Victor Daniel, Author at 91��!

Where You Live in Abuja and What That Says About You

Victor Daniel — Fri, 22 Apr 2022 10:07:12 +0000

Abuja is the much-adored capital city. While the city plays host to people from different places, classes, and ethnicity, the most popular towns that make up the city are occupied by specific kinds of people, and we’re here to expose them today.

1. Maitama/Asokoro

This is where you find the big boys with fuck-you-money. The politicians, children of politicians, oil magnates, people who can still afford Titus sardine, etc.

2. Kubwa

According to the 91�� Bureau of Imaginary Statistics, half of the Igbo population in Abuja live in Kubwa. That’s why okpa is the most popular staple around there. Every Igbo person in Nigeria has a family member in Kubwa.

3. Dutse

For people who want to live in Abuja but can’t afford to live in Abuja. Typically people who did NYSC in Abuja and couldn’t find a job afterwards but refused to go back to Asaba and Lagos.

4. Gwarimpa

Everybody is innocent until proven guilty, except people who live here. Gwarimpa is for Lagos people who moved to Abuja but couldn’t move on from Lagos. The traffic within the estate is numbing and if you go out of your house at exactly 1:53 a.m., you might see LASTMA officials harassing yellow Lagos buses.

5. Kuje

An autonomous country near Abuja. Residents are required to have their own international passports before they are allowed to travel to Abuja or any other part of the country.

6. Lugbe

Everyone who you have lost contact with for years now lives in Lugbe. Also the town is for people who live in Abuja but want to avoid the responsibilities of Abuja people. When you bill them, they tell you they don’t have. If you say, “Don’t you live in Abuja?” They quickly respond with “Yes, but I live in Lugbe.”

9. Gwagwalada

Basically Lokoja but with wider roads. Mostly for folks from Kogi state who tried to migrate to Abuja and failed to make it all the way to the city itself. These people lie to everyone else that they live in Abuja, and so we have grudgingly accepted them.

We Reimagined “The Passion of the Christ” as a Nollywood Classic

Victor Daniel — Mon, 18 Apr 2022 13:00:00 +0000

There’s no better time to talk about Mel Gibson’s classic The Passion of the Christ than now. If this movie which had Nigerian kids and parents in the 2000s in a chokehold was produced in Nollywood, who would be who?

Jesus Christ – Ifeanyi Kalu

It’s high time we had a bald Jesus. I mean, look at him. This looks like a man who’ll give you his money if you ask for it. #Diversity.

Mary the Mother of Jesus – Chinwe Owoh

A nurturing mother character who looks like she’s waiting for the next opportunity to cry? That’s Chinwe Owoh, please. She already has a long history of playing the suffering, compassionate mother on screen so she’ll be the perfect fit to play Mary.

Mary Magdalene – Shaffy Bello

Most accounts of Mary Magdalene portray her as someone who has rich aunty vibes. If there’s anyone in Nollywood who exudes this vibe, it has to be the mercurial Shaffy Bello. Plus she fits right into Monica Belluci’s shoes right enough when it comes to the portrayal of this character on screen.

Judas Iscariot – Kanayo O. Kanayo

Who is more notorious for playing characters who can go to diabolic lengths for money in Nollywood than Kanayo O. Kanayo? Look no further than this man. Judas–wherever he is–has to be a fan of this legend here.

Pontius Pilate – Pete Edochie

There’s not much to say about this. Nobody embodies authority like this man in all of Nollywood. Just put him in that role and watch him own that Pilate’s throne like it was created for him.

Barabbas – Hanks Anuku

Pick any robbery scene from any Nollywood movie and tell me if you didn’t see this man there. From movies like Broad Day Light to Jango, nobody played a thief better than Hanks Anuku.�� If there’s anyone most suitable to play the character of the robber released instead of Jesus Christ, here’s the man.

Two thieves – Aki & Paw Paw

This just felt right. These men grew famous for playing mischievous duos on screen, and so would have been fitting characters to play the two thieves crucified beside Jesus Christ.

Satan – Chiwetalu Agu

It’s just appropriate for the greatest villain in Nollywood history to play mankind’s greatest nemesis on screen. The mere thought of him revelling in the anguish of Christ during that torture scene in the movie makes this casting choice feel very right.

Cities in Nigeria and the Football Clubs They Represent

Victor Daniel — Sat, 16 Apr 2022 16:00:00 +0000

Have you ever thought about what cities share the most similarities with your favourite football clubs? Well, we have, and now we’ve attempted to draw parallels between some of England’s biggest football clubs and places in Nigeria.

Akure – Tottenham

Small nyash wey dey shake sometimes. They had two minutes of good history and that was it. They’re both modest achievers and have a few notable individuals. Tottenham has a league cup to its name and Akure has… well, Shoprite and an airport.

Calabar – Arsenal

These two have a lot of good old days to remember. Just like Arsenal under Wenger played great football, Calabar used to be a really great place when it had that governor who built that famous mountain resort. Both are now better known for their lack of genuine progress. Calabarians bask in the golden years of Donald Duke just like Arsenal fans never stop bringing up their golden Premier League trophy from nearly 20 years ago.

Ibadan – Liverpool

A lot of history and notable figures with years and years of decay in the middle, and a renaissance engineered by a visionary leader in the persons of Seyi Makinde and Jurgen Klopp, respectively.

Port Harcourt – Chelsea

Loud, proud, notable individuals in recent history, great strides financed by oil money. Chelsea fans and folks from Port Harcourt are some of the proudest people you’ll ever meet.

Lagos – Manchester United

Great history. Many notable individuals. Ever since their iconic leaders (Babatunde Fashola and Sir Alex Ferguson) left them, they’ve been left at the mercy of administrators who haven’t measured up to standard. Meanwhile, fans and inhabitants of the club and city go to bed every night stressed, while trying to convince themselves they’re still as great as they used to be.

Abuja – Manchester City

They don’t have a long history or many notable individuals. In fact they don’t have as many inhabitants and fans as other cities and clubs around. But in terms of recent strides, they’ve become very high achievers thanks to the injection of oil money. Everyone is migrating from their cities and clubs to this city because they’re the shiniest new object in town.

QUIZ: Can You Match These Football Coaches to Their Clubs?

7 Easy Steps to Getting Over Football Heartbreak

Victor Daniel — Sat, 16 Apr 2022 15:30:00 +0000

There are only a few things that hurt as much as seeing your team lose an important match. Aside from the pain of losing the game, the banter on Twitter will crush you further. As a lifelong Arsenal fan, I have tasted all forms of football humiliation you can think of, so I’m in a good position to tell you how to cope in these trying times. For your mental health, here is what to do after your team takes a giant L.

1. Delete Twitter

Just log out fam. The streets on Twitter are mean. Even if you unfollow all the sports pages on Twitter, one oloriburuku will retweet something that will hurt your feelings.

2. Avoid all football-related news and websites

For the next few days, avoid Bleacher Reports and Sky Sports news. Goal.com already has a screaming headline about how disgraceful your team’s performance was. Please, save yourself the mental breakdown.

3. Blame the government

We understand that you’re human and you need to let off steam somehow. Channel all the rage you feel after a stinging defeat to going online and challenging your leaders to do better. It will also be a good time to remember #EndSARS.

4. Remember there’s more to life than football

Console yourself about how there’s more to life than football. You’re attractive, you have a partner and you have a job, unlike the people currently shamelessly trolling your club on social media. Even if you don’t have any of these things, focus on nature — see how the sun shines brilliantly on your neighbour’s roof and how the breeze whispers in your ears. Isn’t it amazing?.

5. Remind yourself that your friends are good people

Your friends will surely relish the opportunity to rub it in. When they start bantering you, take a slow, deep breath and tell yourself: “It’s nothing serious. It’s just football. I know Okoro is my friend, and we’ve been friends for a long time and he loves me. It’s just football. It’s just football. He’s just teasing me. He loves me. There are more important things in this life.”

Repeat this till you believe it.

6. Do yoga

Yes o. In order to achieve inner peace, take meditation seriously, especially on the very morning after your team has taken a big L. Arsenal and Manchester United fans may not need this anyway since they’re psychologically adjusted to disappointments every weekend.

7. Focus on work

Channel all the heartbreak you feel into your work. Use the force of all that negative energy to shatter your KPIs. Footballers are going to get paid so why not just focus on your own work too?��

Do all these things for one week and the whole world would have moved on by the time you’re back.

Smarter Places to Hide Your Goat Meat This Easter

Victor Daniel — Sat, 16 Apr 2022 09:00:00 +0000

Goats are to Easter what chickens are to Christmas. And just like at Christmas, we expect the crime rates in the kitchen to skyrocket during this time. For newbies in this game and oldies who want to outsmart the goat meat thieves this year, we’ve decided to suggest five efficient ways to keep your goat meat safe for Easter celebrations.

Kolo

Traditionally made for saving cash, this can come in handy when you realise you have to take desperate measures to protect your goat meat from friends and family.

Safety deposit boxes

You have to understand that these guys aren’t relenting in their efforts to part you from your ogunfe. The kolo can be easily destroyed, but a safety deposit box with secret combination codes can make that much harder to do. Like the Saviour on Easter Sunday, Ji, ma sun.

Bank vaults

If you’re like me and your deep-fried goat meat is very precious to you, then you’ll agree with me that there’s no place too extreme to hide them. You can take your trays of fried meat to a bank and drop them as precious deposits. I’m sure they’d understand.

A Lagos apartment

To be honest, if our politicians can rent an entire apartment to hide stacks of stolen public funds, then why can’t you do the same for goat meat? Let’s face it — is there really any amount too much to spend on keeping your goat meat from the itchy fingers of the crooks in your house?

Newspaper

Just hide them between pages of newspapers. Nobody reads them anymore anyway.

A Step-by-Step Guide to Loving Amala

Victor Daniel — Fri, 15 Apr 2022 13:00:00 +0000

Amala, ewedu, and gbegiri, also called “Abula”, isn’t a meal that exactly enjoys the best PR. In fact, it’s one of the most slandered meals on Obasanjo’s internet, especially by people who didn’t grow up in Western Nigeria.��

However, according to the 91�� Bureau of Imaginary Statistics (ZBIS), a lot of people fall in love with the Western Nigerian staple once they give it a chance. Having met and spoken with people who overcame their initial disgust to fall in love with abula, we have decided to draft a step-by-step guide on how to love and enjoy the meal.

1. Don’t judge a book by its cover

You know that looks can be deceiving shey? I mean, look at the disappointment that is strawberries and Lagos Island at night. have said that abula isn’t particularly big on aesthetics, but what it lacks in looks, it makes up for in taste.��

2. Be brave

Yes, we admit that deciding to start eating abula as an adult is no easy feat, especially as you may have some issues with its UI. But you have to be brave in your resolve. You have to be determined to try, against all principalities and powers preventing you from giving this meal a chance.

3. Be open-minded

Being open-minded is not just about understanding the opinions of others. You have to be able to give things a chance regardless of what other people have said about them. Gather courage and look beyond all the amala slander that flies into your face every time you log in on Twitter.

4. Therapy

For people who have been scarred by traumatic images of amala and ewedu on the internet, it may not be easy for you to come up with the psychological resolve to eat it on your own. You may also not be mentally ready for the shock you’re about to experience when the delicious taste of abula hits your taste buds. So you may need to see a shrink to mentally prepare you for what’s to come.

5. Divine guidance��

Some of you may have never tasted abula because you lack the spiritual foresight to know the good things of this life. So you may need to contact your spiritual leader after you’re done with therapy.

With these few guidelines we have provided, we hope you now have the tools to execute judgment upon the next bowl of abula that comes your way.

ALSO READ: Interview With White Amala and Black Amala: “Hating Amala Is A Character Flaw.”

Victor Daniel, Author at 91����!