Deola* (32) and Demilade* (32) have been best friends since they were kids. 

However, what started as excitement over her childhood best friend鈥檚 wedding quickly turned into a series of demands, expensive obligations, and hurtful words she couldn鈥檛 ignore. In this week鈥檚 Sunken Ships, Deola shares how being a maid of honour cost her more than money.

What spelt the end of your friendship with Demilade?

The way she spoke to me during her wedding planning after I had spent a large amount on wedding prep was what pushed our friendship downhill.

That鈥檚 sad. How did you meet?

We basically grew up together. Her mother and mine were school friends, and so we spent a lot of time together as kids and eventually became friends. We attended the same secondary school and became even closer.

What was your friendship with Demilade like?

It was great. We were like sisters. We told each other everything, and we always had each other鈥檚 backs in school. Even when we went to different universities, we remained close.

What changed?

In 2023, Demilade got engaged, and we began planning for her wedding the next April. Of course, I was to be her maid of honour. Everything was going great at first, then she started going overboard.

What do you mean?

Demilade was particular about how she wanted her wedding to go and, most especially, how she wanted it to look. She became demanding and started making unreasonable requests. Some of these requests were expensive, but if anyone complained, she would threaten to kick them off the bridal train.

Ah, that鈥檚 wild.

There鈥檚 more. She told me I would have to pay for a custom pair of shoes and use an expensive tailor of her choice for my dress. Just paying for my dress, shoes and makeup cost over 鈧�200k. I took it all in stride because it鈥檚 a once-in-a-lifetime event, and I wanted to do anything I could to make my best friend鈥檚 day special. 

What happened after that?

A month to the wedding, she reached out, saying she wanted to throw a bridal shower. Usually, the bridesmaids plan the shower for the bride, but Demilade insisted on doing it herself. Instead of planning it, she wanted us to contribute the money. That wouldn鈥檛 have been an issue if she hadn鈥檛 billed each of us another 鈧�120k for it.

Whoa. How did you react?

I was honest with her. I told her I didn鈥檛 have the money. It was too far out of my budget, considering what I had already spent on wedding expenses. I told her I would miss the bridal shower but support them however they needed me to.

How did she take your refusal?

She got upset and kicked me out of the wedding planning WhatsApp group. She then messaged me privately to tell me off for being a bad friend. She said she was disappointed in me because my absence would throw off the aesthetic she was going for. She also insulted me, saying she wished she hadn鈥檛 put a miser on her bridal train. I couldn鈥檛 believe it. 

What did you do after that?

I got upset and sent my mum a screenshot of our chat. She advised me not to react, so it wouldn鈥檛 look like I wished her ill during her wedding. So I held my tongue till after the wedding, but that was when I knew our friendship was over.

How did the wedding go?

It was a beautiful event. No one would have guessed that I had checked out of the friendship. I threw myself into my maid of honour duties. I wanted there to be no doubt that I did my part. After the festivities were over, I sent her a congratulatory message and soft-blocked her everywhere.

Did she try to talk to you after the wedding?

Yes, she sent me a WhatsApp message asking why I had soft-blocked her. I didn鈥檛 respond. She then tried to emotionally blackmail me by asking our mothers to intervene.

How did that go?

I turned down their attempts to reconcile us. I didn鈥檛 feel comfortable in our friendship any more. 

Have you spoken to her at all since then?

I haven鈥檛 spoken to her since her wedding. Thankfully, she moved to another state with her husband, so I haven鈥檛 run into her since then either.

Do you miss her?

All the time. Walking away from our friendship was painful, but it鈥檚 gotten better with time.

Would you rekindle your friendship with her if given the chance?

I don鈥檛 think so. I鈥檓 not interested in being friends with someone who鈥檚 that obsessed with optics.

Growing up together with an abusive relative, Omolabake* (44) and her brother, Olamide* (41), bonded over their shared suffering. After they escaped, they swore never to send their children to live with relatives who treat them poorly.聽However, years later, Omolabake’s son had to move in with Olamide for school, and their relationship began to unravel.

For Sunken Ships, Labake shares the incident that ruined her close relationship with her brother and why she decided to cut him off.

When did you realise your relationship with your brother was over?

When I got evidence of the terrible way my brother was treating my son, I knew we would never see eye to eye again.

Let鈥檚 start from the beginning. What was growing up like for you?

It was hard. I spent my early childhood in a village in Ondo with my four siblings. When we reached the age for secondary school, we were sent off to live with different relatives who helped pay our fees. In turn, we did chores and ran errands for them. My younger brother and I were sent to live with the same strict aunt.

How did that influence your relationship with your brother?

That experience made us close. Our aunt was wicked and treated us badly. Beatings and cruel punishments were always on the table. We bonded over our suffering with her and swore that when we had our own kids, we wouldn鈥檛 send them to live with relatives who would treat them poorly.

Totally fair. How did you guys escape your wicked aunt?

After we graduated, I moved back home to Ondo and got married, while my brother moved to Lagos and settled down there. 

Did the distance affect your relationship?

No, we were the closest to each other among all our siblings. We kept in touch by phone and visited each other often.

What led to your conflict?

Despite my promise to myself to never send my children to live with relatives, things didn鈥檛 go as planned. In 2021, my first son was admitted to Unilag and needed a place to stay. Getting him accommodation was expensive, and I complained about it to my brother on the phone. He immediately offered to house him.

That was nice of him. How did you respond?

I jumped at his offer. I thought it would be great for my son to spend a few years with his uncle and his family. It was cheaper, and I knew he would be with someone I trusted. I was even willing to send over money to cover his upkeep, but my brother refused.

Where did things go wrong?

At first, everything was fine. My son did chores and went to school from home. But a few months into his stay, he complained to my brother about the number of chores that were assigned to him. He told him it was becoming difficult to balance the chores with his schoolwork.

What did your brother say?

He became angry. He called my son lazy, saying that he did more chores when we grew up with my aunt, and it never affected his schooling.

Ah. What happened after that?

In early 2022, my son couldn鈥檛 wash my brother鈥檚 car before heading to class. As punishment, my brother beat him. Ordinarily, I鈥檓 not against discipline when it鈥檚 needed, but did he want to kill my child for me? He beat my son like an animal. My son sent me a photo of all the welts and marks on his body from the beating.

Oh no. What did you do when you saw that?

It felt like my head was going to explode with anger. The next day, I took a bus to Lagos to get my child back and to confront my brother.

How did that go?

It became a shouting match. My brother refused to see that what he had done was wrong. He claimed I was being too soft on my son. That made me angrier because I know he would never accept it if someone else did that to his child.

What happened after that?

I paid through the nose for a private room in a hostel for my son and took him away from that house. I reported my brother to our siblings and let them know I was distancing myself from him. 

Did they try to intervene?

Yes, they did, but my brother鈥檚 lack of remorse kept the rift between us.

Did he ever reach out to apologise?

Not once. He has kept to himself since I confronted him in Lagos.

Would you ever consider reconciling with him if he apologised?

No. He鈥檚 no better than the wicked aunt who maltreated us. I don鈥檛 want anything to do with him.

Ginika* (24) spent the first thirteen years of her life believing she was Bolanle, the last child of a poor family living in a Lagos slum. Unbeknownst to her, her biological parents were alive and well.

For Sunken Ships, Ginika recalls her early childhood, reconnecting with her parents after more than a decade and why she has decided to cut both of them off.

Tell me about your relationship with your parents.

My relationship with my parents is complex. On one hand, when I was abandoned, living with a different family for the first thirteen years of my life, I yearned and wished for parents of my own. But after escaping that place and reuniting with them, I no longer want to have anything to do with them.

Whoa. Let鈥檚 go back to the beginning.

My parents’ relationship has always been tumultuous. My mum got pregnant when she was 18. My dad was in his 30s and had told her he wanted to settle down but wasn鈥檛 making any serious moves. Afraid of the way her strict family would react, and that my dad would leave her stranded, she tried to abort it with pills she got from a friend鈥檚 mum. 

How did that go for her?

It didn鈥檛 work, obviously. When she found out a few months later that she was still pregnant despite her attempts, she knew she had to keep it.

How did her family react when she told them about you?

She kept the pregnancy hidden until she delivered, then showed up at her house with a baby. Her parents were deeply disappointed with her and sent her away from home. They also stopped sending her money in the middle of her pre-degree program. They were especially harsh on her because it had happened before.

What do you mean?

Her older sister had also gotten pregnant young and out of wedlock. My grandparents had looked to my mum as their 鈥榝inal hope鈥� and wanted her to complete her education. Only for her to surprise them with a baby out of wedlock.

I see. How did your dad react when your mum told him that she was keeping the baby?

She made him believe that she had found a way to get rid of the pregnancy, so he didn鈥檛 even know that I existed.聽

That鈥檚 wild. When did your mum finally tell you about him?

I didn鈥檛 physically meet my mum until I was 14. She didn鈥檛 tell me anything.

Ah! Please explain.

When my mum鈥檚 abortion attempts didn鈥檛 pan out, she had me right before her pre-degree exams. She wanted to focus on them, so she begged her friend鈥檚 mum, a midwife, to care for me for two weeks while she finished her school year.

How old were you when she dropped you off?

I was thirteen days old. She never came back after her exams. She left me there in a Lagos slum with that family, and I grew up thinking I was one of them.

That鈥檚 so crazy. What was living with that family like?

I wasn鈥檛 treated with any kindness while I lived with them. One of their greatest offences is erasing my Igbo heritage. They changed my name from Ginika to Bolanle*, so I grew up thinking I was Yoruba and the last child of their family. I didn鈥檛 know my biological parents even existed. Another is how much they sedated me.

Sedated you? What do you mean?

My mother often came to visit the family. Each time she did, the matriarch would inject me with a sedative so I wouldn鈥檛 be awake during the visit. They made sure I never set eyes on my mum. I didn鈥檛 know anything about her. I thought I got so many injections because I was sick.

Omo. Did your grandparents or extended family try to come for you?

Yes, when I was still a baby. But the family taking care of me refused to let me go. The midwife claimed that I had health issues that needed to be closely monitored because of my mum鈥檚 abortion attempts. Eventually, they kept lying that I was with my mum or that I had travelled with a caretaker, so my grandparents gave up on taking me back.

Wow. How did your dad find out about you?

He reconnected with my mum on Facebook in 2013, two days after my 13th birthday. He was shocked to learn he had a daughter and insisted on speaking with me. My mum told him to reach out to the family I was staying with, and he did. It wasn鈥檛 easy.

Why was it difficult?

I don鈥檛 know why, but they were determined to keep me from knowing any family but theirs. It was a greedy uncle who finally got me on a phone call with my dad after taking a bribe.

What was that first connection with your dad like?

I was on top of the world. I finally had a dad, someone who would protect me if I asked. I told him how they barely fed me and didn鈥檛 let me go to school, and he promised to take me away from there. Ten days after he made that promise, he came to get me.

That must have been a relief.

At first, it was. But it was as if I went from being a house girl in one house to continuing in another. My dad was married and had my half-sister, whom I adore. I wasn’t enrolled in school. I spent my days cooking, cleaning, and taking care of his child. His wife made me call her mummy from day one, and when the baby I’d spent all my time caring for started calling me 鈥榤ama鈥�, she complained. It wasn鈥檛 ideal.

When did you finally meet your mum? 

I met her for the first time eighteen months after I met my dad. He said he couldn’t afford my school fees, and my mom offered to pay, but only if I moved in with her in Kwara. 

What was it like meeting her after all that time had passed?

It was surreal. I was excited to meet her, but also angry that she had abandoned me so easily. I found out that she had someone who wanted to marry and also had a son. 

What was it like living with her? 

She introduced me to her prospective husband as her sister’s daughter and warned me to call her “auntie” in front of him. He was kind at first, but when he eventually found out the truth that I was her daughter, he turned cold toward me. Their relationship ended shortly after that, and she blamed me.

Would you say things improved after your parents came back into your life?

Yes and no. It was great to have my own family members and identity, but they didn鈥檛 treat me much better than the family I grew up with. My education was placed on the back burner, and they used me as a free caretaker for my half-siblings. I had to do many things to make money for myself, and that took a toll on my mental health.

Like what?

I鈥檝e taken all sorts of gigs. I donated my eggs for 鈧�150k, which was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I鈥檝e travelled interstate to cook on the weekend for families for peanuts, all to keep body and soul together. In 2023, I decided to prioritise myself and my health.

Did you ever get to continue your education?

Someone offered to sponsor me through school while I was in Kwara, but my mum turned down the offer because she didn鈥檛 want me to parade myself as a poor child. I鈥檝e taken matters into my own hands now by saving up for a cybersecurity course.

What’s your relationship with your parents like today? 

Distant. I don鈥檛 speak to either of them anymore. I鈥檓 tired of being used as a housegirl or an emotional weapon. They鈥檝e shown with their actions that they only care for me when it鈥檚 convenient, and I don鈥檛 want that kind of inconsistency in my life.

Do you live with either of them?

No, I had to move out of my dad鈥檚 place in 2017 when his wife became increasingly abusive to me. Instead of defending me, my dad beat me to please his wife. I didn鈥檛 go back to my mum鈥檚 place because she claimed I loved my dad more than her, and that made us argue often. I live by myself in Ibadan now.

What does that look like for you right now? 

I’m figuring things out as I go. I want to travel, build a career, and see how far I can get on my own. 

How long has it been since you鈥檝e been in contact with your parents?

It鈥檚 been more than two years since I鈥檝e reached out to them. I speak with my half-siblings because I love them, but I don鈥檛 have anything to say to my parents.

Do you want children of your own someday? 

Honestly, no. I was made to take on a caretaker role too young, and I don’t want to repeat that. Maybe I’ll meet someone who changes my mind, but I’m not holding my breath.

Would you like for your kids to meet your parents? 

Absolutely not. If I have any children, they’re not meeting either of my parents. I want to build them a life without stress or the kind of inconsistencies I had to deal with growing up.

*Names have been changed to protect identities

Jonah* (38) grew up terrified of Joseph (42) and his unpredictable anger. 

For Sunken Ships, he shares what it was like growing up with a sibling who was allowed to discipline him, and why he cut Joseph off completely a decade ago.

At what point did you realise you were done with your relationship with your brother?

The last time he beat me up. I decided at that moment that I couldn鈥檛 allow someone so violent to have access to me.

Whoa. That鈥檚 awful. What was growing up with your brother like?

It was unpredictable. Being the firstborn, he was the next authority after our parents. He was allowed to disciple my two siblings and me, and he relished it. One second, we鈥檇 be laughing together, and the next, he鈥檇 be pummeling me into the ground for looking at him the wrong way. I was terrified of him.

That must have strained your relationship.

Yes, it did. By my mid-teens, I became withdrawn and always felt on edge. It was like living with a ticking bomb. I would only interact with my brother when it was necessary because I was afraid of setting him off. 

Did you ever tell your parents about this?

Yes, I did, but they didn鈥檛 take it seriously. To them, my older brother had the authority to discipline us, and they blindly trusted that he was using his power responsibly.

At what point did you realise your dynamic with Joseph wasn鈥檛 normal?

I knew my relationship with Joseph was weird when I went to university and saw how my peers and their older siblings interacted. I was one of the few people who was afraid of my older brother.

Did things change when you both became adults?

No, in fact, they became worse. When my dad passed away in 2010, Joseph became 鈥渢he man of the house鈥�, and my mum allowed him to have the final say on any decisions. If my siblings or I ever stepped out of line, she would report us to Joseph, who would punish us how he saw fit. The power went to his head, and this eventually led me to cut him off.

Tell me about that.

It happened in 2016. I was 28 and had just moved back home to Lagos for a new job. That day, I had gone out for drinks with some friends and didn鈥檛 get back home till 10:00 pm. I got home to find an angry Joseph, who felt I should have told him I would be out late. I apologised and promised to do so next time, but that wasn鈥檛 enough for Joseph.

What did he want?

He told me to kneel in the living room till he released me. I thought it was ridiculous, so I didn鈥檛 do it. Instead, I went to my room. I had just gotten into bed when Joseph barged into my room and started beating me. 

Whoa.

I tried my best to defend myself and punched him. It only made him angrier. It was so bad that my mum had to separate us. I couldn鈥檛 sleep that night because of the pain. The next morning, I packed a few of my things and went to stay with a friend because I couldn鈥檛 stand being in the same house with him any longer.

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What happened after that?

My mum called a family meeting and tried to force a reconciliation. She tried to make me apologise to him as the younger brother, but I told her firmly that I wasn鈥檛 going to. I wanted nothing to do with Joseph after that fight, and I made it clear to her.

How did the rest of your family take your decision?

My mum was sad and said I was breaking up the family my father had left behind. My younger siblings, on the other hand, fully support my decision. They had also grown weary of Joseph鈥檚 violence and overbearing personality. I have avoided interacting with him since that 2016 meeting.

Did Joseph ever try to reach out to you to reconcile?

He鈥檚 reached out a few times over the years, but I have ignored or turned him down each time. 

Why?

He doesn鈥檛 want us to find new ways to navigate our relationship. He just wants to continue the authoritarian one we used to have, and I鈥檓 not interested.

What鈥檚 your siblings’ relationship with Joseph now?

My youngest brother is the only one who still talks to Joseph. My younger sister and I haven鈥檛 spoken to him in years.

Do you think there鈥檚 ever a chance for reconciliation?

No. I don鈥檛 think he has changed at all, and I refuse to have that kind of violence in my life.

Amara* (25) has had only two close female friendships in her life. The pain and harm she suffered from these have left her feeling raw, used and unappreciated. 

For Sunken Ships, she shares how both friendships unfolded, the scars they left behind and why she鈥檚 holding off on making new friends.

Let’s start from the very beginning. What was it like making friends growing up?

It was difficult. I was always the third wheel. You know how those trios work: two people are actually best friends, and I鈥檇 just be there to fill the space. So when I finally had my own person, someone I could call my best friend, I was very excited. 

When was this?

It was in 2017. I was sixteen, and we met as we transitioned to university.

How did your friendship with her go?

I thought our friendship was solid at first, but something about our dynamic was off from the beginning. I just couldn’t see it because of my excitement. She took on an older-sister role, even though she was only a year older than me. I let her.

Did you guys have any issues??

Yes. She was often condescending and outright rude, but I would swallow it because I was terrified of losing her friendship. So I kept quiet, and the resentment just kept building beneath the surface.

When was the last straw for you?

We were both trying to get into university that same year. I told her all my plans; my applications, my choices and more. She was very surface-level with her own information, but I didn’t notice. Then one day, my brother’s friend came to me and said, 鈥滺ave you seen Ayo鈥檚* matriculation picture?鈥� 

I was like, what do you mean, matriculation picture?

 She had gotten into school and said nothing to me. I found out from an outsider.

Whoa, that must have stung.

It hurt me deeply. I had literally texted her the week before, 鈥淚 checked my portal and nothing yet, do you think we should find someone to help us?鈥�

 I was worried about us both. This girl had blocked me from her WhatsApp status so I wouldn’t see the news. That was when I understood I was in that friendship alone.

Did you confront her about it?

No, I just withdrew. I know she noticed, but she didn’t care enough to ask what was wrong. She let me drift away. That was my first friendship heartbreak.

How did you deal with it?

I threw myself into sorting out my admission to keep from sitting with how heartbroken I was. I had a boyfriend, and that relationship helped ease the pain. I eventually moved on to another friendship with Jemi*, but I will never forget how it felt.

I鈥檓 so sorry. How did your friendship with Jemi start?

I met her in 2018 at a hangout at my parents’ house. She visited with her cousin one evening, and we got into an interesting debate. She’s very smart, and I thought I had finally found someone on my level. We connected over that argument and kept talking from there.

What was your friendship with her like?

Unfortunately, our friendship followed the same pattern as my friendship with Ayo. I found myself sliding into that older-sister, younger-sister dynamic again. I hated it.

Did you try to speak to her about it?

No. I was a people pleaser, so I found it difficult to talk about my issues with Jemi. I stomached it throughout our uni days. I didn鈥檛 want to lose her friendship, but her wicked actions eventually drove us apart.

Tell me about that.

After uni, I got a job in Lagos. Jemi suggested I stay with her at her place because I would鈥檝e been commuting from far, and it would be too expensive. 

Living with her was nice at first, then it became awful. She had terrible mood swings and would randomly give me the silent treatment for days without explanation. I remember once she came home from work upset, I was trying to cheer her up, and she yelled at me. 

Ah, how did you react?

I didn’t say anything. I pulled back and waited for her to apologise. Four days passed, and she didn鈥檛 say a word to me;  no good morning, nothing. My chest was tight the whole time. I had to be the bigger person and surprise her with a gift at her job to make peace.

Hm. Did things between you get better after that?

No, in fact, they got worse. Being friends with Jemi was an emotional rollercoaster. She constantly lashed out at me and left me hanging.

Can you recall an incident where she did this?

Yes, her then-boyfriend had sent money for us to celebrate her birthday in 2021. I never leave the house without vex money;that’s a personal rule, but she assured me she had everything covered. We went to this restaurant on the island, and the place accidentally debited her account three times. Everything, including our transport money back home, was gone. I tried to help us find a solution, but her mood shifted, and she left me there.

She abandoned you at the restaurant?

Yes, o. I was stranded in a place I didn’t know, no data to call anyone, no idea which direction to even start walking. Even the bouncer at the restaurant could see how distressed I was. He came over and warned me that the area was sketchy, and I stood there trying not to cry as I asked for directions to a bus stop.

Omo, that’s crazy. Did she come back for you?

Eventually, yes. She called, apologised and said she’d called us an Uber. I was already on the road by then, trekking home and shaking with anger. I started mentally checking out of the friendship from that day. 

The only reason I stayed was that I had just ended a 4-year relationship and was terrified of being alone. She knew that I had nobody else.

Did her attitude improve after that incident?

No, in fact, her mood swings got worse. One Sunday, she went to church, came back with her aunt, whom she’d spoken highly of. It was the first time I was meeting this woman, and she didn’t introduce us or say a word to me. 

That鈥檚 weird.

Right? Both of them just sat there, completely ignoring me. I put my earphones in and started listening to music, humming quietly to myself. Then the aunt tapped me and said I was making noise. To my surprise, my best friend backed her.

Ah. How did you react to that?

I got up, left the house, and went for a three-hour walk. When I came back, she still didn鈥檛 speak to me. So, I packed my things and returned home for a while.

She called me a week later and said she鈥檇 missed me. She said she wanted us to start a digital marketing agency together, and that she’d move into my place and pay her share of everything. I agreed and convinced myself we could rebuild our rapport.

What happened after this?

I lost my life savings in a Ponzi scheme in December 2021. It was on Christmas Day, and I was desolate. I was literally on the floor crying, but what did my friend do? She gave me the silent treatment and then left with a friend to celebrate the festivities.

Omo, that鈥檚 wild.

It got even wilder. After that, we had a small disagreement, and she left the house without a word. Two days later, she came back with her younger sister and packed everything out of that house. Even my pot of beans, which was sitting on her gas cooker, wasn鈥檛 spared; she took the cooker and left the pot on the floor.

That鈥檚 crazy!

I felt so tired of life. I was jobless, I鈥檇 just been scammed, had no income, and she stripped the house of everything. I was so lost in my head that I almost walked onto a main road without even realising it. A woman selling fruits by the roadside had to pull me back from the traffic. That’s when I knew how far gone I was.

Was this the final straw in your relationship with her?

No, we reconciled after she reached out to me a few days later. One weekend in 2022, she suggested I spend a weekend at her friend’s place because they had constant power. I needed the stability for a discovery call with a potential client for our marketing agency, so I agreed. 

What happened there?

She had lied that he鈥檇 be travelling that weekend, but he was there along with his two roommates. I didn’t want to be demanding, so I just sat with it and hoped it would sort itself out. That night, she and the guy went into his room, and I was left on the couch in the parlour, by myself, in a house full of men I didn’t know.

That’s scary.

Exactly! I have a history of sexual assault, so I was already anxious. I kept fighting off sleep because I didn’t feel safe. When I eventually dozed off, I woke up to one of the men touching me inappropriately. When I sat up, scared, he walked back to his room. I sat there alone in the dark, shaking.

Gosh, I鈥檓 so sorry. Did you tell Jemi in the morning?

After she left for work the next morning, I texted her and told her what happened. She was upset. She came back, confronted him on my behalf, and he apologised. But it didn鈥檛 mean much to me, that’s medicine after death.

What did she do after that?

She sent me home with bus fare, and on the way, she texted to say she’d send me 鈧�30,000 naira for the client work. This was a 鈧�300,000 naira deal. I texted back and told her to keep it. The danfo driver literally became my comforter because I was crying the whole way home. When I got in, I wrote her one last message. I told her I was releasing everything, not out of bitterness, but for my peace of mind. I blocked her right after.

Were you guys ever in contact after that?

No. However, a year later, my brother showed me a picture on Instagram. She and the guy 鈥� the one at whose house everything happened 鈥� were dating. It was like a gut punch. I鈥檓 so glad that era is over.

How have these experiences affected the way you approach friendships now?

Honestly, it’s a no-go area. I’ve met genuinely good people, but there’s a wall I can’tbring down. I keep things surface-level, which is sad, because I used to dream of having a real best friend. The fantasy of one person who knows you completely, and who celebrates every chapter with you. It just hasn’t translated to my real life.

Will you ever give friendships with girls a chance again?

I don鈥檛 know. I鈥檝e been praying about it. Maybe if I find someone who inspires that kind of connection in me again. If not, the loose friendships I have now will be okay.

*Names have been changed for anonymity.

For more than two decades, Ebuka* (29) was one of the most constant people in Ada鈥檚* (28) life as they grew up in the same neighbourhood and shared the same tight-knit friend group. But in 2021, a disagreement about Ada鈥檚 relationship cracked the foundation of their friendship.聽

In this Sunken Ships, Ada shares the argument that revealed the gaps in her friendship with Ebuka, how they handled their disagreement and why she thinks they鈥檙e better off apart.

How did your friendship with Ebuka begin?

We鈥檝e been friends since 2001. We grew up in the same neighbourhood with a tight-knit friend group. All our parents worked at the same place so we had a lot in common.

How would you describe your friendship with him?

It was great while it lasted. We went through every new phase of our lives together from primary school till after university. Our years of playing together and conversations grew a friendship that was full of honesty and support.

When did you notice the cracks in your friendship?

It was in 2021. I had just gotten back together with my long-time boyfriend after a six-month break, and Ebuka didn鈥檛 like that.

Why was he against it?

At the time, I wasn鈥檛 sure why. We had been dating since I was seventeen and he had even become good friends with Ebuka and the rest of our childhood friend group. We initially broke up because he was moving out of the country, but decided to try again when he realised he would be visiting home often.聽

Did you ask Ebuka why he disagreed with your decision?

Yes, I did. He said that my boyfriend wasn鈥檛 good enough for me and that our relationship would probably not work out because of how long we鈥檇 been together. He said I鈥檇 be stupid if I actually rekindled my relationship with my boyfriend. That upset me, and we stopped speaking for a while.

What happened after that fight?

I reached out to him a few days later and asked him to accompany me on a walk to try and talk things through. I made it clear that I didn鈥檛 like the way he spoke about my relationship but I appreciated his honesty. I thought he was worried about me getting hurt, but his reaction made me angrier.

How did he react?

He was very cold. He didn鈥檛 even respond to me at all; he just turned around and walked back to his house. I kept asking where he was going, but he ignored me. I felt very disrespected.

Did you try to speak with him after that?

No, I was too angry but I tried to speak to our other friends about it because I found his behaviour odd.

What did they have to say?

One of them in particular Deola* was surprised. Apparently, he wasn鈥檛 as honest with me as I had thought.

What did you discover?

Apparently, Ebuka had feelings for me that he had kept secret for many years because I had been in a committed relationship since our late teens. According to Deola, he had come clean to her when I was newly single. To him, breaking up with my boyfriend finally gave him the chance to come clean about his feelings, but he was waiting for me to 鈥渉eal鈥� before he brought it up.

How did that make you feel?

I was shocked. He had never treated me differently from any of the other girls in our friend group. He had also dated many other women over the course of our friendship. I never imagined he saw me that way.

What did you do after you found out?

Nothing. I loved Ebuka as a brother and nothing more. Maybe if he had told me about his feelings, we would have been able to discuss the future of our friendship, but his sudden coldness and the way he disrespected me the last time we spoke made me keep to myself.

Did you ever reach out to him after your last disagreement?

No, but he reached out to me after a month or so. We had been seeing each other on the street when we went to work or ran errands, but we hadn鈥檛 said a word to each other. He called me one evening and, after saying hello, he asked, 鈥淎re you and that guy still together?鈥� I said yes, and he hung up immediately. That was when I knew that my friendship with him was completely over. We haven鈥檛 spoken to each other since then.

How has this affected your relationship with your mutual friends?

It鈥檚 a bit awkward when we all hang out together, but it hasn鈥檛 affected my other friendships. I talk to the rest of the group normally. I just don鈥檛 speak with Ebuka anymore.聽

Did the end of your friendship with him make you sad?

Yes, it did, but I was more upset that he would be so rude to me just because we weren鈥檛 on the same page about our feelings. I鈥檓 sure if the tables were turned, I would have treated him more kindly.

Did you tell your boyfriend about what happened?

Yes, I did. He tried to talk to Ebuka, but he also got ignored, so we鈥檝e decided to move on.

Do you think there鈥檚 a chance for you to reconcile with Ebuka if he asks for your forgiveness?

I don鈥檛 think so. My boyfriend and I might get married in the near future. I don鈥檛 believe it鈥檚 wise to maintain a friendship with someone who doesn鈥檛 think highly of my relationship with my chosen partner. Maybe we鈥檙e better apart than as friends.

getting into another serious relationship.

*Names have been changed for anonymity.

When Bidemi*(32) met Ire*(30), he was certain that she was his forever person. That changed when they disagreed about some important parts of their future together.

In this Sunken Ships, Bidemi shares the story of how their love began, the worst breakup of his life and how he鈥檚 slowly putting himself back together.

When did you know your relationship with Ire was over?

I walked into a party in December 2025 with a lady on my arm and saw her there with her new boyfriend. We saw each other and didn鈥檛 say a word to each other the entire night. I hated it.

Whoa. Take me back to the beginning.

I met her at a small art exhibition in Ibadan in 2021. As soon as she walked into the room, I couldn鈥檛 take my eyes off her. I struck up a conversation with her that afternoon, and for the next four years, she became my everything.

Did you guys start dating immediately?

Not officially, I asked her to be my girlfriend three months after we started talking. But I knew from the minute I saw her that I wanted her in my life.

What were the early days of your relationship like?

They were the best days of my life. We started dating not long after we met, but it felt like I had known her all my life. She was sweet, caring and beautiful. It helped that we had the same interests in films, art and food. We spent so much time together that our friend groups merged. Her friends became mine and mine hers.

Wow, that sounds like an amazing connection. Why did things start going awry?

In 2024, we began to disagree about some very important parts of our future together.

Tell me about that.

Within the first year of us being together, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Ire, so we would discuss at length about what we wanted out of life. We agreed on everything. I don’t want kids, and she didn鈥檛 want any either. I鈥檓 not religious, and neither is she. It was perfect.

What changed?

I can鈥檛 pinpoint what changed, but all of a sudden, in our third year together, Ire started talking about having kids when we settled down.

Ah. How did you react to that?

At first, I thought it was a joke, but when I found out she was serious, I became uncomfortable. I come from a very dysfunctional family, and so I have never wanted to have my own children. I pour all that energy towards taking care of my younger siblings. Her situation is similar to mine, so when she initially said she didn鈥檛 want children, I totally understood.

Did you guys have a conversation when she changed her mind?

Yes, we did. I hated it because it was the first time we couldn鈥檛 meet in the middle about an issue. She wanted a child or two, and I didn鈥檛 see myself having the bandwidth to handle even one.

So what did you do?

We shelved the conversation and continued our relationship, but that disagreement sat heavily between us. Over the course of the next year, it became apparent that we had to make a tough decision.

What happened?

We met each other鈥檚 families. Her parents are lovely, and I really enjoyed all the time I spent with them. My mum adored Ire and after that started asking me when we would go and see her people. I think the seriousness of our relationship dawned on Ire then because a few weeks after meeting my mum, in April 2025, she broke up with me.

Whoa.

It hurt so much. She cried, and I cried, but I understood. I wanted to tell her that I would gladly have a child with her if it meant we would stay together, but Ire knows me too well. She would have refused because it鈥檚 not what I really wanted.

Tell me about how you handled the split.

I was a mess for months. I threw myself into work during the week and into alcohol on the weekends. It felt like someone was tearing my heart into little pieces. I had to block her on all our social media because seeing her face online made me so sad.

Do you know how she handled it?

Some of our friends tried to tell me how sad she was, but I didn鈥檛 want to hear about her. It hurt too much.

Did you guys ever talk after that?

She called me on my birthday in August, and it was a hard conversation.

Why?

The sound of her voice brought back so many feelings and memories that I had to stop myself from begging her to come back to me. I cried after that call.

How has healing been since you split?

It鈥檚 been hard. At the beginning, it felt like I was suffocating, but slowly, it started getting easier. Though I held a little hope that we would find each other again one day. But that鈥檚 over too.

Why did you give up hope?

I saw her at a party with someone else in December 2025. I had also come to the party with someone else, and that鈥檚 when I realised that our chapter was over. It felt like we broke up all over again, but I had to accept it.

Would you reconcile with her if you found out you were on the same page again?

In a heartbeat. I have never felt that way about anyone else. I would take that leap any day.

Have you dated anyone since your split?

Only casually. My heart still feels too raw to share it with anyone. I鈥檓 want to take my time to heal before getting into another serious relationship.

*Names have been changed for anonymity.

Hilda* (21) and Dee* (21) met at university. What started as a casual, easy friendship quickly became something Hilda treasured. But when Dee revealed her feelings for Hilda, things between them became complicated.

In this Sunken Ships, Hilda opens up about how they met and how a friendship she cherished unravelled after constant misunderstandings about where they both stood.

When did you realise your friendship with Dee was over?

I woke up one day and saw that she had blocked me on everything. That’s when I knew. It still stings even now.

How did you two meet?

We met in school in 2021. We weren鈥檛 close at first, but we had mutual friends and got closer over time.

What was your friendship like early on?

It was great. When we got closer, we started talking more and hanging out. We texted each other often and got food together. We ended up at the same hostel the next semester, which brought us even closer. Dee quickly became my closest friend.

When did things start to shift between you?

At some point that year, she told me she liked me and made sure I understood that she liked me more than just as a friend.

What did you say?

I told her I didn’t feel that way about her. For me, I liked her a lot, but we were just close friends. I think we both had different understandings of what was going on between us. She probably thought it was heading somewhere romantic. I just thought we were becoming really close.

How did she take your answer?

She said she needed to take a step back from the situation. But then, not long after, she came back and said she was okay with staying friends.

Did this affect your friendship with Dee negatively?

Not at all. We actually got closer after that. We were talking and texting even more than before. 

Did she ever talk about having feelings for you after that?

Yes, she made a move on me a few months later. I turned her down again and maintained my desire for a friendship, which she accepted. I thought we were past the whole situation.

So what went wrong?

A mutual friend came into the picture. They were friends with both of us, but closer to Dee than to me. Once, while we were talking, I mentioned in passing about the situation between Dee and me. I didn’t think much of it.  I assumed that they were close enough to Dee that she would have told them about what happened. I was wrong.

How did Dee react when she found out?

She was very angry. She felt like I was making her look stupid in front of someone she didn鈥檛 fully trust. And then it quickly turned into a bigger issue, and she accused me of lying to her, leading her on, and not being true to myself or to her.

Did you feel like you had led her on?

No. I genuinely feel like I was just going along with the friendship as it was. I wasn’t doing anything deliberately. But she saw it differently, and we just kept going back and forth on it. Neither of us was getting through to the other.

What happened after that?

She blocked me on everything. It hurt so much.

What did you do when you found out?

I looked her up on TikTok, and I reached out. I wasn’t trying to argue. I just wanted her to know that I was sorry she felt that way, and that it was never my intention to make her feel stupid or strung along.

Did she respond?

Yes. She unblocked me on WhatsApp, and we tried to have a conversation about what happened.

Did that go well?

No, the conversation kept going in circles. We couldn鈥檛 agree on a way forward, and then she blocked me again.

That must have hurt.

It did. I lost our friendship, and I also lost a chunk of our shared friend group. The friends who were closer to her stopped talking to me entirely. I had no real way to reach her through anyone else.

Did you try anyway?

I wanted to, but she had blocked me on everything, so I couldn’t reach her. So I just had to sit with it.

How did it feel to lose that friendship?

I felt very sad. We used to talk about everything, so it was really jarring to suddenly lose my closest confidant.

Did you ever resolve things with her?

After a few months, she reached out. She said she’d forgiven me and that we were cool. But she also made it clear we couldn’t go back to being the friends we used to be.

How did that make you feel?

I felt awful, but I understood where she was coming from. 

Is the friendship something you’d want to go back to, if she ever changed her mind?

For me, yes. I would. I miss her and the bond we shared. But I don’t think she would rekindle a friendship with me, and I’ve had to make peace with that.

*Names have been changed for anonymity.

Jide* (30) and Sharon* (30) met in secondary school, became best friends, and eventually first loves who built a relationship rooted in faith.

In this Sunken Ships, Jide opens up about the mistake he made just one year into dating Sharon. One that cost him not only their relationship, but also their friendship.

When did you realise your friendship with Sharon was over?

I tried to reach out to her on her birthday, and I found she had blocked me everywhere. It hurt, but I deserved it.

Wow. Let鈥檚 start from the very beginning.

Sharon and I met as classmates in 2006. We weren鈥檛 particularly close at first, but that changed after a while.

Why did it change?

My family and I started attending a new church in 2009. Soon, I noticed that Sharon and her family also attended the church. Seeing her often, both at school and at church, deepened our friendship, and I began to think of her as my best friend.

What was your friendship with her like?

We were very close, and we talked about everything. Sharon took her faith seriously even as a young teen.聽 Her strong principles motivated me to strengthen my own faith. I looked up to her and went to her for advice when I had issues with my other friendships or schoolwork.

When did you realise you had feelings for her?

In 2011. We were in SS2 then, and I remember my heart racing whenever she walked into a room. 

Did you tell her about your feelings?

No, I kept them to myself. As I said, Sharon had strong principles, so I already knew her stance on dating in secondary school. She felt it was a waste of time, and I didn’t want to ruin my chances.聽

Okay. What happened next?

We got into the same university in 2013, and that鈥檚 when I told her about my feelings and asked her to be my girlfriend. 

What did she say?

She turned me down. She said she wanted to focus on her studies.

How did you take her rejection?

I didn鈥檛 even flinch. I knew Sharon wasn鈥檛 the kind of babe I would win over easily, and I was determined to show her that I was the one for her, so I just kept asking her. 

When did she give you a chance?

She agreed to date me in our second year. I was walking her back to her hostel when she told me she鈥檇 been praying for months about us and was ready to explore a relationship with me. I was so happy that I think I floated back to my hostel that day.

That sounds so cute. What was your relationship like?

We became even closer. We鈥檇 pray together on the phone before we started our day, and we鈥檇 pray together again at night before we went to bed. I felt myself become a better christian and a better person during those early days. It was the best year of my life.

What changed?

I got distracted in my third year. In my second semester, I took a course from another department, and there I met Janet*. Her entry into my life complicated things very quickly.

What do you mean?

For context, Sharon and I had only ever had sex once. It was our first time. She felt so bad afterwards, like we had sinned against God, that she tried to break up with me. I managed to convince her to stay with me, and she agreed on the condition that we would remain celibate until we decided to get married. I agreed because I loved her and I wanted to keep her in my life.

So how does Janet fit into the picture?

As soon as Janet noticed me in our class, she started trying to flirt with me. She got my number off the course group chat and started texting me regularly. At first, it was harmless check-ins, but soon it escalated into exchanging sexy photos. I should have nipped it in the bud, but I foolishly enjoyed her attention.

Did she know you had a girlfriend?

Yes, but she didn鈥檛 seem to mind. One day, barely a month after we had started texting, she invited me over to 鈥榮tudy鈥�. Things got out of hand, and we ended up having sex. As I left her place, the guilt started eating me up inside.

Oh no. 

It was horrible. I avoided Sharon鈥檚 daily calls afterwards so she knew something was wrong. After two days of burying my head in the sand, Sharon came to my hostel to find me. 

What happened?

I couldn鈥檛 keep it from Sharon. I loved her too much. So I confessed to her what I鈥檇 done. I鈥檒l never forget the pain, anger and disappointment I saw on her face when I did. She broke up with me that day, and my heart has been in pieces since.

Did you try to talk to her after that day?

Multiple times, and she ignored every attempt. Her birthday was a few weeks after our split. I tried to send her a birthday message, but I saw she had blocked me everywhere. It hurt so badly, but I deserved it. It鈥檚 been more than ten years since then, and I still miss us.

Did this experience affect your faith?

Yes, it did. For a time, I felt like God was using my heartbreak as punishment. But I realised after a while that I was just suffering the consequences of my actions.

What about Janet?

I ended things with her after a few weeks. She reminded me of why Sharon and I were no longer together, and I resented her for it.

Would you rekindle a friendship with Sharon if she ever forgave you?

Yes, I would. I genuinely regret ruining our relationship. I hoped I would at least get to hold on to our friendship, but I lost that too. I wish I could go back in time to stop myself.

Pamilerin* (28) and George*(28) were good friends for over five years. After their history of a good friendship, Pamilerin decided to give a romantic relationship between them a shot. What happened after surprised her.

In this Sunken Ships, she talks about their friendship, their brief relationship and how it has affected her views on love and friendship.

At what point did you realise that your relationship with George wasn鈥檛 going to work out?

Our relationship was doomed when I couldn鈥檛 recognise him anymore. He鈥檇 been in my life for over five years, but we鈥檇 only been together romantically for a few months. I knew I had to end things for my heart鈥檚 sake.

Whoa, that鈥檚 heavy. Let鈥檚 go back to how everything started. 

We met at a mutual friend鈥檚 house party in 2018. We were paired up for a game, and our chemistry was amazing. At the end of the party, he took my number, and we started texting over WhatsApp. Soon, we became good friends.

How would you describe your friendship with George?

We were super close and spoke every day. He lived and schooled in Lagos while I was in Ibadan, so we didn鈥檛 see each other often. While our relationship was completely platonic, it was obvious that he had romantic feelings for me.

Did you have the same feelings?

At the time, no. I鈥檓 emotionally avoidant: relationships, love and all that complicated stuff scare me. A past relationship had been ruined by infidelity. I wasn鈥檛 willing to look at my feelings closely after that, and since he never brought it up, I was happy to enjoy our friendship.

Okay. When did things change between you?

2019. He started visiting Ibadan more often after we graduated from university, and we spent more time together. After he returned to Lagos following one of such visits, he confessed his feelings over a call and told me he wanted to take our relationship to the next level.

What was your response?

I turned him down. I told him about my issues with relationships and why I wasn鈥檛 ready to get into another one. I asked him if my refusal would affect our friendship, and he said no. So we continued being close friends.

Did he try to ask you out again after that?

Yes, multiple times. He didn鈥檛 do it as overtly as the first time. He just reminded me often that he really liked me and he wanted to be my first option if I ever wanted to try dating again. I used to laugh it off, but it was always at the back of my mind.

When did you realise you had feelings for him?

2020. During the lockdown, we went from talking to each other every other day to every single day. He was the first person I spoke to every morning and the last voice I heard at night. I started looking forward to his phone calls and messages more than usual. It took a while, but I had to admit to myself that the feelings I had for him had grown past simple friendship.

Did you tell him how you felt about him?

No, I didn鈥檛 know what to do with my feelings. I thought they would fade away if I ignored them, but instead they grew until the tension between us became too much to ignore.

What happened?

After the strict lockdown restrictions were lifted, George visited Ibadan in September. It was the first time I had seen him in person that year. We went on a picnic date to catch up. One thing led to another, and we shared our first kiss. It was then that I admitted to him that I had feelings for him.

How did he react?

He was so happy when I told him I liked him too. He kissed me again and said he was glad he鈥檇 waited for me to come around. He asked me to be his girlfriend again. This time, I said yes.

How would you describe your relationship? Was it different from when you were just friends?

It was bittersweet. It was definitely different from when we were just friends. The first two months of our relationship were amazing. It was as if we became even closer than we were before. We talked every day, had virtual dates, and we even had a weekend staycation together. I thought I had finally found the love they write about in books 鈥� you know, friends to lovers. But it didn鈥檛 take long for everything to suddenly change.

Tell me about those changes.

The first red flag was that he stopped sending me good morning messages two months into our relationship. I didn鈥檛 want to read too deeply into it. He鈥檇 gone to the village with his family for the holidays, so I told myself he was probably busy with the festivities. But when he got back to Lagos, he didn鈥檛 resume sending the messages. 

Did you try to talk to him about the sudden change?

Not at first. I didn鈥檛 want to seem needy or clingy. I wanted to think we were simply exiting the honeymoon stage of our relationship for a more relaxed one. But things between us kept getting worse.

How do you mean?

He started getting too busy to speak for consecutive days. I would send him multiple messages, and on a good day, he鈥檇 reply to only one. When I鈥檇 call him, he鈥檇 claim he was busy and promise to call me back later. He never did. 

I tried to return the same energy and pulled back from communicating, but it was as if he didn鈥檛 notice.

Wow, that must have hurt.

It did. I almost drove myself crazy trying to figure out why he completely switched up. I almost didn鈥檛 recognise my friend, who I had been so close to before the start of our relationship.

Did you talk to him about how you felt?

Yes, I did. At the end of January, after tolerating his laid-back attitude, I called him. I told him I was feeling alone in our relationship, and I felt he had changed towards me.

What did he say?

He brushed off my concerns. He claimed I was only feeling that way because I didn鈥檛 have a job to keep me busy. He said he had less time to talk because of the amount of work he was doing and asked me to be more patient with him. 

How did you react to that?

I was surprised because he鈥檇 had a remote job since 2019, and that didn鈥檛 affect our friendship before we started dating. Regardless, I promised to be more understanding, and he promised to be more present. 

Did things change for the better after that?

No. It was like there was an invisible wall I couldn鈥檛 explain between us. Things between us came to a head on Valentine鈥檚 Day.

What happened?

He didn鈥檛 speak to me at all on Valentine鈥檚 Day. I sent him several heartfelt messages, voice notes and left him missed calls, but he didn鈥檛 respond to any of them.

Ah! Did he explain why?

When I didn鈥檛 hear anything from him on the day, I stopped messaging him entirely. Valentine鈥檚 fell on a Sunday that year. He didn鈥檛 reach out to me till Tuesday.

READ ALSO: I Watched The Love Of My Life Marry Someone Else

Two whole days? That鈥檚 wild.

Exactly! He called me and apologised for missing Valentine鈥檚 Day, saying he was 鈥渂usy鈥� with 鈥渟tuff鈥� and couldn鈥檛 talk. That was his entire explanation. I tried to ask him for more information, but he didn鈥檛 say anything more. I got the ick so fast.

Omo. What did you say to that?

I told him that he could also forget he had a girlfriend because I was breaking up with him. I hung up and blocked him. I couldn鈥檛 wrap my head around him treating me like that. He, more than other people, knew how my last relationship had treated me.

I love how you stood on business. Did he ever try to reach out to you after that?

Yes, our mutual friend reached out to me the next day. He said George told him we鈥檇 fought and needed his help settling it. I told him we didn鈥檛 have a fight 鈥� I had broken up with him because of how he switched up on me after we became official.

What did your friend say?

He tried to make excuses for George鈥檚, saying that I 鈥渄idn鈥檛 know what it was like for men鈥�. But I wasn鈥檛 willing to give him another chance to hurt me. If that was how he wanted to treat me after liking me for years, he could keep his feelings to himself.

How did you feel when you realised your relationship was over?

It was a painful realisation. I didn鈥檛 lose a romantic partner, I also lost one of my closest friends.  I regretted moving our relationship past a platonic level. I wish we had just stayed friends. 

Does this mean you don鈥檛 believe in the friends-to-lovers pathway?

Not anymore. I鈥檒l never mix friendship and romance ever again. It took me such a long time to even date other people again, let alone my friends. Any friend of mine should please get comfortable in the friendzone.

Do you think you and George can get back on the same page, platonically?

No, I hated the way he treated me, and though I have forgiven him, I don鈥檛 see us ever being as close as we were before we were an item. That ship has sailed.