For many women, putting work first is still treated like a personal failing. A man who lives for his job is often seen as ambitious, but a woman who makes the same choice is expected to explain herself.
In this article, we spoke to 10 women who have chosen their careers over everything else, and they shared what that decision has meant for their marriages, children, families and themselves.
1. 鈥淚鈥檓 Just Glad My Kids Have a Father Who is There for Them鈥 鈥 Bimbo*, 40
When it comes to work, I鈥檓 a huge perfectionist. It鈥檚 one area of my life I don’t joke around with, and before I got married, I was honest with my husband that work would always take priority over everything else, and he understood. So, when we got married and even started having our kids, we barely fought because he knew what to expect.
His job doesn鈥檛 demand much from him, unlike mine, so he easily took over the bulk of the parenting. If I knew I would work late nights, he would take care of them, and when I get back, he would take care of me because he knows how bad my migraines get after a long night.
Whenever I travel for a work event for weeks at a time, he makes sure the children don鈥檛 feel my absence in any of his actions, and I guess that鈥檚 why he鈥檚 their favourite parent. It would make sense to be jealous of the fact that my children don鈥檛 feel close because of how much work takes me away from them, but honestly, I鈥檓 just really glad that they have a father who is completely there for them in every way.
2. 鈥淚 Didn鈥檛 Want to Be Like the Women of My Family鈥 鈥 Oyin*, 39
When I turned twenty, I realised that I didn鈥檛 want to be like the women of my family who broke their backs serving men who didn鈥檛 serve them back, so I decided not to get married and focused on advancing my career instead. It has been nineteen years since I made that decision, and I鈥檝e been having a good time.
As much as the job market can get toxic sometimes, I love working so much. I love managing people, I love making my own money, and, most importantly, I love how it has given me the chance to meet many people. My family does not approve of my single lifestyle, of course, but the beautiful thing about the first child who makes bastard money is that everyone is always afraid to go against you out of fear of you financially cutting them off.
There are days when I do ask myself if I鈥檓 really sure I don鈥檛 want to get married and have kids of my own, but then I watch my friends complain about their husbands’ weaponising incompetence, and assure myself that I made a good choice.
3. 鈥淢y Husband Tried Baiting Me Into Resigning鈥 鈥 Fathia*, 40
I鈥檓 an executive at a company that demands a lot of my time and energy. Because of that, I鈥檝e had to put work before my husband and two children, which has caused a lot of problems between us. There was a time when I was the less busy parent, and my husband鈥檚 job was constantly demanding, but I never complained that the majority of the housework fell on me because I understood. So, imagine my surprise years later when he got a less demanding job, I got promoted at work, and he started having issues with the same things I had overlooked for him out of 鈥榰苍诲别谤蝉迟补苍诲颈苍驳鈥.&苍产蝉辫;
There have been times I would leave work at 9 p.m. and still face the island-to-mainland weekday traffic, and when I got back home, I would find the children still waiting for me to cook because their father, who gets back home by 6 in the evening, refuses to cook. Aside from that, he would not help with their assignments or even help wash the flasks of food they took to school that day. When I confronted him about all this, he told me I should learn how to juggle my work and personal life better, but let鈥檚 not forget that when he had a demanding job, I was making sure our children didn鈥檛 feel neglected in any way.
I knew he was just baiting me into possibly resigning, and I refuse to do that because I love my job. It鈥檚 my biggest priority. The week after confronting him, I hired a housemaid to help care for the kids, and although my husband hates it, I don鈥檛 really care about him.
4. 鈥淚n Prioritising My Career, I Emotionally Neglected My Children鈥 鈥 Biola*, 60
I hate being idle, and this inability to sit still without doing anything pushed me to become a dedicated career woman all my life. For decades, I worked tirelessly and prioritised my job over everything, including my husband and children. In most movies you see on television, it鈥檚 usually the husband who is barely ever home because of work, but in my children鈥檚 lives, it was I who was barely ever home. I only saw them early in the morning and at weekends, and I didn鈥檛 realise how much of a strain this put on our relationship until they all grew up and no longer wanted to be associated with me.
It is only because of my husband that my children still keep in touch with me. They would have been completely okay with not associating with me at all if not for him, and to be frank, I don鈥檛 blame them. In prioritising my career, I emotionally and physically neglected them at precarious times in their lives, and that鈥檚 enough not to want to talk to me at all. It hurts, though.
5. 鈥淢y Mum Believes a Generational Curse is Preventing Me From Finding a Husband鈥 鈥 Keji*, 35
When I decided I would rather marry my work than have a husband, I knew my family wouldn鈥檛 accept it, so I had to devise a plan that wouldn鈥檛 cause complications. For years, while I focused on climbing the corporate ladder, I would have the occasional boyfriend, introduce him to my parents as someone I wanted to marry, and, after a few months, break up with him.
This was a cycle I kept repeating because I knew it would make my mother think there was some family curse that was preventing me from finding a stable boyfriend that could eventually turn into a husband. I鈥檝e been doing this for years now, and while everyone keeps praying over my head for me to find a good husband, I鈥檓 focusing on my work. There might come a time when my mum realises I鈥檓 doing it on purpose, but for now, she is just convinced it鈥檚 a generational curse preventing me from finding a good husband.
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6. 鈥淢y Husband Understands That Work is My First Love鈥 鈥 Doyin*, 29
I don鈥檛 regret putting work above everything in my life, and maybe it鈥檚 because God blessed me with a mother who also did the same and showed me that you could still have a good marriage while putting yourself first. My husband and I have been married for five years now, and he understands that work is my first love and will remain like that forever, even when we have our children.
We have had a lengthy conversation, and I鈥檝e let him know that just because work comes first doesn’t mean our marriage won鈥檛 work. As long as we both respect and understand each other, there won鈥檛 be any reason to fight over my work schedules. I think having a husband who respects the work his wife does is what a lot of career women need, because if you are married to someone who has no respect for the job you do, he鈥檚 only going to keep dragging you down.
7. 鈥淚 Have to Deal With Family Because My Husband Can鈥檛 Stop Complaining鈥 鈥 Maria*, 36
Putting work above your marriage and your kids would get you on a lot of bad sides, and I鈥檓 a living testament of that. Apart from the occasional fights with my husband, who gets mad that he has to watch the children whenever work keeps me occupied for hours, I also have to deal with family members on both sides because my husband can鈥檛 stop complaining about my love for work.
It鈥檚 already stressful trying your best to be a present mother for your children, and then I鈥檓 being dragged to one family meeting after another because my putting my work first is stressing a grown man out. The thing my husband knows but refuses to make peace with is the fact that I am not going to stop working. Work is the only thing that frankly keeps me sane in this world, and I love the fact that I can take care of myself and my children without needing to ask anyone鈥檚 son for that.聽
8. 鈥淚鈥檓 Okay With Being a Single Workaholic鈥 鈥 Tola*, 30聽
As a woman who put career over any possibilities of marriage, a lot of my friends expect me to regret it, and while I do, sometimes, I actually love being single right now. I am self-aware enough to realise that most romantic possibilities would not be okay with me being a workaholic who does not understand the concept of taking breaks.
Work has affected my relationships with my family and friends, so I know it鈥檚 probably going to be worse if I do start dating someone. It has also come to my attention that men don鈥檛 really like career-obsessed women, and honestly, I would rather die than take steps down my career ladder just to appease someone鈥檚 ego. If I find someone who understands my workload in the future, maybe I鈥檒l be open to giving them a chance, but for now? I鈥檓 very okay with being a single workaholic.
9. 鈥淲e Built a Bond With Our Daughters Without Work Being Affected鈥 鈥 Ella*, 40
One reason putting my career first has not affected my marriage or my relationship with my kids is that my husband is like me. We both love our jobs too much, and that鈥檚 one of the reasons why we fell in love with each other. Before we had our twin girls, we made an extensive plan on how to be there for them despite our jobs, and it has been working out well for us.
On weekdays, we mostly have the housemaid take care of them, but we make an effort to be back by evening so we can learn how their day went and hear about any complaints they have. On weekends, we switch off our phones and spend the entire time with our girls, and by doing so, we have built beautiful relationships with them without work being affected in any way.聽
10.聽鈥淚鈥檓 Too Career-Obsessed to Make Space for Children鈥 鈥 Lillian*, 28
I鈥檓 a big career woman who has decided that I would not give birth to any children unless my possible future husband and I decide to give adoption a chance. I decided this because I鈥檝e seen how many career women tend to scale back their dreams a bit every time they have children. Whether they like it or not, they have to make space for those children, and honestly, I鈥檓 too career-obsessed to do that.
That is why I鈥檓 having a lot of problems on the romantic front. A lot of men I鈥檝e had romantic connections with in the past were 鈥渢raditional鈥, and whenever I talked about my career, they always reminded me that I would need to make work a lesser priority when I get reminded to them. Frankly, that is something I do not see myself doing, and I always let them know, but their responses have never been positive. For that reason, I will be staying single from now on and just focusing on my career.聽
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