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Every woman knows the pain of selecting an outfit for the day and having that outfit backstab them in one way or another. Here are 6 pieces of clothes that consistently betray women.

Bras

For clothes that were made to support women, bras have turned to the dark side by acting as a constriction device.  The sigh of relief when you take off your bra after a day of pretending to be okay is a sure sign that bras cross the thin line between upholding a woman’s breast and squeezing it until they cannot breathe properly. See a Nigerian man for more details on this.

Bodycon Dresses

It’s date night and you’re all glammed up looking like a peng thing in your bodycon dress then you make the mistake of exhaling the small air you were holding in. Now, you look like you’re 6 months pregnant and you haven’t even had dinner yet. Bodycon dresses were designed to portray women as peng things with a pouch. They point out the fact that you only did sit-up for 5 minutes before checking for abs.

Jeans

I didn’t want to do this but it has to be done. Ladies, what’s up with our jeans looking all fit and trimmed and perfect at the start of the day and then 2 hours out, they become like Semo, without form and purpose. They look like they age at the rate of avocados. Why?

Off-Shoulder Outfit

Asides the fact that this outfit choice is very offensive to our A-cup sisters, the technical design is flawed. You can’t raise your hands with confidence, you can’t twerk with your shoulders. Basically, the outfit doesn’t allow you to become your true self. Your body has to be kept a certain way else you’d have to keep adjusting and re-adjusting. Stress.

Heels

There is something about wearing heels that makes you feel powerful. You are on top of the world. You tower over your enemies, you are a goddess gracing lesser beings with your presence all until you have to walk on grass or the streets of Nigeria. Heels are for women who drive because jumping danfo with that 5-inch stiletto is going to kill you. Asides from being discriminatory against women with no funds, heels will have your ankles acting out when you’re older which is weird because you don’t see men shoes trying to kill them. 

Thongs

I have never seen a piece of clothing that desperately tries to eat ass as hard as thongs. One moment you’re good, the next you’re trying to remove a thick string from your ass crack. Like bro, buy me dinner first.  Know this, as sure as a compass needle finds the north, a thong will find a way to eat your ass. 

For more, read What She Said: I’m Married But Moonlighting As A Sugar Mummy In My 30s