As a Nigerian, your mother probably already gists you about yet another family friend鈥檚 child who鈥檚 getting married, but do you really know the many things that go on in her head? What would she write about if she had a secret diary?
I imagine it would look like this:
Sunday
Dear Diary,
The devil really tried me today, but as always, I serve a living God who鈥檒l never allow my enemies to turn me into a laughing stock.
It started with my own children. I woke them up for church at 5 a.m. as usual. Tell me why these children were still brushing their teeth when I came to check on them at 6 a.m.? Why won鈥檛 they oversleep when they鈥檒l be pressing phone at night like evil spirits? Upon all the Whuzzup messages I share with them about the dangers of pressing phone at night? Well, I didn鈥檛 kill my mother, so they won鈥檛 kill me.
That鈥檚 how I saw Mama Iyabo in church today. Can you believe this woman sat down in the front row with her long gele, blocking everyone else? She didn鈥檛 even wait for women鈥檚 meeting after church. She thinks she鈥檚 better than everyone, but we all know her son is doing yahoo with that his dada hair. Her daughter nko? That one will be walking up and down the street in pant, abi bum shorts.
Wait o, have those children brought out stew from the freezer? Diary, wait please, I鈥檓 coming back.
Monday
Dear Diary,
I saw a video on Whuzzup that really scared me today o. Do you know the government is releasing 5G so they can control us and give everybody gonorrhoea? I鈥檝e forwarded it to everybody I know, even Mama Iyabo. I don鈥檛 like her, but everyone deserves to know what鈥檚 happening so we can pray for our lives.
I don鈥檛 know if my children have downloaded the video because it鈥檚 not showing that blue tick that tells you someone has seen your message. In fact, diary, let me call them and make sure they see it. This is a matter of life and death.
Tuesday
Dear Diary,
You know Musa na? My customer who sells onions in the market? I鈥檓 thinking of changing him. His mouth has gotten too wide.
Do you know he told me a basket of 40 onions is now 鈧5k? Something that I bought for 鈧1k four months ago? I sha paid him 鈧1,500 for everything. Do I look like someone he can cheat? He was begging me to add something to it, but I don鈥檛 pluck money from trees. He should make his gain from another person.
Meanwhile, my son complained of stomach pain today. Maybe he鈥檒l believe me now when I tell him to stop pressing phone.
Wednesday
Dear Diary,
I called my daughter five times before she picked up today. I just think it鈥檚 funny how you dedicate nine months of your life, and almost see heaven鈥檚 gate during labour, only for your offspring to grow up and either forget you or like their father more.
What if I was dying? I only wanted to ask if she鈥檚 eaten today, but still. She even had the mind to say she was busy at work. Too busy for the person who brought you into this world? It is well. At least, I have other children.
Thursday
Dear Diary,
My family keeps testing me. Imagine my husband using his mouth to say, 鈥淚 have a headache鈥 just this evening. How many times do I need to tell these people that there鈥檚 power in the tongue?
That鈥檚 how yesterday, someone asked me if I was the last person on the ATM queue. I had to tell him I鈥檒l never be the last in Jesus name. Now, my husband is claiming headache. Why not just put a sign on your head for witches to come and attack you, since you obviously want to die?
Friday
Dear Diary,
I鈥檓 rushing to join the vigil at church tonight, but I have to tell you how Mama Iyabo offended me today. I saw her on the road this evening and greeted her. I even asked of her children鈥檚 wellbeing. Do you know this woman didn鈥檛 ask about my children back?聽
I always pray for my enemies to reveal themselves. Mama Iyabo is obviously one of them.
I know where to direct my prayers tonight. There鈥檚 no peace for the wicked.
Saturday
No entry because, owambe things.
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