Tobi Smith, Author at 91��!

9 of The Most Accurate Starter Packs For Nigerian Churches

Tobi Smith — Sun, 26 Jul 2020 08:01:16 +0000

For every church in Nigeria, there’s always something you know them for. From bells, to private jets to red berets each one has its own. We made a list that you can’t help but agree with

1. The Celestial Church starter pack

2. The Deeper Life starter pack

3. The Christ Embassy starter pack

4. The Chosen starter pack

5. The Jehovah Witnesses starter pack

6. The Mountain of Fire starter pack

7. The Redeemed starter pack

8. The Synagogue starter pack

9. The Winners Chapel Starter pack

The Different Kinds of Nigerian Mothers

Tobi Smith — Sun, 24 Jul 2016 09:00:33 +0000

1. The Strict Mother

She never stops shouting Will come into your room and leave your door open She talks to you with her eyes alone and you get it

2. The Caring and Overprotective Mother

Most caring mother Has never beaten you once Will beg you to be a responsible child, and not forget where you’re from

3. The Emotional Mother

She can cry you a river or a waterfall When you do something wrong she will cry till you feel horrible Your dad pampers her all the time

4. The Hyper Mother

She has your back when your teachers are messing up Ride or die mother Once you please her,she has your back with your dad

5. The “Over-Extrovert” Mother

Is at every party in the estate Will probably embarrass you when you both are outside She thinks she dresses better than your girlfriend

6. The “Razor Mouth” Mother

Nobody messes with her She has probably insulted all the teachers that don’t like you She has a lucrative lace business

7. The Christian Mother

She will keep you at morning devotion for one hour Is an expert at telling you not to do early relationships Can give you her last money to have fun

8. The Young Mother

Nobody believes she is your mum All your guy friends like coming to visit you Your sisters like her cause she knows how to gist

9. The 21st Century Mother

Cooks the best food for real All your friends like coming to visit for food Manages to run two businesses at the same time

10. The Newly Born Again Mother

She used to be a party person She is now a deaconess Can insult the life out of people, but she’s born again now

11. The Generous Mother

She will sell her jewellry to send you to school Her daughter-in-law loves her so much Will give the best advice at anytime

12. The Fighting Mother

She has 10 kobokos Her daughter-in-law is tired of life She wants to live with her sons all year long

The Different Types of Nigerian Fathers That Exist

Tobi Smith — Sat, 23 Jul 2016 09:00:49 +0000

1. The Super Wise Father

Is the oldest in his family Your uncles always send their kids to your house for counseling and advice He will tell you 100 proverbs before you get your allowance

2. The IJGB Wannabe Father

He has been to USA just once He never ceases to bring it up in every convo He thinks he is still young and popping at 67

3. The International Father

He is never around He will give you gifts and dollars too Everyone wants to get to his level

4. The Comedian Father

You will never catch him angry He makes a joke out of everything When you fail an exam, he will say “can you at least pass the salt on the table?”

5. The Social Father

Everybody invites him everywhere He is always talking of joining politics someday Will tell you it’s cool to bring your girlfriend home

6. The Shady Father

He is always angry He jokes about using either you or your siblings for blood money His wife is always begging him to go to church

7. The Posh Father

He never looks old Your mum always keeps a watchful eye on his phone He never beats you, just talks gently to you

8. The Strict Father

He has given you a 7PM curfew You must marry only from your tribe There is nothing like allowance increase in his dictionary

9. The Neighborhood Bigman Father

Throws an owambe every two weeks He will pay your school fees and give you half of it for allowance He will want to find a wife/husband for you himself

10. The Street Father

None of your teachers can touch you He usually comes home late at night He may have reset your destiny with a slap or two

14 Images That Are Too True For Anyone Who Had A Nigerian Principal

Tobi Smith — Sun, 17 Jul 2016 09:00:48 +0000

1. How your class is on a regular day at anytime

Everywhere in commotion.

2. How it is when someone shouts “principal is coming”

Because nobody wants to ride okada.

3. Your principal’s motto

They did not care to listen to what happened.

4. Your principal at the PTA meeting about to tell the parents how useless you have all been

The man won’t even code the bad gist at all.

5. When you hear “the principal is calling you in his office”

Jesus Christ. What is it again.

6. That photo in his office of when one white man came to your school

Very proud moment for him.

7. All the students when the principal says the hostel food will get better

Yeah right. And the exchange rate will be N1 to $1 as well.

8. Every principal had a framed photo of himself and his friends at conference

We don’t even understand.

9. What it feels like when your principal is trying to famz the students

This man sef.

10. When inspectors come and your principal is forming “best guy”

Can these people go so we can continue our lives.

11. Your principal and his vice principals on inter-house sports day

Embarrassing the whole school.

12. The unofficial cap of principals

Only God knows when last they washed it.

13. You when you think you have outsmarted your principal

Amoshine!

14. Your principal, when he knows visiting day is coming and he will see your parents

The way he will twist the story.

If You Ever Tried To Write WAEC With Dubs, This Post Is For You

Tobi Smith — Sat, 16 Jul 2016 09:00:47 +0000

1. When mock exams are over

And you thought you did well.

2. Then mock results came out

My God. 20/100.

3. So you realize you cannot do this on your own

Na only me waka come?

4. You, looking for who has sure dubs

I cannot stay at home for one year abeg.

5. When your parents start telling you about having straight A’s

These ones want to kill me.

6. When you hear rumors about dubs being available

Where??? It’s lit!

7. You, with the person that is going to provide the whole class dubs for WAEC and NECO

Our lives are in his hands.

8. You and your squad when the teacher is doing final revision

Who revision don help.

9. And you know there are sure dubs waiting in the hostel that night

Winning.

10. 10PM and you hear the dubs are in the hostel ready to be shared

I cannot come and carry last.

11. Writing every single letter and question mark as someone is reading it out

About to win the award for most A’s.

12. So you stay up studying it

Because, last hope.

13. You, in the exam hall waiting for the paper to start

Let me kill this thing and move to objective.

14. When you hear someone shout “Jesus Christ”

It’s all over.

15. And you don’t see any of the questions in the supposed “sure dubs”

So this is how I become a dropout.

16. When WAEC results finally come out

You don’t even know how to tell yourself, talk less of your parents.

Anyone Who Has Worked With Nigerians Will Understand This Perfectly

Tobi Smith — Sat, 09 Jul 2016 09:00:55 +0000

1. When your coworker wants you to come and pick him/her every morning

Are you buying me fuel?

2. When Wale from head office is always coming 40 minutes late for every meeting

We that came here early, do we have three heads?

3. That coworker that is always over excited

What is always “sweeting” this one?

4. Monday morning and someone has body odor enough to suffocate

My God. Has water finished in your side of this country?

5. Office people and minding their business

They don’t go together.

6. When one of your coworkers is always asking you out to dinner

You’ve been getting ‘no’ since 2014. You no dey tire?

7. When one of your coworkers is always coming for advice

Every time one problem or the other.

8. When you realize you actually wasted your time advising them

Please don’t come and disturb me ever again.

9. When someone removes his/her shoe and renders the air unsafe

Why do you do this everyday?

10. When Emeka from customer care is never at his desk but everywhere else

Is there soldier ant on your seat?

11. You when the SU of the office is always trying to invite you for fellowship

Ahan, is it not the same heaven we are going?

12. That coworker that is always kissing the ass of all the ogas

You no dey tire?

13. When Haruna always shows up with Sallah meat

SURE GUY!

14. When you see the serial money borrower coming to your desk

I’m not even here.

15. Those coworkers that want to take the shine when they didn’t do anything

If you don’t get out.

16 Things Everyone Who Has Worked In A Bank Can Relate To

Tobi Smith — Thu, 07 Jul 2016 09:00:06 +0000

1. When you get your employment letter

We are not mates anymore.

2. First day of work and you hear you can only leave at 8PM

Sah, did you say eight as in 8PM?

3. During your training and you hear the kind of target they have

It’s not me that will go to the marketing department abeg.

4. When they end up putting you in the marketing department

Nobody said the road will be this rough.

5. And they tell you your target is N350 million

Must be a mistake, prank, or an expensive joke.

6. But you hear Chioma in marketing brought N400 million last quarter

Na jazz?

7. So you start wondering if bank work is worth it

My photographer and fashion designer friends are not having this stress.

8. You and your social life

Because no time to even sleep properly.

9. Waking up at 4AM and still getting caught up in traffic

This is just pure stress.

10. When you get to work 200% frustrated and Shola from customer service wants to crack jokes

Please, not today or anyday this week.

11. When one customer is getting impatient after only two minutes

Eskiss sir, you need to calm down abeg.

12. You, when people come to withdraw N500 over the counter

Are you being serious? For real?

13. When customer Musa always fills tellers wrong and runs away with your biro

What sort of people are in this world?

14. When your coworker removes his shoe and you can’t breathe again

My God, what is this stench?

15. You when your balances are not matching at the end of the day.

This is the end.

16. When they tell you your major account holder wants to close his account

Please sah. Epp.

15 Of The Most Annoying Statements Nigerians Make

Tobi Smith — Sat, 02 Jul 2016 09:00:36 +0000

1. “You don fat oh”

Somebody cannot eat and add small weight again.

2. “You no dey chop?”

They don’t even care if you are doing Fitfam.

3. “When are you going to find husband?”

Oga oh!

4. “Didn’t you pay the tailor complete?”

For when your dress is too short… by Nigerian standards.

5. “Is this your cloth original?”

It’s my tailor that made it abeg.

6. “Who sent you?”

When you have done more than yourself.

7. “You too dey chop!”

Comments that make you lose your appetite.

8. “God will do your own oh”

Especially when you congratulate them on getting engaged.

9. “You don get belle?”

It’s now a crime to sleep in the afternoon, abi?

10. “Where is your home training?”

Just leave the place and go and cry.

11. “If only you read your books like you press your phone”

After this, you just have to get all A’s the next semester.

12. “It’s like something is worrying you”

This one will make you look in the mirror and think.

13. “Beggy Beggy go and buy your own”

This is when you understand why Baba God needs to pick up.

14. “It’s not your fault o”

You start asking yourself where you went wrong.

15. “Can you see your life?”

*covers head in shame*

18 Situations Only People Who Failed At Fitfam Will Understand

Tobi Smith — Sun, 26 Jun 2016 09:00:07 +0000

1. Christmas season and you realize you are 20kgs heavy

I will start working out next year, by God’s grace.

2. Your New Year’s resolution list on January 1

I am ready!

3. Your browser history for the first week of the year

Lets lose this weight and be fit!

4. So you drive around looking for a good gym

Let me find the one, with plenty fat people, like me.

5. You when you finally find a gym that you like

This year is my year of physical fitness!

6. Now it is time to look for workout partners

But all your friends are lazy, and only one of them is interested.

7. The night before your first day at the gym

Nobody can stop me now.

8. When you go to the gym two days in a row

Get fit or die trying.

9. You, after working out for one week straight

Where are the muscles and six packs?

10. Then someone says you have to add healthy eating

So you mean all my exercise won’t work?

11. Your first week of healthy eating

My body is perfect. Flawless.

12. After three weeks of healthy eating and working out

My body is kind of tired.

13. When your workout partner sees you at Chicken Republic

See casting!

14. Two days to the end of January

Today is my cheat day.

15. You, chasing your summer body and food at the same time

The Struggle.

16. When you realize you haven’t been to the gym in four weeks

See ehn. I will start again before summer.

17. When it’s May and your friends say it’s ok to give up your fitfam goals

Fake friends.

18. June 1 and you realize your tummy has doubled in size

Okay, next year is another time to start afresh! Countdown!

14 Images Anyone Who Hates Spending Money Can Relate To

Tobi Smith — Sat, 25 Jun 2016 09:00:48 +0000

1. When you buy something and you hear “oga make I keep the change”

Don’t let the devil use you.

2. When someone invites you to go and eat but says “bring your wallet”

Thanks. I’m not hungry.

3. “The Aso Ebi will be N35,000 and N9,000 for gele”

I think I have something similar at home.

4. When it is time to buy Christmas gifts for people

I don’t really celebrate Christmas like that.

5. When you walk into a shop but the prices are not smiling

“Do you have the golden reddish brown color?”

6. When your friends ask you when next you are going to the club

I always have malaria every friday night please.

7. When you get asked why you are single

Relationships are expensive abeg.

8. When you are driving past Chicken Republic or KFC

There is rice and new stew at home.

9. What your phone charger looks like

Because, it is still working.

10. You, at any owambe now that tomato don cost

Leave me o! Let me just do breakfast, lunch and supper here.

11. When you see an indicator light on the dashboard of your car

After I pray and anoint the car, it will be okay.

12. How you feel when it’s time to pay your rent and bills at the same time

My God, why?

13. When you see an item you really want

I still have one at home I am managing.

14. When you hear the price for a show is N10,000 for a regular ticket

I don’t think I will be able to make it.

Tobi Smith, Author at 91����!