holds his face and screams.

Lai: (yells) NO MORE UK VISA FOR ANYBODY!

Nigerians: 

Commentator 1: The next Javelin throw is from Nigeria.

Solomon Dalung steps up.

Commentator: What is he doing? That is not a javelin!

Solomon Dalung aims at Sunday Dare.

Sunday Dare: IF YOU SHOOT ME!

A fight ensues.

Commentators:

The medal ceremony is being held and all the winners are ready to be presented their medals.

Commentator: Where are the medals? There appear to be none.

Sunday Dare: The welder we gave the job to, his mummy is sick so he went to the village. So we will give you souvenirs.

Commentator: What?

Sunday Dare walks up to the winners and hands them a baff with the inscription 鈥楢dieu Mama T, courtesy children.鈥� 

Everyone:

THE END OF THE OLYMPICS.

Reporter: We have come to the end of a very eventful olympics. Nigerians have been so welcoming. Some of them have chosen to see the athletes off.

Nigerians at the airport:

Reporter: And some athletes have chosen to stay back as they seem to have found love in a clearly hopeless place. I鈥檝e been Mark Zugarbe, for BBC.

Nigerians at Ikoyi registry:

The cameraman turns off his camera.

Cameraman: When is our flight back to England then?

Reporter: Oh I wouldn鈥檛 hold my breath. Our pilot has been stuck in traffic for four hours. Just get your passport ready f鈥� (he checks his pockets) Did you take my passport?

Cameraman: No. (searches his pocket too) Wait. Mine is gone as well.

Like every other thing that comes from Nigeria, your international passport just wants to travel out, enjoy life and flex on the gram but you no get money. *insert clown emoji*

So here is everything your international passport wants to say to you.

It鈥檚 another frustrating day in Buhari鈥檚 country. Rain water has entered your house, nepa is doing shedibalabala with your current and KPOW – that鈥檚 the sound of your transformer exploding.

You鈥檙e insulting Nigeria on Twitter when a 鈥淪tudy and Work in Canada鈥� ad flashes on your phone. You lift up your bed and bring out your passport. 

Passport: I don鈥檛 know why you were hiding me oh. It鈥檚 not like anybody wants to steal empty passport from you.

You:

Passport: Abeg bring me out for fresh air. No go kill me.

You put the passport on the table and google 鈥淗ow to apply for a visa to Canada鈥�.

Passport: Just look at me. My mates are carrying visa and ticket. It鈥檚 nepa bill that they are using me to hold鈥� Oga?

You: What?!

Passport: Did they say you should just be collecting passport and not be using it? 

You: Shut up your mouth.

Passport: (mumbles) If they are even using me to sell akara, it is better than all this nonsense.

You check your passport for the expiry date and find out it is expired.

You: Shit.

Passport: See your mouth like 鈥渟hit鈥�. Why won鈥檛 I expire? Are you using me?

PASSPORT OFFICE

You鈥檝e paid for express passport and  you鈥檙e waiting for the officer. She comes out with a bunch of green passports.

Officer: You asked for 64 pages abi?

You nod. The officer hands you your passport.

Your passport: Where are you going that you鈥檙e collecting 64-page passport?

Official: What is the primary purpose of the passport?

You: I want to travel out.

Passport: It鈥檚 a lie oh. He wants to use me as ID card.

You:

Passport: Or have you ever travelled out?

You: (to the officer) I will be going to Canada this year.

Passport: 

You shove your passport into your breast pocket.

Passport: Chinedu? You didn鈥檛 baff today? Why is everywhere on your body smelling like goat? Is this why they don鈥檛 give us visa?

You鈥檙e walking to the bus stop with your passport and a Range Rover zooms past you and splashes some water on your body.

You shout in anger and the Range stops. A woman comes out of the car.

You: See how you stain my body with water!! Do you know where I am going?

Passport: Where are you going? Is it airport? Is it not your house?!

Woman: (with a British accent) I am sooo sorry. Here, let me get you to your destination.

You: It鈥檚 okay. My house is not far.

Passport: You better let them carry you, so that I can collect small AC and pretend I am in Canada. Because it is not like you will take me.

In the car.

Woman: (with her British accent) Where can I drop you?

You: (forced accent) Actually just down that street. 

Passport: When did you travel out to collect accent?

You: I just want to get my car.

Passport: Which stupid car?

Woman: Great. Is that your passport I see peeking?

Passport: Mummy is me, ma. Take me with you. Use me for trips. Save me from this oloriburuku.

You tuck your passport further in.

Passport: My mates are seeing Dubai, I am seeing 3k okirika shirt.

The car stops.

Woman: I鈥檓 sorry again for the splash. Let鈥檚 have dinner sometime?

Passport: You better say yes, werey. So they can carry us and travel.

You: Sorry, I have a girlfriend.

Passport: (stunned, then dejected) I will die in poverty.

Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

What鈥檚 not to love about ATMs? If you just ignore the long queues, bad network, and occasional swallowing of cards, ATMs are a lifesaver. 

They do their jobs and let you go about your day. But what if you were stuck in a parallel universe where ATMs could speak?

It鈥檚 5 a.m. A young man named Kunle leaves his house with his debit card and heads for the ATM down the road.

Kunle arrives and inserts his card into the machine. Nothing happens. Kunle slaps the machine to get it to work but still, nothing. He slaps it harder and the machine blinks to life.

ATM: Yes? What again?

Kunle asks to withdraw 鈧�50,000.

ATM: 

Kunle slaps the machine again.

ATM: When did you put N50k that you want to collect?

Kunle: Okay. Give me 鈧�20K then.

ATM: From where? Which job are you doing that you want to be seeing  鈧�20k? Is it not just to rub nixoderm and eat corn that you know? 

Kunle inserts another card and asks for 鈧�10,000.

ATM: Kunle, you go chop slap. You go chop slap this morning!

The next set of people are two girls named Linda and Tochi. They step up to the machine and Linda inserts her card, requesting for 鈧�100,000.

Linda: It鈥檚 time for me to shake my ass on a yacht! 

Both of them: In Dubai! In a thong!

ATM: It鈥檚 not only thong. Linda, it’s 鈧�302.56 that is in your account. 

Tochi: Let鈥檚 use my card.

ATM: Put it.

Tochi inserts her card and attempts to withdraw 鈧�100,000.

ATM: You can鈥檛 even pretend and press 鈧�1,500. Who do you want to form for? More than 鈧�5K usually enter your account?

The next person steps up. It鈥檚 a middle aged man named Baba Kafayah and his wife, Iya Kafayah. Baba Kafayah puts his card into the machine and asks for &苍产蝉辫;鈧�25,000.

ATM: Ah Baba Kafayah, good morning o. It鈥檚 the last money in your account that you gave Sidi yesterday. 

Mama Kafayah: EHN?!

ATM: He gave her for bum bum cream…

Baba Kafayah: (cuts in angrily) Shut up! Who say you should talk!

ATM: 鈥� And he gave Kudi money for wig.

Baba Kafayah:

Baba Kafayah:  Iya Kafayah, will you believe machine or your husband?

ATM: I can print the receipt for you. He used to bring Tola here too.

The ATM pushes out a receipt and Mama Kafayah starts to pull Baba Kafayah out of the queue, by his ear.

Iya Kafayah: 

Baba Kafayah: Sidi said bumbum is paining her. So I can鈥檛 help someone again?

A couple steps up, and the man, Chike, kisses the woman, Lolade, on her cheek. He proceeds to make his withdrawal while Lolade waits behind him.

Lolade: Babe, I鈥檓 so grateful you鈥檙e helping me with my fees. I really have nothing left in my account.

Chike smiles and punches the machine but after a while, he turns to Lolade.

Chike: Babe, the network is bad. The machine is not dispensing.

ATM: I am not dispensing abi you are putting the wrong pin?

ATM: No dey cut eye for me. Use your original pin and collect money!

Lolade: Chike? Is that true?

ATM: It鈥檚 true, he no wan give you money. Spend this money Oga Chike! But Madam, shey you won鈥檛 spend on bros as well.. Shey Chief just put 鈧�5 million in your account?

Chike:

Lolade: 

ATM: You people should please shift, I have work this morning.

Two men walk up to the machine. The first man, Kola, is in his late 20s and his companion is his father, Baba Kola.

Baba Kola: Remove the school fees I gave you last week.

Kola tries to insert his card. 

ATM: Ehs! If you put that card inside me, I will swallow it. Baba, his money is not here. It is in Silver Fox; inside woman鈥檚 pant.

Another man, Hakeem, walks up to the machine and inserts his card. He withdraws &苍产蝉辫;鈧�100,000 and goes in for more. He withdraws another &苍产蝉辫;鈧�100,000. He asks to withdraw another &苍产蝉辫;鈧�100,000.

ATM: Don鈥檛 lie, you鈥檙e just coming back from Oba, abi?

At night, an old man, Pa Saka, comes to the ATM, holding a calabash. He starts to read incantations. Pa Saka inserts his card.

Pa Saka: It is only 鈧�2,500 that is inside this card but I want you to vomit  鈧�2 million.

ATM: Another day, another madness.

ATM: I used to think this white hair on your head is wisdom. I didn鈥檛 know it was for fashion.

Pa Saka: Vomit money!

ATM: *swallows card* Go to the bank tomorrow and explain what you were doing here.

A group of armed robbers rush in and start trying to remove the ATM. They keep trying but fail. They turn to Pa. Saka.

Robbers: Give us all your money!

Pa Saka: I don鈥檛 have any money. ATM just swallowed my card now now.

Pa Saka鈥檚 last 鈧�2,500 comes out of the ATM.

ATM: You can take this one.

The robbers snatch it and leave.

Pa Saka: You know you鈥檙e mad?

ATM shrugs. Pa Saka leaves in tears

Baba Kayafah sneaks back to the ATM – this time without Iya Kafayah – and inserts his card.

ATM: Werey, another person don get bumbum pain abi?

Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

Except when the GPS is voiced by your Nigerian mother. Heavy sigh.

It鈥檚 morning and a guy, casually dressed, steps into his Mercedes Benz and turns on the ignition.

As the engine revs, he enters a location into his phone and maps his route. He starts to drive. 

GPS: And where are you going without morning devotion?

David: Mummy, I鈥檓 in a hurry.

GPS: But God was not in a hurry to wake you up today.

David:

GPS: (hisses) Father Lord, we commit…

David impatiently taps the steering as his mother prays. She finishes and he starts to drive out of the compound.

GPS: I can see you have started wearing skeleton chain and doing your hair like garage boys. Is this what you want to be doing with your life?

David:

David: Mummy please, what I need to know now is the fastest route to where I am going.

GPS: Ask your father鈥檚 people. His sister is a witch, she will know.

David: Mummy! This thing is in your system.

GPS: Wait, let me wear glasses. And don鈥檛 rush me because you have started鈥� Pass that left there.

David steps on the brake and makes a sharp turn.

GPS: Do you want to kill me, David? I鈥檝e told you to stop driving like armed robber. Slow down, my friend.

David: (rolls eyes)

GPS: Enter that estate.

David: Mum, that is off route.

GPS: Are you going to believe that thing or are you going to listen to your mother?

David turns and drives into the estate.

GPS: You see that grey house? That鈥檚 where Dimeji and his wife are living. Their first child is already talking, I went to his baby’s dedication, last year. Where is your own family? Or is it until I die?

David: (sigh) Mum, I am working on it.

David鈥檚 phone announces – 鈥淚ncoming call from Shedi Bala Bala鈥�.

David rushes to turn it off but it is too late.

David:

GPS: (silence)

David: (coughs)

GPS: And that鈥檚 what you鈥檙e working on abi?

David: (silence)

GPS: You are just doing your life bala bala. And it鈥檚 not me you are doing, it鈥檚 you. Me, I have married. Just come out of the estate and let鈥檚 be going.

David continues driving.

GPS: Stop here! Stop! Park the car!

David: What is wrong?

GPS: (shouts) Mama Juliana! (to David) Help me call her now!

David calls for a woman in a small kiosk and she comes out.

GPS: Ahnahn, Mama Julie, I didn鈥檛 see you at the meeting last weekend o.

Mama Juliana: Haa, Mummy David. I sick one kain sick like that.

GPS: Abi Papa Juliana don put another one for there?

David: Mummy, this is not on my schedule.

GPS: You were not on my schedule either but here we are.

David:

45 minutes later.

GPS: Bye bye o, Mama Julie. Ehn ehn, what about鈥�

David speeds off.

GPS: This is what I usually say about not having respect.

David sees a woman standing by the roadside holding a bottle of water. He stops.

David: Lillian?

Lillian: David! Oh My God!

David: Hop in! I鈥檒l drive you.

Lillian gets in.

Lillian: It is so great to see you, My God! Oh, where can I put this bottle?

GPS: Put it on my head. You cannot greet abi?

Lillian: (taken aback)

David: It鈥檚鈥� (sigh) It鈥檚 my mum.

Lillian: Good evening ma. I鈥檓 sorry.

GPS: Sorry for yourself.

David: Mama, where should I pass now?

GPS: How will I know, now that you have gone to carry somebody, maybe you should find your way yourself.

David: Should I go straight?

GPS: No, fly off the bridge.

20 MINUTES LATER.

GPS: We have gotten there. Praise Master Jesus.

David and Lillian: (confused)

David: Lillian, is this where you are going?

Lillian: No.

David: This isn鈥檛 my destination either.

GPS: I know. It is where I want to buy lace material for Baba Peju鈥檚 golden jubilee. Now, David, enter inside and price Swedish Lace for me. And don鈥檛 come with rubbish or you will go back.

David: Mum, this is not where I am going!

GPS: Inside hangout and this place that I will get lace, which one is better? Come on, enter inside and do what I asked you to do! And I want to sleep small. I have been talking since morning, and you know I don鈥檛 like to talk too much.

David grumbles and walks in.

Lillian:

GPS: Do you use to read the book of Corinthians?

Disaster. 

On this episode of #JustImagine, Catwoman meets her Nigerian in-laws and things get very weird.

There is a small crowd in the living room. People are eating, gisting and laughing when Kene and Catwoman walk into the house. Catwoman is dressed in a tight-fitting black spandex suit with a tail. She is also wearing a mask and holding a black whip. Everyone appears a little confused.

Kene: Good Afternoon Papa, Mama.

Kene鈥檚 parents: Welcome, my son.

Kene and Catwoman take a seat.

Kene鈥檚 father: (adjusts glasses) And who is this?

Kene: The girl I have been telling you about. My girlfriend. Catwoman.

Catwoman: (smiles) MEOW

Everybody: 

Kene鈥檚 Father:

Kene鈥檚 mother: 

Kene鈥檚 aunty:

Kene鈥檚 father: You want to marry cat?

Kene: (sigh) She鈥檚 not a cat.

Catwoman: (nods) I am not鈥� MEOWW

Kene鈥檚 Uncle: Na cat o.

Kene鈥檚 mother:

Kene鈥檚 father: If I marry cat, will I have born you? 

Kene:

Kene鈥檚 aunty, Mama Patrick, whispers to her son.

Mama Patrick: Maybe, that鈥檚 why they have not given you visa. Because of this cat.

Patrick: Na true.

Kene: Aunty, Patrick is an armed robber. That鈥檚 why they refused his visa.

Patrick: Who say I am an armed robber?

Mama Patrick: You too be hiding your gun now!

Kene’s cousin comes in.

Kene: Nasiru, take my girlfriend鈥檚 load inside.

Nasiru: So I can turn to cat?

Kene鈥檚 father: Enough! We have seen her, and we will accept her. What do you want to eat my dear?

A rat runs by. Catwoman catches and chews it.

Mama Kene: 

Papa Kene: And you鈥檙e sure you鈥檙e not spitting out the Holy Communion they use to give us in church, Kene?

Kene: (sighs)

Kene: Babe, you too stop eating rat now.

Catwoman: Sorry, it was just juicy. Want some?

Mama Kene: (shocked) You are eating asin with her?

Catwoman: My baby likes it.

Mama Kene: They have get my son.

Catwoman: Please ma, sir. I want to be with your son. He is kind, patient and he takes good care of our children鈥�

Kene covers Catwoman鈥檚 mouth.

Mama Kene: Children? Whose children?

Papa Kene: Where are these children?

Catwoman removes Kene鈥檚 hands and speaks.

Catwoman: MEOW MEOW MEOW

Mama Kene: Who she dey call?

A bunch of cats walk into the house. Everywhere scatters. Mama Patrick a bible from her purse. 

Papa Kene screams loudly over the phone.

Papa Kene: Dibia, be coming o! My son wants to marry cat!

Dibia: Cat?

Papa Kene: Yes o.

Dibia: Cats have shown me pepper. I cannot come. Na dem make I no succeed for life. I no fit do am. Happy Married Life to Kene.

Outside, Catwoman finally calms down and is on the roof with her cats. Kene is persuading her to come down.

Kene: Baby, come down. Nobody will hurt you. 

Mama Kene: And tell her to be going with those cats!

Kene: Mama, they are your grandchildren!

Mama Kene: . . .

At that moment, Mama Patrick鈥檚 husband, Papa Patrick, walks into the compound.

Papa Patrick: (screams) What is going on here!

Catwoman: Chief?

Papa Patrick鈥� eyes budge.

Catwoman: Chief?

Papa Patrick: Which chief? Do I know you?

Catwoman: Are you not the one that has been saying you will change my life?

Mama Patrick: Ehn?

Papa Patrick: I don鈥檛 know who you鈥檙e talking about.

Catwoman: Didn鈥檛 you say you will sell everything you have for me?

Mama Patrick: 

Patrick: Papa, did you sell my Xbox for woman?

Mama Patrick: You are sleeping with cat, Papa Patrick?

Catwoman plays a voice note on her phone and Papa Patrick鈥檚 voice comes on.

Baby let me show you the world. I will leave my entire family for you. My wife is not fine like that again. Even her bride price, I want to collect it back. Just let me do one, you won鈥檛 regret it. I like how you use to meow.

Mama Patrick: 

When you take a closer look, Romeo and Juliet is a classic Nigerian story. Boy meets Girl. They fall in love. But their parents refuse to agree to a union due to irreconcilable differences. Sounds familiar?

The only part of this story that doesn鈥檛 quite gel is the dying part. Nigerian men will say they鈥檇 die for you, but believe that at your own risk. On this episode of Just Imagine, we turn Romeo and Juliet into a Nigerian couple named Romanus and Julie.

JULIE鈥橲 ROOM

Romanus, a young Nigerian man in his early 30s, walks into a dark quiet room. He switches on the light and there Julie is, dead on the floor, with a bottle of pills in her cold, lifeless hand.

Romanus runs to her and starts to scream.

24 HOURS BEFORE

JULIE鈥橲 PARENTS鈥� HOUSE

Julie is standing in her parents鈥� tastefully furnished living room. She is twiddling her fingers and sulking while her parents scold her.

Julie鈥檚 mother: Who did you say you want to marry?

Julie: (mutters) Romanus.

Julie鈥檚 father: The boy that does not have bagrand?

Julie鈥檚 mother: That spent 9 years in school getting carryovers? 

Julie frowns and grumbles.

Julie: It鈥檚 ASUU strike that caused it. He forgot everything because of strike.

Julie鈥檚 father:

Julie: (mutters) That鈥檚 who I want to marry oo.

Her mother throws a slipper at her and she dodges it.

Julie鈥檚 mother: Which job is he doing that you want to marry him?! I say which job?!

Julie mutters under her breath.

Julie鈥檚 father: You can鈥檛 answer your mother?!

Julie: Hypeman

Julie鈥檚 mother: Ehn?

Julie: Hypeman at burial.

Julie鈥檚 father:

Julie鈥檚 father: Who鈥� who is he hyping?

Julie: He hypes them to heaven. Like spiritual tour guide. 

Julie鈥檚 mother removes her gele and chases her with it. Her father is still confused.

ROMANUS鈥� HOUSE.

Romanus鈥� living room. There are only two chairs, a table and a small TV.

Romanus鈥� father is passed out on a couch facing the TV. There is a bottle of local gin in his hand, which is almost slipping out of his grasp. Romanus walks in from behind.

Romanus: Papa.

No answer.

Romanus: (louder) Papa!

No answer.

Romanus clears his throat and starts hyping his father.

Romanus: One for my father, Papa Romanus. One for my Baba in heaven. One for bros Baba Jay. One for鈥�

Romanus’ father jerks awake.

Romanus’ father: ARE YOU MAD? WHO ARE YOU HYPING?!

Romanus: Papa. You鈥檝e not died?

Romanus’ father: Is your father that will die!

Romaus: You鈥檙e my father.

Romanus鈥� father: You can never be my seed!

Romanus: When you didn鈥檛 answer, I thought you had died.

Romanus’ father: It鈥檚 you and your mother鈥檚 family that will die.

Romanus: Look Papa, I don鈥檛 have time for all this one. I came to tell you that I want to marry.

Romanus’ father: (takes a swig from his bottle) What鈥檚 now my business?

Romanus: We will pay bride price.

Romanus’ father: And then?

Romanus: Won鈥檛 you help me pay it?

Romanus’ father: Is it me that want to marry? Don鈥檛 you have work?

Romanus sits.

Romanus: See Papa, people are not dying and they are not calling me to do hypeman again鈥� You too saw how I quickly started hyping you that time? I鈥檓 really looking for work.

Romanus’ father: So should I die?

Romanus: If you can die this July, it will really help me.

Romanus鈥� father:

Romanus: But even if you die, nobody will pay for your hype.

Romanus’ father: …

Romanus: So if you can pay for it now before you die, it will be good for me.

Romanus’ father:

Romanus: Papa! Papa! I am your only child oh! PAPA! WHO WILL INHERIT YOUR SHOP!

JULIE鈥橲 HOME

Julie is humming by her window when a stone hits the glass. She opens the window and steps onto a veranda. Romanus is downstairs professing his love.

Romanus: Ah Julie! Your face is like the rising sun!

Julie frowns 

Romanus: Whenever I see you like this, my head is not usually correct!

Julie: And that鈥檚 why you want to spoil our window?

Romanus: No vex now. You are always vexing! You know I can die for you now!

Julie: Eh ehn?

Romanus nods and Julie smiles.

Romanus: This smile is what will kill me.

Julie: What I am reading in this newspaper is that they are choosing people that will go to war. And if the person should die in war, they will give their wife money.

Romanus:

Julie: So can you go? So I will collect money?

Romanus: Julie…

Julie: Yes baby?

Romanus: Hope you鈥檙e not mad.

Julie: Ah ah.

Romanus: What is ah ah! I say what is ah ah? Me, I should be going to war so I can die!

Julie: But you don鈥檛 have money to pay my bride price so that鈥檚 what I am thinking now…

Romanus: So if I die, who will you marry?

Julie: Shebi our hearts belong to each other.

Romanus: You鈥檙e mad.

Julie: You too you鈥檙e mad.

Romanus checks his pocket and produces a ring.

Romanus: Anyway, I brought ring for you.

Julie: (blushes) Romanus!

Her mother comes into the balcony.

Julie鈥檚 mother: I said I don鈥檛 want to see you here again!

Romanus: Ma, I have future! I love your daughter!

Julie鈥� mother: Carry that your nonsense korope and leave this place! (to Julie) Look, someone has come to ask for your hand and he came with gifts.

Julie鈥檚 father comes in.

Julie鈥檚 father: Is she not ready y鈥�

He sees Romanus.

Julie鈥檚 father: Why is this vagabond here?!

Romanus: Sir, I love your daughter.

Julie鈥檚 father: GET OUT! I SAY 

Julie鈥檚 father starts coughing and spluttering.

Romanus: Sir!

Julie鈥檚 father: WHAT?

Romanus: Is it doing you like you want to die because I don鈥檛 know maybe you know that I do hypeman work.

Julie鈥檚 father throws a paper holder at Romanus.

As Romanus walks out of the compound, he sees a ram and starts pulling it away. He starts loading it into his bus.

The man who has come to ask for Julie鈥檚 hand in marriage, Chinedu, comes running out.

Chinedu: Are you mad? The ram I brought from my inlaws!

Romanus: Is your own?

Chinedu lunges for Romanus, and they start to fight. Juilet comes running out as Chinedu beats Romanus to a pulp.

Romanus: Julie! Julie! Come and help your husband oh.

Julie: I don鈥檛 use to put my mouth in fight oh.

HOSPITAL

Romanus is on a bed all bandaged up. Julie is by his side.

Romanus: You know you are a useless girlfriend? That man was beating me and you did not say anything!

Julie: Who ask you to carry our wedding ram?

Romanus: 

Romanus stares at her and Juliet stares back, challenging him to say nonsense.

Romanus: Doctor said you should give me kidney.

Julie: For what?

Romanus: That stupid man destroyed my kidney and now it鈥檚 only remaining one.

Julie: If I give you kidney, how many will I have?

Romanus: You know you鈥檙e young. It cannot affect you like that.

Julie:

Doctor walks in.

Doctor: He is doing well. I think he can be discharged.

Julie: What about the kidney?

Doctor: What kidney? His kidneys are perfectly fine.

Romanus:

Julie:

Romanus: What?! Won鈥檛 I sell something to pay your bride price?!

Julie: This is how I use to know that you鈥檙e mad!

PRESENT DAY

Julie is crying in her room. There is a bottle of pills by her side and a glass of water. She cries as she sends a text message.

She opens the bottle of pills and pours some into her hand. She grabs a glass of water and switches off her bedside lamp.

Romanus comes running into her room. He finds Julie on the ground.

Romanus: Julie! Julie! Julie Noooooo!!

Her mother comes crying into the room.

Romanus: Julie, I don鈥檛 want to live without you! Take me too!

Julie’ mother: This is the note she left for you.

Romanus takes the note and reads it.

Note: Romanus, I love you and I don鈥檛 want to live without you. We can get married in heaven. Just take 122 capsules and join me.

Romanus wipes his eyes and stands up.

Romanus: Ah 

Julie鈥檚 mother: What?

Romanus: She say I should use 122 drug.

Julie’s mother: Join her my son.

Romanus: Who is your son? My mummy is in prison. Me, I don鈥檛 even like drug before. It use to affect my stomach.

Julie鈥檚 mother: Ehn?

Romanus: I say I don鈥檛 like drug! I can鈥檛 drink drug o.

Julie鈥檚 mother: (gives him a knife) Use a knife then 

Romanus: Knife? Do you want me to die?!

Julie鈥檚 mother: Isn鈥檛 that the plan?

Romanus: When I have not blown? I can鈥檛 die o. Last last I can do is use the knife to cut my palm small so you can see blood. But me? I can鈥檛 die. Who will do hypeman for my baby ?

Julie wakes up.

Julie: Romanus, are you mad? You can鈥檛 die for me?

Romanus: You didn鈥檛 die?

Julie: It was a test!

Romanus: Don鈥檛 be testing me like that please.

Julie: You know Jack from Titanic was not up to your age when he died for woman.

Romanus: Enter boat and marry Jack then!

Julie: …

Romanus: I am smelling palm oil soup. I don鈥檛 know maybe I can see small to eat before I go.

Julie slaps him.

Romanus and Julie lived separately ever after. Emphasis on 鈥榣ived鈥� because nobody is dying for anybody in this Nigeria.

Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

Nigerians in A Quiet Place? LMAO. They wouldn鈥檛 last two minutes. 

For the people who haven鈥檛 seen the movie – A Quiet Place, the title is really all there is to it. It takes place in a post-apocalyptic world where sounds attract blood hungry monsters. So if you are doing anything and you make a sound, you are dead.

On this episode of JustImagine, we reimagine Nigerians in A Quiet Place.

LAGOS – 2021

It is a cloudy day, and the once rowdy streets of Lagos Island are now deserted. The roadside stores have been abandoned and billboards are peeling and flapping in the wind.

Many buildings are dilapidated and overgrown with weed, and the cars that line the streets are rusty and covered in dust. The entire area is silent. Families all live in silence.

A Yoruba man, Kosoko, steps out into the street. He carefully looks around before he raises a walkie-talkie to his mouth.

Kosoko: (shouting) Elo! ELO! ELO! Werey! Dare! ELO?! Oloshi, where did you go!?

A monster starts to growl and Kosoko looks in the direction of the growl, scared.

Kosoko: I will call y…

The monster runs across and grabs Kosoko.

Kosoko: JESU!

Silence.

BABA IBRO鈥橲 COMPOUND

The compound, which holds a number of one-bedroom apartments, is silent.

A bunch of buckets form a queue in front of a dripping tap. A young woman, Kafayah, walks out and sees her bucket tossed out of line.

Kafayah: (enraged) Na who be the idiot wey remove my bucket?!

A monster comes out and snatches her up, but she continues to scream as the monster runs.

Kafayah: I know it is Mummy Julius! Return my bucket now!

THE NEXT DAY

A young man, Tope, is holding a bucket and quietly making his way to the tap in the compound. He reaches the tap but finds out it is padlocked. Tope gently tries to force it open.

Baba Ibro jumps out of his hiding place.

Baba Ibro: (shouting) Spoil my tap oh! Spoil it because you have paid re鈥�

A monster starts to growl and Baba Ibro and Tope break into a run. The monster follows them, but they manage to escape into a room and bolt the gate. They stay silent until the growling stops.

Tope begins to signal with sign language.

Tope: (sign language) Why did you speak?

Baba Ibro: (frowning) Ehn?

Tope signals to Baba Ibro to shut up.

Baba Ibro: (angry) It is your father that will shut up! Is this how you talk to elderly peop鈥�

The monster punches a hole through the roof and pulls Baba Ibro out as he screams.

Tope, petrified, silently comes out of the shop where he was hiding. He sees a fellow tenant, Baba Kolade, carefully putting up a canopy and arranging chairs.

Tope looks very confused, but his confusion heightens when he sees a group of Yoruba women with high geles clutching coolers of food as they enter into the compound. 

Tope walks up to Baba Kolade and begins to communicate with sign language.

Tope: (signals) Are you having a party?

Baba Kolade nods and signals that his wife just had a baby. At that moment, Iya Kolade, dressed in a glittering lace material, silently dances out. Tope is stunned.

The guests smile at her and nod their heads, approvingly. Ofada rice, wrapped in leaves, start to go round. A man, smiling proudly, enters the party with a cow. Everyone hails him silently.

Cow: Moooo

They all freeze for a few seconds but nothing happens. Out of nowhere, a man stands.

Man: I just want to say there is no meat in this food oh!

A woman retorts.

Woman: Meat has finished. Eat it like that!

Man: But you can hide fried meat in your bag! Abi you think I didn鈥檛 see it?! Go and kill the cow they brought.

Another man shouts.

Man 2: And, us we didn鈥檛 see souvenir here oh!

Someone connects the speaker and Wasiu Ayinde Barrister starts to play. A male guest bursts a move and is promptly snatched up by a monster. 

Everything descends into chaos as people run helter-skelter. Tope hides under a car.

A man walks in with a pipe to empty the soakaway. His assistant walks into the compound with him.

Tope: (signals) What are you doing?

Assistant: We will pack shit abi we will not pack shit?

Man: (to his assistant) Your mouth is too loud!

Tope: (signals) There are monsters everywhere!

Assistant: They use to shit abi they don鈥檛 use to shit?

Man: That鈥檚 why your soakaway use to quick and full! Your money is 17,000 today!

Tope: …

A monster growls and snatches them up.

A curtain opens and a man peeps through. A woman comes to peep along with him.

Woman: (whispers) Dem don chop soakaway man?

Man: Dem no remain bone sef.

Woman: I wan shit o.

A few hours later, everything is calm again and Tope crawls out from underneath the car. He breathes a sigh of relief and starts walking to his apartment.

A young man named Tochi and a band holding trumpets, a cake and a throw pillow enter into the compound. Tope鈥檚 eyes widen. Before he can say anything, the band starts to blow trumpets.

Tochi: (shouts) Julie baby!! Happy Birthday to my Queen!

Tope stares in confusion. Julie鈥檚 second boyfriend comes to the balcony and screams.

Julie鈥檚 boyfriend: If you don鈥檛 get out! She has husband!

Tochi: (to the band) Blow!

The band starts to play a new tune. A monster growls.

Tochi: Dem don dey come o! Run oh!

The entire band scatters and they start to run.

Julie鈥檚 boyfriend: You for no run now! You for鈥�

A monster snatches him up and runs away with him.

Just then, another tenant comes out with a generator and is preparing to switch it on. Tope runs to him.

Tope: (signals) Are you crazy?

Tenant: It will not make noise, I want to watch BBN. (grins) They said Dorathy did bad things.

Tope鈥檚 eyes widen as if to say 鈥渁nd so鈥�?

Tenant: As in, Dorathy. (he mimics a fellatio)

Tope does not react. The tenant pushes Tope away and pulls the gen multiple times, but it does not work. The sound attracts the monsters again.

Tenant: (To Tope) You get oil?

Tope:

The monster snatches the tenant and runs.

TOPE鈥橲 APARTMENT

Tope silently walks into his apartment. His family is sitting around a table. His mother stares at him as he walks in. He raises his brow to ask what the problem is.

His mum points at his sister and signs something. He still does not understand.

Tope鈥檚 mother: (screams) Your sister say she does not want to marry or born!

Tope鈥檚 eyes widen.

Tope鈥檚 mother: It shock you too abi?

Tope: (angry) Is everybody mad?!! WHY IS EVERYONE STILL TALKING AND SHOUTING!!

Tope鈥檚 mother: (shocked) You鈥檙e shouting at your mother?

She slaps him across the head before the monster snatches Tope.

Silence.

Tope鈥檚 mother: (crying) Now see your brother has died because you don鈥檛 want to marry.

Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

If I had a kobo for every time I heard the phrase, 鈥淣igeria brings out the beast in people,鈥� my Canada relocation funds would be complete, and I鈥檇 be shaking my ass on a yacht with Bill Gates.

But all Nigeria gives is frustration.

Now, imagine we had a superhero who turns into a beast every time he gets angry. On this episode of Just Imagine, we turn the Hulk into a Nigerian man called Hakeem.

OFFICE

It is a sunny Monday afternoon and the Hulk 鈥� who will now be referred to as Hakeem 鈥� is standing outside an office building dressed in a white shirt and brown pants. He is pacing.

He dials a number on his phone.

Hakeem: Where are you now? I ordered this shawarma an hour ago!

Somewhere else in Lagos, a delivery man is sitting under a tree and devouring a sharwama.

Delivery Man: (chews) Hello, oga?

Hakeem: I said where are you?

Delivery Man: (picks his teeth with a finger) Oga, I no dey come again o.

Hakeem: What do you mean you鈥檙e no鈥� Are you chewing? Are you eating my lunch?

Delivery Man: Na wetin I wan explain be that. As I reach that Ikeja side, one mad traffic hook me. Hunger con dey wire me. (gulps coke) And if I dey hungry like that I no fit drive. Na im I say make I park and chop this food.

Hakeem: YOU DID WHAT?

Delivery Man: I don say make you no vex now. (belches) Order another one. I swear, I go bring am.

Hakeem ends the call and starts turning green, but his phone starts to ring. It鈥檚 his mum.

Hakeem stops. He answers the call.

Hakeem: Mama?

Hakeem鈥檚 Mum: Did you wash plate abi you didn鈥檛 wash plate before you left this house?

Hakeem: Mama, I am at work! 

Hakeem鈥檚 Mum: I don鈥檛 know how I will have a child that can鈥檛 do鈥�

Hakeem cuts in.

Hakeem: Mama, I have to go. I don鈥檛 have time.

A voice in the background whispers.

Voice: (whispers) Ask him!

Hakeem鈥檚 Mum: Before you go, your father wants to go to Spain. 

Hakeem: What鈥檚 my business?

Hakeem鈥檚 Mum: Can you carry him there? With that your power?

Hakeem鈥檚 Dad: It鈥檚 Barcelona I am going! To watch ball.

Hakeem:

Hakeem鈥檚 Mum: And come home fast, we are going to…

Hakeem angrily ends the call and marches inside. As he is walking inside, a car splashes muddy water on his white shirt. Hakeem screams in frustration.

OFFICE

Hakeem鈥檚 boss, a middle-aged man named Segun, is sitting in a well-furnished office. A large, distasteful portrait of his head is hanging behind him.

He presses down on a buzzer. Less than a minute later, Hakeem runs inside, but Segun does not acknowledge him. He taps into a laptop for a few seconds before he speaks.

Segun: Hakeem, what time did you come into work today?

Hakeem: 8:15, sir.

Segun: When you鈥檙e supposed to come at 8.

Hakeem: It won鈥檛 happen again, sir.

Segun: (grunts unimpressed) We want to fire you.

Hakeem: What?

Segun: (looks up) I say we want to fire you!

Hakeem: You鈥檝e not paid me for three months.

Segun: That鈥檚 why we want to fire you. We don鈥檛 have money.

Hakeem: (angry) So all the work I have put in for three months is what???

Segun: Do you want to be shouting at me? Pack your things and be going!

Hakeem slaps everything on Segun鈥檚 table to the floor. Segun鈥檚 eyes widen as Hakeem starts to turn green and get bigger.

Segun, terrified, hides under the table.

Hakeem continues to get bigger and bursts through the ceiling. Segun screams.

Segun: My ceiling!

Hakeem smashes the printer in the office.

Segun: I鈥檝e not paid for that printer oh!

Hakeem throws his table out of the window. Hakeem carries his drawer and a pair of briefs  and a bunch of clothes spill out. Hakeem stares at Segun.

Segun: (ashamed) Landlord chased me out so this is where I am sleeping.

Hakeem鈥檚 phone starts to ring. He picks it.

Hakeem鈥檚 Dad: Ok. I am not going to Spain again, just carry me to Ghana. I鈥檓 owing people money here.

Hakeem: Papa, if you call me again I sw鈥�

Segun: That鈥檚 your fath..? (shouts) Wo, your money is 1.7 million because your son has spoilt everything in my office!

Gunshots are heard from the other end of the line and Hakeem鈥檚 dad screams.

Hakeem鈥檚 Dad: TAKE ME TO SOMALIA, HAKEEM!

ALFA鈥橲 HOUSE

Hakeem and his mother are sitting in front of an alfa. He is pulling on a rosary as he silently chants some prayers. When he is done, he rubs his face.

Alfa: So you said this is the boy that is always getting angry and turning to devil?

Hakeem鈥檚 Mum: Yes, I want you to pray for him, Alfa. All this anger nonsense should stop! Forever!

Alfa: Young man, do you know that anger is the fastest way to hell? Prophet Mohammed said we should control our anger because鈥�

A sound cuts Alfa short and he looks out of the window. A PHCN official is against a pole, disconnecting the electricity. Alfa flies into a rage and starts screaming.

Alfa: Are you people mad?! Have I not paid nepa bill!?

PHCN Official: (shouts) Your bill is N30,000! You paid 2,000!

Alfa: (screams back in anger) Because it is 2,000 light you gave me! How many light did you give me?!

Alfa turns to Hakeem.

Alfa: Turn to devil!!

Hakeem: Are you not the one that sa鈥�

Alfa: I know what I said! Turn to that devil hulk and come beat him for me!

Hakeem:

Alfa looks outside and sees that the man has not moved. He runs out and pelts him with stones.

Hakeem鈥檚 Mom: You too go now! You know those people are thieves.

Hakeem: What?

Hakeem鈥檚 Mom: Go and fight for Alfa first, after we will go for deliverance somewhere else.

STREET 

Hakeem and his mother are driving home when they are stopped by a policeman.

Policeman: (frowns and points at Hakeem鈥檚 mum) Who is this?

Hakeem: My mother.

Policeman: And who are you to him or she or her?

Hakeem:

Policeman: Where are your papers?

Hakeem hands him a bunch of papers and he looks through them, unimpressed.

Policeman: What about the receipt of this car and the receipt of the engine!

He slams his hand on the car.

Hakeem: How will I have that one now?

Policeman: You鈥檙e asking me question? You will follow us to station. Get out of that car and enter our blackmaria!

There is a struggle as Hakeem and the policeman argue. He is eventually forced into the blackmaria and he explodes, damaging the vehicle. The roof flies off.

Policeman: Chineke!

The policeman is terrified and almost bursts into tears. His voice shakes.

Policeman: What will I tell them at the station!

BACK HOME

Hakeem walks back to his house but sees that his house has been demolished.

Hakeem: What happened here!?

An old woman comes to stand beside him.

Woman: You know our local government chairman use to experience brain touch? He said he wants to do railway here.

Hulk flies into a rage.

Hakeem: What?

Woman: But they are giving people whose house they demolished 2K at Costain.

COSTAIN

There is a small crowd and the local government chairman is standing on a podium and addressing the people.

Chairman: So, now I will call the names of people we want to give 2K.

He looks into his notebook.

Chairman: Hakeem Olajuwon.

The Chairman holds up a giant cheque with TWO THOUSAND NAIRA written on it and a man painted green walks to the podium.

Hakeem arrives just as the man steps on stage.

Hakeem: Who be dis wan?

He flies into another rage and starts to destroy everything. Chairman hides behind the podium and calls the police.

Chairman: Be coming!

DPO: (annoyed) To where?

Chairman: Costain! One green man is destroying everywhere.

DPO: You鈥檝e seen him too. He is the one that spoil our blackmaria. Abeg I cannot come make someone no go march me.

The man impersonating Hakeem: Oga Chairman, that 2k, I go still fit see am?

Chairman: Why is it mad people that full my constituency?

Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

Take a that controls the weather and drop her in a country that almost crumbles at the slightest sign of rain. Madness. In this episode of 鈥�Just Imagine鈥�, I turn Storm into an Ibadan woman and throw her into the lives of average Nigerians living in Nigeria.

IBADAN, OYO STATE.

It is 7:45 a.m. and the sun is already high up. The sounds of drivers screaming and cars honking fill the air.

Two men, Kola and Gbenga, dressed in traditional Yoruba attire, walk into a compound of several flats with a microphone and speaker.

Kola speaks into the  microphone.

Kola: Storm! Storm oh!

An angry, disgruntled and obviously sleep-deprived woman, STORM, opens her window in anger and screams.

Storm: Won鈥檛 you people carry your unfortunate behaviour from here? Did they swear for you? Or won鈥檛 you let someone sleep?

Gbenga: No vex. We have a party today, and we have not seen you on the field.

Storm: Which nonsense field?

Kola: I born last week. And today is the naming ceremony, and I don鈥檛 know what rain will want to do.

Storm: Didn鈥檛 your wife give birth two weeks ago?

Kola: Yes, but this time, it is her hairdresser that gave birth for me.

Storm: What?

Kola: It鈥檚 because of bumbum. Her bumbum is big, and my wife knows I don鈥檛 use big bumbum to play. Abi, Gbenga?

Gbenga: (nods seriously) Mummy Tomiwa knows.

Kola: She knows that if I see big bumbum, I can will out all my property.

Gbenga: She know. We are still at court fighting to collect the Volvo he will to Sekinah Alagbo.

Kola: Ah. I can never forget that bumbum, it want to kill me. Abi is not big?

Gbenga: (closes his eyes and nods) Ah no. Is big.

Storm: Do you now see that your generation has been cursed?

Kola: What cause insult? I need you to help me do the weather.

Storm: Look at the sky. (Storm points at the sun) Rain will not fall. 

Kola: I want rain to fall please. Very well. Rain should scatter the naming ceremony.

Storm: Ehn?

Kola: The hairdresser鈥檚 husband has been looking for me since, and he can come and shoot me at this naming ceremony.

Storm: So don鈥檛 go.

Kola: I should not go to a party? Me? A Yoruba man?

Storm: (sighs)

Gbenga: Then for me, I am doing celebration of life.

Storm: Who died?

Gbenga: Nobody. I just clock 32.

Storm: Why are you celebrating your life at 32?

Gbenga: What鈥檚 your business? Just come and make sure rain don鈥檛 fall.

Storm: (sighs heavily) Give me the addresses of the parties.

Kola: Is the same place.

Storm: …

Gbenga: We are sharing canopy.

Storm: …

Kola: You will do it half half.

Storm: 鈥�

Kola: And I want thunder to strike that her husband.

Storm:

 LATER THAT DAY

Somewhere else in Ibadan. A young man, Akanmu, is frowning as he stands over Storm who has her arms out towards the sky.

Akanmu: What are you still doing since morning?

Storm: Do you want rain to fall abi you don鈥檛 want rain to fall?

Akanmu: (grumbles) Just do it so my body can move!

Storm: (stops) So your body can move?

Akanmu: For intercourse!

Storm: I thought you said you wanted rain so that you can go to the farm!

Akanmu: (smiles stupidly) She likes for us to do it at the farm that鈥檚 why.

Storm: So I have been wasting my time doing this thing?

Akanmu: (angrily) AND HAS IT WORK? HAS IT WORK? HAS MY BODY MOVE?

Storm鈥檚 phone starts to ring. She picks it up.

Voice: Storm! Be coming to Lagos! There is a problem!

Storm starts to rise into the sky.

Akanmu: Where are you going! My body has not moved oh!

LEKKI LAGOS.

Storm lands in an estate in Lekki. A woman is standing on her balcony, visibly angry.

Storm: You needed help?

The woman points to the flooded street.

Woman: You see what you caused yesterday? Every time, oversabi! Now, I cannot come out of my house.

Storm: Are you mad?

Woman: Ehn?

Storm: I say are you mad? Why didn鈥檛 your chairman dig gutter for you people?

A man, dressed in a prophet鈥檚 garb, hears the noise and stretches his neck out of his window.

Prophet: That鈥檚 Storm, abi?

Storm: Who is shouting my name?

The prophet points to his destroyed window.

Prophet: Do you see how rain carried my window? You can鈥檛 tell rain to fall small small? And my DSTV dish is not there again. I鈥檝e not seen film to watch since yesterday!

Storm: Are you not a prophet?

Prophet: And prophet don鈥檛 use to watch DSTV?

A pregnant woman comes out.

Pregnant woman: This your rain just use to make me carry belle any how.

Storm: …

Another man shouts.

Man: And Amala is now N200!

Storm: What concern Amala with this now?

Man: I don鈥檛 know! I just want to say my mind!

At that moment, a young lady screams.

Young Lady: Thief! Someone stole my bag!

Storm鈥檚 eyes start to turn white as she summons rain.

Prophet: You see! You see what I am saying. She has started again oh! You can鈥檛 catch thief without rain?

Pregnant woman: This rain must not bring traffic oh.

IBADAN

NAMING CEREMONY/CELEBRATION OF LIFE.

Gbenga, obviously happy at the clear skies, dances at the party while Kola frowns and paces.

Kola: Where is that storm woman now?

Kola鈥檚 wife: You better sit down so that when they want to shoot you, bullet can enter well.

Kola: You will let them shoot your husband? The father of your child?

Kola鈥檚 wife: (hisses) When your preek will not stay in one place. Rubbish!

Storm comes into the party and Kola runs up to her.

Kola: Since morning! Oya, do rain now!

The hairdresser鈥檚 husband walks up to Kola and punches him. A fight ensues. Storm starts to make it rain. The party descends into chaos.

MURTALA MUHAMMED INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT

As Buhari is about the fly out of the country, the weather starts to make his plane shake.

Buhari: Ban zat Storm woman! Ban ha!

LAGOS

As the prophet fixes his window. The rain detaches and destroys another window and it flies off into the wind.

Prophet: STORM! THEY POSSESS YOU?! THEY SEND YOU TO ME?!

Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

Throughout the Bond franchise, James Bond has been sent on different missions to several countries, but have you ever seen the man in Nigeria?

No, and there鈥檚 a reason why. 

If James Bond were ever sent to Nigeria, this episode of Just Imagine shows the ridiculousness that would go down.

James Bond, a white British male dressed in an expensive designer suit, is standing in the middle of Oshodi, a busy area in Lagos. He sticks out like a sore thumb.

He taps on his watch and a hologram of another white man appears.

Man: Your mission is to bring in a corrupt minister. Get an Uber to the Mushin Local Government, get your ammo and proceed to the minister鈥檚 villa to make the arrest.

James Bond: Got it, sir.

Man: You have 24 hours, Mr. Bond. Good luck.

The hologram goes off. At that moment, a danfo driver blares his horn and sticks his head out of his window.

Danfo Driver: (yells) Werey! You dey crase? You no go commot for road?

James Bond, quite confident, stares at the driver daring him to do his worst.

Annoyed, the driver stomps hard on his accelerator and charges straight for James Bond. He nearly hits him before James flies out of the way.

Danfo Driver: You for wait now! Werey! They receive call for road!

James Bond: 

The Danfo Driver throws an empty Bigi Cola bottle at James Bond鈥檚 head before he zooms off. James Bond ducks and the bottle hits a street tout.

He turns and sees James Bond standing there.

Tout: Heis Oyinbo! Na you throw bottle for my head?

James Bond ignores him and starts to walk away. The tout charges at him.

Tout: You dey crase? No be you I dey talk to?

Tout tries to hit him, but James Bond sticks a pen in his neck. This pen paralyzes the tout from his neck down. He falls to the ground.

Tout: (weakly) Jesos oooo!

This causes a scene and the other touts come to his rescue. A street fight ensues. They start to chase James Bond.

STREET

James Bond is still being chased by eight men, but he manages to lose them when he runs into a small street.

He taps on his wrist and finds out his watch is gone.

James Bond:

James Bond walks into the street and stops a yellow taxi. A taxi stops and the taxi driver looks out from the window.

Taxi driver: Where you dey go?

James Bond: Mushin Local Government.

Taxi driver: Your money is 25k.

James Bond slips into the back but the taxi driver refuses to move.

James Bond: What?

Taxi driver: (mimicking his British accent) Woh?

James Bond: (confused)

Taxi driver: Am I your driver that you will be sitting at the back?

James Bond: (further confused) What?

Taxi driver: I say come and sit for front!

James Bond moves to the front.  They drive in silence for a minute.

Taxi driver: Oga.

James Bond: Yes, mate.

Taxi driver: Can you do visa for me?

James Bond: What?

Taxi driver: Every time woh woh. I say do visa for me. I graduated since 2007 but NYSC has not sent call-up letter. So, I want to leave this country.

James Bond: You graduated? With what grade? 

Taxi driver: They didn鈥檛 give me because they rusticate me. 

James Bond: So you didn鈥檛 graduate.

Taxi driver: In my mind, I graduate.

James Bond: 

Taxi driver: I want Australia.

MUSHIN LOCAL GOVERNMENT.

James Bond walks into the local government office. He sees a secretary peeling egusi. There is also a tray of ewedu by the side.

He walks right past the secretary.

Secretary: You, you鈥檙e blind, you can鈥檛 see me to greet?

James Bond ignores her and enters right into the office but does not see anyone. He comes back out to meet the secretary.

James: Your boss is not around?

The secretary ignores him and focuses on her egusi.

James Bond: Did he leave a message for me?

The secretary starts singing a gospel song.

James Bond: (infuriated) Answer me!

Secretary: Your head is not correct! You dey crase! Na now you dey see me abi?

James Bond: I am sorry. I need some ammo for a mission.

The secretary hisses and brings out an old gun and two bullets.

James Bond:

James Bond: That鈥檚 all? Where is the AK 47? And machine guns?

Secretary: Which money will we use to buy that one?

James Bond: Grenade?

The secretary hisses and looks inside her cabinet. She brings out a grenade and gives it to James Bond.

It falls as she passes it to him. The 鈥榞renade鈥� breaks.

James Bond: …

Secretary: …

James Bond: Did you paint an egg green?

Secretary: When I tell you we don鈥檛 have money before, your ear was paining you?

James Bond: At least where is the car I will drive?

The secretary drops a car key on the table. James Bond takes it and walks out.

OUTSIDE

He steps out to find an old rickety Beetle. He looks at the secretary and she stares back.

He finally enters the car and turns on the ignition. The car refuses to start. He tries again and the car does the same.

The secretary, who is standing by the door, shouts.

Secretary: You will push it first now!

James Bond:

James Bond steps into the busy street and jumps in front of a moving car. The car skids and stops.

James Bond: Step out! I鈥檓 commandeering this vehicle!

Driver: 

James Bond: STEP OUT!

Driver: E be like say you dey crase. Come on, get out of here!

The driver tries to hit James Bond before he flies out of the way.

Driver: ODE! WAKA!

The secretary sucks on an orange and shouts from behind him.

Secretary: Just push the car we gave you and stop doing all this serenren!

James Bond starts pushing the car.

James Bond is finally driving the rickety car down an express slowly and people keep honking at him to move faster.

A police officer stops him and he parks.

Officer Kay: Hello! Who are you? Where are your papers?

James Bond: Unfortunately, I don鈥檛 have them right now.

Officer Kay: Ehn?

James Bond: I don鈥檛 have them. This car is from the government.

Officer Kay: Which work you dey do?

James Bond: I鈥檓 a spy.

Officer Kay: …

James Bond: (raises a gun and smiles)

Officer Kay: 鈥�

James Bond: 鈥�

Office Kay: (screams) Oga! I don see tiff o!

Officer Kay pulls James Bond out of the car.  James Bond fights his way out of his grasp and escapes.

Officer Kay: (shouts) I鈥檝e mark your face! I鈥檝e mark it!

MINISTER鈥橲 VILLA

Against all the challenges, James Bond arrives at the minister鈥檚 villa and sneaks in.

A beautiful woman is typing away on her phone and James Bond walks up to her.

James Bond: The name鈥檚 Bond鈥� James Bond.

Woman: What now concern me?

James Bond: I am on a mission to bring the man living here to book.

Woman: Ok. But what concern me? 

James Bond: I鈥檓 007.

Woman: Oga, do wetin you wan do and leave me. I鈥檓 busy

James Bond: I want鈥�

The woman hisses and walks away.

 MINISTER鈥橲 LIVING ROOM

James Bond breaks into the Minister鈥檚 living room. The Minister is sitting with his wife and they have a live band and camera crew. The band is in full swing but they all stop as James Bond storms in.

James Bond: I am here to arres鈥� (stops) Wha鈥� What is going on here? 

Minister: We are doing music video.

James Bond: What?

Minister: Are you deaf?? Music video!

James Bond: Shouldn鈥檛 you be in a cabinet meeting?

Minister: And how will I produce music video if I am inside meeting鈥� (hiss) Why didn鈥檛 you come fast?

James Bond: You knew I was coming?

Minister: Ehnehn now. (yells) Chidi! Bring bag for him.

A young man, Chidi, runs out with a bag full of cash and hands it to James Bond.

Minister: Use it to tush up your life (to the band) Oya continue!

The band picks up again and the Minister starts singing his gospel song.

Minister: (stops) wait. (to James Bond) Come and stand behind me. I want oyinbo to be in the music video.

Chidi pushes James Bond to stand behind the Minister and gives him a MIC.

Minister: You will be shouting BLESSED THE PEOPLE THE LORD HAS CHOSEN AS HIS HERITAGE. Oya start.

James Bond:…

Minister:  SING!

James Bond: BLESSED THE PEOPLE THE LORD HAS CHOSEN AS HIS HERITAGE

Just Imagine is a 91大神 weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians.