Childhood friends Korede* (41) and Derin* (37) grew up on the same street in Lagos. On this week’s Love Life, they talk about losing touch for years, finding each other again at the wrong time, and the long, complicated road it took to finally be together.

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What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Korede: That’s a hard one because we go so far back. We grew up on the same street in Surulere and attended the same primary and secondary school. So there isn’t one particular memory; she was always in the picture. What I can say is that when her family eventually moved away in 2003, I really felt her absence. I didn鈥檛 realise how much I loved having her around until she left.

Derin: I feel the same way. I don鈥檛 think there鈥檚 any single first memory I can recall. We were childhood friends who grew up together and did everything together.  We were present in each other鈥檚 lives; we had the same friends, and our families knew each other. But yeah, we had to move at some point, and that was really painful. I couldn鈥檛 imagine leaving my friends, my childhood home, and everything I鈥檇 grown up with.

Left to me, I鈥檇 have stayed back and lived with any kind neighbour who would have taken me in. But I also knew it was impossible.

What happened after her family moved, Korede? Did you keep in touch?

Korede: We lost contact for a really long time. Both of us were too young to own phones. However, when Facebook came out, I tried to find her online, but her name was so common that I kept connecting with the wrong person. It was frustrating. I would think I’d found her, only to realise it was someone else entirely. I eventually gave up.

Derin: I actually never forgot Korede. He was that one childhood friend I always wanted to see again. But I didn’t really search the way he did. Life moved very fast for me after we relocated. There was school, there was adjusting to a new place, and then I lost my dad. I barely had time to waste at the cybercaf茅. My friends at school talked about Facebook, MySpace, and the rest, but I was too busy to spare the time. Plus, my mum got extra strict after we lost my dad. 

Right. So at what point did you guys reconnect? 

Korede: 2010. Funny enough, it happened on Facebook. I was scrolling one evening when her name came up as a friend suggestion. I almost kept scrolling, but something made me stop and click on the profile picture. She had changed a lot, but the face was unmistakable. I sent a message, and she responded, and that was it. We finally heard from each other again after seven long years of silence.

Derin: I was genuinely happy when he reached out. We spent the next few weeks talking almost every day, catching up on everything we had missed. It felt like no real time had passed. 

So was it purely catching up, or was there something more there?

Korede: For me, there was always something more. But I guess I never brought it up earlier because I felt we were still too young. I just always assumed she鈥檇 always be there. But then they moved, and that was when I really started to realise that I liked her more than normal. 

After we reconnected, I hoped she would be single. But I found out she was married, had one child and was expecting another. I was really disappointed. I wanted to ask so many questions because she was just 21, and I couldn鈥檛 understand why she was already married. But I controlled myself. At the time, it wasn鈥檛 uncommon for women to marry early. Still, I couldn鈥檛 hide how I felt.

Derin: I sensed his disappointment even though he acknowledged it directly. And I understood why. But that was my reality at the time, and I couldn鈥檛 do much to change it.

I didn鈥檛 want the marriage itself, especially not so early. But my dad鈥檚 demise really disrupted our family. And as the first child, there was a lot of pressure from my mum. She really wanted me to get settled quickly.  When someone came along, it didn鈥檛 take long to get things in motion. I barely had much to say on the matter. I also didn鈥檛 really even know much about Korede鈥檚 feelings at the time. Even if I did, there wasn鈥檛 much we could do. 

I see. So I鈥檓 guessing you guys just maintained a friendship? 

Derin: That was mostly it. We saw each other occasionally. If one of us had a party or a gathering, we would invite the other. But it stayed like that for a while. Then, around the third time we met in person, I confided in him about my marriage 鈥�  how I didn鈥檛 really feel genuine love from my husband. He wasn’t cruel or anything like that, but there was no warmth between us. We were ages apart, so our views were completely different. I told him how  I鈥檇 once considered just running away and starting life somewhere else. I also complained about how my mum had gone from loving and caring to someone who just wanted to use me as a means to an end.

I think I opened up to Korede that day because I felt safe confiding in him. He knew me from my childhood, before I became anyone’s wife or mum. 

Korede: It broke my heart to hear it. Derin had always been one of the most alive people I knew growing up; bright, sharp, full of energy. The experience she was having was so far from what I would have imagined for her. But there was nothing I could do except be a friend. So that’s what I focused on.

What was your love life like around this period, Korede?

Korede: It was barely existent. I had female friends from university, but nothing solid. And the fault is mostly mine. In a way, I always felt I had to reach a certain financial point before I could approach a girl. And since I was still hustling my way, I didn鈥檛 want to be spending the little I had on romantic ventures that wouldn鈥檛 lead anywhere. 

Still, I had people I had casual sex with, and we kept it moving. But there wasn鈥檛 anything serious. 

Fair enough. And how did your relationship with Derin progress over time?

Korede: We just continued as friends. Although I won鈥檛 lie, it felt weird knowing she was married. But I didn鈥檛 let that get to me because she didn鈥檛 make it her personality. I could still crack jokes with her like the old times. I remember another friend who got married and said I couldn鈥檛 call her by name again because it was disrespectful. Derin was nothing like that. She even stopped me from calling her by her firstborn鈥檚 name.

Then, in 2012, she told me she was trying to go back to school and asked for my help. I was more than happy to give it. She wanted to go to UNILAG, and I pulled some strings with some of my old lecturers. But that鈥檚 when her husband got involved.

Derin: I didn鈥檛 really mention Korede the whole time because I felt it wasn鈥檛 necessary. But when the school thing happened, it became necessary. So I invited Korede to our house and told my husband he was the one helping me with the admission process. He seemed genuinely thankful, and I thought that was all there was to it. 

But after a while,  he became convinced something was going on between us. He showed up at my school unannounced one day, and because Korede was there, he flared up. The whole thing got blown out of proportion. He involved both our families, and I felt really stupid defending my friendship.

Korede: At first, I was even trying to act all defensive. But the moment the family was involved, I could tell it was no longer a trivial matter. So I stepped back completely. I was also preparing to relocate to Abuja, which made the decision easier. We didn鈥檛 keep in contact for a few years after I moved. Then I heard the worst news in 2014.

What happened?

Korede: A family friend who was visiting in Abuja told me that her husband passed. I immediately felt bad for her. Someone so young with two kids losing her husband that early? I wouldn鈥檛 even wish that on my worst enemy. That same week, I reached out to Derin to offer my condolences.

Derin: To be honest, he had crossed my mind a few times, and I wanted to reach out. But I didn鈥檛 want to cause any problems. I also wanted to tell him when my husband died, but I guess I never got around to it. So when he called, I was really glad. We spent more time catching up on the last few years again, and then I invited him to the funeral. 

Oh. Was that a good call, considering the history?

Derin: I wasn鈥檛 even thinking about that when I extended the invitation. I just needed to see another face other than my in-laws and my own family. They were extremely annoying during that period. I also knew that despite the accusations, there was nothing between us. 

Korede: I attended the funeral just to show up for a friend, and it was definitely the wrong call. Her mother, who used to be fond of me when we lived in the same area, barely acknowledged my presence or greetings. The atmosphere was cold, and I could feel people pointing fingers at me. Immediately, I sensed what was happening, and I knew it was best to keep my distance from Derin. I only came to show up for her as a friend. But the optics were really bad.

Derin: I can still remember the looks. It was as if everyone decided I was already moving on because I brought a man to my husband’s funeral. 

Like he said, we didn鈥檛 really talk that day. Even though it had been almost three years since we last saw each other in person. After he left, I remember sending a thank-you note and not really keeping in touch afterwards. 

Curious, what was that period like for you, Derin?

Derin: Very difficult, I can鈥檛 even lie. My husband and I weren鈥檛 exactly the best lovers, but having him around gave me a sense of security. I didn鈥檛 have to think too much about finances or anything like that. But suddenly, it was just the kids and me. 

Everyone around me also had a clear idea of what my life should look like from that point forward. My mother was extremely unbearable. She would tell me regularly to face my children, that they were my husband now. What did that even mean?

But even though I hated hearing it from people, my kids were really my priority at the time. I didn鈥檛 have time for much else.

And did you still keep your distance during this period, Korede? 

Korede: We never fully stopped communicating. There were stretches where we spoke often and stretches where everyone just went about their own business. But she was always somewhere in my mind. 

I鈥檇 also been engaged to someone else, but things didn鈥檛 work out. I didn鈥檛 tell Derin about the engagement, but we got closer again after the lady and I went our separate ways. Of course, it was mostly on the phone. I was in Abuja, and she was still in Lagos. Over time, I started to admit to myself that my feelings for her were still very much alive. But considering her situation, I didn鈥檛 know how to bring it up. So I just kept on being in touch and didn鈥檛 say much.

Derin: I noticed. He became more consistent and intentional about reaching out. We would talk about life, the things we鈥檇 both been through and how we were still in each other鈥檚 lives. Over time, we got comfortable enough to start actually being truthful about how we felt with each other. He would say things like, “He should have been the father of my two kids,” and so on. After a while, we started a long-distance courtship.

How long after your husband鈥檚 demise was this, and were your family aware?

Derin: I think this was around 2016. My mother was firmly against it. She said it was too early.  My late husband’s family was also still deeply involved; they came around regularly for the kids, and always wanted to be in my business. The idea of me seeing another man felt like a betrayal to them. 

Korede: My family also had their own concerns once I told them. They knew and liked Derin as a person. But they worried about what starting a life with someone who already had two children, with a late husband’s family still actively in the picture, would mean for me. 

Right. How did you manage all of that?

Korede: We tried to lay low for a while and just keep doing our thing. I came to Lagos a few times, and we met up, but those few times, Derin didn鈥檛 really feel comfortable. She was constantly worried, as if she didn鈥檛 want us seen publicly. 

It was annoying but also understandable. The pressure from every side also made it very difficult to hold on. My parents didn鈥檛 even always want me to mention her; she was also on and off. She could go weeks not picking up my calls, and when she finally does, it鈥檚 to complain about something her in-laws did. Eventually, I got tired of the whole thing and we agreed to step back and give each other space.

Derin: Honestly, it was the right call even though it hurt. No matter how we tried, the relationship couldn’t grow under the conditions we were dealt with. The beautiful thing about all this is that, even when we agreed to step back, it was from the relationship and not the friendship. We still called each other once in a while, but it wasn鈥檛 like it used to be.

Korede: During that period, I also reunited with my ex-fianc茅e, who had broken off our engagement. We tried again, and things went better this time, and we even had a child together. But the relationship didn’t survive. It ended after three years, and I was left as a single father raising a child on my own. That period really made me think about Derin. Because I kept imagining how she was able to raise two kids on her own and pursue a university degree while doing so. It was no small feat.

Was this when he reached out again, Derin?

Derin: Yes, he told me his relationship had ended and that she had left their child alone. 

Then, in that same year, my mother-in-law passed. Then my own mother, not long after. I know it sounds strange to say, but something changed when they died. Those had been the two loudest voices opposing our relationship. With them gone, things changed rapidly. 

Korede: We started talking again, and by 2023, we had found our rhythm again. My parents didn鈥檛 have much choice but to support me this time around, seeing as my last relationship went.

We鈥檝e spent the last couple of years just building our lives and our relationship.

Derin: I moved to Abuja in early 2024. We are not living together yet. But being in the same city makes it feel like we鈥檙e actually in each other鈥檚 lives for real. Unlike when it was mostly phone calls and rushed weekend trips. Abuja also gives us privacy to just be ourselves and figure out our lives without people judging us or dictating what we can or cannot do. 

Considering everything you’ve both been through, what鈥檚 the best thing about what you have with each other?

Korede: Derin knows me. We started so long ago that the foundation is already there. You can’t manufacture the kind of bond we share. There鈥檚 genuine friendship that spans decades, and then there鈥檚 the love we share for each other. I truly think she鈥檚 my soul mate. 

Derin: He sees me as someone with a future, not just a past. After years of feeling defined by my losses 鈥� my father, my marriage, my husband 鈥� Korede looks at me and sees someone who still has somewhere to go. He doesn’t look at my children like they are burdens or treat me like someone who should be loved out of pity. I鈥檓 truly blessed to have him in my life.  

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Korede: 8. We鈥檙e still building our relationship, and I believe we鈥檙e still writing our stories.

Derin: I鈥檇 give it a 9. I鈥檓 saving the 10 for when we become husband and wife in the real sense of it.

 *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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Fade* (35) and Gbenro* (38) met in 2017 after Gbenro relocated from Ekiti to Lagos. 

On this week’s Love Life, they talk about their fast-moving love story, how their marriage struggled after they let a stranger into their home, and why they鈥檙e still committed after almost a decade together.

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What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Gbenro: I met Fade in 2017 at my aunty鈥檚 place. She had been teasing me for a while about this fine girl in Lagos she wanted to introduce me to. I had just relocated from Ekiti, and I barely knew anyone in the city. She was like a big sister to me, so I trusted her judgment. The day we finally met, I liked Fade immediately. She was really cheerful and didn鈥檛 give room for any awkwardness.

That same day, we went to the cinema and afterwards had pepper soup at a spot in Ojuelegba. I didn’t say anything to her that day, but I already knew I liked her and wouldn鈥檛 mind pursuing something serious.

Fade: That same aunty was like a big sister to me, too, and she had also been teasing me about introducing me to someone. I was open to it because I naturally make friends easily. 

When we met, I also found him easy to be around from the start. He seemed level-headed, kind and funny. I can鈥檛 lie, it was a good first outing. I think I was actually shocked that his aunty was right about everything she had said about him. It wasn鈥檛 the first time one of my mum鈥檚 friends had tried to matchmake me with someone, and I was always disappointed. But with Gbenro, it was an instant hit.

Right. I鈥檓 guessing you were both single at the time?

Fade: Yes, I was. I had deliberately kept things platonic with the guys around me for about a year.聽My boyfriend of three years had relocated and ended things; I was healing from that and wasn鈥檛 looking for anything serious.

I was just open to meeting new people.

Gbenro: I was also single and feeling behind in my dating life. I had always wanted to marry young, but God had other plans for me. I just had a lot of delays鈥� school, NYSC, landing a job, and finding my feet. It was the same with my love life. A lot of my friends had gotten married and started having kids, and in a way, I felt like my clock was ticking. That was why I was really keen on meeting this person my aunty had been raving about.

So when I met Fade, and liked what I saw, I knew I wanted to be intentional about her.

Sweet. So what happened after that first outing?

Gbenro: We became close very quickly. I was still trying to settle into Lagos life, and Fade was happy to show me around. She always had somewhere to go, a food spot to try, or friends to visit. I was a proper JJC, and she made the city feel like home.

After three months, I asked her out. It felt like the natural next step for me. I had grown fond of her, and I knew what I wanted. I asked, and she said yes.

Fade: I had grown fond of him, too. He’d shown me who he was over those three months and I liked what I saw. 

As he said, everything felt so natural between us and dating just felt like the next step. I鈥檇 also spent time away from relationships because I knew I wanted to go the long haul with whoever I dated next. As soon as I was sure it was Gbenro, I went with it. I also prayed about it, and something in my spirit assured me it was the right decision.

And how were the early days of the relationship?

Fade: Really smooth. There was a solid friendship underneath everything from the start. We had the same values, enjoyed each other’s company, went out a lot, and explored the city together. Things just felt easy in a way that surprised both of us. In those early days, Gbenro would always joke about how we hadn鈥檛 gotten in a fight or something, and I鈥檇 tell him to be careful what he wished for. 

Gbenro: That part is so funny. I remember having a talk with my brother, and he couldn鈥檛 understand why I was bothered that I was enjoying a stress-free relationship. 

But yeah, barely a year in, I started thinking about marriage. I brought it up with  Fade, and that was the first time I sensed some form of hesitation from her.

Fade: The marriage part scared me. Yes, he was kind, funny, level-headed, and financially stable, but things were moving fast. We had only been together a year, and marriage felt like a huge commitment to be making so soon.聽

I almost backed out entirely.

But you stayed

Fade: Gbenro was very patient. He didn’t rush me or make me feel pressured. He just kept reassuring me and being exactly the person he had been from the first day. Plus, our families and friends had gotten involved by then, and everyone was so encouraging. 

I looked at everything and decided to put it all in God鈥檚 hands. Usually, when I want to make serious life decisions, I always embark on a dry fast and I鈥檇 usually get my sign. I got my sign about a month later, and that was when I gave Gbenro my answer. Of course, I told him to wait for my answer first before a public proposal or anything like that. We got married the following year. 

Curious, Gbenro. Did her hesitation worry you?

Gbenro: Not really. I understood where she was coming from; a year is too soon to start discussing marriage with someone. But I also don鈥檛 think there鈥檚 any point wasting time when two people know what they want. We were both clear on what we wanted at the time. I guess I just needed to push more and offer more reassurance. And that was a little price to pay. 

Nice. So how did things progress over time, especially after the wedding?

Fade: Really sweet at first. We were in the honeymoon phase, and it lasted a while. But then, it was all cut short when I got pregnant almost immediately. And with the pregnancy came a severe illness. It started as morning sickness, then it got worse. I could barely get through a day. Eating was a struggle; keeping anything down was a struggle. I was constantly taking breaks from work, and even at home, I couldn’t be left alone for too long.

Gbenro: I know she remembers the beautiful part, but I still think of that time as an extremely difficult period.  I wanted us to get over having kids as soon as possible, but I definitely wasn鈥檛 thinking about starting in our first year of marriage. At first, I wanted to suggest an abortion until we were fully ready, but I saw how sick she was, and I didn鈥檛 want us to take the risk.

I spent the bulk of my time at work worrying about what was happening at home. My siblings were back in Ekiti, and her siblings were still in school, so there was nobody readily available to be with her. I think her mum was also sick at the time, so she couldn鈥檛 really help. Eventually, my aunty sat us down and suggested we hire a domestic help. 

Oh

Gbenro: I resisted the idea at first. I鈥檇 heard ugly stories, plus it wasn’t something either of us had imagined as part of our early marriage. But Fade’s situation made it unavoidable. She needed someone present during the hours I was away. Also, since the person was coming from my aunty, we felt we could trust her. My aunty always had maids, and I鈥檇 never heard her complain. So I knew she had a way with them. 

Fade: And honestly, the first person we got was wonderful. She was kind, reliable, hardworking and very easy to have in the home. It felt like having around, and I felt stupid for a while for even kicking against the idea in the first place. 

But then, she travelled home for Christmas that year and simply never returned. At first, we thought she was spending extra time with her family, but after about a week, we tried to reach her. But she was unreachable. Eventually, Gbenro鈥檚 aunty told us to move on. She said some of them can be like that. They only come to Lagos to work for a while and reunite with their family after saving up.

I was already very close to my delivery date at that point, and that was when I needed help the most. Luckily, Gbenro鈥檚 found another person for us. She also seemed really sweet, hardworking, and genuinely eager to help. At that point, you couldn鈥檛 tell me anything about domestic staff because I only had good experiences. But we were in for a long ride with the second lady. 

Why? What happened

Gbenro: After a while, I started noticing things. Whenever Fade went to the hospital for appointments, and I was home, this girl’s whole energy changed. She became overly attentive, hovering around me and finding reasons to be in whatever room I was in. The moment Fade came back, she would return to normal. At first, I told myself I was imagining things. I didn’t want to create a problem where there wasn’t one. So I ignored it and carried on.

Fast forward a few months, Fade鈥檚 hospital trip had reduced significantly, and she was always home. We鈥檇 also welcomed our child, and Fade barely had time to attend to me. So our help dialled up on the niceness again. Except this time, I didn鈥檛 really complain because, between trying to get her old self back and nursing our newborn, Fade didn鈥檛 really have time for me.

Fade: I didn’t see anything unusual in her behaviour at first. To me, she was simply good at her job, and I was grateful for that. But I soon noticed that Gbenro was changing.

He always had one complaint when I was handling something, especially food. He鈥檇 say I shouldn鈥檛 stress because she could handle it. He also stopped coming to me when he couldn’t find clothes or items around the house; he would call for her first without even thinking to check with me. That started to bother me, although I didn鈥檛 really know what it was yet.

Did you say anything to him?

Fade: I raised it with him a few times, and each time he dismissed it. He said I was overwhelmed with the new baby and reading too much into things. He reminded me that the whole reason we hired help was to reduce my stress, and I shouldn’t be looking for problems. I let it go because he seemed so sure. But I just couldn鈥檛 shake the feeling that something felt weird. To make it worse, we started having disagreements that turned into real fights, all of it in front of our maid. 

Gbenro: I guess in retrospect, I can see things more clearly. But at the time, I wasn’t connecting the dots. I was chalking all the small arguments and growing distance between us to the stress of a new baby and the adjustment to early marriage. 

So at what point did you realise there was a problem?

Fade: My mum visited us and opened my eyes to things I鈥檇 been ignoring. At some point, she took me aside very quietly and got into a lengthy lecture about how I had to wake up. She first insisted that I should do the cooking for my husband and serve, then the maid could do everything else. She also restricted the maid from coming into our main bedroom. At first, I thought she was being dramatic, but I couldn鈥檛 even argue. Those were things I did gleefully for my husband, and they strengthened our bond in a way, but between pregnancy and motherhood, and someone who could take the stress off, I鈥檇 gotten too comfortable. 

After my mum left, I started watching more carefully. Things I had been too exhausted or too distracted to do before, I started doing. Then, I think the following month, I told Gbenro she had to leave.

Gbenro: That was not a smooth conversation at all. I pushed back hard. I kept saying she was efficient, that we still needed the help, and that Fade was being unreasonable. I made excuse after excuse for that girl to stay. In hindsight, I can see exactly how that must have looked and felt to my wife. Although at the time I thought I was just thinking practically.

Fade: His resistance troubled me more than anything the maid herself had done. But eventually, she left. Gbenro realised how serious I was. 

Did things get better between you guys after she left?

Fade: We stabilised a bit. Things calmed down, and we were finding our footing again. Then I got pregnant a second time, and the illness came back just as severely as before. Then Gbenro, without my knowledge, brought the maid back.

I almost went mad. Not just because he had brought her back, I could have perhaps understood that given how ill I was. What I could not get past was that he was in touch with her. 

I kept asking him why, and he couldn’t give me a clear answer. He got defensive and accused me of saying he had cheated. That made things worse because that wasn’t even the core of my question. My question was why he felt the need to keep in touch at all. The tension in the house during that period was something I don’t have proper words for. 

Gbenro: In a way, we can laugh about this thing now, but it wasn鈥檛 funny then. I was defensive because I felt cornered. Like, I knew how much trouble we went through before we found a maid, and this was someone we knew. She worked well with our son; we could trust her. When I called and asked if she was available, she said she was. So why bring a random stranger to the house when we could already trust someone with our child? But Fade didn鈥檛 see it that way. About a month later, the girl left. She said she couldn’t handle the hostility in the house.聽

Fade: By that time, Gbenro and I weren鈥檛 even seeing eye to eye. 

Must have been tough. How did you get through it?

Fade: I think for me, it got to a point where I felt like the whole thing was a spiritual attack on our marriage.  So I became very intentional about prayer in a way I hadn’t been before. I believe we survived it by the grace of God. I don’t say that casually. 

Gbenro: Beyond the spiritual 鈥� and I agree with Fade on that 鈥� we also had to make an active choice to stay and do the work. We had hard conversations and had to start rebuilding our love from there.

And the maid situation, did you ever hire help again?

Gbenro: Never again. It has been over five years now, and we have kept to that. If we ever need support, we rely on relatives.

Fade: That鈥檚 something we鈥檝e both agreed on. I know some people hear that and think we are being extreme. But we know what we went through and who we are. That decision protects our home and we are both at peace with it. 

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Gbenro: 9. We’ve been through enough to know what we have is real. The one point is a reminder that we can still get even better.

Fade: I鈥檒l give us 8.5. Any marriage that鈥檚 still standing after almost a decade means there鈥檚 something worth fighting for.  

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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Komi (31) and Layo (30) met at the University of Ibadan in January 2013.

On this week’s Love Life, they talk about getting pregnant in their third year together, being forced into marriage by their parents, losing their first baby, and building a life while navigating judgement and early parenthood.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this聽.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Komi: I met Layo at the University of Ibadan in January 2013. I was heading to the park to board a taxi when I spotted my friend, Suliat, with a group of girls. I immediately noticed Layo; she was light-skinned, pretty, and had nice hips. So, I called Suliat over and asked for an intro but she didn’t take me seriously. She said Layo isn鈥檛 someone I could mess around with just for the sake of it.

I eventually approached Layo and asked for her number. She hesitated before she gave in. When I tried calling her later, it didn鈥檛 connect. I thought she’d given me a fake number. But I kept trying, and it eventually went through.  That鈥檚 how our story started.

Layo: I remember that day clearly. We were returning home after a long class when we ran into Komi. I noticed him staring at me intensely and cracking jokes. In my head, I thought, “Who’s this clown?”

Then he asked for my number, and I said no at first. But he was really funny and down-to-earth, so I gave in. I told him I wasn’t interested in any relationship, just friendship. I’d just gotten out of one and wanted to focus on school.

Still, when we returned to the hostel, I asked Suliat about Komi, and she had only good things to say.

Komi, were you single at the time?

Komi: Before UI, I had done  my A-levels at The Polytechnic, Ibadan, and I was really into girls back then.

There was one I had kind of an undefined thing with. She still came around after I got into U.I, but I鈥檇 moved on from that polytechnic phase. I only wanted to focus on U.I girls. Funny enough, I was actually seeing her off to the taxi park the day I first saw Layo. The babe eventually relocated to the US, which gave me a clean shot at chasing Layo.

Right. What happened next?

Layo: Komi asked me out on a date, but I turned him down at first. He pestered Suliat to talk to me until I agreed.

We took a walk to the Love Garden, a park inside U.I,  and spent time getting to know each other. We both discovered our love for music, and that was our strongest connection.

Komi: That first date was very special because it showed me how much I wanted to spend time with Layo. We listened to music the whole time. Afterwards, I was restless and couldn’t stop thinking of her.

I had to ask myself if I wanted a friendship or something more.

When we met later that week, we took another walk. On the way back, I asked her to be my girlfriend. She broke into laughter and told me I was joking. But I was determined to show how serious I was, so I sat on the floor and said I wouldn鈥檛 stand up until she said yes.

Layo: I was so mortified. My mum worked at the university, and Komi’s display wasn鈥檛 far from her office. He pulled this in broad daylight.

But a part of me felt that if he could go through that level of embarrassment just to get me, he deserved a chance. The chemistry was there, and it was a shot worth taking.

What were the early days of the relationship like?

Komi: They were sweet days. I was 18 and a virgin. Because of my religious background, I intended to remain a virgin until marriage. Layo was the same. So we didn’t explore things physically. It was more about building a really strong friendship as lovers. We were obsessed with music, and we spent most of our time enjoying it. At some point, she also started making my meals when she found out I had an ulcer.

Layo: I fell in love with Komi because of how much he decentered the physical side of romantic love that other guys obsessed over. With him, it was all about building pure friendship. He didn’t obsess over my body, and that made me fall deeper.

My first boyfriend was more interested in the physical, but I couldn’t give him that. Just like Komi, I come from a strong religious background. My parents are pastors. So it felt good getting exactly what I needed from Komi: pure, genuine friendship.

Komi: During this period, I had a 鈥� bad guy鈥� reputation in school. I was the face of my faculty and was always around women, an “ashewo boy” so to speak. So seeing Layo, a nerdy girl from the faculty of basic medical science, choose me felt strange to people. They wondered why she was with me, but those same people didn’t know it was all a facade. Behind the scenes, I was someone else who found peace and comfort in Layo.

Layo: Everyone around me monitored Komi, almost like they wanted an “I told you so” moment. But Komi and I knew he was nothing like the guy who made sexual jokes or couldn’t draw the line. That was all for show.

I see. How did things progress romantically?

Layo: We got intimate in the third year of our relationship, and that was another level of getting to know each other.

Komi: I was Mr UI and had my own private room, so we made out a lot. We couldn’t get enough of each other physically. Toward the end of our third year together, we decided to have sex. We were both clueless, but we went with it anyway. After sex, there was bleeding, but we assumed that was normal, probably from her hymen. However, the bleeding didn’t stop.

Layo: My cervix tore, and I ended up at the school clinic the next day. I was so clueless that I had to call my aunt about the bleeding. I thought sex had triggered my period, but she said if it didn鈥檛 stop after a day, I should go to the hospital. The crazy part is she told us to try having sex again, and we did. That was when the bleeding became severe.

Komi: I was terrified because Layo is an only child. The school clinic couldn鈥檛 handle it, so they referred her to another hospital. At that point, we had to involve her parents. I went to see her, but I was too scared to go inside. I just stood at a distance watching her parents pace around while she went in for surgery.  I eventually had to tell my parents, too.

Layo called me the next day after surgery, and I was so relieved. I rushed to the hospital without thinking about her parents, and her dad and godfather tried to rough me up. I apologised, and that was basically it.

Did you guys try to have sex again?

Layo: Not immediately. We took a break from physical intimacy for months, but not from each other.

Fast forward to December 2016, when Komi was turning 21, and we tried again. He was in a bad mood because his dad reneged on a promise to throw him a 21st birthday party. So I visited with gifts to cheer him up. We got intimate, but couldn’t even finish because someone interrupted us. But we were in for another long ride.

What happened?

Komi: We went on a break shortly after, and I started rethinking everything, including the relationship.  I wanted to chase new dreams: Mr Nigeria, Big Brother Naija, MTV Base VJ Search. I loved Layo, but I also wanted to prioritise myself.

Then on January 11, 2016, Layo called to tell me she was pregnant. It felt like my world was crashing, and I immediately started searching for ethical ways to abort.

Layo: I remember checking my account balance to see if I had enough money to run away. My father is an Ijesha man, so there was no way I was bringing home a child out of wedlock.

We tried everything: salt, vitamin C, extreme exercise, every low-effort method we鈥檇 heard could end a pregnancy. Nothing worked. Komi suggested telling my dad, but I shut it down immediately. I asked if if hee had a death wish.

I dreamt that the pregnancy didn鈥檛 survive, so we returned to school and carried on like normal.

Around March, I was climbing the stairs to my hostel when I suddenly felt a gush of blood and water. I was excited because I thought everything we鈥檇 tried had finally worked. I went to an off-campus hospital for an evacuation, but the doctor told me the baby was perfectly healthy. They referred me back to the school clinic, and that was how my mum found out.

Komi: Both our mums were devastated. They didn鈥檛 know how to tell our fathers. I remember watching my mum cry. I鈥檇 done stupid things before, but this was the first time I鈥檇 pushed her to tears.

Layo: When my dad found out, he wanted an abortion immediately, but my mum told him it was too late. I鈥檇 already finished my first trimester. That really broke him.

What happened with your parents, Komi?

Komi: My parents came to my hostel the next day, and we all drove to Layo鈥檚 house. The night before, I鈥檇 sent my parents a long message saying I was running away because I鈥檇 failed them, but nobody addressed it. When we got to Layo鈥檚 house, the atmosphere was tense. I sat beside her but couldn鈥檛 even look at her. I felt completely overwhelmed, like I鈥檇 ruined her life.

As we sat there quietly, our parents talked. Out of nowhere, my dad suggested marriage. I objected immediately. I鈥檇 already applied for Mr Nigeria and listed myself as single because it was part of the criteria. I was training hard, building my body and planning my future. Marriage wasn鈥檛 part of the plan. My dad nearly punched me, and that was when I realised how angry he really was.

Then Layo held my hand and said, 鈥淜omi, don鈥檛 leave me alone in this.鈥�

That changed something in me instantly. Until then, I鈥檇 been thinking about everything I was losing. But in that moment, I realised she was carrying the weight too. I stopped thinking, 鈥淚鈥檝e ruined your life,鈥� and started thinking, 鈥淲e鈥檙e in this together.鈥�

Right there in front of us, our parents started planning the wedding. And not a small one either. They wanted a full party.

Layo: I’m an only child. My mum didn’t want to be deprived of the joy she’d been waiting years for. Komi’s dad wanted a small, intimate wedding, but my parents refused.

We got married in May at Trenchard Hall in UI. There was aso-ebi and a whole party.

Oh wow! They meant business.

Komi: Layo and I returned to school after the wedding and continued attending classes like normal. Most people didn鈥檛 know we were married, but I confided in a few people, and the story spread everywhere. Suddenly, it was, 鈥淢r UI impregnated someone.鈥� Blogs picked it up. It became a full-blown campus scandal.

Layo: The rumours almost destroyed us. My bump wasn鈥檛 obvious yet, but I鈥檇 hear girls gossiping about me. People said I鈥檇 had several abortions before and finally used pregnancy to trap him. It was nasty.

There was also a strike around May when news broke that we were getting married. Still, the wedding hall was packed. People travelled from different states just to witness the drama. It genuinely felt like a public spectacle.

Through all this, how did you feel about each other?

Layo: We were still deeply in love. At that point, it felt like it was us against the world, and every other opinion was just noise.

Komi: Exactly. We protected each other fiercely and refused to let the outside noise break us.

That鈥檚 cute. What did life after the wedding look like?

Layo: Funny enough, we were still living in separate hostels because we were students. But everyone now knew our story. People became kinder to me, especially lecturers and staff who knew my mum.

I focused on my final-year project while Komi focused on graduating without carrying over courses.

Komi: It was surreal. Porters would see me and shout, 鈥淏ad guy!鈥� but I ignored them. Through it all, Layo was incredibly caring. She stepped naturally into the role of a wife, bringing me food and looking after me. I also showed up for her. My mum took her to antenatal appointments. It was hard, but we had each other’s support.

We just didn鈥檛 know life still had more surprises waiting for us.

What do you mean?

Layo: Towards the end of my pregnancy, I noticed the baby suddenly stopped kicking. He鈥檇 been very active, so I knew something was wrong. I went to the school clinic, and they referred me to another hospital. The hospital told us they couldn鈥檛 find the baby鈥檚 heartbeat 鈥� we鈥檇 lost the baby.

Komi: Hearing my wife scream while delivering a dead baby broke me completely. It was one of the most traumatic moments of our lives.

Layo: I was also writing my final exams and wanted to defer, but my dad refused. He said I couldn鈥檛 lose a baby and lose a school year too. So after I was discharged from the hospital, I went straight back to studying for exams.

Komi: That period reminded me of a promise I鈥檇 made to her after we found out we were getting married. I told her nobody would ever look down on her and say pregnancy ruined her future. I promised I鈥檇 do everything possible to help her succeed. After she left the hospital, she stayed with my grandmother, a retired nurse who lived close to UI. It gave her space to recover and to properly prepare for exams.

My dad encouraged us to try for another baby because he worried we鈥檇 become emotionally scarred by everything that had happened. At first, I resisted. Layo was only 20 and still recovering physically. But two weeks later, she got pregnant again.

Before that second pregnancy, resentment had already started building in me. I鈥檇 been rejected from Big Brother Naija because I was married. It was the same year Miracle got in. I kept thinking about the life I could鈥檝e had.

But the pregnancy forced us to refocus.

We鈥檇 finished school and were waiting for NYSC, so my parents prepared a room for us in their house, and Layo moved in.

Layo: That was when marriage started to feel real. Living together helped us reconnect emotionally and intentionally rebuild our relationship. Adjusting to life with his family wasn鈥檛 easy, but both families agreed it was best for us at the time. Komi took me to antenatal appointments, and we slowly settled into married life.

Then we discovered I was carrying twins.

Wait. What?

Komi: That was another major plot twist. I remember thinking, 鈥淕od, why twins?鈥� But we kept going.

I was unemployed and surviving on multiple side hustles. Then one day, while Layo was heavily pregnant, we had a stop-and-search encounter with the police. The hospital had instructed her to rest strictly, but the officers unnecessarily delayed us. That moment changed something in me. I realised we couldn鈥檛 build the kind of life we wanted in Nigeria forever. We needed to leave eventually.

Not long after, I got a job at First Bank at 22. That was the first time I earned enough to save towards getting us our own apartment. Two years after getting married, we finally moved into our own place.

I also kept pushing Layo academically because I wanted her to fulfil her potential. Eventually, I made sure she enrolled for her master鈥檚 at UI. She鈥檇 attend classes with the twins while breastfeeding. It was incredibly difficult, but I wanted her to reach every goal she dreamed of.

Neat. How did you know you still loved each other after everything you鈥檇 gone through?

Komi: There was actually a period where I questioned if it was still love. We got married young, and everyone still saw us as children. So whenever we had issues, there were always outside opinions. People would tell me, 鈥淭his is how a man should behave,鈥� or, 鈥淲hy are you allowing this?鈥� I started listening to those voices instead of listening to my wife.

It changed how I treated her. I started feeling like I wasn鈥檛 鈥渂eing a man鈥� enough. For almost two years, I became numb. I was just existing: paying bills, providing for the children, going through routines. We fought constantly. I didn鈥檛 feel joy. I felt trapped.

I鈥檇 imagined a completely different life for myself. I wanted entertainment, media, the spotlight. Instead, I was working a routine banking job I hated, married at 21 with kids. I kept looking at friends who were thriving in entertainment and thinking, 鈥淭hat could鈥檝e been me.鈥� I resented my life.

Then one day, I read an article that said the most important person in your marriage should be your spouse, not your parents or your children, because that鈥檚 the person you鈥檙e actually building a life with. It hit me hard. I realised I鈥檇 been letting everybody else into my marriage except the person I chose.

I remember telling my mum, 鈥淕oing forward, I鈥檓 going to make decisions that may break your heart. If you tell me to go left and my wife says right, I鈥檒l go right.鈥� I had to return to first principles: I loved this girl. This was the person I started the journey with.

After that, I shut out the noise. If I was frustrated or confused, I discussed them with her rather than with outsiders. That changed everything.

Layo: That period was difficult, but patience saved us for me. If I鈥檇 listened to advice from my family, we probably wouldn鈥檛 still be together. I鈥檓 an only child. My parents hate seeing me upset, so if I鈥檇 complained to them about our problems, they would鈥檝e told me to leave immediately. But I didn鈥檛 involve them. I kept our issues between us.

I鈥檓 also very intuitive, so I could tell his unhappiness wasn鈥檛 really about me. He felt like adulthood had interrupted his youth. He wanted to explore what he imagined for himself. Suddenly, he was married with responsibilities before he felt ready.

I understood that pain. That鈥檚 where my patience came from. I knew he needed time to process the life he thought he鈥檇 lost.

Women mature emotionally earlier, so while I also sacrificed things, I adjusted more quickly. For him, the resentment came from feeling like his freedom and future had been cut short. We had many conversations about it, and eventually he started asking himself, 鈥淗ow do I build a good life from where I am now?鈥� That shift changed our marriage.

Komi: Another thing that affected me was external pressure about masculinity. But I stopped caring about expectations and focused on the life we were building. I started asking myself, 鈥淲hat kind of family do we want? What kind of people do we want to become?鈥� That was when I truly fell back in love with her.

It took 10 years of being in the wilderness, but now I truly feel it鈥檚 all worth it. We鈥檙e both thriving in our careers. We鈥檝e moved from Nigeria to the UK and now to Canada. I鈥檝e bagged an MBA from a global top 25 university, and I鈥檓 currently a manager at one of Canada鈥檚 top financial services, a role that would have taken over a decade to achieve if I鈥檇 remained at First Bank.  

As we approach our 10th anniversary, I can look at Layo and genuinely feel like I chose, not stayed, for reasons beyond circumstances or having children.

Fair enough. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Layo: I’d say 9. Komi kept every promise he made to me. He made sure I didn’t lose myself or my dreams because of what happened. We grew up together, literally. We were kids when we met, and now we’re adults with children of our own. I wouldn’t change anything.

Komi: I’d give it a 9. We’ve been through hell and back together. But we came out stronger. We built something real from a very messy beginning.

 *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this聽.

罢丑别听聽is returning on August 22, 2026, in Lagos! Come learn from finance experts and industry leaders, and partake in unfiltered conversations about building wealth and diversifying your income stream in a country like Nigeria.聽Real stories, expert advice you can actually use, and a community ready to build wealth together.聽.

Arthur* (28) and Sarah* (24) met in 2023 when Arthur joined her university as a direct entry student. 

On this week’s Love Life, they talk about how he supported her through pregnancy and motherhood, the judgement they faced on campus, and navigating their relationship with a child that isn鈥檛 Arthur鈥檚 in the picture.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this聽.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Arthur: We met in 2023, when I joined her school as a direct-entry student. I didn’t really make many friends when I arrived because I felt like a complete stranger; most people already had their established friend groups and cliques. Plus, I was a lot older than most of my coursemates. I’d left another university mid-way through my programme, gone to a polytechnic, and then returned to university. So I’d wasted a lot of time and years. I just wanted to keep to myself and maintain some level of respect.

I noticed Sarah around the fourth week after I resumed. She always sat at the back of the class, completely keeping to herself and never really interacting with anyone. And she always had this big bag with her, packed with flasks, cups, water bottles, and more. One day after lectures ended, I decided to go sit with her, and she was surprisingly receptive. We talked about random school stuff for a few minutes and then said our goodbyes.

Sarah: I didn’t notice Arthur at all until he came to talk to me. I’d been keeping to myself and avoiding people since we resumed for 200 level because I was pregnant. 

When people found out, it felt like they actively isolated themselves from me. So I also isolated myself out of shame and embarrassment. But it was actually easier to open up to Arthur, since he was brand-new to the school and didn’t know anything about my past.

Fair enough. So how did things progress after that first interaction? 

Arthur: We developed a friendship pretty quickly. I would always carry Sarah’s heavy bag for her after classes, run errands for her when she needed things, and help her out in whatever ways I could. I guess I just felt that duty of care because of her condition. I didn鈥檛 find it weird that she was pregnant. In fact, the polytechnic I came from had lots of nursing and expectant mums, and they carried on like regular students. But it was weird that Sarah was always alone and had no one to support her.聽

Soon, we both started getting attention and stares from other students because of our closeness. But I genuinely didn’t care what people thought or said.

Sarah: I kept wondering what he actually wanted from me or if he had any hidden agenda, but he was just being genuinely platonic and helpful.  I couldn鈥檛 detect any ulterior motives. In a way, I felt like he was God-sent because he couldn鈥檛 have come into my life at a better time. 

Curious, Arthur. Did you ever ask where the father was in all this? 

础谤迟丑耻谤:听I always wanted to ask questions, but I didn’t want to trespass, overstep boundaries, or make her uncomfortable. So I just waited for her to share if and when she was ready. By that time, I鈥檇 heard rumours from coursemates and hostelsmates, but I didn鈥檛 pay much attention. I wanted to hear the original version from Sarah, and I was willing to wait until she was ready to share.聽

Sarah, were you comfortable with sharing the details with Arthur? 

Sarah: Eventually, yes. About a month into our friendship, I opened up to him and shared the full story of my pregnancy. I’d made lots of mistakes in 100 level and found out I was pregnant when I was already four months along. I genuinely didn’t know who the father was. There were multiple possibilities and no way to be certain.聽

My parents didn’t want me to have an abortion when they found out. They’re very religious, and it went against everything they believed. But they also didn’t let me withdraw from school to have the baby privately. They forced me to continue attending classes and to carry the pregnancy publicly on campus, facing all the shame and judgment that came with it.

Arthur: When she told me everything, I felt deep pity and concern for her. That was when her isolation and withdrawal began to make more sense to me. In a way, I could relate to Sarah because I also had a rough 100 level, which was why I left my first uni. I got involved in a cult group that attacked some students. The whole thing got out of control, and I had to leave. So I鈥檇 had my fair share of rough beginnings. 

After Sarah鈥檚 revelation, I just continued being there for her consistently. We maintained our friendship, and it kept growing deeper. Soon, it became clear to both of us that something more than just friendship was developing between us.

Oh

Sarah: Around my eighth month of pregnancy, we had physical intimacy. We didn鈥檛 have sex because Arthur was really worried he鈥檇 hurt me, but we did everything else. It happened naturally between us.

Arthur: I felt extremely guilty afterwards. I thought we’d made a huge mistake. But Sarah didn’t feel guilty at all. She actually wanted us to get more intimate and continue what we’d started. But I felt like that first time was a mistake that shouldn’t be repeated. So I tried to pull back, but Sarah wasn鈥檛 having it. She thought I was ashamed of what transpired between us. 

I think we had a brief moment when we weren’t really speaking to each other. I wanted to continue being there for her as usual, but she took my rejection of any intimate relationship as a complete rejection. I鈥檇 come to her hostel, and she wouldn鈥檛 open the door. This continued until we left school for break.聽

Sarah: Honestly, now that I think about it, I don鈥檛 know why I did that. I think my emotions were just super high at the time. I was already heavily pregnant, and even though I鈥檇 maintained my stature and looked for most of the pregnancy, I wasn鈥檛 really looking like myself again. So his rejection felt like he probably didn鈥檛 find me attractive, or he didn鈥檛 want to be with someone who didn鈥檛 even know the father of her child. I was just making up lots of scenarios in my head.

Did you try to talk to him at any point?

Sarah: Not really. He tried to reach out, but I shut him out. I was also having these really weird dreams where it felt like I didn鈥檛 make it through childbirth. In a way, I just wanted to set him free. I already knew how people stared whenever he walked around me in school; I鈥檇 heard gossip about how I was trying to pin the pregnancy on him. So I felt like it was better to just let him be.

That must have been a lot. At what point did things get better between you guys?

Sarah: I had to leave school as my delivery date neared. I was gone for about an entire semester. I had my baby, and even though we weren鈥檛 really on speaking terms, he was part of the first people I shared the news with. He couldn鈥檛 visit since we were in different states, and he was also back in school.

Throughout that time, we only communicated by phone and text. And it was actually during this period of physical separation that I suggested to Arthur that we should officially become a couple. I don鈥檛 even know what I was thinking; I just blurted it out one day.

Arthur:  I loved Sarah genuinely. But I had so many mixed feelings and concerns about entering a relationship with her. First, she didn’t know who her child’s father was. That man could eventually show up, and I’d have to deal with that complicated situation. Second, it was just a completely new experience for me, dating someone who already had a child. 

I鈥檇 also told my siblings about her and they weren鈥檛 really thrilled about the idea. One of them also gossiped to my mum, and she had a long lecture about how I was too young to be starting my life with another man鈥檚 baggage. There was just a lot to think about, but through it all, I knew I really liked Sarah. So I told her to still give it time, at least when she鈥檚 back in school, we鈥檇 be able to see how things go.

Right. How did you feel about that, Sarah? Did you feel like he鈥檇 rejected you a second time?

Sarah: Not really. I鈥檓 an impulsive person, and I鈥檓 thankful that I have people who can rein me in. When he gave his reasons, I suddenly felt stupid, in a way, because that鈥檚 when I realised there were other things to consider. Plus, it wasn鈥檛 an outright rejection; he said he was going to think about it when I resumed.

Nice. So, when did you return to school, and how did things pan out between you guys?

Sarah: I returned to campus with my baby in 300 level second semester. I had several feelings going back because I knew people would have even more to say. I wondered how I鈥檇 navigate attending lectures with my child and all, but I was also thankful that I had Arthur. 

He was genuinely God-sent during that time. He supported my son and me in ways I never expected. There were constant rumours and gossip all over campus about us, but Arthur never let it get to him or affect how he treated us.

Our relationship status was still completely undefined at that point. We were together in some ways, doing relationship things, but not as an officially labelled couple. And I was fine with that.

Arthur: I was acting like a platonic friend and a romantic lover simultaneously. I’d help with the baby, buy things he needed, support Sarah however I could, and like she said, I didn鈥檛 care about the gossip. It wasn鈥檛 like I made a lot of friends in school anyway, so they couldn鈥檛 say anything to my face.

By 400 level, Sarah sent her child back home to her parents, which was a relief in some way. I didn鈥檛 think the school environment was conducive to a new mum, and it was extremely hard for Sarah to juggle school and being a mum. 

Anyway, that鈥檚 also when our relationship became official. It was easier to define and navigate the relationship without the child being physically present on campus with us every day.

But how do you feel knowing that the child will always be a part of Sarah鈥檚 life?

Arthur: I don’t have an issue with that at all. I’ve genuinely grown to love the boy. He’s a sweet kid, and I’ve bonded with him.聽

Sarah: I鈥檝e made it very clear to Arthur from the beginning that if we continue this relationship outside of school, after graduation, my child absolutely has to be a part of my life and our life together. That’s non-negotiable for me.

Arthur: The only issue is my parents; they aren’t thrilled about this situation at all. 

But I also don’t want to think about their disapproval right now. I’m just focused on enjoying our relationship and being there for Sarah and her son. I’ll deal with my family’s concerns later.

Do your parents know you鈥檙e dating again, Sarah? How do they feel about that?

Sarah: I think my mum does. She鈥檚 walked in on me having video calls with Arthur a couple of times, but she didn鈥檛 say much. She once asked me if he鈥檚 the father, and I told her no. She hasn鈥檛 really said much after that.

I think right now, they鈥檙e still disappointed in me, and they try not to have any deep conversations with me. I wish they would, so I can even have an idea of what鈥檚 going on in their heads, but they don鈥檛. 

Considering what you鈥檝e both been through, what would you say is the best thing about being with each other?

Arthur: Sarah is resilient and strong. She went through something incredibly difficult publicly and came out the other side. I admire her courage and her determination to keep going despite everything.

Sarah: Arthur accepted me at my absolute lowest point. When everyone else had abandoned me or judged me, he showed up and stayed. That kind of loyalty and unconditional support is rare and precious.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Sarah: I’d say 8. Arthur has been amazing, but I can鈥檛 act like the complications aren鈥檛 there. 

Arthur: I’d give it an 8. We have something real and meaningful. But external pressures, family issues, and uncertainties about the future keep it from being perfect.

 *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this聽.

Tomide* (29) and Layo* (27) met during their service year in 2022. 

On this week’s Love Life, they talk about moving in together as friends, transitioning into a relationship while living under the same roof, and the 50-50 arrangement that nearly broke them.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this聽.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Tomide: It was 2022, and we met at our Place of Primary Assignment (PPA) in Ogun State. I had just one more month of my service year left when Layo joined our office. Although I noticed her when she resumed, I observed from a distance for the first few weeks. She didn鈥檛 look very friendly; always quiet and alone. 

One random afternoon, I saw her sitting alone at the staff canteen and decided to approach her and make conversation. She responded to my jokes, but I could tell she wasn’t interested in talking. So I left and kept my distance for a while.

Layo: I didn’t really notice Tomide at all. I wasn’t paying attention to anyone because I wasn’t in a good headspace when my service year started. I was genuinely upset and bitter that I’d been posted to Ogun State, and I absolutely hated my PPA. The work environment, the people, the location, everything felt wrong.

I was supposed to be in Ibadan serving with two other close friends. We’d planned it all out, but the redeployment process didn’t go as we’d hoped. So I arrived at the PPA feeling gloomy, disappointed, and resentful. I kept to myself most of the time because I was processing all that frustration and disappointment.

On the day in question, I didn’t want to be rude to him, but I just wasn’t in the mood for small talk or to聽make new friends. After just a few exchanges, he picked up on that and left. I appreciated that he didn’t push it. But that was the first time he crossed my mind.

Did you try to make up for that first encounter? 

Layo: I actually felt bad about my behaviour. So when I saw Tomide the following day, I greeted him first. I wanted to make up for my coldness the previous day.

Tomide: I answered her greeting, but I’d already made up my mind not to push for anything more. I wasn’t going to try to be her friend if she didn’t want that or was rude about it.

I see. So, when did things take a turn between you guys? 

Tomide: We continued like that for about three weeks. Just saying hello when we ran into each other at work, nothing more than that. Then, on the week I was passing out, my boss and some other staff organised a small send-off for me at the office. Layo didn’t attend. But that’s how she found out I was leaving, and I guess that really marked the beginning of our cordial relationship.

Layo: When I heard about his send-off and realised he was passing out that week, I went to find him. I congratulated him on completing service, and he seemed genuinely interested in keeping the conversation going. We briefly talked about school, and he also tried to give me a few tips on navigating the office. After the whole conversation, he asked for my number, and I didn鈥檛 see any harm in giving it to him. I told myself he was leaving anyway.

Surprisingly, we kept in touch for the next couple of months after he left. Even though I鈥檇 given him my number with the assumption that he鈥檇 just be another random WhatsApp contact, that was far from the case. He鈥檇 reach out to say hello, ask me how I was coping, and I鈥檇 also reciprocate the effort. But nothing significant happened between us for months. 

Fast forward to September 2023. I wanted to relocate to Lagos after my service year ended. The problem was that I didn’t have a place to stay or much money saved up to get my own place. I mentioned this to Tomide, and then he suggested moving in together.

Wait, what?

Tomide: Here鈥檚 the thing. I was also seriously considering getting my own place around that same time. I was tired of squatting with friends and not having my own space or stability. I actually had relatives in Lagos, but they lived In the outskirts of town, and we didn鈥檛 get along when I stayed with them during my first few months there. They felt the need to watch my activities and report to my parents. I didn鈥檛 like that at all.

When Layo mentioned her housing situation and that she needed to find somewhere affordable in Lagos, I suggested we pool our funds to get a two-bedroom apartment we could share. It made complete financial sense for both of us. We could split the rent and each have our own private room.

Curious, was the relationship still platonic at this point? And how did you know you could trust each other as housemates?

Tomide: It was platonic. But we鈥檇 gotten really close. I mean, that鈥檚 why I could even suggest living together in the first place. We barely went a day without speaking, and we always shared everything. The funny thing is, all these happened virtually. We hadn鈥檛 seen each other in person since we said goodbye in Ogun state. But through it all, I knew I was starting to feel something for Layo. It wasn鈥檛 fully formed, and I wasn鈥檛 quite sure of my feelings, so I kept it to myself.

Layo: It was pretty much the same for me. I had many reservations about the living situation, though. I never really shared this with Tomide, but I was double planning. Two of my friends also wanted to move to Lagos, and we鈥檇 all planned to get a place. But as the date grew closer and closer to leaving Ogun, my friends still weren鈥檛 certain. I told my aunt about my plan, and she prayed about it. When she told me all was fine, I went for it. She鈥檚 a prophetess and very spiritual, so I knew I could trust her words.

I see 

Layo: Anyway, that鈥檚 how we ended up moving in together. Tomide did most of the heavy lifting. He found the place, met the agent and even tried to set up the space a little. I only paid my part of the rent, moved in, and we became flatmates. 

For the first few months, we were just friends sharing a space. We had our separate rooms, separate routines and so on. There were days when we had shared activities like cooking and watching movies, but not all the time.

Tomide: By early 2024, things had shifted between us. We’d been living together for several months and spending significant amounts of time in each other’s company.聽 The feelings I鈥檇 refused to confront from the start had bubbled to the top. Our neighbours and the people in our building already assumed we were a couple based on how we interacted. Plus, neither of us was seeing anyone else at the time, so I knew I had a chance. I decided to just go for it and ask her out properly.聽

Layo: When he asked, I had this brief moment of 鈥渇inally!鈥� in my head. I didn鈥檛 know what took him so long. I鈥檇 also developed feelings for him over time, but it鈥檚 not my style to ask boys out. So I wasn鈥檛 going to jump the gun.

Surprisingly, even though I thought I wanted a relationship with him, I wasn鈥檛 quick to say yes. I suddenly had reservations that I didn鈥檛 have before. 

What reservations? 

Layo: Our living situation. Things were normal when we were just two friends who were also flatmates. We respected each other鈥檚 boundaries. We did our own thing and didn鈥檛 always feel the need for shared activities. There were times when I was away with friends for the weekend, and other times when I just needed to change my environment. None of these was an issue, but I worried it would be different once we became romantically involved.

Tomide: Those were really valid concerns, but at the end of the day, I convinced Layo that we were in this for the long haul. And if that was the case, doesn鈥檛 it make sense that we already had the opportunity to spend time together and know each other in the true sense of it? Both the good, the ugly and the in-between. She eventually agreed, and we became official about three weeks after I asked.

Sweet. What were the early days of the relationship like?

Layo: Really nice and genuinely enjoyable. We went out together on actual dates, explored different parts of Lagos, and tried new restaurants and spots. We did many shared activities together. It wasn鈥檛 like we weren鈥檛 already doing that before, but this time around it was different. For example, when we were just friends, we鈥檇 still go to our separate rooms even after we finished cooking together. We couldn鈥檛 enter each other鈥檚 rooms without permission. But all that changed once we started dating. 

Tomide: The early days felt really easy and natural. Like Layo said, we already knew each other so intimately from living together for months. There was some level of familiarity, but also the excitement of this new romantic dimension to our relationship. But cracks started showing pretty quickly. 

Oh

Tomide: We both didn’t know how to communicate properly during conflicts. When we’d have a disagreement or argument, instead of talking it through, we’d both go completely silent on each other.

Layo: The silent treatment between us would last for days on end, sometimes stretching into weeks. It was absolutely terrible and toxic because we’d be in the same house, pass each other multiple times a day, see each other in the kitchen or living room, but completely ignore each other’s existence. Not speaking a single word or acknowledging each other’s presence. It was childish and unhealthy, but neither of us knew how to break the cycle or initiate a real conversation.

Tomide: But the silent treatment aside, what really threatened our relationship was the money issue. 

What do you mean?

Tomide: Specifically, my insistence on maintaining a 50-50 split for household expenses even after we started dating.

Layo: Once we officially started dating and became a couple, I became less consistent and diligent about splitting costs down the middle. In my mind, since we were now in a romantic relationship, not just platonic flatmates, Tomide should naturally take on most of the expenses and financial responsibilities. I guess I also felt this way because he earned way more money. Apart from his 9-5, he also had all these international side gigs that never stopped coming. 

Tomide: I didn’t like that shift at all because that wasn’t remotely close to what we’d explicitly agreed to when we decided to become flatmates. It wasn’t an issue whatsoever during those first several months, when we were just friends living together platonicly. We both contributed equally and consistently to everything. Rent, utilities, and even down to cooking. We used to cook separately, but whenever we wanted to do joint cooking, we both contributed our bit. But once we put a romantic label on our relationship, Layo completely pulled back from that financial arrangement and started expecting me to cover most of the costs.

Layo: I don鈥檛 think that鈥檚 a completely honest assessment. I didn鈥檛 pull back completely; I was just not as consistent as I used to. And it wasn鈥檛 entirely my fault. My office owed salaries, and I鈥檇 already switched jobs twice. Tomide knew all these when we were flatmates and would sometimes ask me to forego some expenses. If he could do that as a friend, I expected he鈥檇 do the same now that we were dating and thinking of a long-term future together.

But Tomide would always ask me for my share of expenses. Always. For absolutely everything, no matter how small. He’d meticulously calculate everything and ask me to send my half. It felt so transactional and unromantic. It made me feel like I was living with a roommate who happened to be sleeping with me, not like I was in an actual loving relationship.

Did you guys try to have a conversation about this? And didn鈥檛 you think this would happen after you moved from flatmates to lovers?

Layo: I did, which was why I had reservations when he first asked me out. I knew there was a chance of something like this happening, but Tomide was super convincing about how we were in this for the long term and how it was to our advantage to really get to know each other well.

The absolute worst situation happened when we needed to renew our apartment rent in 2024. When the time came to pay, I didn’t have my full 50% available. I was short on funds, but I gave him about 35% and promised to pay the rest.  But then, immediately after Tomide paid, he started asking me repeatedly for the balance. He’d bring it up in conversation and send reminders. I honestly felt like I鈥檇 gotten to my breaking point. A part of me just wanted to refund him and break up.

Tomide: I agree that I went about it the wrong way. I thought if I wasn鈥檛 persistent, she wouldn鈥檛 feel the need to repay what she owed. 

But the thing is, I鈥檓 a man of my words and I always expect people around me to be the same. Layo and I had clear arrangements around these things when we started living together, and I didn鈥檛 think that being in a relationship meant going back on our words. It would have been different if we had a conversation when we started dating and reworked our agreement, but there wasn鈥檛 anything like that.

Don鈥檛 you think you have yourself to blame for that? 

Tomide: To some level, I take the blame. And this isn鈥檛 just about Layo. It鈥檚 something I face in other relationships. Once I come to an agreement with someone, I always expect them to keep to it because that鈥檚 exactly what I鈥檇 do. But I鈥檓 learning that things aren鈥檛 always that way, and sometimes, you need to be willing to bend a little for peace to reign.

Layo eventually paid the money back, but I felt really bad afterwards. It was almost like I only started taking her situation into account after I got my money. How she鈥檇 been owed salaries, how her pay wasn鈥檛 that great, how she鈥檇 changed jobs and hadn鈥檛 really found her footing. I felt terrible because this was someone I claimed to love going through a hard time, but I was too blind to notice. And it wasn鈥檛 just that; she wasn鈥檛 wrong to expect that, as her partner, I should be able to make life easier for her as long as it was within my power.  

Layo: We barely spoke for almost two months after that. Living in the same house but existing in completely separate worlds. It was one of the lowest points in our relationship.

How did you guys resolve it, given that you both had a habit of resorting to the silent treatment? 

Tomide: We eventually realised we couldn’t keep going like that. Beneath it all, we loved and genuinely cared about each other. And I was starting to think that we could actually lose what we had. The illusion of staying in the same house probably didn鈥檛 make it immediately clear, but once realised, we had to sit down and actually talk.聽

Layo: It was an incredibly difficult conversation, but absolutely necessary for us to move forward. I explained in detail how the splitting thing made me feel emotionally, and how it made me feel like he wasn’t really taking care of me the way I thought a boyfriend should. And he explained his perspective thoroughly about financial responsibility, not wanting to be taken advantage of, and the importance of both partners contributing equally to a shared life.

Right. And you guys have been able to move forward?

Tomide: Honestly, things are still not perfect yet between us. We’re still actively learning how to navigate this complex dynamic. I’m personally learning to make concessions and compromises, learning to accept that it can’t always be exactly 50-50 split down the middle in a romantic relationship. Sometimes I need to be more flexible and willing to cover costs without immediately calculating who owes what. But at the same time, I also need her to genuinely understand and respect that financial partnership and shared responsibility genuinely matter deeply to me. 

Layo: And I’m learning to be more financially responsible and consistent about contributing to our shared household, even though it’s honestly not my ideal vision or fantasy of how a romantic relationship should work financially. As much as I genuinely don’t like the arrangement, I have to admit that it’s giving me an unfiltered picture of what our future together might realistically look like if we end up getting married. 

Fair enough. What’s the best thing about being with each other?

Tomide: Layo is honest and straightforward in all her interactions with me. She’s not pretending or putting on an act. I also really appreciate that we can live together in close quarters and still give each other the space and breathing room we need when we need it. We’ve learned when to engage and when to back off.

Layo: Tomide is incredibly consistent and reliable as a partner. When he says he’s going to do something, he actually follows through without needing reminders or prodding. Financial issues and disagreements aside, he’s genuinely someone I can count on and depend on, someone I could see myself building a real life with. 

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Tomide: I’d give it a 7. I’m genuinely optimistic and hopeful about where we’re headed. I believe we can work through the minor issues.

Layo: I’d also say 7. There’s a strong foundation between us built on friendship and shared experiences. But there’s also a significant amount of work we still need to do on ourselves and on the relationship. 

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this聽.

Testimony* (27) and Efosa* (28) met in 2017 while writing UTME. 

On this week’s Love Life, they talk about going from best friends in university to a complicated situationship, why their relationship failed twice, and the years-long friends-with-benefits arrangement they still maintain.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this聽.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Testimony: We met in 2017 at the examination centre where we wrote our UTME. Both our mothers had met outside the centre and got along really well when they realised we鈥檇 both chosen the same university. I came out of the exam hall first, and my mum introduced me to Efosa’s mum. When Efosa came out and approached us, he looked confused. He saw me and my mum, these strange people, standing with his mum. He had no idea what was happening.

He also looked prim and proper, like what we used to call a butty. And I thought he was attractive. I was interested from that first meeting.

Efosa: I was very confused. When my mum did the introductions, it was just awkward all around. Even worse, both our parents exchanged contacts and encouraged us to keep in touch since we’d potentially be attending the same university.

I was quite shy around girls I didn’t know then. So I didn’t pay much attention to Testimony. Even after we exchanged contacts, we didn’t really keep in touch. 

So what happened next?

Testimony: I ran into Efosa at Unilag the following year. We were both freshers, and seeing him was such a pleasant surprise. That’s when our friendship started properly. 

We went to classes together, ate together, and hung out together. Everyone on campus assumed we were a couple. People would ask me about my boyfriend, and I’d have to explain that Efosa and I were just friends.

Efosa: I was genuinely happy to be around Testimony once we reconnected. She was really jovial, outgoing, and got along with everyone so easily. I wondered if she’d lived a previous life as a Unilag student because she didn’t act like a fresher at all. 

After a while, the boyfriend-and-girlfriend assumption started flying around. But we brushed it aside.

Curious, Testimony. You mentioned you liked Efosa when you first met at the UTME centre. Why didn鈥檛 you pursue that interest?

Testimony: I did. I’d promised myself that I’d get a boyfriend in my first year, and I really wanted it to be Efosa. Everything about him appealed to me. I was just waiting patiently for him to make a move. As much as I liked him,  I couldn’t ask him out. 

But months passed, and nothing happened. I dropped multiple hints and created opportunities for him to say something, but he never took them. 

At some point,  I started wondering if I’d misread the situation entirely; if maybe he saw me as a friend and nothing more.

Efosa: I was actually very attracted to her. I didn鈥檛 just like her physically; I also enjoyed her personality, her energy, and everything else about her. But I’d never dated anyone before in my entire life. I had absolutely no experience with relationships or expressing romantic interest to women. Plus, I didn’t want to make a move that could potentially ruin our friendship. So I just stayed silent and kept things in the safe zone of friendship, even though I was constantly struggling with my feelings for her.

Even after she dropped hints?

Efosa: They didn鈥檛 seem like hints to me at the time. It was only much later that I realised what she was trying to say.  There was even a time she ended messages with 鈥渓ove ya鈥� or 鈥渪oxo,鈥� and I just waved it aside as what friends say to each other. 

Testimony: This continued for most of 100 level. We’d do things together constantly, spend hours talking and hanging out, and have these deep emotional connections. But nothing happened romantically, even though we randomly got jealous when we saw each other hanging out closely with the opposite gender 

Right. At what point did things change?

Testimony: When we came back for 200 level, I started dating someone. A guy who’d been pursuing me showed interest, and I decided to give it a try. I’d concluded that Efosa and I were just going to be friends.

Efosa: I was genuinely hurt when she started dating that guy. But I didn’t say anything about how I felt. Instead, I carried on as if I were completely supportive of the relationship. I’d pretend like I was happy for her and ask her how things were going with him. But internally, I was struggling. I’d missed my chance, and now I had to watch her be with someone else.

Testimony: Honestly, I didn’t like that guy as much as I liked Efosa. But I figured Efosa had his chance and didn’t take it, so I needed to move on. The guy I was dating was older and had money. He took me places and bought me things. It wasn’t deep love, but it was something.

Efosa: About three months into her relationship with that guy, things started to completely fall apart. The guy was cheating on her with multiple girls and treating her badly. She’d come to me upset and crying, telling me how he was hurting her. And I’d comfort and tell her she deserved better.

In a strange way, watching her be with someone else and witnessing her get hurt repeatedly forced me to confront my own feelings for her. I realised I couldn’t just stay silent forever. That was when I decided to express my feelings.

Oh.

Testimony: He started being more forward with me. More physical and flirtatious. One night, we got intimate. I was still technically with the other guy. It just happened, and it kept happening.

Efosa: We didn’t define what we were doing or have any serious conversation about it. We were basically friends with benefits without ever using those words. We’d hook up, sometimes multiple times a week, but we never talked about defining the new territory our relationship had entered. 

Testimony: I didn’t break up with the other guy immediately, even after Efosa and I started hooking up. I know it sounds really messy when I say it out loud, but I kind of liked having both situations running at the same time. The other guy had his uses. He took care of certain material things I needed and wanted. And Efosa gave me the deep emotional connection, intellectual stimulation, physical intimacy, and the genuine care that I actually craved. It was messy and complicated.

Did you guys ever get to the point of making things official?

Testimony: I finally broke up with the other guy toward the end of 200 level. And in 300 level, Efosa asked me to make our relationship official. I said yes. 

Efosa: It turned out to be the absolute worst mistake we could have made. Being in an official, labelled relationship with Testimony was completely and fundamentally different from being friends or even friends with benefits. We weren’t a suitable couple at all. The dynamics that worked when we were casual completely fell apart when we tried to be in a committed relationship. Everything that was fun and easy before became difficult and stressful.

Testimony: We fought constantly about absolutely everything. Small things, big things, it didn’t matter. Efosa became extremely jealous and possessive in ways he’d never been before when we were just friends. He wanted to police who I talked to, where I went or what I wore. And I realised through all the fighting that I was probably too carefree for what he wanted in a girlfriend. I was also, in his words, 鈥渢oo materialistic.鈥� We brought out the worst in each other instead of the best.

Efosa: We dated for about six months before it became unbearable. We broke up and didn’t speak to each other for the rest of our time in school. We graduated in 2023 without reconciling.

I see. And how did you guys reunite?

Efosa: I think it was during NYSC clearance. I needed help with something technical 鈥攕ome documentation process. Testimony was the only person I knew who understood how to navigate it. I reached out to her, and she helped me without hesitation.

Somehow, we realised that we had both missed each other. We started talking again, and the conversation flowed easily like it used to. We caught up on everything we’d missed in each other’s lives. 

Testimony: Then, after a few weeks of consistent communication, we decided to give the relationship a second shot since we were both single. We thought maybe we’d both matured since university, and things would be different now. But it was still the same old. We broke up again after about 3 months, though this time it was amicable. We admitted that being in a relationship just doesn’t work for us and we鈥檙e better off as friends. 

And how鈥檚 that friendship going these days?

Efosa: Pretty much like our 100 level days. Plus, I think we both forgot to mention that our mums are also friends. So somehow, we鈥檙e always involved in each other鈥檚 lives. Although we kept the relationship private from them, if not, my mum especially would have tried to meddle.

Testimony: Everything he said. My mum tried to get nosy once, but I told her we were just friends and nothing more.

Anyway, we’ve both dated other people multiple times since we officially ended things. I’ve had my relationships and he’s had his. But somehow, whenever either of us breaks up with someone or ends a situation, we inevitably end up hooking up for sex. We’ll go weeks or even months without seeing each other while we’re involved with other people. But the moment one of us becomes single again, we’re back in each other’s beds. It’s like muscle memory.

You guys don鈥檛 think someone is going to get hurt along the line?

Efosa: I know it’s unconventional and probably not healthy long-term. But there’s this deep comfort and familiarity with Testimony that I genuinely don’t have with anyone else. We can just be completely ourselves and be completely honest about what we want physically.

Testimony: We’ve set very clear boundaries around this arrangement to protect both of us. We’re not exclusive with each other at all. We don’t owe each other any explanations about who else we’re seeing, sleeping with, or dating. We don’t get to have opinions about each other’s romantic choices. It’s purely physical intimacy, with a strong foundation of a deep, long-standing friendship underneath. We both understand and respect the rules.

Right. But do you guys see a future where you try again? 

Efosa: I genuinely and sincerely believe we both still need to do significant growing up as individuals before we can successfully be together. But I do see a realistic future, maybe in three to five years, where we reunite as more self-aware people and try to build a stronger, healthier, more sustainable relationship. We have so much history together. We understand each other on a level most people never reach. We genuinely care about each other’s well-being and happiness. 

I firmly believe that with more life experience, personal growth, financial stability, and emotional maturity, we could actually make it work this time.

Testimony: I don’t entirely agree with Efosa’s optimistic vision of our future together. I’m open to that reality happening; I won’t completely close the door on the possibility. Stranger things have happened. But I’m also definitely not actively thinking about it right now. 

At this stage of my life, I’m genuinely not ready for a serious commitment with anyone, including and especially Efosa. I’m enjoying my freedom and figuring out what I actually want and need in a partner and in life. 

What’s the best thing about your connection with each other?

Efosa: The history and deep understanding we share. Testimony knows me better than literally anyone else in my life. She’s seen me at my absolute best and at my absolute worst. She’s seen me succeed and fail. She’s seen me confident and insecure. There’s a level of profound comfort, trust, and understanding between us that I honestly haven’t found or built with anyone else I’ve dated or been involved with since.

Testimony: The friendship that exists underneath everything else we do. No matter what happens between us romantically or sexually, or how messy things get, Efosa is genuinely one of my closest and most trusted friends in the world. I can call him about literally anything at any time, I can rely on him when I need help or support, and I can be my complete, authentic self around him. That foundation of real friendship is truly irreplaceable and incredibly rare.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Efosa: I’d give it a 6 when we dated. Right now, maybe an 8. We’re honest with each other, and we genuinely care about each other.

Testimony: I’d also say 7. It’s a good arrangement that meets our needs without the complications of a relationship. But it’s also not sustainable forever. Something will eventually have to change.

 *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this聽.

Fatima* (26) and Toba* (29) met in July 2025 at an amusement park in Lagos. 

On this week’s Love Life, they talk about the embarrassing moment that led to their first interaction, why he initially hesitated to pursue a relationship with her, and her decision to date someone who doesn’t fit her usual type.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this聽.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Fatima: We met at a Lagos amusement park in July 2025. I was supposed to go with my friends, but they bailed at the last minute. I decided to go alone since I鈥檇 already booked my ticket. Toba was seated beside me on one of the rides.聽

When it started spinning and going really fast, I screamed at the top of my lungs. I wasn’t mentally prepared for how intense and aggressive it would be. Then the absolute worst thing that could happen happened: my wig flew off. It went flying through the air. I was mortified beyond words. I wanted the ground to swallow me whole.聽

When the ride finally stopped, and we got off, I was so disoriented, dizzy, and nauseous from the spinning that I threw up right there. It was the most humiliating moment of my entire life. But he stepped in to check on me. He offered me water and heaped sand on my vomit. It was the nicest gesture I鈥檇 gotten from a stranger in a really long time.

Toba: I was at the park with my brother, nephew, and nieces. Just a random weekend outing with family. We were trying different rides, having fun. I noticed Fatima when she sat beside me on one of the rides. In my head, I was like 鈥淒amn! Who鈥檚 this pretty babe?鈥� But it was just a passing thought, not like I planned to make a move or anything. 

After the whole throwing-up episode, I felt concerned for her. My family tried to make sure she was comfortable. Then we left to try other attractions with my nieces and nephews, but I kept thinking about her, wondering if she was okay. So I came back to check on her. I did this two more times. By the third time I came back, she seemed much more settled and stable.

Fatima: When he came back the third time, he asked me to join his family for the rest of the day. On a normal day, I would have immediately turned down an invitation like that from a stranger. But at that point, after how kind he’d been, it didn’t seem harmful. I said yes.

Toba: We spent the rest of the day together at the park. My nieces and my nephew liked her. When it was time to leave, my brother insisted we drop Fatima off at home since her place was on our route. That’s when we exchanged contact information.

Sounds like the perfect meet up. What happened after that day?

Toba: I went snooping around Fatima’s Instagram. I just wanted to get a sense of her personality. Plus, I wanted to see more pictures of her. I liked everything I saw, and she ticked all my boxes physically. But despite all of that, I didn’t reach out.聽

She鈥檚 a pretty babe, and I know from years of experience and observation that pretty girls are always hard to chase. They have multiple guys in their DMs trying to talk to them, and they’re used to receiving attention and compliments from all directions. I wasn’t in the right headspace to do that kind of heavy chasing at that time, as I was in the middle of preparing for very important professional exams.  So I moved on.

I see. Did you try to reach out, Fatima? 

Fatima: About a week after the park incident, I texted Toba. I apologised for not thanking him properly earlier for helping me that day. Honestly, I’d actually forgotten to reach out. The whole experience at the park was so embarrassing and overwhelming that I didn’t really process or think about the part where I’d received help from Toba and his family. When I finally remembered days later, I texted him immediately to say thank you.

Toba: When she texted, I used that opportunity to get closer since she’d reached out first. I tried to keep the conversation going beyond her 鈥渢hank you鈥� message. I’d randomly text her throughout the week about different things. Soon, we were talking regularly, and we developed a friendship.

Fatima: Was it exactly a friendship? Toba wanted more, and I could already tell from his behaviour. He would ask questions about my love life, whether I was seeing anyone, and what I was looking for. Or he’d randomly bring up his own relationship history even when I hadn’t asked. It was obvious where his mind was.

Right. So how did things progress over time, especially with your knowledge about his interest in you?

Fatima: Around August, my birthday was coming up. I was planning a potluck at my place with friends and some people I’d gotten close to. I invited Toba. I wasn’t sure if he’d come, but I extended the invitation anyway. He showed up with so many gifts. Like, an excessive amount of gifts. It was really cute and thoughtful, and some of my friends noticed. I remember one of them pressing me about who he was, and I just waved her aside.

Toba: I wanted to make a good impression. I wanted her to know I was serious about getting to know her better, even though I still hadn’t explicitly told her how I felt. I was still building up the courage. But that didn鈥檛 even last long because she legit hit me up to ask what the deal was.

Fatima: I really wanted to know his plan. I鈥檓 not a fan of stringing each other along. I like it when intentions are clear from the very beginning. Plus, I was already tired of the subtle hints and the whole dance. 

After I confronted him, he confessed his feelings. He told me he liked me and wanted us to be in a relationship.

Did he get a yes? 

Fatima: Not immediately. If I’m being completely transparent, by looks alone, Toba didn’t fit my spec. He looked nothing like my ex. I’ve always been very drawn to physical appearance and aesthetics in the men I date. My exes were all conventionally attractive, the kind of guys people would literally stop and stare at when they walked into a room. But every single one of those relationships came with serious, recurring problems. 

It was either that they cheated on me with multiple women or I was constantly insecure when I saw other women around them.聽 I didn鈥檛 like the version of myself in those relationships. So after my last relationship, I made a mental note that whoever I dated next wouldn鈥檛 be conventionally attractive. Good looking, but not someone who鈥檒l draw too much attention to himself. Toba wasn’t ugly by any stretch of the imagination, but he wasn’t what I’d call too good-looking or conventionally gorgeous either. He also wasn’t particularly muscular or built like the gym bros I used to date.

Ouch. 

Toba: I actually brought this up myself once during one of our conversations. I told her I’d combed through her social media and seen the kind of guys she used to roll with. I knew I didn’t look like them. That was actually another reason I’d hesitated to pursue her. I made a joke about it, about how I knew I wasn’t her usual type physically.

Fatima: I found it really cute that he could joke about himself like that. He had self-awareness and confidence despite knowing he didn’t fit my usual spec. That actually made him more attractive to me. It showed emotional maturity. By September, I gave him a yes. I could have said yes the same month he asked, but I just wanted him to do a little more chasing. 

Fair enough. What were the early days of the relationship like? 

Fatima: We鈥檙e not up to a year yet, so I think it鈥檚 safe to say we鈥檙e still in the early days. The relationship has been good overall. I genuinely think I made the right decision. I trust him in a way I couldn’t trust my previous partners. I’m not constantly stressed about his whereabouts or who he’s talking to.  He鈥檚 kind, loving and intentional. 

Toba: Everything she said. And I think something she forgot to mention is her relationship with my family. I don鈥檛 think I鈥檝e dated anyone who they鈥檝e received so openly. It鈥檚 either there鈥檚 one complaint or the other. But everyone seems to love Fatima. We’ve had our moments, though. We had a significant fight once over a situation with one of Fatima’s friends.

Oh. Tell me about that.

Fatima: I’d confided in Toba about something that one of my close friends had said to me. This friend, someone I’d known for years, had made some comments about how Toba wasn’t fine or attractive enough for me. Honestly, she didn鈥檛 mean it that way. It was something I could have said as well. It was just normal girl-to-girl banter. We have a way of ranking guys based on their looks and style. I casually mentioned it to Toba because I didn鈥檛 think he’d get upset about it. But he did. 

Toba: It was a mix of different reasons. I鈥檇 been super nice to the babe, and she鈥檇 always shine her teeth whenever I came around. It was weird to think she鈥檇 say something like that about me, and even suggest that Fatima shouldn鈥檛 have agreed to date me. I would have let it slide, but she鈥檚 a constant in Fatima鈥檚 life, and I wouldn鈥檛 be able to carry on with the pretence if I didn鈥檛 say how I felt. I reached out to her privately and gave her a piece of my mind. But Fatima didn鈥檛 like that.

Fatima: I was disappointed. I felt like he’d crossed a boundary. I’d shared that information with him in confidence as my partner, not as an invitation for him to go and confront my friend. It led to a whole lot of back-and-forth between us. We argued about boundaries, about how to handle situations like that, about what’s appropriate and what’s not. I think it also made me realise that he could take a lot of jokes about his looks from me, but not from other people.

Toba: We resolved it after a lot of communication. But I don’t speak to that friend anymore. 

Curious, Toba. Was it really about her comment or the fact that she tried to sabotage your relationship?

Toba: The latter. I  don’t let comments or criticisms about my looks get to me anymore. Not even a little bit. I was bullied extensively in secondary school and throughout university because of my physical appearance. But I’ve developed extremely thick skin over all those years of dealing with it. Funny thing is, I鈥檝e consistently dated women who are significantly prettier and more attractive than people who troll me. So people鈥檚 opinions and judgments don’t hold any real weight.

Fatima: That confidence is part of what attracted me to him. He knows who he is. He’s not trying to prove anything to anyone.

Sweet. What’s the best thing about being with each other?

Toba: Fatima is beautiful, intelligent, and she chose me despite what everyone else thought. She looked past the surface and saw my value. That means everything to me. I wake up every day wanting to prove that she made the right choice.

Fatima: I have genuine peace in this relationship that I never had before. I’m not constantly anxious or insecure. I’m not worried about him cheating or leaving me for someone else. I can just exist and be happy. 

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Fatima: I’d give it an 8. We’re still relatively new, but it’s been really good so far. 

Toba: I’d say 8 as well. We have a strong foundation, we communicate well, and we鈥檙e building something solid. I’m excited about where we’re headed.

 *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this聽.

Henrietta and Ayo, navigate stigma, shame, and a world that would rather they stayed quiet. But silence has its limits. Watch .

Deborah* (30) and Oba* (33) met and struck up a friendship at work in  2021. 

On this week’s Love Life, they talk about him being everyone’s favourite coworker, the night in Ibadan that changed their friendship, and getting engaged despite her family’s concerns about his decision to leave banking to become a full-time pastor.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this聽.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Deborah: Oba and I met in 2021 after I was transferred to the bank branch where he worked. Oba was my first point of contact when I arrived. He seemed genuinely nice from that first interaction: he helped me settle in, showed me around, introduced me to people, and explained how things worked in the branch. But it didn’t take long for me to realise that Oba wasn’t just nice to me. He was everyone’s favourite coworker, just generally being kind and approachable. Everybody liked him and wanted to be around him.

Oba: I didn’t have it easy when I  joined the banking industry. The system can be harsh, and people can be unkind. But I made a conscious decision not to let the system change who I was. I was intentional about being nice, being helpful, and maintaining my values even in a difficult work environment. 

That鈥檚 why I help everyone settle in. That鈥檚 also how I met Deborah, and we naturally struck a cordial bond.

Right. Let鈥檚 talk about the first few months working together.

Deborah: We started off as cordial coworkers and had nothing beyond work conversations. But I found myself wanting his friendship. He seemed like someone I’d genuinely get along with outside of work. The problem was that being friends with everyone’s favourite coworker wasn’t easy. Some colleagues were already starting to get jealous of the attention he gave me when I first arrived. I didn’t want to create unnecessary drama or make enemies in a new workplace. So I stepped back.

Oba: I actually liked Debby from early on. I enjoyed talking to her. I looked forward to seeing her at work. I’d come around her desk often to find excuses to chat. Then I noticed she started withdrawing from me. She became more distant and less warm. I didn’t understand why, but I respected it and pulled back. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable or seem like I was forcing a friendship she didn’t want.

Deborah: Later in the year, several people from the branch, including Oba and me, attended a colleague’s wedding in Ibadan. I’d planned to return to Lagos after the reception. But it got really late, and travelling back that night would have been risky. Oba suggested I could sleep at his family’s house. His parents lived there.

I was hesitant at first. Going to a colleague’s family home felt like crossing a professional boundary. But it was safer than travelling back to Lagos at night on those roads. So I agreed. 

His family was lovely when we arrived, very welcoming and warm. They didn’t ask awkward or uncomfortable questions. They gave me a room, made sure I was comfortable, and offered me food and refreshments. That night, after settling in, Oba and I talked for hours in the living room. We gisted about everything you can imagine: work stories, life experiences, our families, our different experiences navigating the banking industry, our frustrations and joys. It felt like we’d known each other for years.

Oba: The conversation flowed naturally. We just clicked in a way I hadn’t experienced with many people. There was no awkwardness or uncomfortable silences. We talked, laughed, and shared stories until it was well past midnight. I remember thinking that this was special, that Deborah was someone I could really connect with on a deeper level.

Hmmm.

Deborah: I told Oba why I’d withdrawn earlier in the year. I explained the jealousy I’d sensed from other colleagues and how I’d created distance to keep the peace.  It wasn鈥檛 because I didn’t want to be friends with him.

Oba: I wished she’d mentioned it earlier. I understood office politics, and I’d dealt with jealousy before. But I also didn’t think we should let other people’s pettiness dictate our friendship. Still, I understood why she’d made that choice. And now that we’d cleared the air, we could move forward.

Sweet. So what happened next? 

Deborah: After we returned to Lagos, we became even closer. The conversation we’d had that night opened something up between us. 

Oba: I stopped caring about what people at work said. If they wanted to gossip, that was their problem. I was around Debby constantly. We’d have lunch together, take breaks together, and chat throughout the day. During this time, I started realising that what I felt for her went beyond friendship. I was developing romantic feelings.

Did you sense this shift, Deborah?

Deborah: I could tell something was different. The way he looked at me, the attention he gave me. It was different from before. But I didn鈥檛 make any assumptions. As long as it wasn鈥檛 spoken out loud, I chalked it all up to friendship.

Oba: I eventually shot my shot after some time. I told her I liked her and wanted us to explore something beyond friendship. But I didn鈥檛 get a yes.

Oh.

Deborah: I didn’t agree for two main reasons. First, I was in a relationship. Second, even if I were single, I had a rule about not dating coworkers. The banking industry is small, and I’d seen too many workplace relationships go badly.

Oba: I respected that she was with someone. But I didn’t care about the coworker part. People dated in the banking industry all the time and got married successfully. I’d seen it happen. So that reason didn’t hold much weight for me. But I understood her position, and I backed off. We maintained our friendship.

I see. And how did the relationship progress over time?

Deborah: We were still cordial. By early 2023, I’d ended my relationship. It had run its course. I took several months to heal properly and get myself to a good place emotionally. Once I felt ready to date again, I mentioned it to Oba casually during one of our conversations.

Oba: I’d been there throughout her breakup and healing process. I looked out for her as a friend, checked on her, and supported her however I could. But I never pushed anything romantic. I gave her space. Still, my feelings for her never went away. I’d always kept my eyes on her, hoping that maybe one day the timing would work out.

And coincidentally, around that same time, I was leaving the bank. I’d decided to answer a pastoral calling. I was transitioning out of banking to become a full-time pastor. So things were aligning in our favour.

Curious, Deborah. How did you feel when you learned he was becoming a pastor?

Deborah: I had serious reservations when I learned he was transitioning to full-time pastoral work. I knew Oba was religious. But I didn’t know the extent or depth of his commitment to ministry. I didn’t know he was this deep into it, to the point where he’d leave a stable, well-paying banking career to pursue it full-time. Becoming a full-time pastor is a massive, life-altering decision. It comes with expectations, serious responsibilities, a certain lifestyle and conduct. That worried me significantly for a while. I had to really think deeply about whether I was ready for that kind of life, whether I could handle being a pastor’s wife, and whether that was the path I wanted for myself and my future family.

Oba: I completely understood her concerns and didn’t take them lightly. Pastoral life genuinely isn’t for everyone. There are demands on your time, expectations for how you conduct yourself publicly, and responsibilities to a congregation. I wanted her to be fully aware and informed of what she’d be signing up for if she chose to be with me. I didn’t want to surprise her later or have her feel trapped.

Deborah: But something in my spirit kept telling me that Oba was my husband. I’d felt it for a while, even before things got romantic. There was this knowing, this peace about him. So despite my initial reservations, I trusted that inner voice. We started courting toward the end of 2023.

Cute. And how has that been?

Oba: It’s been a beautiful relationship. We understand each other and share similar values. We built a strong foundation as friends first, so transitioning to romance felt natural. We’re engaged now, planning to marry.

Deborah: I don’t regret saying yes to this relationship. But there’s been one ongoing challenge that affects us both.

What鈥檚 that?

Deborah: My family still has strong reservations about Oba. Specifically, they’re deeply worried about him abandoning his stable banking career to become a full-time pastor. My parents especially keep bringing it up in conversations. They ask detailed questions about our financial stability and future plans, whether he’ll be able to adequately provide for a family, and whether we’ve thought through the long-term implications. They’re concerned that he’s made a reckless decision by leaving a secure, well-paying profession for something less financially secure.

Oba: I won’t lie, it’s disappointing. I wish they could see beyond the career change and trust that I know what I’m doing. But I’m handing it over to God. I can’t control how they feel or what they think. I get paid a regular salary as a pastor. It’s not like I’m doing volunteer work without any income or depending on offerings and goodwill. The church compensates me properly for my work and my time. I have a steady, predictable income stream every month. I manage my finances responsibly and carefully. 

I’m not struggling financially or living paycheck to paycheck. So honestly, I don’t fully understand what the deep worry is about. Yes, banking pays well, especially at senior levels. But pastoral work also pays a decent salary. Maybe not at exactly the same level as banking, but it’s sufficient for a good quality of life.

Deborah: I think my parents are comparing his current pastoral salary to what he used to make in banking. So in their minds, he’s taken a significant pay cut. 

Oba: I understand they’re coming from a place of care for their daughter. They want to make sure she’s taken care of. I respect that. But I also need them to trust that this is my calling, my path, and I’m walking it with full conviction. I didn’t make this decision lightly or impulsively.

Have you tried to make your family see things from his perspective, Deborah?

Deborah: It’s been genuinely challenging and emotionally draining. I love my family deeply, and I want their blessing and full support for this marriage. I’ve tried repeatedly to reassure my parents, patiently explaining that we’ll be fine and that Oba is a responsible and capable man who knows how to provide. But despite all my efforts, they’re still worried and anxious. It creates real tension sometimes between them and me, and it weighs on me emotionally. I’m caught between honouring my parents and moving forward with the man I love.

Oba: I know it’s incredibly hard for Deborah to be in this position. But I also can’t and won’t go back into banking just to appease them or ease their concerns. This pastoral calling isn’t a career experiment or a phase I’m going through. This is genuinely what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. 

Right.

Oba: As long as I have the love and support of my wife, I’m not worried about what anyone else thinks. Deborah is the one I’m building a life with. She’s the one who’ll be by my side through everything. If she believes and trusts me, then that’s what matters most. Her family’s concerns are valid, but they’re not the ones living this life; we are.

Deborah: I trust that we’ll be okay financially. I’ve made peace with this path we’re on together.

Let鈥檚 move on. What’s the best thing about being with each other?

Deborah: Oba is consistent and genuine. What you see is what you get. He’s the same person in public as he is in private. He’s kind, thoughtful, and supportive. He makes me feel loved and valued. Even with the family concerns, he’s patient and understanding.

Oba: Deborah is strong and loyal. She stands by me even when it’s difficult. She believes in me when others doubt. She’s smart, she’s beautiful, she challenges me to be better. I’m grateful to have her as my partner.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Deborah: I’d give it a 9. We have a strong relationship built on friendship and genuine love. The only reason it’s not a 10 is because of the external pressure from my family. But that’s not a reflection of what Oba and I have together.

Oba: I’d also say 9. Deborah and I are solid. We’re building something beautiful together.

 *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this聽.

Alex* (26) and Toyosi* (29) met at a vigil one night in 2024.

On this week’s Love Life, they talk about meeting while she was healing from a failed engagement, reconnecting months later after his mother’s death, and navigating a relationship where she wants to be married by 30 but he’s not financially ready to take that step yet.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this聽.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Alex: We met at a church vigil in July 2024. The vigil was happening on my street, and I’d helped the pastor secure the necessary permissions for the venue. Because of my involvement, I wasn’t following the program closely or participating in the prayers. I was mostly walking around, making sure everything was running smoothly. That’s when I saw Toyosi.聽

She was in one corner of the venue, completely absorbed in prayer and crying intensely. I overheard some of her prayer requests, and she was asking God to break the spell of failed marriages in her family. She was pouring her heart out about her fears and her pain. It was a deeply personal, vulnerable moment, and I knew I was invading her privacy by standing there. But I couldn’t help it. I was genuinely intrigued. I wondered why someone who looked so put together, pretty, and articulate would have such heavy prayer requests.

Toyosi: I didn鈥檛 want to attend that particular vigil because I had another one the next day, but my mum encouraged me. She said, 鈥淲e don鈥檛 know where God will answer your prayers.鈥�

I was fresh out of a two-year engagement that had ended badly. It was my first real, serious relationship, and I invested so much time and emotion into it. When it fell apart, I was devastated, sad and depressed. I poured myself heavily into church activities to cope with the pain.聽

This particular vigil was one of those nights where I desperately needed God to calm my mind and heal my heart. I was crying out to Him about my family’s history with broken relationships and my fears about repeating that pattern. I didn’t notice anyone watching me while I prayed. I was completely lost in my conversation with God.

Right. So, at what point did you guys interact?

Alex: I approached her the next morning, introduced myself and tried to make conversation. But I could tell she seemed uncomfortable. I wasn’t sure if it was me or if she just wanted to leave.

Toyosi:  I was worried about my morning breath. We’d been at an overnight vigil, and I hadn’t brushed my teeth yet. And his breath wasn’t exactly pleasant either. It was just an awkward moment all around. But he seemed nice and well-spoken, so I gave him my number.

Screaming. What happened after you exchanged numbers?

Alex: I didn’t reach out for months. Life got very serious very quickly. I lost my mum shortly after we met, and that took a heavy toll on me. I wasn’t in a space to think about anything else, let alone reaching out to someone I’d just met.

Toyosi: I expected him to reach out within the first week or so. When he didn’t, I mentally moved on. I’d told God after my engagement ended that I didn’t want another situation where I’d be the one chasing after a guy. So I left it alone.

Alex: Then, in December 2024, the church had its crossover service for New Year’s Eve at the same location where we first met. I ran into Toyosi again. Honestly, I was actually quite reluctant to say hi to her because I felt guilty. Months had passed, and I hadn’t reached out at all. I thought she might be upset with me or think I was just playing games. I didn’t want it to be awkward or uncomfortable. But she saw me first and greeted me very casually, like it was no big deal, like she wasn’t holding anything against me. I took the greeting as a positive sign and made sure not to sit too far from her during the service. I positioned myself where I could see her and where we could potentially talk afterwards.

Toyosi: At that point,  I’d already moved on from anything with him. So it was just a friendly greeting.

Alex: After the service, I had a moment with her and explained why I hadn’t reached out. I told her about losing my mum and everything that had happened. She was very sympathetic. Over the next few weeks, she started checking on me regularly, asking how I was doing and how I was coping.

Toyosi: Losing a parent is devastating. I could tell he was going through a lot, and I聽 wanted to be there for him as a friend and make sure he was okay. I’d send messages, call sometimes to check in. We鈥檇 spend a lot of time on the phone talking about life and the people we鈥檇 lost. We also got into details about our personal and romantic lives.聽

Was this when you started developing feelings for each other? 

Alex: In a way, yes. But I was hesitant about acting on those feelings. There were several major things holding me back and making me overthink the situation. First, she’d shared with me how she’d just come out of a two-year engagement. I didn’t want to seem like I was taking advantage of her emotional vulnerability during a healing period. I didn’t want her to think I was trying to be a rebound or a distraction from her pain. 

Second, I wasn’t personally ready to marry yet. I wanted a serious, committed relationship with clear intentions, but marriage itself felt far off for me. I needed more time. 

And third, she鈥檚 three years older than me. I wasn’t sure how she’d feel about dating someone younger.

Toyosi: I wouldn鈥檛 say I was exactly developing feelings. I was in a state where I wasn鈥檛 really sure of what I wanted, even though I was praying to God for true love. As we got closer, I knew Alex was interested. These things are obvious even when they aren鈥檛 stated. I was waiting for him to make his move, but I didn’t understand why he was taking so long. But I’d made a vow to God that I wouldn’t chase a man, so I kept quiet and waited.

Curious, when did you finally make your move, Alex?

Alex: I finally summoned the courage in February 2025. I took Toyosi out on Valentine’s Day. We had dinner at a nice restaurant,  and I laid everything out. I started with the age thing 鈥� told her the three-year gap didn’t bother me. Then I told her I wasn’t ready for marriage yet, but I wanted a serious relationship with her. I wanted us to be intentional about building something together.

Toyosi: It was a lot to process in one sitting. The age thing wasn’t an issue for me at all. Alex doesn’t look or act younger than me. He’s mature, and he carries himself well. But the marriage thing was worrisome. I’d just come out of a two-year engagement that went nowhere. I didn’t want to enter another long relationship that would lead to the same dead end. I was 29 years old. I’d always envisioned being married by 30 at the latest. So hearing him say he wasn’t ready for marriage made me pause.

I didn’t give him an answer that day. I needed to think about it.

Right.

Toyosi: I had to weigh everything carefully. On one hand, I genuinely liked Alex. He was kind, thoughtful, and intentional in his approach. He’d been there for me during what was actually a difficult transitional time in my life. On the other hand, I was genuinely scared of wasting more precious time 

I prayed intensely about the situation. I asked God for real clarity and direction. And I also tried to be very realistic and honest with myself about my timeline versus his, and whether those two could align.

Were you guys still spending time together during this period?

Alex: Yes. We kept spending time together and going on dates. I didn’t want to pressure her for an answer, but I also wanted her to see that I was serious, even if I wasn’t ready for marriage.

Toyosi: Those weeks helped me see more of who he was. How he treated me, how consistent he was, how he communicated. It gave me more information to work with.

In April, I said yes. It was kind of out of the blue. We were hanging out, and I just told him I’d thought about everything, and my answer was yes. I wanted to give us a chance.

Alex: I was surprised. I kept asking her why she said yes, what changed her mind, what made her decide. I needed to understand her reasoning.

Toyosi: I was just trusting my gut. I couldn’t explain it logically. I just felt this was the right decision, despite the uncertainty about the timing of marriage.

Sweet. You’ve been together for almost a year now. Tell me about the relationship.

Alex: It’s been good. We’ve had minor differences and arguments here and there, but nothing serious. We communicate well. We’re learning from each other. We’ll be celebrating our one-year anniversary this year.

Toyosi: I’m happy in the relationship. Alex is a good partner. But I do worry sometimes about the marriage timeline. I always envisioned being married by 30. I’ll be turning 30 this year, and we haven’t really broached the topic of marriage seriously since we started dating.

I don’t want to pressure him about marriage. I’m very aware that he told me upfront and very clearly that he wasn’t ready for marriage. And I made an informed decision. I accepted that reality when I said yes to the relationship. 

But now that we’re approaching a full year together and I’m also approaching my 30th birthday, a significant milestone for me, the worry is creeping back. I find myself wondering when exactly he’ll be ready. I wonder if we’re actually on the same page about timing or if we’re years apart in our expectations. I wonder if I’m going to end up in another painful situation where I invest multiple years of my life and emotional energy, and it doesn’t ultimately lead to the marriage I want. These thoughts keep me up at night sometimes.

Have you talked to Alex about this?

Toyosi: Not directly. I drop hints sometimes. But I haven’t sat him down and had a serious conversation about where we’re headed and when.

Alex, are you aware of her concerns?

Alex: I’m aware. I know she’s probably wondering when I’m going to be ready, and I’m getting there. I’m gradually approaching the point where I want to get married. I just need to be a little more financially settled before I can take that step.

Talk about what financial settlement means to you.

Alex: I want to be able to comfortably afford the wedding itself, which can be expensive. I want to handle the engagement process and all the traditional requirements that come with it. And I want to have some decent savings set aside before we start our life together. I don’t want to go into marriage completely broke or struggling financially month to month. I don’t want us to start our marriage stressed about money from day one. 

I’m actively working on building my income streams right now. I’m saving money deliberately. I’m trying to get to a more stable and secure financial place. Once I’m actually there, once I feel comfortable with my financial situation, I’ll be ready to have the marriage conversation seriously and move forward with those plans.

Toyosi: I understand where he’s coming from completely. I genuinely appreciate that he wants to be financially ready and responsible before taking the step into marriage. That shows maturity and planning. But I also really wish we could have more of this kind of detailed conversation together as a couple, instead of hearing about his timeline and thought process secondhand or having to guess what he’s thinking. We mostly scratch the surface, but I鈥檇 appreciate it if we could sit together and openly discuss his specific plan, his realistic timeline, and the financial milestones he’s working toward. That way, I can know what I’m working with. But I guess this is a starting point.

Fair enough. What’s the best thing about being with each other?

Alex: Toyosi is supportive, understanding, and patient. She was there for me during one of the darkest periods of my life. She’s kind, she’s smart, she challenges me to be better. I value her deeply.

Toyosi: Alex is intentional and consistent. He shows up. He communicates. He makes me feel valued and cared for. Even with the uncertainty around the marriage, I feel loved in this relationship.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Alex: I’d give it an 8. We have a strong foundation, we care about each other, and we’re building something good. The only thing keeping it from being higher is the pressure I feel about the marriage timeline and knowing that Toyosi is worried about it.

Toyosi: I’d also say 8. I’m happy with Alex. I love what we have. I just need more clarity about where we’re headed and when.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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Cynthia* (27) and Maleek* (28) are exes who have agreed to remain friends. 

On this week’s Love Life, they talk about the cycle of violence and expensive apologies that marked their relationships, and the reckoning that inevitably followed.

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What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Cynthia: Maleek and I met in 2021 during our HND at a polytechnic in Ogun State. We’d seen each other around in our ND days, but we barely spoke. But that changed in 2021 after I attended a friend’s birthday party at Maleek’s apartment. That was the first time we actually interacted.

Maleek: The party was my earliest memory of Cynthia. I don鈥檛  remember seeing her on campus before that night 

I allowed my close friends to use my apartment for events like that. I had a big three-bedroom flat all to myself, so why not? I mostly kept to myself in school, but I was generous with the people in my cycle. That birthday party was when I first noticed Cynthia.

She wasn’t really playful. Everyone else was loud, dancing, drinking, and being over the top. But Cynthia was calm and reserved. That drew me to her. At the time, I had several girls I was talking to, but none of them was a serious girlfriend. They were all too extroverted for my liking, and obviously interested in my money and what I could do for them. Something about Cynthia’s calm demeanour made me feel like she was different. Like she could be the one I’d take seriously. I approached her, and we talked briefly. Before she left, I asked for her number. 

Cynthia: I didn’t really want to give him, to be honest. I wasn’t sure what I was getting into. But I didn’t want to seem rude, since I was in his house at a party he was gracious enough to host. So I gave him my number and figured I’d see where it went.

What happened next?

Maleek: We started talking on the phone regularly. I’m very direct, so I didn’t waste time. I told her I was interested in her and wanted us to date. I started throwing gifts at her, sending her money, taking care of things for her. That’s how I am. If I like someone, I show it through my actions and my resources.

Cynthia: I didn’t mind it, honestly. I’d been looking for a boyfriend like that, someone who had money and could take care of me. Things weren鈥檛 exactly rosy at home, and I couldn鈥檛 do some of the things my friends were doing for money. 

Maleek was very generous, and I appreciated it. We started dating in late 2021, and the first year was actually good. He was attentive, sweet, and took care of me financially, and we enjoyed each other’s company. 

Seems you both moved things around pretty fast. Curious, did you ask questions about his finances, Cynthia?

Cynthia: I didn鈥檛 need to. As we got closer, I realised that he came from money. He also wasn鈥檛 dependent on his parents鈥� wealth. Maleek was always doing multiple things, from trading forex to selling gadgets. His mum, who works with the government,  also had high-paying side gigs for him. It was easy to say yes once I realised he earned from legitimate sources. 

Maleek: I wasn鈥檛 bothered about the assumptions people made about my lifestyle. People will always talk, and I鈥檝e learned to be fine with that.

Right. So how did things progress over time?

Cynthia: In the second year of the relationship, I started spending more time at Maleek’s apartment. I was basically living there part-time. And that’s when I started noticing red flags that I’d missed. He was extremely jealous of everything. He had serious, deep-rooted trust issues. He always wanted to know who I was talking to, where I was going, who I was with, and what time I’d be back. He’d look through my phone without asking for permission, scrolling through my messages, checking my call logs, and looking at my social media interactions. He’d question me intensely about male classmates and friends. If I mentioned a guy’s name even in passing, he’d want to know who the person was, how I knew them, and why I was talking to them. It became suffocating. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like I was being monitored constantly.

Maleek: I had trust issues, yes. I still do, to some extent. But I’m working on them. I just felt like the girls in my school couldn’t be fully trusted. They have many options  鈥� too many guys trying to get their attention at every turn. On campus, in class, at parties, online. Everywhere you look, there’s someone trying to talk to and get close to them. I wanted to make sure Cynthia wasn’t playing me or entertaining other men behind my back. I didn’t want to be the fool who trusted completely and then got betrayed. So I watched her closely.

Hmmm.

Cynthia: It got so bad that Maleek hit me during some of those arguments. The first time it happened, I was completely shocked. I didn’t expect it from him at all. I couldn’t reconcile the sweet version of him with the person who was now hitting me. I threatened to leave immediately. I told him I wouldn’t tolerate it. And he came back crying and begging within hours. He apologised profusely,  swearing he didn’t know what came over him and promising it would never happen again. And then he spoiled me with gifts and money to make up for it. Expensive bags, shoes, money, whatever I wanted, and I forgave him. I convinced myself it was a one-time mistake.

Then it happened again. And again. It became a cycle. We’d argue, he’d hit me, I’d threaten to leave, he’d cry and beg and buy me expensive things, and I’d stay. By the time we got to our final year, I had emotionally checked out of the relationship. But I was still physically there. I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe it was the money, fear or a combination of both.

Maleek, had she given you any reason to suspect anything? 

Maleek: Honestly, she has always been faithful. I didn鈥檛 see it because I guess I also had the wrong set of friends. Cynthia is pretty and light-skinned. They鈥檒l always tell me it wasn鈥檛 possible that I was her only guy. Some of them would also randomly hit me up whenever they saw her hanging out with a male coursemate. It was crazy.

I was immature at the time. I didn’t know how to handle my emotions or my insecurities. I thought I could control the situation through jealousy and aggression, but all I did was push her away and hurt her. 

Cynthia, when did you finally leave?

Cynthia: I broke up with him after we graduated in early 2024. I had had enough of the emotional and physical abuse. I couldn’t do it anymore. I told him it was over, and I meant it this time. But he didn’t move on.

Maleek: I wanted another chance. I kept calling her, asking to see her, trying to convince her that I’d changed. And surprisingly, she entertained some of it. She’d pick up my calls and sometimes agree to hang out. I thought maybe there was still hope for us.

Why did you still entertain him, Cynthia?

Cynthia: I don’t know. Maybe I felt guilty, or maybe I still cared about him in some twisted way. But I was clear that we weren’t getting back together. I just wanted to maintain a friendship or cordial relationship. But after we both left school and returned to Lagos, we barely spoke. In a way, I thought that phase was finally over, and I could move on. But I was wrong.

Why? What happened?

Cynthia: Fast forward to NYSC in 2024. We ended up in the same state for NYSC. It was strange seeing him again in a new place, but since we ended on a fairly cordial note, it wasn鈥檛 entirely awkward.

Because Maleek had money, he was able to settle down quickly and comfortably. Within the first few weeks, he’d found a decent place to stay, furnished it properly, got everything sorted, and was living comfortably. I, on the other hand, was still trying to manage and figure things out. My accommodation wasn’t great at all. I was in a cramped space that I shared with another corps member. I was struggling financially because my allowance wasn’t enough to cover everything I needed. And I was still finding my footing in the new environment.

Because of that, I started visiting Maleek again. It was easier to go to his place, where things were comfortable, than to stay in my cramped space. We started hanging out more frequently.

Maleek: Seeing her again was probably the best thing that happened to me. I was actually supposed to serve in Lagos, but my plug messed up. He was going to work on my redeployment, but I halted the arrangement after I saw Cynthia. I never shared this with her. It was just a decision I made after I realised she had no plans to redeploy. In a way, I still felt responsible for her.

When she started visiting, I thought maybe this was our second chance. I’d try to initiate things and rekindle what we had, but she declined. She insisted we should just be friends. I tried to respect that, but it was hard because of my feelings for her.

Curious, Cynthia. Did you think it was safe to be around him, considering the past?

Cynthia: It wasn鈥檛, and I sometimes blame myself for getting carried away, because the same thing from our school days happened again.

One day, I went out with another male friend,  a corps member I’d met during orientation camp. We hung out to get food, talk about experiences so far, and have a good time. When he dropped me off later that evening, I asked him to drop me at Maleek’s place because I planned to spend time there and maybe stay the night, since my own place was uncomfortable. I didn’t think anything of it. But when the guy’s car pulled up outside Maleek’s building, and I got out, Maleek was outside. He was immediately furious.

Maleek: Seeing her laughing with another guy who felt comfortable enough to drop her off at my place triggered everything I’d been trying to suppress. I felt disrespected and betrayed, like she was throwing it in my face.

Cynthia: I tried to explain calmly that he was just a friend, but he wasn’t listening. He’d already decided what had happened. And then he hit me. We weren’t even dating anymore; we’d been broken up for over a year, and he hit me.

This time, I fought back. We got into a physical altercation so loud that neighbours came out and intervened. They separated us, and I left his place immediately. But I was so angry that I reported him to the police the next morning. I told them everything that happened, and then they went to arrest Maleek.

Maleek: I was briefly detained. They came to my place, brought me in, questioned me for hours about what happened, about my relationship with Cynthia, about the allegations she’d made. They warned me sternly about the consequences of domestic violence. They told me I needed to stay far away from Cynthia and stop harassing her. It was humiliating being there, and I couldn鈥檛 believe Cynthia would take it that far. They released me later that same day with a very stern warning to leave her alone completely, but I didn鈥檛. 

Why?

Maleek: The moment I was released, I went straight to look for Cynthia at her place. I know it sounds absolutely crazy, but I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was still in denial about the seriousness of the situation. I wanted to apologise face-to-face鈥擨 needed her to know I was genuinely sorry for my actions. I thought that if I could just talk to her and explain myself, she’d understand.

I see. 

Cynthia: When he showed up, my flatmates didn’t let him anywhere near me. They’d already heard what happened the night before. They were protective and concerned for my safety. They made sure he couldn’t get to my door or try to talk to me. Some of them even threatened to call the police again if he didn’t leave immediately. I appreciated that so much because I didn’t want to see him at all. I needed space from him. 

Thankfully, we barely saw each other for the rest of NYSC. We both finished our service year and returned to Lagos without crossing paths.

Fair enough. So when did you reconnect?

Cynthia: Late 2025. We ran into each other at a mutual friend’s wedding in Lagos. I saw him from across the reception hall, and he looked genuinely different from the last time I’d seen him. I watched him from a distance for a bit, and then, for some reason I can’t fully explain, I went over to say hi. I don’t know exactly why I did it. We did some small talk about how we’d been and what we’d been up to.

Maleek: I was surprised when she came to talk to me. I thought she’d avoid me forever after everything that happened. But she seemed open, so we exchanged numbers again and agreed to keep in touch.

What’s your relationship like now?

Cynthia: We talk occasionally, maybe once every few months. Nothing deep or intense, just friendly check-ins. I’m also dating someone else now, and Maleek knows that. I’ve told him about my current relationship. I’ve moved on completely, and I’m in a much healthier place mentally and emotionally. 

Maleek: I’m still single. I’m focused on relocating abroad right now, so I’m not really actively looking for a relationship. But I’m glad Cynthia and I can at least be cordial after everything that happened between us. I’m glad she’s moved on and found happiness with someone who treats her better than I did. I’ve done a lot of serious self-reflection since everything happened, and I’ve worked hard on myself. I’m not the same person I was back then. 

Looking back, what do you wish you’d done differently?

Maleek: I wish I trusted her more and didn鈥檛 listen to my 鈥渇riends鈥�. They didn鈥檛 mean well with all their side comments, disguised as concern for me. I also have better control of my emotions now.

Cynthia: I wish I’d left the very first time things got physical. I wish I’d valued myself more from the beginning and recognised immediately that no amount of financial comfort or material things is worth your physical safety or your mental peace. 

Do you think you guys will ever be in a relationship again?

Cynthia: Not romantically. I’m content with us being friends from a distance.

Maleek: I agree. What we had is in the past. I respect where she is now and her decision to move on. 

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Cynthia: Maybe a 3. There were good moments, especially in the beginning. But the bad far outweighed the good. 

Maleek: I’d say a 4. I cared about her, and I tried in my own flawed way. But I let my insecurities get the best of me.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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