Osaretin Tunde-Oni, Author at 91��!

How To Know If You Have A Work Wife Or Husband.

Osaretin Tunde-Oni — Fri, 07 Apr 2017 07:28:22 +0000

1. They laugh a little too hard at your jokes.

Aunty I know I’m funny but this kind laugh you dey laugh.

2. Every time you talk about your babe, they look at you like.

Sorry na, I just said she said I should greet you.

3. They’re always at your table/cubicle.

You no dey work? Wetin you dey find?

4. Anytime you pass their desk/cubicle they look at you like.

I’m not coming to meet you, I just want to pee.

5. They’re always offering you food.

Na so Eve catch Adam, my sister I’m alright.. I don chop for morning.

6. When you tell them no, they try to act like its no big deal.

They’ll try to keep smiling even though they want to jump off the roof.

7. When they see you laughing with another coworker.

They’ll act like you’re disturbing them.

8. They blush when you talk to them.

Em… I just asked for a stapler, why you dey do like crayfish?

This Woman Slept and Woke Up With A “Chinese Accent”

Osaretin Tunde-Oni — Thu, 30 Mar 2017 08:08:32 +0000

So this woman said she had a migraine one day

Then slept and woke up speaking chinese the next

You heard me right, my brother…CHINESE

You don’t believe me? She even went to see doctors over it

Me, I no believe sha, but you watch it and be the judge

https://twitter.com/aroueno/status/800786415172911104

7 Things Girls Hate Guys For But Should Be Thanking Us

Osaretin Tunde-Oni — Mon, 27 Mar 2017 08:39:03 +0000

1. Yes, I slept with your friend. But now you know she can’t be trusted.

You’re welcome o.

2. Okay, so I ate another womans food. At least now I appreciate yours more

Nawa o, I was only trying to help.

3. Wow, you didn’t know that when I was calling another woman baby, I was only trying to teach you to share

You can’t even share. So selfish

4. So I didn’t pick up your calls. Don’t you know absence makes the heart grow fonder

Duh, I’m doing this for us.

5. Maybe I said football is more important than you. But only because I’m trying to teach you not to trust anyone

Obviously na, it’s common sense na.

6. Yes o, if you cheat, i’ll leave you. Because cheating is wrong

Because cheating is wrong.

7. If I break up with you, i’m only teaching you to have strength

That’s the whole point. Now you’re a stronger person.

We Can’t Stop Laughing At These Guys Running From A Goat

Osaretin Tunde-Oni — Tue, 24 Jan 2017 11:20:31 +0000

These guys were all just chillin’

Squad goals

And then someone walks up to them with a goat and drops it

Oga, you wan make asun or what?

They notice the goat has something that looks like a bomb on it

Blood of Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

So they start to run, but it’s chasing them

Please, this can’t be how I die.

Watch this video and you wont be able to stop laughing

https://twitter.com/Keemzofficial/status/784353488377614341

10 Literature Books We All Loved In Secondary School

Osaretin Tunde-Oni — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 08:50:56 +0000

1. Things Fall Apart by China Achebe

The babanla of all babanla literature books.

2. Animal Farm by George Orwell

4 legs good, 2 legs baaad!

3. The Bottled Leopard by Chukwuemeka Ike

Original textbook on why dreaming about animals is nor good.

4. Joys of Motherhood by Buchi Emechata

Made me hug my mother after I read it.

5. 1984 by George Orwell

Big brother is watching you…

6. The Gods Are Not To Blame by Ola Rotimi

Everyone acted in the play as well.

7. Purple Hibiscus by Chimamanda Adichie

Made all the girls in my class cry over and over again.

8. Pacesetter Novels

I had to read every single one I came across.

9. The Concubine by Elechi Amadi

Spirit husband no good o.

10. The Secret Lives of Baba Segis Wives by Lola Shoneyin

Women go through a lot tbh.

8 Tips On Planning The Perfect Nigerian Party

Osaretin Tunde-Oni — Mon, 16 Jan 2017 08:07:58 +0000

1. Make sure you invite them 2 hours early because of African Time

You want to start at 11? You have to tell them 9.

2. Make sure your MC isn’t a learner

All his jokes are from when Obasanjo was president.

3. Lose the invite of that uncle that likes to report

See him o, he has already started calling your mother.

4. The two cousins that fight, keep them away from each other

You can’t be using valuable dancing time to separate Mortal Kombat.

5. Don’t worry about sending your in-laws transport money, they’ll find their way

Don’t chase any cats away too, they’re from the village.

6. Keep your yoruba demon friends away from any girls

His version of small chops is a broken heart.

7. Make sure the small chops is plenty unless they’ll be squeezing face

Looking like you killed their mothers.

8. Laugh at everyones jokes, even if they aren’t funny

Your cheeks will pain you but at least everyone’s happy.

7 Break-Up Lines We’re Tired Of Hearing

Osaretin Tunde-Oni — Fri, 13 Jan 2017 11:00:57 +0000

1. It’s not you, it’s me

Before nko…who else is it?

2. I think we’re better as friends

May you not lose all your friends…fool.

3. I think our lives are going in different directions now

Better pray your blessings don’t go in a different direction.

4. I don’t want to hold you back

You just want to hold that person you’ve been cheating with.

5. I just need space and time to think

Big man like me is who you’re telling you need space? My life

6. You deserve someone better

I know I do…oloshi

7. I just need to focus on school/work right now

Haba…you too dey lie.

7 Sins Your Girlfriend Will Never Forgive

Osaretin Tunde-Oni — Tue, 10 Jan 2017 08:19:03 +0000

1. Going to eat without asking her if she’s hungry

“Wooow, so you want me to starve. Trying to assassinate me?”

2. Telling her her friend is fine

“Go and marry her na, Judas”

3. Not complimenting her on her outfit…even though she wore the same thing last week

“Seun, it’s my fault. You’ve seen me too much that’s why you can disrespect me like this”

4. Not complimenting her new hair…EVEN THOUGH IT LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME AS LAST TIME

“No Seun, don’t beg me. It’s like ill just be scraping my hair from now”

5. Not asking her how her day was, even though you guys were together all day

“Nawa for you Seun, so you don’t care if I was with another man?”

6. Not knowing you did something wrong even if she didn’t tell you

“Don’t tell me you don’t understand Seun, you know what you did wrong. I can’t help you”

7. Leaving the room when she tells you to get out

“You too you left?! Better pray I don’t walk out of your life Seun”

2016 Was A Bad Year, Even In The Animal Kingdom

Osaretin Tunde-Oni — Mon, 02 Jan 2017 08:15:42 +0000

When you think of lions and giraffes, you probably think of the lion looking like this

Or at least this

Or this, at the very least

Nobody is expecting the giraffe to do the lion like this, but 2016 no look anyones face

My brother, I was shocked. A whole king of the jungle is who they’re doing like pancake

See how they stepped on his head like he’s a dog. 2016 was stressful for everyone

Really ask ya self who would win in a lion vs giraffe type situation before you watch…
— THE BIGGEST HATER (@BigGhostLtd)

9 Reasons Why Christmas Is The Best Holiday

Osaretin Tunde-Oni — Mon, 26 Dec 2016 07:45:36 +0000

1. You get a break from work/school for almost 3 weeks

And that’s all that counts

2. Christmas parties are the best

I plan on going for parties from the 19th till the 30th

3. All the free food

Once you say free anything, i’m there

4. People have to be nice to you in the spirit of christmas

Even if I steal your food, you have to be nice to me

5. If your birthday’s in December(like mine), they’ll treat you like a king

Double blessings, just for me

6. When your parents ask you what you want for Christmas and you can’t decide

Do I want new phone? Or should I just collect the money

7. Dancing to that heavy Christmas gbedu at every party

I only do these dance moves in December

8. Dressing up on Christmas day

I must kill it in all the pictures

9. It ends with the beginning of another holiday. New Years Day

It’s the gift that keeps on giving

Osaretin Tunde-Oni, Author at 91����!