Virginity can influence how a woman is perceived. Whether she is considered 鈥減ure鈥� or respectable, and, in some communities, even whether she is considered 鈥渨orthy鈥� of marriage. We are taught to protect it, save it, and, in some frankly weird cases, prove that we still have it. All of this rests on the assumption that virginity is a physical condition that exists in the body. Well, news flash, folks, it isn鈥檛.

Virginity is a social construct. Sex is a biological act, but the idea that having sex makes someone go from a 鈥渧irgin鈥� to a 鈥渘on-virgin鈥� is a social distinction we have somehow created and attached meaning to. There is no universal agreement on what counts as losing virginity, either. In many contexts, it is defined as vaginal intercourse, while others include different forms of sexual activity. The boundaries exist only because we have collectively decided they do.

Research on virginity testing makes this even clearer. have found that the hymen cannot reliably reveal whether someone has had sex, despite how often it has been treated as proof of virginity. A of research on virginity testing also found that examining the hymen cannot accurately or reliably establish whether someone has previously had vaginal intercourse.

Yet the belief that a woman鈥檚 body can reveal her sexual history continues to shape how virginity is understood. The idea that an intact hymen proves virginity, or that bleeding after a woman鈥檚 first sexual experience confirms it, has no stable medical basis. These beliefs have survived not because the body provides actual evidence for them, but because we have continued to love the idea of linking cultural and moral significance to the idea of female virginity.

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Let鈥檚 also not ignore the gendered elephant in this conversation. A woman鈥檚 virginity can be presented as something that protects her value, her family鈥檚 honour or her suitability for marriage, while men are often given considerably more passes to have sexual experiences without their character being egged on in the same way. A man with several sexual partners may be described as experienced, but at the same time, a woman with the same history can be labelled with all sorts of derogatory words intended to diminish her. That difference is not biological in any form. It comes from the different expectations we have created for male and female sexuality.

This is why regarding virginity as a social construct is needed. It does not mean that sex is imaginary, that someone鈥檚 first sexual experience cannot be important, or that people should not make personal decisions about when they want to have sex. Someone can choose to remain abstinent until marriage because of their religion, personal values, upbringing or simply because that is what they want. That鈥檚 fine, really. That decision can be meaningful without requiring the belief that virginity is a physical possession that determines one’s worth in life.

The problem begins when a personal value becomes a standard for judging other people. There is a vast difference between saying, 鈥淚 want to wait until marriage before I have sex,鈥� and saying, 鈥淎 woman who has sex before marriage is less respectable.鈥� The first describes a personal choice. The second, however, takes a socially constructed idea and turns it into a measure of someone else鈥檚 character.

We should also question the language of 鈥渓osing鈥� virginity. Sex can be an important experience, and yes, it can change how someone understands themselves or their relationships, but it does not take a physical part of them away. In fact, someone who has had sex has not become less whole or less deserving of love. The idea that they have 鈥渓ost鈥� something valuable comes from this pointless meaning we have assigned to virginity.

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People are free to give their first sexual experience whatever significance it holds for them, but they are equally allowed to reject the idea that virginity should determine their worth. We believe that both positions can exist without contradiction.

The more useful conversation, here, may not be about whether people should value virginity. They can, if that is what they choose. It is about why an idea created by society has been given so much authority over women鈥檚 bodies, sexuality and morality, and why having sex is still treated by many people as something that can reduce a woman鈥檚 value.

Virginity may be a social construct, but the consequences of believing in it are unfortunately very real. Women have been shamed for supposedly losing it and judged according to standards that are hardly, if ever, applied to men in the same way. Recognising that virginity is something society created does not take away anyone鈥檚 right to value it. It simply opens doors to questioning whether something we invented should have the power to define another person鈥檚 worth.

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They reflect on the friendship that became a business partnership, learning how to work together, growing Bawsty without losing sight of the women they created it for, and all the cool things they hope to build next.

This Is Renike and Dami鈥檚 Story As Told To Sofiyah

Before became a clothing brand, Renike already knew what it was like to struggle with clothes because of her body. As a full-busted woman, finding pieces that fit properly was not always straightforward, so when Damilola, her sister-in-law-slash-friend, came to her with an idea for a brand that would make clothes specifically for full-busted women, Renike immediately saw the gap they could fill.

鈥淚 was like, oh s***, this is such a good idea,鈥� she remembers. 鈥淭his means I don鈥檛 have to struggle to wear clothes again.鈥�

Dami had identified a gap in the market, but before Bawsty, fashion had never been a career path she had considered. She had studied architecture, worked in brand identity design and spent years building a career in the creative industry. Renike came from a different relationship with fashion, one shaped more by the experience of trying to find clothes that worked for her body.

Together, they turned Dami鈥檚 idea into , a brand built around making clothes for full-busted women. Almost four years later, they are still figuring out how to grow the company without losing sight of why they started it.

Before Bawsty

Dami grew up in a home where she had plenty of room to explore her interests. Her father, a structural engineer, was the kind of man who encouraged independence, while her mother supported Dami through the different things she wanted to try. Whether it was music or a pillow-making business, Dami鈥檚 mother backed her in every way possible. 

Her mother鈥檚 own life showed Dami that there was no single way for a woman to build her future. She had been a homemaker before returning to work when her children were older, eventually building a career while earning two university degrees. Dami grew up watching her take on different roles at different stages of her life.

Renike鈥檚 childhood, however, was different. Her family went through financial difficulties after her father鈥檚 business suffered, and she had to adjust to a change in circumstances. She also spent part of her childhood in boarding school, which meant becoming independent early. Her mother was a civil servant who also had different side businesses, and Renike grew up watching her balance those responsibilities. The experience gave her an early understanding of work as something that could take different forms depending on what was needed.

By adulthood, both women had already found their paths. Dami had studied architecture before moving into brand identity design, while Renike had built a career as an illustrator and visual artist. Honestly, neither career seemed to point directly toward fashion, but both women had already developed the creative skills and independence that would later shape how they built Bawsty.

Two Different Relationships with Fashion 

Dami had been interested in clothes since she was young. She enjoyed putting outfits together and remembers designing things in her head, including a pair of shoes she once made by cutting up old wedge shoes. It even got to the point where she became her mother and sister鈥檚 go-to person when they needed help deciding what to wear.

Still, she did not necessarily see fashion as a career. She studied architecture because she liked the combination of creativity and analytical thinking, then moved into brand identity design and eventually ran her own creative studio. Fashion remained something she enjoyed personally.

Renike did not grow up with the same interest in fashion. Her experience with clothes became more significant as she got older and began to understand how difficult it could be to find pieces that accommodated her body.

That experience made Dami鈥檚 idea immediately relatable when she brought it to her. Renike could see the problem Dami wanted to solve because she had lived with it herself. What began with Dami identifying an opportunity became something they could both work on.

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From Sisters-in-Law to Business Partners

Dami and Renike first met through Renike鈥檚 brother, who is now Dami鈥檚 husband. Their relationship developed over time as they became part of the same family and gradually got to know each other beyond their roles as sisters-in-law.

By the time Bawsty came along, they had already established a close and beautiful friendship. That gave them a level of familiarity that would become useful when they started working together, but frankly, neither woman believes friendship or family automatically makes someone a good business partner.

For Dami, the more important quality is reasonableness. She knows disagreements are inevitable when two people are building a company together, but both people have to be willing to listen, communicate and work through problems.

Renike views it similarly. Being close to someone can make you more willing to overlook their shortcomings, but that does not necessarily mean the person is right for you professionally. For them, their relationship gave them a foundation to build on, but working together still required them to understand each other in a completely different way.

Learning How to Work Together

When they started Bawsty, their roles developed around their different strengths. Dami took on creative direction and production, drawing on her background in design and branding. Renike focused more on marketing and community, building relationships with the women who interacted with the brand.

Working together has also become a continuous learning process, with each woman picking up vital skills from the other. Renike says Dami taught her how to be firm while still treating people with respect. She has watched Dami handle difficult conversations by taking time to think before responding, something Renike has tried to adopt in her own approach.

Dami says Renike has taught her to pay closer attention to people. She describes Renike as someone who takes a genuine interest in other people鈥檚 lives and celebrates their personal wins. For Dami, that experience has made her more conscious of expressing that kind of care within the business.

Their different approaches do sometimes lead to disagreements. Renike remembers one difficult shoot when she became frustrated with the team, and Dami later called her out for how she handled the situation. They were able to have the conversation, address what had happened and move forward.

For them, disagreement is part of working together. They do not need to see every situation the same way, but they need to be able to challenge each other without damaging the relationship.

Scaling Bawsty 

Bawsty has grown without a large marketing budget. Despite that, demand for the clothes has continued to increase, sometimes faster than they can produce them.

The growth has attracted investors and created opportunities to expand, but Dami and Renike have been deliberate about the kind of growth they want. One of their decisions has been to continue manufacturing in Nigeria despite the difficulties involved, including challenges with fabrics, skilled labour, and production processes.

Dami believes there is value in developing the ability to produce locally rather than relying entirely on manufacturing elsewhere.

As demand increased, they also had to think about what their pricing should look like. When customers complained about products selling out and some people questioned whether the scarcity was intentional, the founders had different instincts about how to respond.

Dami considered increasing prices, while Renike brought the conversation back to the women they had created Bawsty for. They wanted the clothes to remain accessible to women of different incomes, rather than becoming a brand that served only customers who could comfortably pay more.

That conversation reflects one of the choices they have continued to make as Bawsty grows. They want the company to expand, but not at the expense of the women who made the brand what it is.

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The Body Was Never the Problem

At the centre of Bawsty is an idea Dami believes the fashion industry needs to take more seriously: different bodies require clothes that are designed to accommodate them.

鈥淭he body is never the problem,鈥� she says. 鈥淗uman beings come in different body shapes and body sizes. If the clothes are not working, then the clothes are the problem.鈥�

That principle goes beyond creating clothes that technically fit. Bawsty wants full-busted women to have options across their wardrobes, rather than being limited to a small selection of styles designed around their bodies as an afterthought.

For Renike, the experience she wants to create is straightforward. She wants women to put on Bawsty clothes and feel good without spending the day worrying about whether their bodies work with them.

The community around the brand has become part of that experience, too. Customers have supported Bawsty by sharing outfits on their social media platforms, recommending it to other women, and providing the founders with feedback. For a company that has never relied heavily on paid marketing, that relationship has been important to its growth.

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What Comes Next

Dami & Renike have already begun thinking about where else they can take the idea. They have discussed categories including shapewear, lingerie and sportswear, with the possibility of expanding the range of products available to full-busted women.

Renike wants Bawsty to become the brand women think of whenever they need clothes that work for their bodies, from underwear and swimwear to skirts and dresses. She jokes that they want to 鈥渢ake all their money,鈥� but the ambition is to build something that women can return to for more of their wardrobe.

Dami is equally interested in what the company becomes as it grows. She does not want growth to mean losing the closeness between the brand and its community, or turning Bawsty into something that no longer resembles the company they set out to build.

For two people who started with an idea and have spent the last few years figuring out how to turn it into a real business, there is still a lot ahead of them. Yet when asked what they would tell their younger selves, both women look back at the journey in their own way.

Renike says she would tell herself not to be afraid. She would remind herself that she had a good partner and that they would be able to figure things out together.

Dami鈥檚 answer is simpler. When she was asked what she would tell her younger self, she replied with 鈥淲ell done.鈥�

Bawsty began with an idea that Dami brought to Renike after seeing a gap in the market. Renike understood that gap personally, and together they brought different skills to the work of building a company around it. Their friendship existed before the business, but the business has given them another way to understand each other, through the decisions they make, the disagreements they have and the things they have learned from one another.

Almost four years later, the problem that brought them together remains at the brand’s centre. Women have different bodies, and clothes should be made with those differences in mind. For the women behind Bawsty, it comes down to a simple belief: women should not have to change their bodies to fit their clothes. Clothes should be designed to fit them.

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In this article, we spoke to 10 women about how marriage and motherhood affected their friendships, and what happened to the bonds they once thought would last forever.

1. 鈥淗er Husband Was Convinced That I Would Put Thoughts Into Her Head鈥� 鈥� Abike*, 48

My childhood best friend and I were tight for thirty years of our lives. We did everything together, and everyone kept calling us twins, but the moment she got married, we started having issues. I don鈥檛 know if it鈥檚 because I鈥檓 unmarried, but her husband was convinced that I would put silly thoughts into her head that would make her act out, so every time I visited her, he would act cold towards me until I left. 

At first, my best friend told me not to worry about it, but as time went on, she became conflicted because our friendship was causing fights with her husband. In the end, I had to distance myself from her because she obviously couldn鈥檛 make that decision. She and I still text from time to time, but the bond is no longer there, and it genuinely makes me sad. 

2. 鈥淚t Didn鈥檛 Take My Friends Long Before They Stopped Inviting Me For Anything鈥� 鈥� Lily*, 28

I was the first in my friend group to get married, and honestly, I don鈥檛 think marriage was what changed the dynamic between us. When I didn鈥檛 have children, it was so easy to have all sorts of weekend hangouts with them without worrying, but the moment I gave birth to my twins, marriage became a full-time job for me. Yes, my husband did his best to ensure I was still hanging out with my friends, but I am the sort of mother who can鈥檛 sit still for five minutes without worrying about her babies, so I wasn’t much fun at hangouts. 

It didn鈥檛 take my friends long before they stopped inviting me to anything, and honestly, I don鈥檛 actually blame them because who would want a Debby Downer at their parties? I miss them a lot, but I can鈥檛 do anything about it, and honestly, I believe they would understand me better when they start settling down and having children. 

3. 鈥淲hen They Started Having Kids, They Stopped Inviting Me For Anything鈥� 鈥� Bisi*, 38

Among my friend group, I鈥檓 the only one who decided to remain child-free even as a married woman, and that has caused friction between us. They didn鈥檛 mind when I told them that I wouldn鈥檛 be having kids, but the moment their husbands started having opinions about my life, they started having opinions too. Before I could even process anything, they started distancing themselves from me because apparently, their husbands were worried that I would influence them with my child-free life. 

When they started having kids, they stopped inviting me for anything. They even created a new WhatsApp group, and on weekends, I would check their statuses and see them all hanging out. Even though they鈥檝e somehow cut me out of their life for years, it still hurts because these women were the sisters I never had. 

4. 鈥淲e Made a Promise to Continue Prioritising Our Friendship鈥� 鈥� Efua*, 40

Before my longtime best friend and I married our respective partners, we promised to continue prioritising our friendship so we wouldn鈥檛 grow distant, and we stood by that promise. Marriage and children have not stopped us from making plans to see each other at least twice a week. We visit each other鈥檚 houses, our husbands are tight friends because of us, and our children are each other鈥檚 best friends. 

We sometimes have a lot of friction, but it’s never because of marriage. She and I are locked in tight in this friendship, and I would never let a husband or kids come between the beautiful friendship we have built over the past decade. If we can survive being friends even with toxic, good-for-nothing boyfriends, I鈥檓 sure we will survive marriage and children. 

5. 鈥淚 Had Appendicitis Surgery and She Didn鈥檛 Check Up Until a Month Later鈥� 鈥� Etim*, 31

Before my friend got married, a part of me already knew that our friendship would not remain the same. Even when she was not married, she was the kind who would abandon you for months over a new man in her life, and she would come back after the breakup, acting like there was nothing wrong with her actions. So, when she told me she was getting married, I began to accept that she would grow distant, and I was right. 

After she got married, she started skipping hangouts and would take weeks to return my missed calls. When I had my appendicitis surgery, and I told her about it, she didn鈥檛 respond until like a month after the surgery. I guess I could say I was angry because I don鈥檛 think I would be the sort of friend who would abandon my friends the moment I get married, but at the same time, I wasn鈥檛 surprised. I don鈥檛 even know why a part of me was expecting her to be different. 

6. 鈥淣othing Has Stopped Us From Showing Up For Each Other鈥� 鈥� Bunmi*, 50

I鈥檝e had a tight-knit friend group t since university days, and nothing has come between us. Even when some of us migrated to new countries, nothing changed in our friendships. We caught up through calls, Facebook, and every form of communication we had. Marriage, or even children, has not stopped us from showing up for each other whenever we like. 

I remember when I got seriously sick one time, and the ones who were still in the country with me at the time ensured to stand by me and also helped my husband with taking care of our children. The ones abroad would constantly call to check on my health, and found a way to send me care packages. 

There are times when communication feels distant, but we always do our best to bridge that distance before it turns into a big thing. I love my friendship with all of them, and I cannot wait for us to become grandmothers who still attend parties together and have each other鈥檚 backs. 

7. 鈥淚 Wish to Have My Friend Group, But I Know That鈥檚 Not Possible鈥� 鈥� Itohan*, 48

My friends and I were convinced that we would remain tight even after we got married and had kids, but unfortunately, we were wrong. Apart from the occasional group phone calls and the owambe parties, we actually don鈥檛 know what is going on in each other鈥檚 lives anymore. 

It鈥檚 sad because I鈥檓 so big on community and friendships, and not having my friends to talk to about certain things going on in my life, since everyone is occupied with work, husband, and children, is quite horrible. Before we grew distant, I did my best to bridge the gap in communication between us, but it was hardly reciprocated, so I gave up. I wish to have my friend group back, but I know that鈥檚 not possible anymore. 

8. 鈥淲e Knew He Would Tell Her to Stay Away From Us鈥� 鈥� Nicole*, 29

When my friend, Ola*, introduced a pastor to us as her boyfriend, we all immediately knew that there was no way she would be friends with us again. We鈥檝e always been the kind of friend group that was really social. We went to every event under the sun because we鈥檝e always believed that a woman鈥檚 20s are the right time for us to have fun. So, when Ola told us she was getting married to a pastor, we just knew that he would be the kind of husband who would tell his wife to stay away from her friends, and we were right. 

It wasn鈥檛 even six months after her marriage that she started saying no to our weekly hangouts. At first, we tried to understand that she had just got married and was acclimating to a new dynamic, but two years have passed since then, and we have barely seen her despite repeatedly inviting her. We have actually given up, to be honest. 

9. 鈥淚 Would Always Find Time For My Girls鈥� 鈥� Amara*, 30

When I got married, my friends were all concerned that I might drift away from them because another friend of ours did after she got married, but I pride myself on my friendships. The laughter and lessons I鈥檝e gotten from my friends, I鈥檒l never get from my husband, and he is aware and respectful of that. 

My friendship has not crumbled since I became a married woman. In fact, it has only gotten stronger because I always have a reason to call my friends these days. If it鈥檚 to tease them about how marriage is sweet or just rant about something someone from my husband鈥檚 family did, there鈥檚 always one reason to text them. They鈥檙e my backbone, and it would be so silly of me to drop the women who have been in my life for years because of marriage. I don鈥檛 care how busy I would get later in the future, but I would always find time for my girls. Always. 

10. 鈥淎fter My Marriage, I Sort of Isolated Myself From Most of My Friends鈥� 鈥� Folu*, 60

When I got married, I remember my mum telling me that the first thing I needed to do was cut out my single friends because they鈥檙e always the ones with the worst advice, and unfortunately, I decided to believe her because I didn鈥檛 want to spoil my marriage. It鈥檚 now that I鈥檓 regretting that decision. 

After my marriage, I sort of isolated myself from most of my friends and only connected with the ones who were married like me, and it cost me community. All of us are grown now, and when they see me at events, they sort of ignore me because that was what I did when I got married. 

I鈥檓 at the age where I need more friends in my life, but I don鈥檛 have many because I chose to listen to my mother. And honestly, if I could go back in time, I wouldn鈥檛 have listened because friendships are really important to women. 

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In this article, we spoke to eight women about experiencing domestic violence from partners they loved and trusted.

1. 鈥淚 Got The Beating of My Life on His Couch鈥� 鈥� Miriam*, 30

When I started dating my ex-boyfriend, he would sometimes punch me hard in the arm and then call it a joke. I grew up wrestling with my brothers at a young age, so I didn鈥檛 really mind, but months into our relationship, I started realising I should actually have seen that as a warning sign. The abuse happened on a random Saturday morning. I鈥檇 checked his phone the previous night and found out that he was cheating on me with three women and a man. 

I didn鈥檛 even know that he was queer, so that was a surprise, but I actually didn鈥檛 care about that part. What I cared about was the fact that he鈥檇 been having sex with other people without a condom. I was really mad that he put me and my health at risk, so I confronted him about it. He got mad that I was snooping around. The confrontation turned heavy quite fast, and I was still trying to explain why I was mad at what he did when he asked me to stop talking. I asked what he was going to do if I didn鈥檛 stop, and that was how I got the beating of my life on his couch. 

It was not a small beating. He beat me till the point where I lost a tooth and started bleeding because of his belt. I believe he would have killed me if his neighbours hadn鈥檛 heard me screaming and broken down the door of his house. They were the ones who took me to the hospital and found a way to contact my brothers, who immediately got my ex-boyfriend arrested. I wish I could say I got legal justice for what he did to me, but he did not. However, my brothers employed agberos (touts) to track him down and beat him every time he left his house. It didn鈥檛 matter if he moved places; they still always found him, and I ignored all the texts he鈥檇 sent asking me to beg my brothers on his behalf. The agberos did it for six months before my brothers decided that he鈥檇 received enough punishment. 

Although everything happened two years ago, I don鈥檛 think I鈥檝e ever truly gotten over what my ex did to me. Sometimes, when I start talking to a new guy, I get phantom pain from the scar on my shoulder that my ex gave me, and I decide that I don鈥檛 want to put myself through dating again. I am talking to a therapist, though, and I hope that I heal from what happened to me. 

2. 鈥淚 Couldn鈥檛 Even Pretend to Care About His Death鈥� 鈥� Lola*, 54

Even before we got married, my husband had started being abusive. As my boyfriend, he was already beating me till my entire body was sore. I鈥檓 an orphan with no family or friends, so I didn鈥檛 really have any support system to talk to about his abuse, and for some reason, I was convinced that he loved me. He just got angry once in a while, and it was no big deal. 

As my husband, he got ten times more abusive. There were seven days in a week, and I only got a reprieve from his beatings two times a week. It was because of his abuse that I couldn鈥檛 bear children, because every time I got pregnant, he would beat me till the point of miscarriage. He knew how much I wanted children, and every time, he would take that away from me. 

I鈥檓 sure a lot of my concerned neighbours and co-workers had wondered why I was with him, but I didn鈥檛 know how to tell them that he also had his really sweet sides, so I was constantly conflicted about leaving him. 

The day my husband dropped down to his death because of heart failure, the first thing I could think was, 鈥業鈥檓 finally free.鈥� I couldn鈥檛 even pretend to care about his death, and when I got home from the hospital, the first thing I did was sit down and cry for a long time. It was later that I called his family to let them know about his death. 

It has been ten years since my husband鈥檚 death, and I have refused to get involved with another man. However, I am trying to see if I would be allowed to adopt a child. 

3. 鈥淚 Love Her Enough to Forgive Her鈥� 鈥� Vanessa*, 24

My girlfriend went from calling me degrading names to actually beating me. She鈥檚 always had a thing for calling me names (e.g., a slut) and accusing me of cheating (I鈥檓 not) for no reason, but then one day we had an argument that turned into her beating me until my entire body bruised. I don’t even remember what the argument was about, but I knew it didn鈥檛 warrant her beating me until bruises started forming. 

After she beat me, I left her place, took myself to the hospital, and blocked her contact while I was there. I informed my friends about what happened, and they were very supportive of me deciding to go no-contact. I went no-contact for three months and ignored all my girlfriend鈥檚 attempts to reach me, but one day she managed to find a way to talk to me. 

She sought my forgiveness and grovelled for months. I refused to pay attention to whatever she was doing, but she eventually wore me down. She and I are now back together, against my friends鈥� collective consent, but I鈥檓 still wary of being too close to her sometimes. She seems to have learnt from her mistakes, and I love her enough to forgive her. 

4. 鈥淗is Resentment for Me Having a Child Turned Into Violence鈥� 鈥� Mary*, 39

Before we had my son, my husband wasn鈥檛 abusive in any way, but after we had our child, he got angry for some reason. I think he doesn鈥檛 want to be a father, but he never communicated that with me. The lack of communication ended up leading to resentment for my son and me, and that resentment turned into domestic violence. 

I remember a specific incident where, after he had almost choked me to my death for accidentally pouring hot rice on his feet, he back-handed our then five-year-old son, who didn鈥檛 understand why daddy wanted to kill mummy. The backhand was so strong that our son lost consciousness, and I completely ignored that I was also close to losing consciousness so that I could carry our son to the hospital. I鈥檇 never been so scared in my life as I鈥檇 been scared that day. It was such a horrifying experience, and it was from the hospital that my dad came to drive us to my family house. He and my mother had been hoping that the abuse would stop at some point, so they鈥檇 turned a blind eye, but his almost killing their grandson was the last straw for them. Normally, I should be offended, but I was just so relieved when they told me that my son and I do not have to go back to his house. 

Even though we are still married on paper, I haven鈥檛 actually seen my husband since my dad brought my son and me to my family home a year ago. My parents and siblings have been the ones handling any kind of communication with him, and I鈥檓 glad because I know that if I set my eyes on him, I might go back to him out of fear. 

5. 鈥淗e Didn鈥檛 Stop When The Metal Buckle Hit My Face鈥� 鈥� Latifah*, 29

I was convinced that having an abusive boyfriend was better than having none at all, so I just accepted all the times my ex-boyfriend would use his hands against me until one day I realised that I actually needed help. 

On that day, my ex had seen me talking to a male friend and had gotten angry because he鈥檇 thought I was cheating on him. When I got back to his place, he confronted me and didn鈥檛 even let me make my defence before he brought his belt out and started whipping me everywhere. He didn鈥檛 stop when the metal buckle hit my face, and I started bleeding, and he ignored my cries when my body started feeling like it would give up. I honestly don鈥檛 know what strength I had that day to push him off and run away from his place, bleeding. 

From his place, I went to my best friend鈥檚 house, and thank God for her. She was the one who took me to the hospital, paid my bills, and took care of me throughout. When I told her about what had happened, she wasn鈥檛 judgmental in any way, and she was ready to get people to find him and beat him up. It was only because of her that I was able to bounce back. The entire experience has made me wary about getting into relationships, and I鈥檝e decided that it鈥檚 better to stay single than have an abusive partner. 

6. 鈥淚 Really Thought Leaving an Abuser Would Be Easy鈥� 鈥� Keji*, 26

I grew up with an abusive father. He was also abusive to his wife, so I decided that when I grew older, I wouldn鈥檛 settle for someone like my dad. Then I met my ex-partner. I really thought that leaving someone who abuses you would be so easy, but when my partner slapped me across the face, and I still woke up to make them breakfast the next morning, I began to understand my mum. 

The abuse was not constant, but it happened almost every week, and I would keep taking them back the moment they apologised. I believe I would have stayed with them for a long time if my friend group hadn鈥檛 staged an intervention after I kept turning up for our hangouts with bruises on my body. They made sure to speak enough sense into me, and at first, I refused to listen to them because I was convinced that my ex was just making mistakes. But the more they spoke to me, the more I realised that I was slowly turning into my mother. That was enough to wake me up, and the next day, I broke up with them. 

These days, I am more intentional about the people I date, and I鈥檓 always so careful in recognising red flashing signs early on in the relationship.

7. 鈥淚 Felt Trapped Because The Children Relied on Him Financially鈥� 鈥� Tolu*, 50

When I first met my husband, there were no obvious warning signs. He was sweet and kind to me, although he was significantly older and I was only 18, having just started university. My family also encouraged the relationship because he was wealthy. By the time I realised how abusive he and his family could be, I was already pregnant with our first child, so I felt like I had no choice but to marry him. 

For the first few years, the abuse was mostly emotional and verbal, but after four years and three children, I eventually left him. I came back because of the children, and that was when things became much worse.

He had always been physically abusive towards the children, and I would sometimes put myself between them and him. Then one day, during a major argument, he beat me with a belt until I was bleeding. I felt trapped because my children depended on him financially, he had stopped me from completing my education, and I had become pregnant with our fourth child. I tried to build a life for myself through things like a business, but he kept interfering with everything. 

Leaving was difficult when he controlled everything I did, but one day, our landlord warned him to stop the abuse. She also told him that if he continued, there would be consequences and that what he was doing could be exposed because she was a journalist. The abuse stopped for a while, and at some point, I finally managed to gather the courage to leave the marriage and take two of my children with me. Regarding our other children, we arranged split custody between us and did our best to maintain an amicable relationship for their sake. 

8. 鈥淗e Told Me Not to Come Back or Else He鈥檒l Kill Me鈥� 鈥� Ife*, 45

Every time I went to my parents to report my husband鈥檚 constant abuse, they would say things like 鈥淛ust manage for the children鈥� and 鈥淗e is still your husband鈥�, and for some reason, I kept allowing the constant abuse that almost took my life because I always believed everything my parents said. 

My breaking point, however, happened on a Saturday night. The children were already asleep, and I was waiting for my husband to go to bed so I could sleep comfortably when he appeared and asked me to make him tea. I was tired, and I didn鈥檛 want to make tea, but I dragged myself to do it because saying no was just another round of beating. After I made tea, I handed it to him and told him to take his time because it was still hot. He ignored me, as always, and then drank the tea. When it burned his tongue, he started shouting at me, and before I could even remind him that I had warned him, he poured the hot tea on my face that was still bruised from his last abuse. 

Normally, I would have screamed from the pain, but in that moment, I realised that I needed to leave because someone like him is truly capable of killing me. So that night, while he was asleep, I took my car keys, woke my children, and left the house with them. I drove all of us to a hotel far away from where we lived, and I didn鈥檛 let my parents know where we were because they are enablers. 

Later, I called my best friend, and she was the one who accommodated the children and me until I rented an apartment for us. As for my husband, we’re not divorced, and, unsurprisingly, he didn鈥檛 really care that we鈥檇 left the house. He just told me not to come back begging for him or else he will kill me, and I have taken that warning seriously.

If you are going through something similar, whether sexual violence, an abusive relationship, or simply carrying something too heavy alone, help is available. You do not have to carry it alone.

1. Mentally Aware Nigeria Initiative: Call or WhatsApp text 08091116264 or 08111680686 to receive immediate mental health crisis intervention and counseling from the active volunteers at the .

2. Lagos State DSVA Helpline: Call 08000-333-333 (toll-free) or dial the quick shortcode *6820# on your mobile phone to safely report domestic violence, rape, or child abuse and get immediate medical or legal response from the .

3. The Mirabel Centre Support: Call or text +2348155770000 to receive 24/7, completely free medical care, forensic evidence collection, and professional psychosocial counselling after experiencing sexual assault from the Mirabel Centre.

4. WARIF Toll-Free Crisis Line: Call 080092100009 for 24-hour completely confidential emergency aid, legal advocacy, and rapid response to rape and gender-based violence from the .

5. Project Alert Crisis Line: Call 08180091072 to receive professional counseling, shelter support, and legal advocacy for female survivors of domestic and sexual abuse from .

6. National Emergency Line: Dial 112 from any mobile network in Nigeria to reach nationwide emergency services if you are in immediate physical danger.

Next Read: Women Recall Being Catcalled in Secondary School

In this article, we asked 10 women to share times they were catcalled while still underage.

1. 鈥淢en Will Always Find a Way to Sexualize Young Girls鈥� 鈥� Amira*, 26

I was a girl who 鈥渕atured鈥� early, according to adults in my life. By eight, I鈥檇 already started growing visible breasts, and because of that, my life became riddled with older perveted men. The catcalling started when I was nine, but I remember a specific incident that happened to me in SS1. 

Usually, I use the school bus, but that day, I decided to walk home with my friends. We were almost home when this visibly older man, who was with his friends, shouted 鈥淎han, my wife, I wan suck your breasts o鈥� or something along those lines. It was not my first time hearing men call me their wife in public or crudely talk about my breasts, so I was sort of used to it at that point, but when his friends started laughing and asking if they could join in sucking my breasts, the tears started coming. 

I didn鈥檛 know what to say to them, but thank God for my friends who had no qualms about insulting them. The entire experience was embarrassing, and it just made me think of how easier my life would have been if I didn鈥檛 have big breasts, but as I grew older, I realised that you don鈥檛 even need to have breasts before men find a way to sexualize young girls. 

2. 鈥淚gnoring Him In Front of His Friends Made Him Angry鈥� 鈥� Daniela*, 23

The area I grew up in was filled with a lot of useless men loitering around, and they loved to catcall young girls, and when you ignore them, it鈥檚 quick to get nasty. This incident happened to me when I was in SS2 and around age 13. I was coming back from school alone when this guy, who was with his friends, started yelling, 鈥淔ine girl, come nau,鈥� at me, and I ignored him. 

Ignoring him in front of his friends made him embarrassed and angry, to the point that he started following me. When he caught up to me, he became aggressive and asked why I was ignoring him, and I responded that I was not interested. After saying that, he yanked my hand, and it turned into a tussle. Honestly, I do not know what would have happened if a passing bike man hadn鈥檛 stopped and asked what was going on. 

3. 鈥淗e Got So Angry for Being Called Out on Lusting Over Young Girls鈥� 鈥� Tega*, 28

I am a light-skinned girl living in Nigeria, and that means I鈥檝e endured a lot of catcalls from Nigerian men who love to call me their wife or their 鈥渃olour.鈥� I remember one time I was coming back from school with my older cousin, who was in SS3, and, as usual, a man on the streets of Bariga saw me and yelled, 鈥淢y colour, na you I go marry o,鈥� at me. 

I was twelve at the time, and my cousin, who is basically the sister I never had, asked him if he couldn鈥檛 see that I was a school child, and what sort of idiot is he? The man became extremely angry, asked my cousin if she was the one he was talking to, and then likened her dark complexion to a charcoal pot. I think that was the first time I鈥檇 ever seen a man get angry over being called out for lusting over an obvious child. 

4. 鈥淲hy Was He So Comfortable Saying That to a Child?鈥� 鈥� Lola*, 26聽

There鈥檚 a particular road that I pass from my dad鈥檚 office to my mum鈥檚 shop, and the walk takes about 10 minutes. In those 10 minutes, I always faced the most ridiculous forms of cat-calling from men who knew I was decades younger than them, but persisted. 

One incident I associate with that particular road dates back to when I was 15 and in SS3. I don鈥檛 remember exactly what one of those men said to me, but it was about my breasts and how they looked sweet to him. In that moment, all I felt was deep discomfort because why was he so comfortable with saying that to a child? Later, I had to let my mum know I wouldn鈥檛 be coming to the shop again because the catcalls and even the grabbing of my arm by some of those men were a major concern for me. 

5. 鈥淚 Hated My Body For a Very Long Time鈥� 鈥� Kanyin*, 28聽

I developed early as a girl, and it opened doors to all forms of harassment and catcalling by men and even boys in my class. I was 14 in SS2, and every day, I would face the occasional groping by the boys in my class in the morning, and catcalls by men on the street on my way home in the afternoon. 

I remember a day when I was still reeling from the fact that my class teacher told me that the boys groping me was technically my fault because my uniform was fitted, and on my way home, a man started calling me his wife, and when I ignored him, he kept following me so he could slap my ass. After that incident, I became convinced that my teacher was right, and I was actually seducing men and boys with my tight uniform, and that made me hate my body for a long time. It wasn鈥檛 until my final year at university that I started wearing fitted clothes again, and even now I鈥檓 still careful not to wear anything that might attract attention. 

6. 鈥淗e said I Was Whoring Myself Out at a Young Age鈥� 鈥� Tumi*, 23

I was around 14 when my body began to undergo obvious changes for the first time, and one day I decided to wear a simple gown to church. As I was walking to our youth church, which was a separate building from our normal church, a man who was sitting around saw me and started whistling. I thought he was just whistling for whistling’s sake, and I kept walking, only for him to get aggressive with it and start shouting at me. 

He was saying something along the lines of me whoring myself out at my young age because of the dress I put on. It was a frankly interesting incident to me because how was I whoring myself out in a church dress? Was it because I鈥檇 started growing breasts at the time? Till now, I still don鈥檛 understand the level of thinking, but it was frankly weird. 

7. 鈥淥ne Said I Would Be Pleasurable in Bed鈥� 鈥� Janet*,30

At around the age of 14, I was what you would call a pick-me. Instead of running away from it, I thrived on male attention because I believed it was every girl’s goal. I wanted to be desired, and I guess that鈥檚 why I didn鈥檛 take a lot of cat calls to heart. I remember one time I was out with my elder brother, and a man at the market said I would be pleasurable in bed. 

I didn鈥檛 think much of it because I鈥檇 been hearing stuff like that since I started growing breasts, but my brother, who was 20 at the time, almost punched the guy in his face because of that. I was so confused by why he almost did that until he reminded me that I was 14 and shouldn鈥檛 be allowing any man to talk to me like that. Him saying that kind of opened my eyes to how horrible men have been to me, and honestly, that was one of the things that radicalised me later in life. 

8. 鈥淚 Was Ignoring Them Until One Asked, 鈥楬ow Much to Fuck?鈥欌�� 鈥� Rita*, 27

Men started catcalling me before I even knew what it meant. It was something my aunt said I apparently need to endure because it happens to every woman, and I listened to her until I was in SS1. I鈥檇 already started growing ass by then, and one day, I was passing by the SS3 block in my school when the senior boys started hooting and hollering at me. It was something that every girl in our school had to get used to, and I was planning on ignoring them until one asked, 鈥淗ow much to fuck?鈥� and that was the last straw for me. 

I was thirteen and already having a hard time with the changes going on in my body, and I knew that if I allowed that rubbish slide, it would keep happening. So, I went home, told my no-bullshit parents about it, and the next day, they came to school and managed to get all the boys suspended. Everyone at school called me a snitch for months, but I didn鈥檛 really care, to be honest, because when the boys came back after their suspension, they made sure to avoid me. 

9. 鈥淗e Asked How I Already Have a Big Ass Like That鈥� 鈥� Elo*, 32

I remember the first time I got catcalled. I was eleven years old, a new JSS2 student, outside my school鈥檚 gate, getting ice cream, when this older man yelled, 鈥淟ook at bumbum,鈥� in Yoruba. I didn鈥檛 even think it was me at first, only for him to point at my ass and ask how I already have a big ass like that in secondary school. The entire incident was not only humiliating but also very confusing because I didn鈥檛 even have a big ass, then. I had the body type of an average eleven-year-old, so I wonder why he would even look at my ass and humiliate me like that in front of my friends and other classmates. Everyone kept telling me it was normal, but I didn鈥檛 think it was, and I hate the fact that we鈥檝e normalised that sort of rubbish. 

10. 鈥淎t Some Point, We Got Scared For Our Lives鈥� 鈥� Mariam*, 25

Catcalling has become so normalised in my life that I don鈥檛 really care these days, but I remember when I was 16 and walking back from WAEC Saturday lessons with my friends, and these university boys on the side of the road started saying profanities at us. When we ignored them, they kept following us and shouting horrible sexual words at us. We kept telling them to leave us alone, but they ignored us. At some point, we genuinely got scared for our lives, and it wasn鈥檛 until twenty minutes into them following us before we realised that we could enter a woman鈥檚 shop and just stay there until they left us alone. They also tried to wait outside the woman鈥檚 shop, but thank God for her son, who threatened to call people to beat them. That entire incident left my hands shaking throughout the day, and honestly, I wouldn鈥檛 wish it on my worst enemy.

11. 鈥淲hy Were They So Comfortable With Being Nasty to a Child?鈥� 鈥� Mimi*, 24

I was fourteen, going to be fifteen, and in SS2, and unfortunately, I was already used to men catcalling me even when I was in my school uniform. I have several incidents that are still very much branded in my brain. The first incident I vividly remember was stepping out of school with my friends when two men in a car kept hollering, 鈥渇ine girls, it鈥檚 you we want鈥�, even though they could clearly see us in our school uniforms. When we ignored him, they kept following us, and it wasn鈥檛 until people on the street started to pay attention to them following us that they actually backed off. 

Another one I remember was coming out of my school bus and after school, and a man on my street welcomed me with 鈥淔ine girl, it鈥檚 you I鈥檒l marry o鈥� I promptly ignored him because I was already used to older men catcalling me, even though I was a secondary schoolgirl at the time. 

Every time I think of the fact that I was basically a small child when all of these men kept doing that rubbish, I get so angry. Why were they so comfortable with being nasty to a child? They saw me in a uniform and still decided to be perverse. Horrible of them.聽

Next Read: What She Said: My Perfect Boyfriend Had a Wife and Three Other Girlfriends

This is Bibiana Gyasi鈥檚 Story As Told To Sofiyah

I never had a dream job growing up. My dad wanted me to become a doctor, and for a while, he had convinced me that that was what I was supposed to do. At some point, I realised I was too much of a coward to be a doctor, but more than that, I knew I had always been drawn to creating things with my hands.

I was a creative person in almost every way. I had done creative writing, travel writing and graphic design, and I started fashion design when I was 15. I was interested in many things, which was both exciting and confusing because I never knew which one I was supposed to pursue.

Food, however, was not part of that conversation.

I had always been around food, which may have been why I never thought of it as something I could build a career around. I grew up in the Ashanti region of Ghana, where my mum has been a caterer for more than 30 years, so cooking was simply part of my childhood. I started cooking when I was about eight. Sometimes, she would give my younger brother and me money to buy food after school if she knew she would not be home early. Instead of buying something, I would usually buy ingredients and cook for us.

It did not always go well. I remember making jollof rice for the first time and turning it into rice soup. That didn鈥檛 stop my younger brother from eating and enjoying it, so I suppose that encouraged me to keep cooking. 

Food also meant something deeper to me because of how I grew up. We did not come from a privileged background, and there were times when my mum had to do menial jobs to be able to buy groceries and cook for us. Seeing food on the table every day felt like a privilege. It was a reminder that somebody had put in effort and worked hard to make that possible.

I did not know then that those experiences would shape the way I understood food, community and giving back.

My career in food started during COVID in 2020. I was in university, preparing to graduate, when everyone had to stay home. I started making food videos with my phone and posting them on Instagram and WhatsApp. People liked what I was doing and began asking me to post more, try different things, and add more content.

Even then, I did not think I had found my career.

My plan was to enjoy it for the moment, return to school when everything went back to normal, graduate and figure out what I wanted to do with my life. When I went back to school, however, I was still making food content. During my national service, I would set aside part of my allowance to buy groceries and ingredients for my videos. I was not making money from the content, but I loved doing it enough to keep investing in it.

Eventually, I started wondering if I should give it a real chance.

The challenge was that I did not know what a career in food content creation was supposed to look like. At the time, content creation was still a relatively new space in Ghana. I knew people were doing it, but I did not understand how to turn it into a sustainable career.

Then, I discovered the Nigerian food content space.

became particularly important to me. I saw what she was doing and realised that people were not only creating food content for fun. They were building businesses and careers around it. Coincidentally, she was also running food blogging classes at the time, so I joined one, and that class really cemented things for me.

I learned the different ways people could approach food blogging and make money from it. Before then, I knew food blogging existed, but I wanted to know how I could build a career from it. The class helped me understand that this was something people were already doing successfully; for the first time, I had a clearer idea of what was possible. So, I decided to take myself seriously and see where it could go.

In those early stages, I wanted my personality to be part of the work. I have always loved teaching and sharing what I know, so I did not only post recipes. I started sharing what I was learning because food blogging was still a developing space in Ghana, and I knew other people might want to try it too.

Eventually, I began teaching.

I have now trained more than 1,000 people in areas including social media management, content creation, and food blogging through both in-person and virtual classes. I also developed a six-week content-creation masterclass for my university to give back to my department, and seeing people take something from what I had learned and use it to start their own journeys became one of the most fulfilling parts of my work.

My first brand deal was another important moment. It was not a huge amount of money, but it proved that what I was doing could actually work, and then my content started reaching people beyond my immediate circle.

In the beginning, I had a broadcast channel where I would tell my friends and schoolmates whenever I posted, asking them to watch or comment. Eventually, I stopped doing that. Strangers were finding my page on their own, leaving comments and asking me to try different things.

The more I created, the more curious I became about the food itself. I started asking questions about the dishes I was making. Where did they come from? Why were certain ingredients used together? What was the story behind them? My mum has a lot of knowledge about traditional cooking, so I learned from her too. I also started travelling around Ghana, visiting different regions, markets and food spots and sharing what I was discovering with my audience.

The more I explored, the more I realised I wanted to do more than cook.

Travel had always interested me, even before food blogging. I previously had a website where I wrote about local travel, culture and Pan-African topics, so travelling was not a completely new idea. Food simply gave me a new reason to explore.

I wanted to know what other African countries were doing with food, and I really wanted to see whether the similarities I kept reading about were actually there and understand what made each cuisine unique.

My first trip outside Ghana was to Singapore, and that experience began to change the way I viewed food tourism. I saw how intentionally the country had built tourism around food. Some markets and experiences allowed visitors to explore different cuisines, and food was clearly an important part of their experience of the country.

I came back from that trip thinking about Ghana.

We have done a lot to attract tourists, but there was still more we could do to make food part of the experience. I wanted people coming to Ghana to understand not just where to go, but what to eat, where that food came from and why it mattered.

That was when I began to see myself as an African food tourist.

For me, being a food traveller is not simply about going somewhere and trying the food. I can stay in Ghana and order Nigerian food. I want to go to Nigeria, visit the markets, meet the people who make the food and understand the history behind it. That, in particular, is what makes travel meaningful to me.

Travelling across Africa has shown me how much we have in common. When I went to Nigeria, I came across foods that reminded me of what we eat in northern Ghana. Sometimes, the biggest difference was simply the name. I even found a snack I remembered from childhood called in Ghana  but goes by Balewa in Nigeria, with almost the same taste and presentation. 

I was fascinated by those similarities because they made me think about our history and the connections between African countries that existed long before the borders we know today.

My trip to Nigeria also gave me experiences that had nothing to do with simply eating. I had the opportunity to cook a Ghanaian dish, , with students at the Hospitality Business School. The students and the school鈥檚 leadership enjoyed it so much that the school decided to adopt the dish as one of the West African cuisines they teach.

That experience stayed with me because it showed me what cultural exchange can actually look like. I brought something from Ghana into a Nigerian classroom, and people were curious enough to learn about it and make space for it.

That is what I want food to do: create connections between people.

Travel has changed me personally too. I have always been quite introverted and someone who enjoys her own space, but when I travel, I become a completely different person. I become more social, adventurous and open to experiences. Travelling has made my world feel bigger, and once you see how much there is out there, it becomes difficult to settle for an average life.

There is, of course, a cost to building this kind of life.

People mostly see the finished videos, the food and the beautiful destinations. There is a lot of work happening before any of that reaches social media. My team and I invest heavily in the brand. Travel costs money, equipment costs money, and creating content while travelling means that I am often working throughout the entire trip. I have had moments where I wondered whether I was making the right decision, especially when I was putting so much of my savings into the work. The moments that keep me going, however, are usually not the ones involving numbers or recognition.

Sometimes, it is a message from someone telling me they visited Rwanda because of my content, and sometimes, it is someone telling me I inspired them to start a business or go back to school. That impact matters to me more than views.

It is also what I want to carry into , my storytelling and travel platform. The goal is not simply to visit different countries and eat their food. I want to learn from the people who live there, build relationships with them and share stories about their food, culture, history and way of life.

I am intentional about the way I tell those stories. I do not want to travel to an African country and contribute to the stereotypes already attached to it. There is already enough negative storytelling about Africa, and I do not want my platform to add to that.

I want people to become curious instead.

I want someone to see a story about Rwanda and decide to visit. I want a Ghanaian to see something about Nigerian food and want to try it. I want people outside the continent to understand that African food is not one single thing.

That is another misconception I often find myself correcting. Africa is a continent, not a country, and there is no single cuisine that can represent all of it. Nigeria has its own food cultures. Ghana has its own. Rwanda has its own. Every country has its own dishes, traditions and stories.

People also make assumptions about the way Africans eat. Eating with your hands is often treated as unhygienic, even though it is a normal part of food culture in many African communities. I have been criticised for eating fufu with my hands, and I still wonder what people expect me to eat it with. There is also the idea that African food is inherently unhealthy, and I disagree with that. Sometimes, the issue is not the food itself but the way it is eaten. We have to understand the food before judging it.

I also believe Africans have a responsibility to tell these stories for ourselves.

More young Africans are becoming proud of where they come from, and I love seeing that. People are embracing traditional hairstyles, clothing, food and culture in ways that were not always encouraged when many of us were growing up.

There is still a lot more to do, though.

This responsibility should not belong only to influencers or food travellers. If you live in Nigeria, you can tell Nigerian stories. If you live in Ghana, you can tell Ghanaian stories. The people who live in these countries know things about them that a visitor will never know in seven or ten days.

I want to explore different countries, learn from their people and share the stories I find along the way. There is still so much I want to see. Togo and Benin are next, and I will return to Nigeria because there is still so much of the country I have not explored. There are more markets, kitchens, dishes and stories waiting for me.

Next Read: Yes, Alicia Daniels Should Have Known Better. We Still Don鈥檛 Get to Blame Her for His Abuse

The same day Alicia called out David, the couple’s neighbour came out to support her claims.

Alicia claimed that she experienced physical, verbal and psychological abuse at the hands of David. She described an alleged incident in which he attacked her while she was holding their three-month-old son, leaving her with a busted lip and almost knocking out one of her teeth. 

In her posts, Alicia also added that she had heard stories about how David had allegedly physically abused other women before their relationship, but she believed that what had happened to those women would not become her reality.

“I had heard stories about allegations involving other women before me. For a long time, I seperated those stories from the person I loved. I wanted to believe what I had heard could never become my reality. Until it did. That’s my accountability, and that’s the bad choice I made.”

– Alicia on her IG Story

Now here’s the uncomfortable part: two things can be true at once.

We can question her decision without questioning whether she deserved what happened to her.

Yes, we should be able to acknowledge that the woman is a victim while recognising that, if you know that someone has been accused of abusive behaviour by previous partners, ignoring those warnings because you believe your relationship will be different with you is a decision worth examining. 

Knowing about someone鈥檚 alleged history does not equate to consenting to experiencing the same treatment. A woman can make a decision that, in hindsight, she wishes she had made differently and still deserves compassion and support when she finds herself in an abusive relationship.

We should be able to say, 鈥淵ou really should have taken those warnings seriously,鈥� without saying, 鈥淵ou knew, so anything that happens, you should take it like that.鈥� Victim blaming is not cute. 

You’ll Absolutely Love: What She Said: I Sometimes Wonder If I Married the Wrong Brother

But Why Do Some Women Think They鈥檒l Be the Exception?

Perhaps the uncomfortable question that we should all be asking here is, why do you believe you will be different or special from the rest? 

Why do you hear that a man has abused previous partners, and convince yourself that your relationship with him will be different? Maybe you believe he has changed. Maybe you think the previous women just didn鈥檛 understand, and that was why he was 鈥減rovoked鈥� into hurting them. Maybe it鈥檚 the whole 鈥淚 can fix him鈥� some of us saw our mothers doing, and we decided to emulate. Maybe you think they brought out a side of him that you will never see, or maybe you simply believe that the way he treats you is the version of him that matters.

Sometimes, people genuinely do change. Someone鈥檚 past does not automatically determine their future, but when there are repeated warnings about their behaviour, love should not blind you to the point of ignoring them.

We should be able to believe that people can change while also asking whether there is actually evidence that they have, because perhaps, the real danger here is not believing that someone can change. It is believing that we will be the ones who change them. We can鈥檛 exactly change someone who does not want to be changed. 

When that hope turns out to be misplaced, it still does not mean we deserved the harm that followed. It just means that in choosing to believe you would be the exception, you may have ignored warnings that were actually worth taking seriously.

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For others, the shift in financial power comes with resentment, bruised egos, and expectations that women should still carry most of the household responsibilities. 

In this article, eight women shared what happened when they became the primary, or only, earners in their relationships.

1. 鈥淚 Thought He Would Resent Me, But He Never Did鈥� 鈥� Remi*, 45

My husband and I have been married for twenty years now, but in our second year of marriage, he lost his job, and I had to become the sole breadwinner of our then-household of three. At first, I was worried that losing the job and I being the temporary sole provider would complicate things and he would resent me, but he never did. When I was at work, he would clean the house, take care of our toddler without any fuss, and prepare dinner before I got home. 

Even when he had a potential work interview to attend, he always managed to work around it without inconveniencing me. When his siblings were mocking him for turning into a 鈥渨oman,鈥� he paid no attention to them and didn鈥檛 change his attitude towards me. For a year, he didn鈥檛 have a job, but that never changed our dynamic. It even made me love him more. 

2. 鈥淚 Had to Comfort a Man Who Didn鈥檛 Like聽 That His Wife Was The Breadwinner鈥� 鈥� Olivia*, 40

My husband was unemployed for a long stretch, and I had to take over the household completely. It was not a memorable time for me because not only did I have to deal with my chaotic work, but I also had to keep stroking the ego of a man who hated the fact that his wife was the one bringing in the money. When he didn鈥檛 have a job, he would make me send him 50% of my salary to maintain his public image. 

Overall, it was an annoying period because with him, there was no difference between being employed and being unemployed. I still had to take care of the house, pay a maruwa rider to pick up our children from school, and still cook even when I get back home late. 

3. 鈥淚 Became The Breadwinner When My Husband Fell Into Drug Addiction鈥� 鈥� Ife*, 50

I鈥檝e been the sole breadwinner for as long as I can remember. When my husband fell into drug addiction and lost his job, I had to be the one to step up because I didn鈥檛 want my children to end up like him. As the household’s main provider, I was fully respected by my husband. Though I think he was only respectful because I shared at least 4% of my salary with him. 

Our relationship was strained, but it was not because I became the 鈥渕an鈥� of the house. His mind was usually out of it most days, but he never expressed resentment or anger towards me for having a job he didn鈥檛 have. He did not help around the house or anything, but apart from the drug addiction, he never added to my stress. It might seem like nothing, but I was constantly overwhelmed by everything going on at work and with our three children, so I was really glad I never had to worry about him much. 

4. 鈥淗e Wanted Me to Be The Breadwinner But Also a Stay-at-Home Wife鈥� 鈥� Lola*, 40聽

Because I earned a salary 60% higher than my ex-husband’s, I was relegated to being the breadwinner of the house, and honestly, I was completely alright with it until he expected me to also act like a stay-at-home mum. He knew the responsibilities of my then-job were a lot, and there would be times when I would never get home early, yet he wanted me home to cater to him and our children. 

This never made sense to me because his own workplace was closer to our house, and he closed hours earlier than I did. So why he couldn鈥檛 take care of our children just never made sense to me. If I鈥檓 already contributing to most of the household finances, I shouldn鈥檛 be expected to carry 100% of the household responsibilities, too. We both work, so why was I the only one expected to do the household chores? It鈥檚 this reason why I decided that I didn鈥檛 want to be married to him anymore, and I鈥檝e been happier than ever with my decision. 

5. 鈥淎fter Our Child Got Disabled, My Husband Stepped Down From His Job鈥� 鈥� Maribelle*, 35

When our daughter got into an accident that temporarily disabled her for almost a year, my husband and I knew that one of us had to step down from our jobs so we could be there for her completely, and since I was making the most salary, it was a no-brainer. When we agreed that he would stay home with our daughter while I worked, we sat down to talk. I was afraid he might resent the situation over time, so I wanted to share my fears with him. He was also scared that I would resent him for being jobless. 

Our conversation ended with both of us promising to communicate if we start to feel that the new dynamic is putting a significant strain on our marriage, but, surprisingly, we didn鈥檛 have any major issues. My husband easily adapted to taking full care of our daughter and the house, and I never, not once, felt like I needed to take over because he wasn鈥檛 doing a good job. He also never made me feel any guilt about making him the stay-at-home parent. In fact, he loved being close to our daughter so much that, even after she started walking again, he didn鈥檛 look for another job right away and stayed at home for six months.

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6. 鈥淗e Was Embarrassed That I Was Working And He Was Not鈥� 鈥� Fati*, 39

When my husband and I married, I didn鈥檛 think anything was going to come between us until he lost his job, and I had to be the sole breadwinner. Honestly, I didn鈥檛 think it would be that much of a big deal because we didn鈥檛 have any children then, and our finances weren’t overwhelming. So, imagine my surprise when he started giving me the cold shoulder. At first, I didn鈥檛 notice because whenever I got back home, I was still expected to cook for us, so I was always so tired. Still, it wasn鈥檛 until a random weekend when we were out with my side of the family, and he started making passive-aggressive comments that everyone noticed before I realised.聽

When I asked him what was going on, he didn鈥檛 want to say anything, but then I kept pushing, and he finally told me. Apparently, it was embarrassing that I was working and he was not. I had to let him know quickly that he would have to learn how to be okay with it until he got a new job, or else our marriage would be severely affected, and I didn鈥檛 want that. Thankfully, he listened, and our marriage went back to normal. He ended up getting a job a couple of months after that.

7. 鈥淗e Said I Only Had a Mouth to Talk Because I Was The One With Money鈥澛� 鈥� Ayo*, 40

When my ex-husband lost his job, and I had to take over the household, my children and I watched him transform into an awful person with a bruised ego. I don鈥檛 know if it was because he was trying to heal his ego, but he became extra mean to everyone in the house. 

Before we got married, we agreed that we would never lay hands on our children, but then I would come back from work after a long day and be welcomed by the sight of my children crying from the whippings they took from their dad. Whenever I confronted him about it, he would somehow turn the conversation and tell me I only had a mouth to talk because I was the one with the money. 

At some point, I realised that I couldn鈥檛 allow my children to be raised by a horrible man like that, so one day, when he was not home, I packed our bags and left the house for him. That was two years ago. He never even tried to reach out, and I鈥檓 glad, because I don鈥檛 want anything to do with him.

8. 鈥淲hen I Said No to Giving Him Money, He Slapped Me鈥� 鈥� Atilola*, 36聽

When I introduced my mum to my fianc茅-turned-ex-husband, she was really worried about me because he was earning pennies at the time while I had a well-paying job. She warned me that if I became the sole breadwinner in the marriage, there was a big possibility that he would hate me, and she wanted me to be careful. I told her it was nothing to worry about and that she was just reading too much into it. Maybe I should have listened to her. 

After we got married, my husband would do this thing where he would guilt me into giving him money, and if I didn鈥檛, he would start saying I didn鈥檛 respect him. He was also passive-aggressive towards me and hated that even his family members knew I was the one with money. 

Over time, his resentment got worse. One day, he was trying to guilt me into giving him money, as always.  When I said no, he slapped me. He said I was disrespectful and didn鈥檛 I know that as his wife, I was expected to follow everything he said? When I called my mum to let her know what happened, she and my dad came to our house the next day, and asked me to pack my bags. At first, I told them I didn鈥檛 want to leave because I was convinced that his slapping me was an error, but my mum said she would rather die than leave me alone with a financially insecure man. And honestly, thank God for her, because being away from him made me see things clearly, and now I would only give chances to men who are in the same tax bracket as I am. 

罢丑别听聽is returning on August 22, 2026, in Lagos! Come learn from finance experts and industry leaders, and partake in unfiltered conversations about building wealth and diversifying your income stream in a country like Nigeria.聽Real stories, expert advice you can actually use, and a community ready to build wealth together.聽.

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Chinazo and Tola are raising their daughter, Feyisola, when Tola loses his job, and Chinazo becomes solely responsible for keeping the family financially afloat. At first, it seems like the obvious thing to do. Someone has to pay the bills, and Chinazo is capable of doing it, but as she takes on more of the financial responsibility, Tola begins to struggle with what the change means for him as a man. He is no longer the person providing for his family, and suddenly, something as ordinary as his wife paying for things becomes tied to his sense of masculinity.

What intrigued us, though, was how little the expectations placed on Chinazo seem to change. Even after she takes on the responsibility of providing, she is still expected to occupy the familiar position of the mother who must be available, nurturing and attentive to her child. She gets back from a long day at work and still has to pick up after both her man and child, or cook their dinner. This is something women, unlike men, are rarely allowed to escape. Motherhood can become a role in which everything else is expected to fit around it, rather than a part of a woman鈥檚 life that exists alongside her career, relationships, ambitions and needs.

That is why women can find themselves in a complicated position when they become the breadwinners in their families. They are expected to contribute financially, especially when circumstances demand it, but they are not really given permission to let that contribution change anything else about their responsibilities. We see this when Tola tells Chinazo about his upcoming job interview and expects her to be available for Feyisola, even after she informs him that she will be in a meeting. 

A man who works long hours to support his family is usually understood to be doing what he has to do, but when a woman does the same thing, there is often another question waiting for her. Who is taking care of the children? Her work can be treated as though it has taken something away from her family, even when that same work is what keeps the family from getting kicked out of the house.

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It is not that children do not need their parents. Of course they do. The problem is that we have created a standard where a mother鈥檚 devotion is often measured by how much of herself she is willing to surrender. Chinazo鈥檚 worry that people would think she was a bad mother after Tola brought Feyisola to her office captures this pressure perfectly. Her career becomes something she has to balance carefully, her ambitions something she may be expected to postpone and her exhaustion something she is supposed to push through because there is always someone who needs her. When she cannot do all of this perfectly, the word 鈥渋rresponsible鈥� is quickly thrown at her.

Tola鈥檚 experience adds another layer to the film because his discomfort is not entirely about money. He has grown up with the idea that being able to provide is part of being a good man, so losing his job also means losing a role that gives him a sense of purpose. Chinazo鈥檚 ability to step into that role exposes how fragile those expectations can be, but it also raises the question of why her competence has to feel like his failure. If a family needs one person to earn more at a particular point in time, why should that arrangement threaten anyone鈥檚 identity?

The problem here is that society has made motherhood a role women must constantly prove themselves worthy of. A woman can provide for her family, love her children and still have a life beyond them. She shouldn鈥檛 have to sacrifice every other part of herself before we believe she is a good mother.

罢丑别听聽is returning on August 22, 2026, in Lagos! Come learn from finance experts and industry leaders, and partake in unfiltered conversations about building wealth and diversifying your income stream in a country like Nigeria.聽Real stories, expert advice you can actually use, and a community ready to build wealth together.聽.

This is Bolanle鈥檚 Story As Told To Sofiyah聽

My dad was probably the first person to introduce me to the idea that women have their own agency, and I learned what that looked like by watching how he treated women.

My dad is a retired diplomat, and both of my parents were civil servants. He鈥檚 often posted to different countries, so my mum would sometimes take a break from work, and we would all travel with him. This meant there were periods when she didn鈥檛 have her own source of income and was financially dependent on him. Not once did I ever see him use that dependence against her. He was always respectful towards her, and I also watched him advocate for women to have the same opportunities as men during his career.

Before what happened to me, I had never experienced gender-based violence and didn鈥檛 really understand it outside of the context of a husband abusing his wife. I knew that violence against women existed, but I had never personally experienced it or seen it happen around me.

I had always been cautious with people I didn鈥檛 know, though. I think women have to be alert because of the society we live in, even though we shouldn鈥檛 have to. If someone comes to my house to repair something, for example, I won鈥檛 let them close the door. I don鈥檛 care how many mosquitoes come inside; the door is always going to stay open. I鈥檓 constantly aware of my surroundings and conscious of the people I allow into my space.

It was this mindset I had when I hired my former driver. He had only been working for me for about two weeks before the incident, and I was extremely busy because I鈥檇 just moved into a new apartment and was opening my salon. There wasn鈥檛 really much of a relationship between us beyond the normal driver-employer dynamic, although I had already noticed that he had a slightly condescending attitude towards me.

It was the kind of attitude I鈥檇 experienced from some Nigerian drivers before, where you get the sense that they鈥檙e wondering, 鈥淲ho is this person? Why does this girl live alone? Where does she get her money from?鈥� I wasn鈥檛 sure it would work, but I desperately needed a driver at the time, so I decided to give it a try.

Then one day, I discovered that he had been stealing from me.

I had left some money in the car and counted it, only to realise that some of it was missing. When he came the next day, I told him my money wasn鈥檛 complete and that I couldn鈥檛 have someone who had stolen from me working for me, so I would have to let him go.

Instead of addressing the missing money or even apologising, he just asked about the money he was owed for the work he鈥檇 done. I told him I would send it to him that day because I didn鈥檛 want to escalate the situation. I got into my car and started driving out of the compound with my windows down because I鈥檇 just turned on the car.

As I was leaving, he started shouting at me to give him his money before I went. I reminded him that I鈥檇 already said I would send it, but he kept shouting, and then he suddenly lunged through the passenger side of my car.

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His body came into the car, and he was on me, so I started freaking out and trying to get him off me. I had already driven halfway through the gate, so I stopped the car and tried to push him away. I can鈥檛 remember exactly what happened, but I remember getting myself out of the car and eventually getting him off me. In that moment, I was completely terrified. 

What made it even more traumatising was the actions of the security guards. They were right there, but they didn鈥檛 even make any immediate move to come and help me while I was being attacked. It took them a while to intervene, and when they finally came over, they were telling him to calm down. They were bystanders to the attack, and that stayed with me because I couldn鈥檛 understand how they could see someone physically attacking me and not immediately come to my aid.

I had only just moved into the apartment, so I didn鈥檛 know them, but I shouldn鈥檛 have needed to know them for them to help me. If you see someone attacking another person, you should be concerned. As security guards, their responsibility was to protect the people in that compound, but they didn鈥檛 do that when I needed them to.

I eventually got back into my car and drove away because I didn鈥檛 feel safe staying there. I remember immediately sending the driver his money afterwards because I was panicking and just wanted to move on. I had my hands full with the salon and my new apartment, so I just wanted to put it behind me.

A few hours later, someone called my phone and threatened me, saying they knew where I lived and that I had better pay the money I owed him. That鈥檚 when I really started panicking because I realised the situation wasn鈥檛 over.

The person who called wasn鈥檛 even the driver. It was someone else, and that made the situation feel even more sinister to me. I had never been so scared in my life. I remember standing outside my salon and crying because of this. 

The moment I informed my dad about the call, he called the police, and they immediately went into action. We reported the case, and within about two days, they tracked the driver down and arrested him. He was charged in court, and the police followed due process. He spent a day or two in a cell before he was granted bail, and once the court granted him bail, there wasn鈥檛 much I could do about that.

The frustrating part was what happened afterwards because the Nigerian court system is incredibly slow. The first court proceeding took place a few months after the incident, but the case dragged on, and then COVID-19 hit, creating a massive backlog in the court system. There were huge gaps between court dates, and eventually, the case just died. 

I was disappointed that we couldn鈥檛 go through the full process, but I wasn鈥檛 interested in revenge. I believe strongly in consequences because I think that鈥檚 part of what makes a society function. If there is a law, it needs to be enforced, because when there are no consequences for people鈥檚 actions, people become more willing to do whatever they want.

At the same time, I had to learn how to forgive him for myself. As a Christian, I had to get to a place where I could release him from my heart while still believing that he should face the consequences of his actions. Two things can be true at the same time.

The aftermath affected me more than I realised. I don鈥檛 think I slept in that apartment for about three weeks after the incident. I was extremely nervous because I knew he knew where I lived and that he was out on bail. For about two years after the incident and throughout my time living in that apartment, I didn鈥檛 have a driver. It was only after I left that place that I eventually became comfortable enough to employ a driver again.

Looking back, I also understand my dad鈥檚 fear about me moving out. When I first told him I wanted to leave his house, he actually said no, which surprised me because he wasn鈥檛 usually like that. At the time, I didn鈥檛 understand what he was trying to protect me from, but after what happened, I realised he understood some of the vulnerabilities that come with being a single woman living alone in Nigeria in ways I hadn鈥檛 considered.

When I eventually started hiring drivers again, I became much more intentional about who I allowed to work closely with me. If I sense that a driver is condescending towards me because I鈥檓 a woman, I let him go immediately. I understand that someone might not be comfortable working for a woman, but they can鈥檛 work for me because I鈥檓 not going to manage that behaviour anymore.

The interesting thing is that I don鈥檛 think I fully processed what happened when it happened. I compartmentalised it as, 鈥淭his person is just a mad person,鈥� and kept moving because that鈥檚 what you do when you鈥檙e trying to get through life. There are so many things to deal with as an adult in Nigeria that sometimes you don鈥檛 even have the space to process your trauma.

It was only recently, when I shared the story publicly, that I realised I hadn鈥檛 fully processed it. I had to ask myself whether I felt safe and what feeling safe actually looked like for me, and I realised that my level of caution had become much higher.

The experience also gave me a deeper level of empathy for women who have experienced violence. I鈥檝e always been an advocate for protecting women and using my platform to speak against violence, but experiencing something like that yourself changes the way you understand it. I was also lucky because it could have been much worse. I could have been killed or ended up in the hospital, and in that moment, I had to fight for myself and fight for my life.

I also find it interesting that I didn鈥檛 initially identify what happened to me as gender-based violence. I just thought of it as a Nigerian man being a mad person, but when I look at it now, I understand the gendered element more clearly. There are things people feel comfortable doing to women because they don鈥檛 see women as equal to them, and I鈥檝e experienced situations where a man is being aggressive towards me, and another man has to intervene.

That鈥檚 why I think we have to keep having conversations about equality between men and women, even when people are tired of hearing them. When I shared my story on Twitter, some of the responses were genuinely disheartening: people asked what I had done, claimed there were two sides to the story, and outright gaslit my experience.

It made me realise that there are still people who don鈥檛 think what happened to me was wrong, and those are the people we need to have these conversations with. The conversation is actually very basic: men and women are equal, women have the same rights as men, women deserve to be treated with respect, and women have the right to their own lives and their own agency.

We鈥檝e not even crossed that basic point yet. You can meet a 19-, 20- or 21-year-old boy who will tell you that men and women are not equal, and I always wonder where he learned that. You鈥檙e 20. You鈥檙e not 40 or 50. What year are we in?

There is still so much work to do, which is why I don鈥檛 think we can afford to stop talking about these things. People are learning and unlearning things they thought were normal, and they鈥檙e questioning things they鈥檝e said and done, and that matters.

For me, it all comes back to what I learned from my dad and mother. A woman should have her own identity; she should be able to work and earn her own money; and she should be able to make decisions about her own life without that making her less deserving of respect. I鈥檝e always known that because I watched my dad live it, but this experience showed me how important it is to聽keep insisting that others understand it, too.

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罢丑别听聽is returning on August 22, 2026, in Lagos! Come learn from finance experts and industry leaders, and partake in unfiltered conversations about building wealth and diversifying your income stream in a country like Nigeria.聽Real stories, expert advice you can actually use, and a community ready to build wealth together.聽.