If you had asked me what Danish Deception was a few days ago, I would’ve sworn it’s when you open a tin of Danish cookies hoping to find sugary delights but end up with sewing supplies.

This soap-opera-style TitkTok mess comes to us courtesy of Onyeka Ehie, a Nigerian-American and former Bachelor contestant. Here’s a photo of her pre-scam:

She was a contestant on the 23rd season of (Colton Underwood’s season, LMAO) and was eliminated in Week 5. She eventually returned for the 6th season of the spin-off show, Bachelor in Paradise.

She revealed in a 25-part TikTok series how her three-year marriage to a Danish man named Martin Fredsgaard Andersen started like a cheesy romance flick and ended like something you already know Netflix is making a documentary about.

Personally, I think the story didn’t need to be this long. There’s a lot of fluff that we could have done without but ultimately made the story more immersive. On that note, I have to hand it to her for making this retelling cinematic AF. She released a teaser video, followed by the pilot, and ended each chapter with a cliffhanger. She even named the saga herself.

While watching it, I realise why she’s told the story this way. If you’re going to reveal to the world how you got scammed, you might as well make some money from it. Each video in the series has a ton of views, and I have no doubt that her account is monetised.

I know that’s right.

Because we don’t have all the time in the world, I will be cutting through the fluff to get you the main gist. So sit down and grab some scones . Because…

The silhouette is you. We like to have fun over here.

It’s June 2022. Our protagonist, Onyeka, is tired of serving capitalism, so she goes on vacation to Croatia where she meets a Danish man named Martin. They flirt heavily with each other, bond, and exchange Instagram handles, agreeing to keep in touch.

Here’s a picture of them together so you have a face in mind whenever I mention him.

I have to mention that I found this photo of them on an Instagram page named ““. Do not take this as commentary on interracial relationships. I just think it’s funny as hell.

As the days go by, Martin is blowing up her Instagram with flirty messages. They start talking, and it’s clear there’s mutual attraction. He reveals that he comes from a royal family and offers to fly her out. She first refuses because she’s an “Independent Woma (Part 1 by Destiny’s Child), but eventually agrees. Martin pulls out all the stops. He flies her out to Monaco and then to Cannes where they knock genitals. Onyeka is getting her entire life.

She’s so turnt that she tells him she’s in love with him, and then passes out on her way to the bathroom, smacking her head on a flight of stairs in the process. Just as the ambulance is about to take her to the hospital, lying in a puddle of her blood and urine (she peed herself when she fell), Martin cradles her face and says, “I love you too.”

When Onyeka returns home to America, she tells her family and friends that she’s found love. Her typical Nigerian parents react the way you expect.

But they eventually come around, and so do her friends. Months later, Onyeka and Martin have settled into the rhythm of long-distance relationships, which I assume involves a lot of…

It’s hard out here for long-distance relationship folks.

Martin announces that he owns multiple rental properties in Denmark and is considering buying another, but currently doesn’t have enough money because his cash is temporarily tied up in other things. Onyeka feels guilty that he’s paid for everything so far. And because she believes they’re in a relationship that’s heading to marriage, she offers him some money as a way to “pull her weight”. He’s grateful but turns down her offer.

Here’s Whoopi Goldberg to voice the thought I had when I got to this part of the story.

Not long after, Martin visits Onyeka in America and charms the pants off her family and friends. He randomly mentions being an Olympian, which gags everyone present, including Onyeka, because he’d never brought it up before now. When he returns to Denmark, she鈥檚 depressed AF and offers to uproot her entire life to move to Denmark and be with him. He declines, saying he doesn’t want to separate her from her family. With the level of care and consideration Martin showed, I imagine Onyeka was like…

Right after this, Martin’s life seemingly goes to shit as the following series of unfortunate events happen to him:

• His father dies.
• His uncle also dies.
• He develops severe back pain due to two herniated discs and has to get surgery.
• Something goes wrong with the electrical setup in the apartment building he just bought that would cost $50,000 to fix.

He decides to cancel his trip to see Onyeka so he’ll have enough money to fix his problems. She misses him so much, though, so she gives him some money to help him fix his building problem so the trip can proceed as planned.

These things happen over the span of months. In that time, they decide to get married, go ring shopping, and consult an immigration lawyer. Onyeka鈥檚 mother randomly asks if Martin鈥檚 parents even know Onyeka exists, because they鈥檝e never met. Onyeka briefly spirals over this, but returns to regular programming when the delusion takes over.

Then comes the next set of problems for Martin:

• Because Martin plans to move to America, he sells his house and decides to invest $250,000 from that sale into a friend鈥檚 plumbing business. Onyeka encourages it after he insists it’s a good investment.
• Weeks later, he claims the Danish IRS says he owes $318,000 in unpaid taxes and asks to borrow $15,000 from her to complete the money he has. When she hesitates because she needs the money to pay her own taxes soon, he manipulates her by saying that if he doesn’t fix this, it will jeopardise his green card application process. She immediately gives in and lends him the money. He now owes her $25,000.
• A friend he borrowed from to sort the tax problem needs his money back urgently. She gives him $3000 to add to the money he’s already raised to pay his friend back.

At some point in all this happening, they set a wedding date. They get married at a courthouse with Onyeka in a Fashion Nova dress.

Not Fashion Nova. Lol

They go on vacation to Cabo…

Eat the rich fr

…and while Onyeka’s stunting for the gram, she notices many Danish people viewing her stories, including Martin’s ex-girlfriend. When she points this out to him, he calls them bad belles and asks her to block all of them. She does and forgets about it.

Here’s a list of weird stuff that happens next:

• Onyeka meets Martin’s parents and is shocked to see that they don’t live like royalty. The house is small, the vibes are off, and he seems somewhat ashamed of the house. She just assumes that they don’t enjoy the flashy life.
• Martin announces he鈥檚 found a wealthy family to buy the apartment building and claims their contract requires both sides to put money into escrow so no one pulls out. He says he needs $120,000 and will get a loan for $100,000 and needs $20,000 more. She gives him $3000, bringing the total money he owes her to $31,000.

To celebrate selling his house, he wants them to go ON YET ANOTHER VACATION. She rightly points out that they have very little money, so he suggests they use her credit cards, seeing as the sale of the house will go through soon, and he’ll pay her back. Even though her savings are gone at this point, SHE AGREES, accruing credit card debt on top of the regular debt she already has.

After the trip, Martin claims the IRS has flagged the sale of his Denmark house. She panics because it means they’re going to struggle financially for longer. He says the IRS has scheduled a hearing for this, which goes badly. A second hearing is set for his personal and business accounts. He claims all his assets will be frozen for months and that the government will put him on a fixed living allowance. He insists she shouldn鈥檛 tell anyone about his financial issues so they won’t look at him differently.

He later says the second hearing went well and instantly sends her only $9000, claiming all remaining funds are in his business account, which is now frozen for eighteen to twenty-four months. He claims his remaining money has been drained by insurance charges on his two rental buildings. He is suddenly broke again, and she resumes supporting him financially.

At Christmas 2023, Onyeka gets Martin’s real tea from one of his close friends.

Martin has a major gambling addiction.

Here’s some other stuff she finds out:

• He owes her friends (Let’s call them Mr and Mrs Watch) $200,000. Months prior, Martin approached Mr and Mrs Watch about a watch selling business. Mr Watch agreed and the watches were sold, but Martin never sent their share of the money. ($200,000)
• Martin lied about no longer having a gambling addiction. Mrs Watch does some digging and finds out that the payments for the watches were made into a crypto wallet that’s been connected to a gambling website for years.

Mrs Watch suggests they hire a private investigator to find out more about Martin. Here’s what the PI finds:

• No criminal background 鈥� a miracle given his track record with money.
• He never went to the Olympics.
• The house he claimed he was living in in Denmark at the time he and Onyeka met wasn’t his. The PI reverse Google-searched a photo of the house and found out the house is situated in Germany.

She confronts him with all this, and he attempts to lie but gives in and starts crying when she threatens to call his mother. At this point, I’m like:

BUT SHE DOESN’T. She still loves him and thinks things can still be salvaged. She makes him start attending Gamblers Anonymous meetings. They also set up a plan to repay Mr and Mrs Watch. And for a few months, things seem to be going well.

Until she finds out that he’s still gambling. Like mad. As in, he’s gambled all his money away and has only 34垄 in his bank account.

They do the whole spiel again. She gets upset, he cries, apologises, and they go back to regular programming.

Until he starts gambling again.

This time, he sells more of his comically expensive watches, takes a salary advance from his workplace, and uses ALL THE MONEY TO GAMBLE.

Everything that happens next is a rollercoaster of shit so I’m going to put it in list form.

Ready?

• Martin somehow owes Onyeka鈥檚 mother $10,000 he owes her. He claims he’s sent it and keeps lying about why it hasn’t arrived yet. When Onyeka confronts him about it, he yells about being unhappy and proceeds to excuse himself from the narrative that is their marriage. He then storms out and flies back to Denmark.
• While Onyeka is crying to her sisters about her impending divorce, she finds out he also borrowed $3000 from her youngest sister. Twice. He paid back the first time and didn’t pay back the second time.

This is when Onyeka’s eyes finally open.

• She starts calling all the friends and family she’d introduced Martin to and found out he’d borrowed money from them and never paid back. Pretty much every single one, and he told them to keep it a secret from her.
• Onyeka unblocks Martin’s ex on IG and reaches out to her. The ex already knows what’s going on and spills even hotter tea: They’d dated for seven years (he’d told Onyeka they only dated for four). She reveals he stole money from her, her family, her friends, her coworkers, and that he was still with her four months into his relationship with Onyeka.

At this point, Onyeka is like:

• Onyeka call up Martin’s sister, whom she had never spoken to because Martin said he had beef with her. She learns the royalty claim was fake, and Martin never owned any property in Denmark. Martin’s sister explains that Martin has a long history of borrowing money from people for fake business ideas. Around the time of his rehab stint, he got money from loan sharks who threatened to break his knees and those of his friends and family. After that, he escapes to Shanghai and starts scamming people there too.
• Also, his old gambling rehab doctors had described his gambling addiction as the worst they’d ever seen in their careers.

That last one made me cackle because it gave me flashbacks to Dr Samuel Loomis describing Michael Myers in the first Halloween movie.

To say Onyeka is distraught is an understatement. She calls everyone she knows Martin spoke to while in America and finds out from some guy who wanted to be a mentor to Martin that Martin had scammed him of $30,000. He鈥檇 even sued Martin, but Martin lied and hid it from Onyeka.

Onyeka decides that all she can do now is fight, and, seeing as Martin didn鈥檛 leave behind any clothes or a car for her to burn, she starts by initiating the divorce proceedings. This makes Martin start blowing up her phone with ChatGPT-crafted messages saying he loves her and wants to work on what they have. She ignores him until she鈥檚 walking her dog one day, and he shows up in a black SUV and says with a smile, “Hey baby.”

Onyeka, who is seeing things clearly for the first time in three years, takes in a deep breath and screams…

And so he drives off in a hurry. Was he actually trying to kidnap her?!

Imagine “Hopeful” by Twista and Faith Evans playing as you read this portion

Onyeka is no longer legally tethered to Martin Fredsgaard Andersen. He couldn’t get anything else from her because she bought everything she had before they met and didn’t have time to put his name on any documents.

Their divorce was finalised on the 4th of November, 2025.

Onyeka refuses to end it here, though. She’s dedicated to making sure no one ever experiences what she went through. She says many victims of Martin’s have reached out to her since she put her story out, and she’s putting enough evidence together to put Martin behind bars forever.

You better werk, Onyeka.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity  on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named 鈥�So You Don鈥檛 Have To 鈥�, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

I’m truly obssessed with how the photographer airbrushed them into uncanny valley territory.

The movie starts in what is obviously a Lekki shortlet. Odogwu (Uzor Arukwe) has brought Chioma (Bam Bam) to meet his village elders, but things don’t look as joyous as they should. I’m still wondering why the long faces when the elders look Chioma in the face and call her:

And I’m like,

Turns out Chioma was born out of wedlock, and Odogwu’s village elders aren’t down with that. They claim that if Odogwu, a titled man, marries such a woman, it would besmirch his family name or some shit. They insist the wedding can not happen and ask him to choose between Chioma and his title.

Chioma, who’s just been called a bastard unprovoked, is in distress because her man is about to pick a title over her. She gearing up to cry…

…but then wakes up screaming.

T’was just a nightmare.

Chioma is launching her perfume store named Arena Scents. Her family members are present in bone straight wigs of varying qualities.

That middle one in particular is diabolical.

Odogwu is also present, and his outfit is just insane.

A pair of nurse scrubs with an coat? I am STRESSED.

Chioma asks Odogwu why his mother, Mummy Odogwu, isn’t present even though he promised he’d bring her. She complains that she’s never met his mother and doesn’t know what she looks like because he’s only ever shown her a 30 year old picture of Mummy Odogwu.

He brushes it off with a joke that makes her giggle and promises that she’ll meet his mother soon. This is a thing that happens thorough out the movie, btw. She’ll complain about something, he’ll crack a joke to throw her off, she’ll say, “Odogwu, stop!” and tee-hee until she forgets what was bothering her in the first place.

Girl, stop giggling, and STAND ON BUSINESS!

The next day, Chioma gets to the store to find all the shelves empty. She gets like Marvin and asks what’s going on, and the attendant explains that she posted a snippet of Chioma’s speech from the store launch along with a song named “Achalugo” by an artist signed to Mavin Records named Boy Spyce.

Boy Spyce reposted the video to his story, and Don Jazzy reposted it to his, causing other celebrities to follow suit until the general public felt compelled to patronize the store in droves.

Dear reader, so begins the long list of super aggressive product placements in this movie.

I guess Omoni Oboli figured that if Smart Money Woman could get away with human product placement, she could too.

Chioma tells Odogwu about her business’ stroke of luck. He decides to buy her a logistics company so she can keep up with orders. And that’s how we get:

At the end of the logistics company conversation, she says, “I love you” and he replies with:

I don’t know if it was an editing error or an intentional joke, but it made me cackle.

There’s a scene where Odogwu receives a phone call from Chioma. Apropos of nothing, he says this:

We’re just getting started, you guys.

Gifts meant for Chioma are delivered to her office, along with a note. She initially thinks they’re from Odogwu but realises they’re not after reading the poem that came with them. The poem is refined and cultured. That’s not Odogwu’s style. Chioma has a secret admirer. She can’t keep the gifts, so she gives them to her assistant.

Also, peep:

The excitement on the assistant’s face is killing me. Lmao

Odogwu is at dinner with his family when Mummy Odogwu complains about Chioma being too focused on career shit. She insists Chioma should focus on bearing sons instead and starts to criticise Odogwu’s affinity for career women when her other son points out that the reason Odogwu loves the career ladies is that Mummy Odogwu herself was a career woman.

Mummy Odogwu (Patience Ozokwor, who you’ll remember has never met Chioma) doesn’t rate her and sees her as a gold digger. She doesn’t take their relationship seriously either and loudly wishes for the day his obsession with Chioma will end. Determined to prove that his love for Chioma isn’t a passing fad, he declares that he’s going to see Chioma’s relatives the following week to make his intentions to marry her known. Mummy Odogwu is not happy about this development, and her face can not hide it.

Odogwu is having a meeting with UBA staff…

…when Chioma calls to gist him about how a popular Dubai perfume company named Supreme wants Arena Scents to become their official distributor in Africa. I pause the movie here to figure out if I missed a scene of her doing juju because the luck her business has been getting since she launched is wild.

There’s a scene where Odogwu and Chioma are making out in bed.

She’s getting super into it and is ready for them to knock genitals.

But he pulls away saying:

So now, she’s like:

I feel you, sister.

The movie itself is full of scenes that have nothing to do with anything. It’s structured worse than Nigeria’s economy, and I’m fighting for my life trying to make sense of it.

Odogwu gifts Mama Chioma a house so he can ask for her daughter’s hand in marriage. He tells Chioma that he started building the house immediately after they first met because he knew he was going to marry her someday. Chioma is touched by this, but I’m like:

Wedding preparations begin. Mama Chioma and Ify (Chioma’s sister or friend??) are way more enthusiastic about things than Chioma is. Ify suggests they make a destination wedding and starts listing off locations.

While Mama Chioma is scamming the hell out of her friends in the name of aso ebi:

Meanwhile, Mummy Odogwu learns about Chioma’s true parentage and is determined to get the wedding called off. She tries to make Odogwu do it, but he doesn’t care, so she goes to their village elders. When she sense hesitation in them, she pulls out her secret weapon.

Emotional manpulation.

It works, and all the elders are gagged.

Chioma’s ex-boyfriend, Hassan (Chris Attoh), saunters into the plot. He’s the secret admirer who sent the gifts earlier and is also on the board of Supreme, the Dubai perfume company looking to partner with Arena Scents. He declares his intention to get back with her by doing this:

But she’s with Odogwu now. Also, their relationship ended when he ghosted her years into their relationship. So she’s like:

He later buys her a G-Wagon to win back her love (is everybody in this movie doing money ritual??) but she tosses the keys in his face and tells him off.

Odogwu tracks down Chioma’s father and brings him to her office. She is pissed, because, like, who sent him message? He mentions how he’s been seeing ignored calls from her dad on her phone and somehow took that as a sign that she wanted to see him (???) These calls have never been shown or even referenced before now, so we’re either witnessing shitty writing or editing. Odogwu goes to her house to apologise, she accepts, and he spends the night. Then they make us watch this sequence of him brushing his teeth just so they can show this:

Odogwu’s village elders are unable to make him cancel the wedding. So they summon Chioma, instructing her and the spirit of wedlock she carries around to leave Odogwu alone. Odogwu makes it clear he doesn’t give a shit about his family’s approval and is willing to elope with Chioma, but she refuses for the following reason:

And ends the relationship.

Chioma tries throwing herself into work to distract from the breakup but finds that the universe hates her. The Supreme Dubai deal has been cancelled. Petty ass Hassan got the deal called off when she spurned his advances.

Chioma’s life right now is straightup diarrhea, and she just can’t even. She drops everything and goes on vacation at Ziba Resort to have a heartbreak montage.

The framing of this shot (so the resort’s name is visible) is sending me into oribit.

Odogwu hasn’t given up yet, though. He gets Chioma’s location from Ify and deliberately sends his mother on vacation there so she can get to know Chioma. The thing is, Chioma has never met Mummy Odogwu and doesn’t know what she looks like. But Mummy Odogwu knows Chioma. This leads to Chioma spending the next few days unknowingly auditioning for Mummy Odogwu. They run into each at the breakfast buffet and reach for the last piece of chicken at the same time. Chioma graciously leaves it for Mummy Odogwu.

They run into each other again during lunch when a random couple is arguing loudly, and Chioma defends the woman.

Mummy Odogwu later finds Chioma reading on the beach.

After a talking for while, Mummy Odogwu decideds Chioma is good enough for her son. Odogwu shows up at the resort to find Chioma. They suck face on the beach and get back together. Mummy Odogwu reveals her identity to Chioma the next morning. They all laugh and hug, and I half-expect them to jump into a freeze frame. But that doesn’t happen, because this isn’t that type of movie (a fun one).

We’re finally at the traditional wedding. The cooks are in the kitchen whipping up a feast when we get the product placement motherload.

And FINALLY the movie ends, with Odogwu and Chioma sucking face in a wedding dress store.

You just know there’s a sequel coming that’ll focus on the white wedding.

鈧�212 million is not small money, so we had to watch this visual to see why it costs more than an average Richard Mille wristwatch.

Let鈥檚 get into it.

The video opens with a bull skull, which I took to mean two things: a ranch or a 鈥渄anger zone鈥�. The next scene proved my first theory because it featured a bunch of idle cowboys and cowgirls with hard faces.

The frowning cowboys and girls stare at Kcee as he drives into their area, comes out of his car and presents an old tube vintage TV set to a guy who looks like the ringleader of an upcoming cartel. 

I thought I was about to see a drug deal for a moment, but instead, the guy turns on the TV and 鈥淥japiano remix鈥� begins playing supernaturally. I say 鈥渟upernaturally鈥� because the TV isn鈥檛 plugged into any source of power known to man. As if that isn鈥檛 impressive enough, the old-school (AKA black and white) TV starts showing Kcee and Ryan Tedder in very bright colours.

After a few seconds, the others gather to watch, and some take dancing positions.

At this point, I鈥檓 confused. One Republic isn’t a country music band or group of cowboys, so why is Kcee meeting cowboys? 

Also, the white folks watching Kcee on the TV are on one side, but the all-black women dancers remain on the other side. The reason for this segregation is unclear. But let’s move on.

In the next scene, Kcee appears in a stable. But he鈥檚 the only one there. Where are the horses? If they wanted a stable scene so badly, why didn鈥檛 they make it look finer in a 鈥渢oo-good-for-horses鈥� way. I mean, they had$150,000 to spend.

The video continues with Kcee and the dancers dancing and dancing. The others watching the performance on TV did so for the remaining two minutes of the video until the music video ended abruptly. 

I have so many questions, but the one that confuses me most is why Kcee presented the TV  to the cowboys. What did that symbolise? 

For a song about being a boss man and money spender, the 鈥淥japiano remix鈥� music video feels more like a lacklustre countryside adventure. Maybe the $150k included his flight costs to America because nothing else in the visual supports that claim.

I鈥檒l conclude by saying: 鈥淥japiano鈥� should have been left as it is 鈥攁 street anthem without 18 seconds of Ryan Tedder鈥檚 vocals and its overpriced music video.

I Endured Tacha & Omashola鈥檚 鈥淐hiwawa鈥� Music Video So You Don鈥檛 Have To

鈥淎 criminal defence attorney takes on the case of a seductive artist accused of murdering his girlfriend, but when burning desire takes hold, things get hot and dangerous.鈥�

鈥� The movie鈥檚 synopsis on Netflix.

And my first question is, people didn’t know it would be bad after reading that synopsis? 

Let鈥檚 get into it.

The movie opens in classic Tyler Perry fashion: A therapist talking to a couple who have no real intention of solving their problems.

Mea (Kelly Rowland) is zoned out AF from the conversation until the therapist and her husband, Kal (Sean Sagar), bring her back. We quickly learn that Kal is a mummy鈥檚 boy who also has problems setting boundaries with his childhood friend/female bestie, Jenna.

Kal gets a call then announces they have to leave for his mum鈥檚 birthday dinner. Mea shuts that down and stays back for the rest of the session. After Kal leaves, she reveals her husband is jobless AF, doesn鈥檛 want his family to know and has attachment issues with his mum because she has cancer. Chale, I was already stressed!

The movie then cuts to Mea鈥檚 arrival at Kal鈥檚 mum鈥檚 birthday dinner. She meets a colleague, Mannie, who says he鈥檇 love her to meet a popular visual artist, Zyair Malloy, who鈥檚 facing murder charges and needs a badass defence attorney. She鈥檚 hesitant but agrees to a meet-up.

Finally, we meet Mummy Kal (Kerry O鈥橫alley) AKA Azalia and she鈥� looks nothing like anyone who has her days on earth numbered. And if you鈥檙e wondering why she鈥檚 white with black kids, you should know the movie does nothing to answer this question.

Oh, Mummy Kal is nasty as hell because why TF did she invite Jenna to the party and have the audacity to sit her right next to Kal?

Mea spends the night playing catch-up with her friend and sister-in-law, Charlise, at the far end of the table. We barely see food on the table, but there鈥檚 enough passive aggression and performative action from the family members to fill them up.

Next, we see聽jobless聽Kal give his mum an expensive wristwatch and go: 鈥淚t鈥檚 from Mea and I鈥�.

The dinner-from-hell finally wraps, and the family members trickle out of the restaurant. Charlise wants to know why there鈥檚 paparazzi and finds out they鈥檙e here for Zyair, the artist accused of murdering his Mexican boo.

He鈥檚 also selling off Zyair鈥檚 artwork in his house.聽聽

The ride home is intense. Kal reveals he had to sell the piano to afford mummy鈥檚 lil birthday watch. At this point, we can tell Mea is over his bullshit.

After the chaotic events of the previous night, we see Mea at her workplace, where she鈥檚 one of the baddest legal bitches running things. Zyair has come to get her to take his case, but she quickly tells him she probably wouldn鈥檛 since her brother-in-law is prosecuting.

Zyair makes a case for his innocence, and Mea says she鈥檒l consider it.

We don鈥檛 know if it鈥檚 the same day or the next, but we see Mea and Charlise taking a walk after a dance class. On the other side of the road, a group of angry white women protest the continued display of Zyair鈥檚 artwork at a gallery.

Mea uses the opportunity to tell her sister-in-law she鈥檚 taking up his case, and our good sis is completely against it.

Next, we see Mea in defense-attorney mode.聽

Like her sister-in-law, Kal wants her to drop the case. And the following ensues:

The movie takes us to Zyair鈥檚 studio apartment, where Mea confronts him with evidence suggesting he鈥檚 guilty AF, and she鈥檒l only represent him as long as he tells her the truth. Classic 鈥渄efence attorney of a murder suspect鈥� move.

The entire scene plays out rather annoyingly thanks to Zyair鈥檚 raging hormones that stain every interaction with Mea unprovoked. 

After a long and tiring AF day, Mea gets home to a cancer-ridden Mama Kal, who after chemotherapy, came to rescue her jobless son from 鈥渆ndless takeouts鈥�. We also see the brother-in-law. So, it鈥檚 a complete gang-up cosplaying as a family dinner. 

Of course, Mea was on the menu, and they ate her so bad with their demand:

It鈥檚 at this dinner that Mea finds out her brother-in-law is running for mayor and hopes to score votes by sending Zyair鈥檚 ass to jail.

Mea calls on her private investigator, Jimmy 鈥� who has feelings for her but tails her husband and reports on his activities 鈥� for her new case.聽

Mea and her brother-in-law battle it out in front of a judge who succumbs to the idea of close relatives on both sides of the case.

In the next scene, we see why Mea believes so much in Jimmy鈥檚 ministry. Mans dug beneath the crux of Mother Earth herself to find statements from Zyair鈥檚 exes detailing their rather gruesome sexual experiences with him. 

See for yourself:

And in Zyair鈥檚 defence?

Mea to Jimmy:

The night wraps with Mea sending Jimmy off to Mexico to find out more about Zyair鈥檚 murdered lover. 

After Jimmy leaves, Mea joins Zyair on the rooftop and he tries to plead his case鈥� yet again:

Jimmy calls Mea from Mexico and says there鈥檚 hardly any information or investigation around Zyair鈥檚 murdered lover. He promises to keep digging.

After what seemed like ages, we see Kal again. And for the first time in the movie, we鈥檙e teased with a potential genital slam-a-thon that ends before it has a chance to get either party wet.

Later that day, Mea meets with her client for more questioning about the case. Before long, we see an attorney vs client Q&A session crumble into what you see below:

Mea eventually comes to her senses, asks to leave and agrees when Zyair offers to drop her home. And just when I thought we鈥檇 be treated to the over-flogged but hot AF 鈥渄amsel on okada鈥� scene, Mea sees Zyair鈥檚 power bike and:

On the train ride home, Mea鈥檚 head is flooded with images of the near-mekwe encounter with Zyair. She gets home and tries to replace the ungodly images, but Kal is disappointment personified.

The next morning, Kal shows up at Mea鈥檚 office with flowers, but she鈥檚 less than impressed. She tells him she鈥檚 got stuff to do, and right in the middle of the exchange, Zyair walks in.

He does the most passive-aggressive takeover ever, placing his hand on Mea鈥檚 waist, not minding her husband鈥檚 presence.

Kal鈥檚 response:

Kal is pressed AF but even his meanest looks don鈥檛 stop Zyair from telling his attorney they need to head back to his house where he鈥檒l feel more comfortable to open up.

Mea protests the idea, but Zyair is out of her office quicker than she can convince him to stay the fuck back.聽

She does his bidding and shows up, but Zyair is far from impressed. He calls Mea out on her bullshit, claiming she鈥檚 attracted AF to him but denies it.聽

He says he can鈥檛 trust her any longer and doesn鈥檛 want her as his lawyer. Mea remains unfazed and tells him off.

Zyair walks Mea out of his house and ends up in an underground orgy-styled nightclub with enough ashawo lighting to blind any human being.

Mea returns home to find Kal too engrossed in a virtual shoot-out with his bestie, Jenna, to notice her presence in the room. Mea is riled up AF and retires to her home office. She gets a call from Maddie, who told her about Zyair in the first place. Maddie apologises on behalf of Zyair and begs Mea to stay on his case. 

Next, we see Mea at Zyair鈥檚, and he鈥檚 quick to apologise for his behaviour. She makes it clear that, even though her marriage has issues, she鈥檚 not some cheap slut to be seduced by an artist about to lose his career.

Tell me why this sneaky ass nigga still tries to get in Mea鈥檚 pants right after? She still turns him down.

Enters a random naked white chick.

Who proceeds to swallow the shit out of Zyair鈥檚 cock in Mea鈥檚 presence. 

Mea tries to leave but not before Zyair did some shit to stall the elevator and make her witness his near-cum state.

Mea keeps the horny in check and storms out. In her car, our good ol鈥� investigator, Jimmy, calls to inform her that he saw her husband go into a hotel room with Jenna. Mea loses her shit, returns to Zyair and sets the motion for what鈥檒l go down as one of the nastiest genital rogbodiyan to air on television.

She walks in on Zyair and the white babe and takes over, chewing his lips with the anger of her recent discovery.

Before things get too far, she somehow regains her senses and wants Zyair to take her home. Mea jumps on the motorbike she refused earlier, and there鈥檚 a cute 鈥淩iding with my man鈥� moment:

They drive through the city and return right back to Zyair鈥檚 house for the messiest paint sex that could only be a desperately sex-starved person鈥檚 unlived fantasy.

Mea gets to work the next morning, and her husband and sister-in-law almost pounces on her for going MIA. She also learns that while she was getting her kpekus pounded, Kal and his other family members were at the hotel with Mama Kal, who鈥檇 asked to be moved somewhere closer to the hospital.

Mea regrets her genital rogbodiyan from the night before and realises her private investigator gave her the wrong info. She鈥檚 guilt-ridden and struggles to look Kal in the eyes. 

Mea goes to Zyair鈥檚 house and tells him she wants out as his defence attorney.

She also meets Jimmy and tells him he got his info all wrong.

The scene that comes up next shows a bunch of angry white women protesting in front on the gallery. Mea comes to the gallery to meet one of Zyair鈥檚 exes, Renee Hester Welson.

Enters the ex:

Without wasting time, Renee imposes herself as the bad bitch and gives a rundown of how Zyair has played Mea. 

Turns out the little paint sex stunt he pulled is an old trick he鈥檚 recycled with exes. Renee also tells Mea that the painting of herself on his ceiling has layers of all the women he鈥檚 been with underneath. 

In the next sequence, Mea lets herself into Zyair鈥檚 house and marches straight to the room where he dickmatised her.

She peels off the painting of herself on the ceiling and sees the layers of other women鈥檚 paintings.聽

She doesn鈥檛 stop until she gets to a painting of the ex he was accused of murdering.

Zyair tries to explain, but Mea isn鈥檛 having any of his bullshit stories. She makes to leave but he refuses to start the elevator, throwing in a subtle threat that he would tell the world about their rendezvous.

Mea tells him she also plans to tell the truth about what went down between them. Seeing he鈥檚 been beat, Zyair retreats and watches Mea leave. 

She gets in the elevator and screams the loudest fucking 鈥淪tart the elevator鈥� that makes it clear she鈥檚 not playing.

As if the day hasn鈥檛 been long enough, Mea and Kal arrive at his brother鈥檚 house, where other family members have gathered to spill tea. What ensues next is a messy AF tell-all where Kal鈥檚 family find out he鈥檚 been jobless for a while, and Mea tells Kal that Zyair stuck his joystick in her honeypot.

Mama Kal after Mea鈥檚 confession:聽

Mea only gets support from Charlise. Feeling defeated, she leaves.

After this rather chaotic night, we see Mea at a bar in Santa Domingo trying to put the past behind her. Her 鈥淢e time鈥� is cut short when a TV announcer says Zyair, who鈥檚 been chilling in prison, has agreed to take a plea deal. Right after, she gets a call from Jimmy, who鈥檇 been worried sick about her.

Still on the island, we see Mea running. She bumps into a waiter who looks familiar AF.

She realises the girl is Zyair鈥檚 allegedly murdered ex. Enters: Hot chase.

Unsuccessful in her chase and attempt to get the police involved, Mea calls Ray to tell him what she just saw with her two korokoro eyes. Ray promises to get his investigator to accost Hydie.

Later, Mea returns from Santa Domingo and heads straight to Ray鈥檚 house, where the entire family has gathered鈥� yet again. Mama Kal is everything but welcoming, but Ray calms her down. Mea learns Kal is on his way over, and Ray鈥檚 investigator is on his way to Santa Domingo. 

Jimmy calls Mea and tells her to check her email. We don鈥檛 know what鈥檚 in the email, but it sends Mea into shock. In the kitchen, where she stands flabbergasted, she spots a door leading to a room with a red light and approaches it. Inside, Mea sees a painting she so eagerly peels off, and sees her sister-in-law鈥檚 face. Just as she exits, Mama Kal bumps into her and deliberately crushes her phone.

Everything goes downhill from here. 

In the kitchen, Ray, Mama Kal and Mea鈥檚 bestie move weird. Ray tries to get Mea to down a glass of obviously poisoned wine. Mea doesn鈥檛. She鈥檚 also wondering why Kal is yet to show up, but her bestie tells her to join in making dinner. When Mea grabs a knife to cut vegetables, Mama Kal yanks it off.

When Ray returns, Mea asks for an update and learns his investigator has found Hydie. She says they should contact a judge but he says it鈥檚 better to wait till the next day. Mea then tells Ray to check his mail. The earlier message from Jimmy was confirmation that Mama Kal isn鈥檛 a cancer patient.

In quick succession, we find out the only reason we鈥檝e sat through yeasty paint sex scenes and this entire fuckery is because the family cooked shit up to help Ray win an election.

Make it make sense. 

It鈥檚 at this moment we also learn Charlise cheated on Ray with Zyair, and he鈥檚 known the entire time, which is why he had a copy of her painting in his little red room.

Mea tells Charlise they need to get TF OUT. But what ensues is a stressfully choreographed kitchen fight that ends with Charlise getting stabbed to her untimely death, and Mea running for dear life down the streets of Amrica.

Kal FINALLY shows up, and Mea is more than relieved. She gives him a rundown of the horror she just witnessed and gets into his car.聽

Kal makes a phone call to the police, but unknown to Mea, he鈥檚 actually on a call with his brother. 

Mea notices they鈥檙e driving back to the hellhole she just escaped from and is confused AF. She turns on the Bluetooth speaker and realises Kal is on the phone with his brother and is driving her back to her death. She tries to rile him up by hailing Zyair as the senior odogwu with more money, but this mini outburst ends quickly with a thunderous slap on her face. 

Mea stays in the passenger seat, stewing in her defeat, when she sees a trailer approaching and has a lightbulb moment. 

This happens next:

Ray gets arrested by the police and Zyair finally regains his freedom.

Just as the film prepares to wrap, Mea resurfaces since she tried to unalive herself, and watches in a corner as Zyair walks away a free man. 

When she turns to go about her business, she gets a genital meet and slam invite cosplaying as a 鈥渢hank you message鈥� from Zyair, but she does the 鈥淚鈥檓 so over your BS鈥� thing ever and thrashes the phone.

The END.

You should read this next: I Watched The First 10 Parts of Who TF Did I Marry Series on TikTok, So You Don鈥檛 Have To

Naturally, I wanted to ask for the day off and focus on all 50 parts, but I鈥檓 a slave to capitalism and can鈥檛 be AWOL for eight hours of a working day. So, I decided to focus on the first 10 parts. 

Don鈥檛 worry, it has enough drama to make you ask 鈥淲hy are men?鈥�

Let鈥檚 get into it.

Part one opens and Reesa Teesa introduces the series which sums up her tumultuous marriage. She quickly makes it clear that names will remain anonymous, and when you see her shining teeth, it鈥檚 a coping mechanism to help her get through without breaking down. God, abeg.

Now, let鈥檚 call the man Mr A. Reesa met him before the world entered the coronavirus lockdown in 2020. They鈥檇 been texting each other online and decided to take things to the next level. Cue: Physical meet-up.

Reesa鈥檚 car chose to act up on the day the Lord had made, but what鈥檚 a true love story when the damsel is not in hot rogbodiyan?

Mr A showed up and showed out. He was the complete gentleman who fixed her car, handled the bill and still took her on the date.

Reesa was impressed, and things picked up real sweet afterwards. Sadly, coronavirus came into the picture unprovoked, forcing the world into lockdown. But even lockdown and COVID couldn鈥檛 stop their love wantintin. Reesa and Mr A decided he should move into her apartment for quarantine because he had a smaller space.

Again, Mr A picked up most of the bills in the house quicker than anyone could blink, leaving out just a few for Reesa. Our lady was impressed. She鈥檇 never been with a perfectly gentle Odogwu who鈥檇 made it his life鈥檚 assignment to spoil her silly.

Thanks to the lockdown, they spent a lot of time together and got to know each other on a deeper level. Family, life鈥檚 goals and all that shebang.

Reesa learned Mr A has five siblings. He鈥檇 always call the oldest every day and plug in the classic Yoruba demon line 鈥淥ur wife is greeting you,鈥� and Reesa would holler back.

But get this, he never gave her the phone for any direct interaction.

Still in the 鈥淕etting to know ourselves better鈥� phase, Reesa learned Mr A came with small baggage. He had an ex-wife and two step kids whom he had a healthy relationship with. His approval ratings went up another notch because a man who鈥檚 present in his stepchildren鈥檚 lives? A keeper. 

Things continued to go well between them, and in May 2020, Reesa got pregnant. They both decided to buy their own house and move in as a proper couple. Again, Mr A took the front row and did the Lord鈥檚 work in making their dreams come true.

Enters major red flag number one.

Reesa found out Mr A never carried through with the plans to get a house. 

He鈥檇 shown her a $750k document confirming he鈥檇 been approved for a mortgage and would pay for the house in cash. But when it was time to pay, he鈥檇 come up with batshit confusing stories about an offshore account. 

Mr A finally returned and claimed he鈥檇 made a down payment. But when Reesa called the realtor to confirm, she discovered it was all lies.

The back and forth over the payment continued for weeks until she finally learned the house Mr A claimed he paid for had been bought by someone else. 

Here, Reesa admits she should have packed her things and called it quits, but she gave Mr A鈥檚 lying ass the benefit of the doubt. 

Fast forward to June, Reesa had a miscarriage that also required a medical procedure to make sure she was alright. Coincidentally, Mr A miraculously was promoted at work and was unavailable.

Reesa had to rely on friends and family to help her get through the phase. He was everything but the loving and caring guy she met months ago.

She finally forgave him and they decided to go house hunting again. This time, Reesa was involved in the entire process and found the perfect house. Mr A offered to pay $699k in cash, and Reesa was beyond flabbergasted. 

When Mr A signed an offer for the house in her presence, Reesa was relieved. 鈥淗e鈥檚 probably not lying this time,鈥� She thought. 

When the house sellers requested proof of funds to verify if Mr A had $699k cash for the house, the heavy lies returned, forcing both the realtor and sellers to pull out.

Again, Reesa was confused AF because didn鈥檛 he just say he had the money in cash? Also, he handled all the bills in the house without fail, so WTF was going on?

While the house-hunting shenanigan was still hanging in the air, Mr A pulled yet another trick. This time, he said he wanted to get a company car and also wanted his baby girl to get one.

Reesa, who drove an old model Nissan, was excited AF and went with him to the car dealership for a day of test driving. Listen, he had her drive everything from BMWs to Audi, Nissan Murano, Ford and Range Rovers. Eventually, she settled for an Audi. 

In typical Mr A style, he said he was paying cash for the car, and also told Reesa鈥檚 family via Zoom calls that he was getting her a car. 

Mr A asked the dealership if he could pay a holding fee to show commitment before he settled the rest of the fee. He later called Reesa and told her he鈥檇 paid for the Audi and gave her an expected delivery date. 

Delivery day came, and Reesa was all excited to take delivery of her car within the hours of 1-3 p.m. Mr A promised.

It was finally 3 p.m. and there was no car, no calls from a delivery guy, just pin-dropping silence. Reesa called Mr A and went 鈥淚t鈥檚 3 O鈥檆lock. The car never came. Do I need to call Audi myself?鈥�

Mr A was pissed AF, got defensive and said the delivery truck is stuck somewhere and would be delivered by the weekend. The weekend came, and there was still no car. 

At this point, Reesa was tired of his BS and dragged him for filth. 

Part 10 wrapped up with Reesa passing on his offer of a car, insisting she鈥檇 buy one when she could afford it.  

At this point, she realised she was with a man who got his high from making promises he knew damn well he鈥檇 never fulfil.

If you鈥檙e invested in this story that is absolutely not your business, there are to binge-watch when you have six hours that you鈥檙e not using. 

READ NEXT: Love Life: We Started Our Relationship With a Lot of Lies

Today, I’ll be recapping Merry Men 3: Nemesis.

The following tweet is my official intro for this article.

Let’s get into it.

The movie starts with a flashback to an unspecified point in time when the entire world was covered with the sepia filter Hollywood uses for films set in Mexico. We’re introduced to two characters, Dafe and Ayo, played by the worst child actors I’ve ever seen. Ayo is showing Dafe a magic trick involving a coin.

After a title card that serves PS1 realness, the movie returns to the present day and drops us smack in the middle of a police car filmed and edited like the director was trying his hardest to make the audience vomit. Also, am I bugging or is this Andrew Tate??

The robber gets away after blowing up the police cars and returns to the rest of his crew. They takes off their mask and is revealed to be Dafe 鈥� one of the kids from the opening scene 鈥� now played by Chidi Mokeme. Dafe asks to be released from the robbery gang as he has paid what he owes (what this is all about will be revealed later), and the gang leader says no.

TEN BANKS?!

So Dafe kills the rest of the crew with poison (the poison somehow takes hold of all of them at the same time), shoots the leader in the face, and returns to Nigeria.

In the next scene, Ayo (Ramsey Nouah) is getting married to his girlfriend, Dera. Dera was played by Damilola Adegbite in the last movie, but:

As Ayo and Dera are reading their vows, a recording of Dafe’s voice starts playing over the church’s PA system. While Ayo’s groomsmen, Amaju (AY) and Johnny (Williams Uchemba), try to figure out what’s happening, the wedding guests are LIVING for the drama. My favourites are these two:

Dafe makes them watch a live stream of their friend, Naz (played in the last movie by Jim Iyke but by a body double in this one), getting blown up with a car bomb on his way to Ayo’s wedding. All the main characters react to this death to the best of their actors’ abilities. But Naz’s girlfriend, Kemi (Rosaline Meurer), reacts by screaming directly into the camera for some reason, and it’s the most unintentionally hilarious thing I’ve ever seen.

Ajamu goes to warn fellow merry man Remi (played by Falz in the last movie) that there’s a new threat but finds him dead. All I can think about at this point is how many people declined to return to this franchise by saying, “Kill off our characters and use their deaths to kickstart this anyhow plot.”

While the merry men are grieving their losses, Dafe returns to his village to see his mother. He learns from his mother’s friend that his mother died months prior from an illness, and she couldn’t be treated due to a lack of health facilities in the village.

After he says this, Dafe comes to a conclusion.

Because he’s tired of them stealing the funds meant for things like health facilities. His first target is a politician named Chief Jimoh (Jide Kosoko). Jide Kosoko is in this movie for all of three minutes and spends 99% of that time doing this:

Dafe shoots Chief Jimoh in the face, anyway. He then kidnaps the priest and friend of the gang, Uduak Francis (played by Ejike Asiegbu in the last movie but now played by Sam Dede), and promises to let Uduak go if Ayo comes.

Ayo shows up, but to no one鈥檚 surprise, Dafe shoots them both. Uduak dies, but Ayo survives thanks to a bulletproof vest. Ajamu, Johnny, and Dera take Ayo to a hospital to be cared for by a Doctor Ejiro (played by famously 35-year-old actress and reality TV star Carolyna Hutchings).

The merry men find out they’re wanted by the police because Dafe has framed them for the murder of Chief Jimoh, so they return to their secret bunker to figure out what to do next. Amaju gets a call from prison. It’s Dame Maduka (Ireti Doyle), and she wants Amaju to visit her. Amaju is worried about being caught by the police, so he dons a disguise.

Y’all. Look at this disguise.

I haven’t seen a disguise this flimsy since . Jesus Christ.

I zone out for a bit, and something Dame Maduka says snaps me back to reality and makes me question the nature of the movie I’m watching.

Keep in mind that I didn’t alter the subtitles here. So I’m just sitting there like:

Dame Maduka says she has information on Dafe’s whereabouts and is willing to share, but only if the merry men break her out of prison. And they do, with the help of a character recruited by Dera named Zara (Ufuoma McDermott). Zara initially refuses to help because she’s worried about her son’s safety.

But Dera is like:

Zara robs a bank, intentionally gets caught, and is sent to the same prison Dame Maduka is in. I pause here to laugh at how easily this plan would’ve fallen apart if she’d been sent to another prison. Thank God for plot for convenience. After delivering Dame Maduka to the merry men bunker base of operations, Zara attempts to peace the fuck out…until Dafe sashays back into the movie’s plot to reveal that he’s kidnapped her son.

Zara freaks the fuck out.

She loses her entire shit and holds everyone at gunpoint for some reason.

Dame Maduka is just In the corner like:

Dame Maduka would be great at “So You Don’t Have To.”

Zara goes on a solo rescue mission and is promptly captured, beaten, and given the Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego treatment. Except that in this case, she feels the fire and dies horrifically.

Dafe says he’ll release Zara’s son if the merry men kill the senate president. They agree. While they plan for this, Dame Maduka convinces Kemi (Naz’s grieving widow) to give her the code to the group鈥檚 vault in exchange for Dafe’s whereabouts so Kemi can get her revenge.

This is incredibly stupid because the merry men already know where Dafe is. This subplot only happens so Dame Maduka can clear the vault and run off with their money while they’re on their mission. But whatever, sha.

Ayo shoots the senate president on-camera…

…while Dafe watches with so much excitement, it looks like he’s creaming his jeans.

Dafe asks the merry men to meet him at Zara’s son’s favourite place. The merry men are confused because Zara, the only person who would know this, has been barbecued. Dera correctly guesses that it’s the Hakuna Matata theme park in Lekki because that’s where she met with Zara earlier in the movie.

And that’s when I clock what’s happening.

The movie’s climax is set up to happen at Hakuna Matata theme park due to a product placement deal between the park and the movie studio. I’m just like:

The merry men get there at the same time as the police. Dafe finds out that the merry men faked the senate president shooting video, so he angrily straps a bomb to Zara’s son’s chest. The merry men show up, and many fucking awful fight scenes happen concurrently. Dafe is defeated, and the merry men are free to go because their names have been cleared. It’s revealed that Ayo is the father of Zara’s son.

Meanwhile, Dame Maduka attempts to escape with the merry men’s money but is thwarted by the police.

Hopefully, for the last time, because I DO NOT want to see another Merry Men movie.

Today, I’ll be recapping “A Weekend to Forget.”

“The reunion of seven friends takes a deadly turn when old tensions resurface, leading to a murder. Trust is shattered, turning friends into enemies, and they must unravel the mystery behind the murder.”

– The movie’s synopsis on Prime Video

The movie starts with a man named Chief Ajasa (Akin Lewis) stepping out of an elevator and lighting a Cuban cigar right in front of a no-smoking sign. This is so you know he’s a villain who doesn’t give a shit about rules.

The movie then cuts to another guy named Asaolu (Francis Onwochei) in a hotel room having a genital meet & greet with an unnamed girl. He’s so engrossed in his genital bump session that he doesn’t notice two enormous men dressed in all black enter the room.

By the time he notices, it’s too late. The enormous men grab him by his boobs and toss him around.

Chief Ajasa has orchestrated this. He’s pissed because Asaolu was supposed to give him a business contract but gave it to someone else. So he’s decided to retaliate by doing this:

I haven’t been more gagged by the opening of anything since Game of Thrones‘ pilot episode hit viewers with the insane combo of incest and child murder.

After a title card, we meet Chief Ajasa’s daughter, Lisa (Uche Montana), a popular vlogger (?), and her boyfriend, Bem (Neo Akpofure). Bem has come to pick Lisa up so they can go on a weekend trip with a few of their friends. Chief Ajasa is there to say goodbye to Lisa when he notices the car Bem arrived in and is like:

Chief Ajasa suggests they take his SUV since he doesn’t like the idea of his precious daughter riding in Bem’s rickety ass car. Bem and Lisa agree to this and immediately get in and drive off.

Next, we meet Tito (Stan Nze) and Nodal (Erica Nlewedim). Tito is the newest Nollywood star on the scene, and Ndali is his manager/girlfriend. When the movie introduces them, they’re at a product placement photoshoot for Lord’s dry gin, and Tito is showing more boob than a horny teenager in a low-budget slasher film.

Can my fellow fans in the house MAKE SOME NOISE!!!

When the photoshoot is done, Tito and Ndali head out for the weekend trip.

Next we meet Shima (Daniel Etim Effiong) and Layo (Ini Dima-Okojie). They’re married, and their childlessness is an ever-present elephant in the room because Layo wants one, but Shima kinda doesn’t. In their first scene, Layo has just gotten off a phone call with her mother.

Lastly, we meet Ferdinand (Elozonam Ogbolu), Bem’s cousin and wealthy playboy who has planned this weekend trip. Ferdinand welcomes everyone to the house he’s rented for them to party in, dressed in a cunty ass bathrobe.

There’s some tension in the group when everyone finds out Bem is coming. Shima especially makes it clear that he hates Bem’s guts.

Ferdinand takes them on a tour of the house and describes it like it’s about to be Wolf of Wall Street/The Great Gatsby levels of partying up in there, but it’s just a regular Airbnb with a few bottles of alcohol on the centre table.

What follows is an almost three-minute sequence of the most boring partying I have ever seen. The way it’s filmed is even weirder, soundtracked by KCee’s Ojapiano and with enough slow motion to shock Zack Snyder. There is one excellent shot of Ferdinand drinking champagne underwater, so I’ll just post that.

Later that day, Lisa is in the kitchen getting a bottle of water when Shima walks in and asks her how she’s been. It’s revealed that Shima is a lying bastard who dated Lisa for eight months and then ghosted her…while still married to Layo. Shima tries to gaslight her by saying:

And Lisa responds by gagging him.

She then reveals that she’s pregnant by showing him a picture of a positive pregnancy test kit.

And she threatens to tell Layo.

In the next scene, Lisa notices a giant butterfly tramp stamp on Tito’s lower back. She immediately recognises him as Jay Rocker, a famous pornstar from Xvideos, and even says she has one of his videos saved on her phone. Tito denies this with all the energy of Michael Jackson denying the plastic surgery allegations and storms off. He informs Ndali that he’s about to be exposed, and she promises to handle it.

She threatens Lisa with a defamation suit, and their interaction goes like this.

Not long after this, this happens:

Sizwe Bansi Lisa is dead. Layo, who is a doctor, checks the body and says it’s murder. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. We’re in a classic whodunit.

Things get messy as hell from here.

Tito decides to leave because he can’t have his rising star extinguished by being involved in such a scandal. Bem locks the doors and screams that none of them can leave until they figure out who murdered Lisa because he will not be suffering the wrath of Chief Ajasa by himself.

Remember Chief Ajasa? It seemed like he would be a big part of this movie, huh?

Anyway, Tito tries to fight Bem for the keys but gives up when Bem retaliates by slashing Tito’s arm with a knife.

While Layo helps treat Tito’s wound, Ndali steals Lisa’s phone so she can delete Tito’s videos.

Let’s talk about this pornstar subplot for a bit.

If Lisa didn’t recognise Tito’s face when she met him for the first time and used the butterfly tattoo to clock him, that means Tito doesn’t show his face in any of the porn videos he made. This also means that Lisa’s death lets him off the hook because she was the only one who knew.

Another thing is Lisa stated she downloaded the video from XVideos, which means that all Titos videos are pretty much on every free porn site already.

So why is Ndali still trying to delete the video?

Shima is looking for bandages to help with Tito’s wound when he finds a positive pregnancy test kit in Layo’s box. He assumes it’s the one Lisa showed him a picture of and that Layo knows of his affair. So he goes to the living room and confesses to her in front of everyone. It turns out that Layo had no idea, and the pregnancy test is hers. She was going to surprise him with the news later. She’s pregnant, which is cool, but she also just found out her husband be cheating, so damn.

Bem sees this as a motive for Shima to have murdered Lisa, but Shima insists he was in his room with Layo, and she backs him up. Ferdinand asks Bem to relax, and Bem replies by throwing accusations Ferdinand’s way. Ferdinand asks what his motive is, and Bem says:

Ferdinand is like:

And he’s right. Bem throws his accusation as if Lisa knew about it and was going to expose Ferdinand. But we never know if she did because the movie never establishes this.

Shima, Tito, and Ferdinand are plotting to pin the murder on Bem when an alarm on Lisa’s phone goes off, and the phone is found in Tito’s pocket. Bem brandishes his knife at Tito, demanding to know why Tito has Lisa’s phone, so Tito confesses that he used to do porn before he became famous. There’s an unintentionally funny scene where Bem unlocks Lisa’s phone, and the first thing that pops up is the porn video. Bem somehow recognises Tito in the video 鈥� even though no one’s face is showing 鈥� and recoils in horror.

Because how does he know it’s Tito if he’s not a fan?

Knowing that he looks guilty as hell, Tito tries to pin the murder on Ndali. And boy, is she pissed when she finds out.

Layo and Ndali later find the murder weapon in Bem’s closet.

After a quick fight to subdue Bem, who kicks all of their asses, Ndali knocks Bem out with a vase. They all decide to pin the murder on him and toss him in the pool to die for some reason. Bem wakes up after landing in the pool, but all the guys hold him under until he drowns in the worst death scene since Talia Al Ghul’s in The Dark Knight Rises.

They place Bem and Lisa in the driver and passenger seats, respectively and roll the car into a ditch, making it look like they both died in an accident. They then clean the house and leave the following day, promising each other never to speak of the weekend’s events. Ndali also breaks up with Tito and drops him as her client.

When Shima and Layo get home, Shima finds a necklace with an L-shaped pendant in his car. He remembers giving it to Lisa while they were dating and suspects Layo is the killer. He confronts her when they’re both in the house, and she’s like:

Layo explains that she didn’t plan the murder but was driven to madness after confronting Lisa and finding out about the pregnancy. Shima can’t expose Layo because she’s now carrying his child. So the movie ends just like Gone Girl did.

Chief Ajasa sashays back into the movie’s plot and has his men find the car containing Bem and Lisa’s bodies. Then we get this:

“The reason one of the taglines for “Saltburn” is “We’re all about to lose our minds” is because that’s exactly what happened to me when I watched these sex scenes from the movie.”

– Me (2023)

If you haven’t seen “Saltburn”, you probably already know what it’s about. Oliver Quick (Barry Keoghan), a student at Oxford on a scholarship, becomes obsessed with Felix Catton (Jacob Elordi), a wealthy and charismatic classmate of his, and proceeds to infiltrate his life, a task that becomes easier for Oliver when Felix invites him to spend the summer at his family’s sprawling estate named Saltburn.

Oliver eventually succeeds by engaging in insane levels of lying and scheming. He also does some things that can only be described as fucking unhinged. If you’ve seen the movie, you know the things I’m talking about. If you haven’t, you’ve seen posts on social media about them. Those scenes are what we’ll be going over today.

The One With The Cum-Flavoured Bathwater

So we’re like forty minutes into the movie at this point, and out of pity, Felix has invited Oliver to spend the summer holiday with him and his family at their estate. Felix and Oliver are staying in adjoining rooms and share a bathroom. One night, Oliver peeps through the bathroom door on his end and finds Felix beating the shit out of his meat in the bathtub.

Oliver finds this hot as hell.

So after Felix sprays his man seed in the bathwater and leaves the bathroom, Oliver has an idea.

He climbs into the bathtub and rubs his face in Felix’s cum-flavoured bathwater.

Just when you think the scene is over, Oliver takes it up a notch by sticking his tongue down the bathtub drain and slurping up what’s left of the cum-flavoured bathwater.

The One With Period Blood

As soon as Oliver arrives at Felix’s family’s estate, Venetia (Alison Oliver), Felix’s sister, takes a weird liking to him. She parades the estate grounds in a see-through nightgown in view of Oliver’s room window, hoping to get his attention, and she does. He comes down to meet her, and after a sexually charged conversation, he says he wants to eat her hairy snail. Venetia isn’t against it but points out that she’s on her period. This doesn’t deter Oliver at all. He looks at her and says…

And proceeds to eat her out, looking like Beelzebub from “End of the Wicked” in the process.

Oliver also feeds her the period blood in what I assume is a kinky display of their power dynamic, but I won’t show you that because I hope to make heaven someday.

The One With The Non-Consensual Genital Meet & Greet

Farleigh (Archie Madekwe), Fexlix’s cousin and classmate at Oxford, is super suspicious of Oliver when Fexlis starts hanging out with him. Farleigh also lives at Felix’s family’s estate and hates that Oliver will be spending the summer there, so he keeps doing things to prove Oliver is a creep, including reporting Oliver to Felix for eating Venetia’s ponmo. Oliver doesn’t like this, so he sneaks into Farleigh’s room one night and straddles him.

Farleigh tries to move, but Oliver holds him with his thighs. He tells Farleigh he doesn’t like how Farleigh’s been acting, asking him to behave. Farleigh responds by saying no twice but says yes the third time. Then Oliver does this…

…and pleasures Farleigh either by handjob or anal sex. The scene is shot in a way that doesn’t make it clear.

The One With Graveyard Sex

This one has a kind of a long setup, but stay with me.

Throughout the movie, Oliver tells Felix (and the Catton family) details about his home life. He says both his parents are poor drug addicts and that his father recently died of an overdose. Felix’s pity for Oliver is why he invites Oliver to stay at his family’s estate over the summer. On Oliver’s birthday, Felix surprises Oliver by driving him to see his mom. What Felix meets is not what he expected: Oliver’s father is alive, his parents are not drug dealers, and they live in a respectable middle-class suburb. Felix is horrified by Oliver’s lies, telling him to fuck off. Felix is found dead the following day.

After Felix’s funeral, Oliver goes to Felix’s grave, lies on it, and cries. This goes on for a while, and you start to feel bad for him until he…

…and starts dry-humping the fresh soil on the grave!

All this happens in the rain, by the way.

Bonus Entry: The Finale

It’s not a sex scene but involves nudity, so I’m throwing it in here. By the movie’s end, Oliver is now the sole owner of Saltburn and the Catton family fortune. How did he do this? By all that lying and scheming I mentioned earlier. Let’s go over it.

He orchestrated the incident that led to him and Felix meeting and poisoned Felix’s drink to avoid being exposed for his lies to the rest of the Catton family. He set Farleigh up for theft, causing the Catton family to kick him out of the house. He orchestrates Venetia’s suicide by suggesting it to her while she’s in the bathtub and leaves razors nearby. Felix’s father, James (Richard E. Grant), dies of a broken heart not long after Venetia’s death, so Felix’s mother, Elspeth (Rosamund Pike), who has taken a liking to Oliver, asks him to live with her permanently.

Elspeth becomes fatally ill a few months later. As she’s on her deathbed, after putting Oliver as the sole heir to the Catton fortune, he reveals to her his role in the series of unfortunate events that have happened to her family. He turns off her ventilator and watches her die. Then he proceeds to do cocaine and dance naked around the mansion 鈥� swinging his actual penis, not a prosthetic 鈥� to Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s “Murder on the Dancefloor.”

THE END

“Timi, a gifted clergyman, turns into an old lonely curmudgeon when his family is tragically taken from him. Until Elijah, a humble man with big dreams of becoming a priest, comes into his life. Through Elijah, Timi learns to live again and realises the purpose for all his gifts and wealth.”

– The movie’s synopsis from Prime Video

The movie starts with a CGI scene set in the year 2060. We see an older man in a wheelchair and a woman behind him at a graveyard, staring at a group of holographic tombstones.

I’m excited because I think the movie is set in the future. My excitement disappears when the film takes us back to 1953 and begins a round of narration so fucking long it would give the Cinema Sins guy several heart attacks.

I’m not even kidding. I thought the narrator was there to set the scene and then leave, but he’s a major presence in the movie for at least ONE HOUR.

The narration covers a shit ton of back story for a man named Timi 鈥� who the narrator refers to as his father 鈥� so I鈥檒l do my best to speed through it.

Timi (Ademola Adedoyin) is an exceptional young Nigerian who is smart and can fluently speak 16 languages. He also has what I can only describe as mutant lungs and can stay underwater without coming up for long periods. The longest amount of time he’s done this for is 57 minutes.

The fact that the American government doesn’t kidnap and run tests on him after this feat is further proof that this movie is taking place in a whole other timeline.

Timi becomes a reverend and marries a woman named Bridget (Eku Edewor).

If you can’t tell, I have an enormous crush on Eku Edewor.

Tragedy strikes when Timi and his daughter are at a carnival and witness a murder committed by a notorious thug hilariously named Baby Fire. Baby Fire is inexplicably wearing the worst-looking civil servant wig you’ve ever seen. Gaze upon it.

Timi agrees to snitch on Baby Fire in court, hoping they can finally put him in jail, but Baby Fire has some powerful white friends and is acquitted. Baby Fire, eager to show Timi that snitches get stitches and end up in ditches, gets back at Timi by kidnapping Timi’s wife and daughter and setting them on fire right in front of him.

After grieving for nine straight days without moving from the spot where his wife and daughter were barbecued, Timi decides to take matters into his own hands since God won’t. He kills Baby Fire and sets Baby Fire’s house on fire to cover his tracks. He then abandons the clergy life, closes down the church, and tries to kill himself in many ways 鈥� including drinking a jumbo-sized tub of bleach.

None of the suicide attempts work because God doesn’t want him dead yet (?) Anyway, decades pass, and Timi has aged into a whole other actor.

For those who don’t know, “The Legend of Gatuso” is an unintentionally hilarious and terribly made Nollywood rip-off “Avatar: The Last Airbender.” How THEE Wale Ojo ended up in it will always be one of life’s greatest mysteries. Here’s the movie’s poster.

Look at him posing! Sjdjdhfsjkhfdjhs!

Let’s get back to “Breath of Life.”

Timi has become a grumpy, impatient recluse who’s looking to hire a house manager but can’t stop, won’t stop shooting at the applicants when they annoy him.

Elijah (Chimezie Imo), the movie’s narrator and fresh-eyed Jesus baby, sashays into the movie’s plot. Elijah is here to apply for the position of House Manager and wanders into the house without knocking. Timi asks who the hell Elijah is, triggering Elijah’s asthma.

After a Looney Tunes-style sequence where Timi hires Elijah on the spot and proceeds to make Elijah fry eggs a hundred times until he gets it the way Timi likes, Elijah decides to start a weekly bible study group at the old abandoned church. He knows Timi hates everything related to God and religion, so he holds the bible study during Timi’s siesta times. While sharing flyers at the local hospital to raise awareness for the bible study, he spots a volunteer nurse named Anna (Geneveva Umeh). You can guess what happens next.

Eager to get Anna’s attention but knowing he has no rizz, Elijah emotionally manipulates the hospital’s patients into getting Anna to attend bible study. It works, and Anna shows up at the church after one of the meetings to talk to him. When he tries to reply to her, this happens.

He has his inhaler with him, though, so all’s good. They bond as he walks her home, and they pretty much start dating. Months pass, and they’re at the point where they’re doing this during bible study meetings:

Things are going well until Timi finds out Elijah has been having bible studies behind his back.

Timi threatens to fire Elijah. Elijah begs, and Timi changes his mind. A lot of nothing happens. There’s a touching scene where Timi watches old home movies starring his now-dead wife and daughter. Things take a turn for the unintentionally hilarious when young Timi shows up in a frame of the home movie he’s watching, holding the camera that’s supposed to be recording the film.

At some point, Timi and Elijah bond over reading.

Meanwhile, Anna decides that she MUST meet Timi for some reason. Against Elijah’s wishes, Anna shows up at Timi’s house. Timi has no idea who she is and is like:

Anna refuses to take no for an answer and knocks again. This time, Timi comes out with a gun, causing her to fall like a horror movie final girl and cut her leg. He takes pity on her and brings her in to treat her wound. Elijah returns from a grocery run to see this and dramatically drops a crate of eggs. Anna begins coming to the house more, and Timi is first upset by it.

Then just doesn’t give a shit.

Anna invites Elijah to meet her RICH ASS parents. Her mother, Mrs Okonkwo (Ashionye Michelle-Raccah), is sweet and welcoming but becomes uncomfortable when she finds out that Elijah is the one running the town bible study. We soon find out why when Anna’s father, Mr Okonkwo (Sam Dede), comes in and turns out to be a guy who wants to buy the church to tear it down and build a hotel. Mr Okonkwo asks Elijah to get out of his house. Elijah discovers that to save the church, he has to come up with N49 million.

Yes, this movie has suddenly become a “we have to raise money to save the rec centre ” type of thing. Anna tries to get Mr Timi to pay the money in the most entitled way possible.

Timi comes up with a way for them to save the church. It has something to do with colonial land rights. I don’t know. You think the movie is about to end when Elijah has another asthma attack, just as he and Anna are about to bump genitals.

Elijah is taken to the hospital, and it’s revealed that what he thought was asthma was actually his lungs failing. To survive, he’ll need lung transplants. Timi and Anna sit over a plate of unseasoned eggs to cry.

Then Timi decides to legally adopt Elijah, also willing his fortune and donating his mutant lungs to him. He decides that this is the reason God didn’t let him die from his suicide attempts.

The lung transplant is successful, and this happens:

Elijah reopens the church and marries Anna. And the movie ends with him taking his new lungs for a spin.

THE END

At the peak of the chaos, Tacha and Omashola had their famous fight in Biggie鈥檚 house, and viral music producer and content creator, Lord Sky, flipped the video clip to audio, laid it on an Ogene beat and turned into a banging mp3.

In 2020, Omashola, Tacha and Lord Sky brought some more housemates and friends together to do a music video for what Lord Sky had made. Money that could鈥檝e been spent on COVID-19 palliatives for the poor was lavished on an abuse fest movie.

Lord Sky owned the song; Omashola and Tacha were just sample characters on the beat. So how did it get credited asOmashola’s song featuring others?

P.S: “Chiwawa” is the song title and it鈥檚 just Nigerian for 鈥淐hihuahua鈥�.

Anyway.

If you didn鈥檛 already know you shouldn鈥檛 take this song seriously, you鈥檇 know from the beginning of the video.

Do I even need to say why?

I can’t tell if this is a high court or a circus. But they’re in a court of law. Are the balls on the judge鈥檚 table there to signify that 鈥渢he ball is in his court鈥� regardless of who’s actually guilty?

Instead of a mock dock, maybe Omashola should be in an actual court to answer for all he litters his socials with.

Don’t even get me started on the fake Navy officer who can’t tell a court setting from the air force. Or this restless court clerk.

Then comes Lord Sky. We know he was the producer, but why is he cooking in a court? He even brought his piano and Yamaha H8 studio monitors along. Why?

The song finally starts playing as Omashola and Tacha take their oaths. And we see that the video casts Nasty Black as a lawyer, only he鈥檚 holding a goat.

I’m not really surprised to see a goat in court because only stubborn people get dragged there anyway. 

Next, someone strolls a Chihuahua dog to the front. Confusion gets me for two seconds, then it becomes clear. Remember the animals Omashola and Tacha called each other during their classic fight back then? They鈥檙e about to have a refight through an actual goat AKA Lil Sholzy, and Chihuahua AKA Little P Bites.

Little P Bites can fight.

The court audience is shouting, but it鈥檚 not clear if they鈥檙e rooting for any of these fighters.

Tacha, a defendant in the dock, is quietly thinking what in the fooling is going on. Omashola, a co-defendant obviously not conforming to court rules, is the one taking centre stage and causing drama. 

Screams of 鈥淏arking dog, Chihuahua, nkiti, nzobu and anofia鈥� mix smoothly with Lord Sky鈥檚 beat banging in the background.

A human fight breaks out finally as lawyer Nasty Black puts his finger in the presiding judge鈥檚 eyes while his client, Lil Sholzy, sprays documents in the air. 

Tacha’s calmness ends, and “She-goat, Chihuahua, anofia” is thrown left and right.

Some of the audience are only there for the entertainment and are getting what they come for. While others focus on their female counterparts, ignoring the foolery around them.

In the midst of the chaos, a dance talent show breaks out. Three guys in shine-shine clothing do a funny routine. Nasty Black and the reigning face of misogyny, Seyi Awolowo, join in.

Female dancers aren鈥檛 left out.

The judge joins the circus.

Lord Skye knows the abuse fest won’t end until he calls his guys to set-up to entertain with music.

When Lord Skye begins playing, the spirit of unity falls on everybody. Fight ceases, and they all become cordial.

Lil Sholzy finally escapes and Nasty Black runs after it.

Tacha and Omashola give each other a hi-five and become best friends forever.

The video ends with a message on the screen as Omashola admonishes Little P Bites to stop tensioning Lil Sholzy.

I want to use this medium to thank Lord Skye for being an incredible pacifier, even though he cooked the video clips into a viral hit in the first place.

Thanks to the fighters, Tacha and Omashola, too. Finally, the two adults can rest from calling the names of animals in English and local tongues.

Okay, enough reaching for today.