You know this person, or perhaps you are this person. The strong one. The first call when something goes wrong, the one who shows up even when running on empty, the friend who listens for hours but rarely speaks about their own troubles. And for a long time, that identity feels like something to be proud of. Until the weight of it becomes too much to carry quietly.
For many Nigerians, psychologist explains, strength stops being a choice and becomes a performance that people feel trapped in. They hear, 鈥渂e strong,鈥 鈥渄on鈥檛 let people see you weak,鈥 鈥渙thers have it worse,鈥 鈥測ou鈥檙e the firstborn.鈥 Over time, worth becomes tied to how much a person can endure rather than who they actually are.
In this article, ten Nigerian women share what happened when the weight finally became too much, and what it took to begin putting it down.
1. 鈥淚 had a toxic job that almost took my life鈥 鈥 Elle*, 27
When I was 23, I had a toxic job that almost took my life. The work hours were ridiculous. I would wake up as early as 4 am so I could get there by 6, and I would leave there by 10 pm because my bosses were very fond of dropping their tasks on me. I wasn鈥檛 sleeping and barely had a social life, but every time I complained to my mother or anyone, they would ask me why. They told me I should be glad I had a job in a country where most people didn鈥檛. They kept telling me to endure, and I kept doing it because I believed they were right. I ignored the stress migraines, the chest pains, the eye twitches, and the rapid weight loss. That turned out to be a huge mistake.聽
Eight months into my job, I entered the office as usual, only for me to fall. When I opened my eyes, I found myself in a hospital. The doctor let me know that my fainting was an indicator of my body slowly reaching its limits, and honestly, that was my breaking point. The moment I was discharged, I quit my job, and for three months, I spent my days doing nothing except sleeping, eating well, and seeing my family and friends. I had to give myself that room to experience what it was like to live before I found myself another job. Now, whenever I get a new job and realise that it鈥檚 going to be toxic like the old one, no one even tells me before I pack my load. I can鈥檛 kill myself, please.
2. 鈥淚 had to become an adult before I knew what it meant鈥 鈥 Precious*, 25
My parents were really busy in our earlier years, and the pressure was on me to look after my siblings because it was my 鈥渞esponsibility as the firstborn.鈥 I had to become an adult before I knew what it meant.
My mum hated it whenever I complained or cried about being overstimulated from babysitting my siblings. If she caught me crying, she would tell me I had it so much better than other kids, so why was I complaining? I never received the kind of comfort my siblings received as kids. I was required to be 鈥渟trong鈥 because my siblings looked up to me. As a result, I became someone who found it uncomfortable to be vulnerable.
As an adult, whenever my mental health was in the dumps, I would keep myself busy with more work instead of talking about it with someone because I felt it made me weak. Every time I made a slightly concerning statement around my friends, and they suggested looking into therapy, I would lie to them that I didn鈥檛 really need it because that was better than telling them that the thought of vulnerability scares me.
My friend always says this thing about how 鈥渁 bullet will someday hit a moving target鈥, and I never fully understood her until the day I had a mental breakdown. I don鈥檛 quite remember much of what happened during that episode because I was in a dissociative state for most of it. It was my friends who somehow found a way to break into my house, took care of me for weeks, and when I finally began to feel more human, they were the ones who found me a credible therapist.
Healing took time. I had to get comfortable with opening my heart to my therapist, but when I did, I was finally able to release all the horrible, awful emotions I鈥檇 been holding all my life. I turned from this high-strung person, who needed to be constantly occupied with work, to a light-hearted person who spent her weekends sleeping and relaxing. I also started talking and crying more.
3. 鈥淢y mental health continued to rot while I played the role I was expected to play鈥 鈥 Zaynab*, 30聽
There was a time I prided myself on being the fixer in everyone鈥檚 lives. I was the daughter, sister, and friend you could always count on to be there. If my parents needed me for anything, I was there; if my sisters needed money, I wouldn鈥檛 think twice, even when I didn鈥檛 have anything to give. And if my friends called me at 3 am to cry about something, I would pick up the call even when I had work to be at that morning.
I didn鈥檛 care that my own mental health was deteriorating because I felt like I needed to be there for everyone without making it obvious that something was wrong with me. I didn鈥檛 even feel like there was anyone I could talk to because most of the time, the people in my life only remembered my existence when they needed something. My mental health continued to rot while I played the role I was expected to play in everyone鈥檚 lives until the day I had a panic attack at my home.
I remember temporarily losing my ability to breathe normally and how much it felt like my chest was genuinely on fire. I wanted to call someone, but I couldn鈥檛. I cried so much because I didn鈥檛 know how to regulate my breathing back to normal. It took almost an hour before I could breathe better, and when I did, I finally had to sit down with the uncomfortable feeling that I couldn鈥檛 live the way I was living.
My first step to healing was actually quitting my job, travelling to Benin, and turning off my phone while I was there. It might seem ridiculous, but spending a month in Benin without anyone constantly calling me was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me. It was freeing. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and to maintain that, when I got back home, I began to set boundaries with my family and friends.
I let my parents know that there would be times when I can鈥檛 constantly make myself available for them; I told my sisters they would only see money from me once a month, and I let my friends know that there would be periods when I wouldn鈥檛 pick up a midnight call unless it鈥檚 a serious emergency. They didn鈥檛 really understand it, but they respected it when they realised how serious I was. I鈥檝e also started seeing a therapist weekly. I can say I’m breathing better these days.
4. 鈥淚 didn鈥檛 want to be called a quitter for leaving my first job鈥 鈥 Ifeoluwa*, 29聽
For two years of my life, I鈥檇 experienced the worst burnout that one could ever go through. It had infiltrated every aspect of my life. I couldn鈥檛 create art the way I usually did, I stopped cooking, even though it was an activity I loved, and I couldn鈥檛 summon the usual energy I always put into learning new things, and this was all because of my emotionally exhausting job. The amusing part about all of this was that I could have left the job, but because I didn鈥檛 want to be called a quitter for leaving my first-ever real job, simply because the workload was killing me mentally, I put in the work, even when I turned into a shell of myself.
The day I realised I couldn鈥檛 keep going on was when my friend asked me how work was going, and I started crying. She listened to me as I spoke about how the work was genuinely killing me, and after I was done, she gently advised me to quit my job and told me no one would actually think I was weak for doing so. I want to say I immediately took her advice, but no. I still spent like two months before I woke up one day and told myself that I couldn鈥檛 keep doing this to myself. I sent in my notice, and two weeks later, I was finally free. After quitting, I decided that it would be best to rest and start putting my energy into things that once brought me joy. That鈥檚 what I鈥檓 still doing till now, and I can鈥檛 lie, I am happier than ever.
5. 鈥淚 told myself I just needed to put a strong front for everyone鈥 鈥 Chisom*, 42聽
As a mother and wife, I had to break my back. A lot. My husband was a deadbeat who barely contributed financially to our children鈥檚 lives, so I was the one who had to take two jobs because I didn鈥檛 want my children knowing anything was amiss. I also didn鈥檛 want my neighbours, friends, or anyone in my family to know, because the idea of exposing our dirty laundry to the outside world didn鈥檛 sit well with me. I told myself I just needed to put on a strong front for everyone, even though working two jobs, caring for two children, and maintaining the house had me pondering my existence in the early hours of the morning. There were times I just wanted to open my mouth and tell my friends everything, but I would think of how my mother said it鈥檚 important not to bring in a third party when it comes to married people. She always said that as a wife, it鈥檚 my job to be strong and stable for the children.
This continued until the day I heard the story of our neighbour who continued to toil for a husband who barely cared about her until she died, and her body was barely cold in the ground before he brought in a new wife. That became my awakening. I realised that my husband was very capable of doing something like that, and I decided that, for the sake of my health, it would be best to leave a marriage that wasn鈥檛 serving me the way I鈥檇 been serving it.
I got my divorce from him, quit one of my jobs, and with my children, I moved into a friend鈥檚 BBQ that she鈥檇 happily offered to me once I鈥檇 told her about my predicament. Till now, my parents haven鈥檛 understood why I divorced him, but I don鈥檛 care because I鈥檓 able to breathe better. I鈥檓 still figuring myself out, but I am learning to be more open about how I鈥檓 feeling because I鈥檝e realised how important it is.
6. 鈥淚 was living for my family and not necessarily for myself鈥 鈥 Kemi*, 27聽
Right from the moment I turned eighteen, I got a job so I could support my single mother and my other siblings and due to this, my mum and everyone else began to perceive me as this independent girl who didn鈥檛 need to be checked on, but frankly, I was drowning. I was eighteen and working even when my friends were living their lives.
I got admitted to university to study accounting, not because I genuinely liked it, but because I felt that, once I started exploring jobs in the field, I would earn enough money to take care of my family. I was living my life for my family and not necessarily for myself. I didn鈥檛 have a personality that could accommodate my family. I managed to juggle my side jobs with my exhausting university schedule, and every time I felt like I couldn鈥檛 do it anymore, I shoved that feeling down. I couldn鈥檛 ask anyone for help because, as I鈥檇 mentioned earlier, everyone saw me as an independent woman who didn鈥檛 need help.
It was in my fourth year that my repressed feelings finally caught up to me. I remember it was during my first semester exams. I was reading for a particularly hard exam while my siblings were bombarding me with texts about money, and I just decided that I couldn鈥檛 do it anymore. The next day, I dropped out of school, temporarily blocked my family, and then used the money I鈥檇 been saving for future emergencies to move to a neighbouring state where my friend lived and was willing to welcome me into her fold.
She held space for me to drag myself out of the fog I hadn鈥檛 realised I鈥檇 been stuck in, and it was with her help that I started learning to live my life the way I鈥檇 always wanted to. I won鈥檛 exactly say that I鈥檓 at the stage where I can consider myself a fully healed human being, but I鈥檓 taking it one step at a time. I can finally experience joy without constantly feeling like I owe my family, and honestly, that鈥檚 something.
7. 鈥淓very night I muffled my tears into a pillow because I couldn鈥檛 bear anyone hearing鈥 鈥 Fathia*, 24聽
Being the 鈥済ood鈥 daughter who didn鈥檛 ask for much and never stressed her parents or complained about anything ended up being something I regretted a lot when depression hit me. The thing about depression is that it鈥檚 just this dark abyss that you keep falling into, and every night I muffled my tears into a pillow because I couldn鈥檛 bear anyone hearing me.. I thought it would be weak of me to show that I, the daughter whom everyone could always count on, didn鈥檛 feel like participating in life at all. I continued to pretend that everything was going on well until I found out that I could get free therapy from a particular mental health organisation. That was where my healing started.
With my very nice and patient therapist, I started learning to feel comfortable talking about my feelings. I also transitioned from the quiet daughter who didn鈥檛 want to inconvenience anyone to the outspoken girl who isn’t very ashamed to speak up about what she wants. I鈥檝e realised that one of the factors that contributed to my depression was my need to repress my words because I wanted to satisfy people constantly, but now, I鈥檝e decided to prioritise myself first.
8. 鈥淪uppressing my emotions triggered hypertension鈥 鈥 Bukunmi*, 26
I鈥檝e seen a lot of people speak about how the environment you grow up in affects the way you start to perceive the real world, and I think that was the same thing for me. Seeing a mother who pretended like she had it all, even though it was somewhat obvious that she was crumbling, made me think that鈥檚 how it鈥檚 supposed to be. You had to keep pretending so no one would see the rot beneath the surface.
You had to act like you had your life figured out because the world wasn鈥檛 kind to women who didn鈥檛. I began to live like that and ignored how exhausting it was. My life could be falling apart, and I would pretend it was not because I didn鈥檛 want to be perceived as weak, even though I was a big advocate of telling my friends to be open about their feelings. I was the one they relied on for advice, the one they would call to get something off their chest, and every time they told me I could do the same, I would lie to them, saying I didn鈥檛 have anything to get off my mind. I ended up regretting that.
Also, another thing to learn about suppressing your emotions is that it eventually catches up with you one way or another. Mine caught up to me in the form of hypertension. When I found out, everyone kept saying it was ridiculous because I was too 鈥測oung鈥 to have heart issues, but when I finally pushed myself to find a therapist, she was the one who let me know that suppressing my emotions definitely triggered the hypertension. I hadn鈥檛 realised that, and knowing that was what finally pushed me to be more open about how I鈥檓 feeling. I can鈥檛 necessarily say that I have mastered the art of opening my heart for people to look into it, but I鈥檓 trying my best, and I鈥檝e observed that every time I talk about something, I feel lighter. I really love that feeling.
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9. 鈥淢y parents had painted vulnerability as something to be ashamed of鈥 鈥 Tolu*, 30
I was not allowed to be 鈥渆motional鈥 as a child. It was something my parents frowned upon. I couldn鈥檛 cry because to them, it was 鈥渆mbarrassing鈥, and I couldn鈥檛 talk to them about anything that was going on with me because they felt like I should be able to figure myself out. I was ten. I needed emotional guidance, and yet, I didn鈥檛 get it from them. Every time I felt like crying or talking to someone about something horrible that happened to me at school, I couldn鈥檛 because my parents, my dad especially, had painted vulnerability as something to be ashamed of. This followed me into adulthood. I was working three jobs because one, the economy, and two, because I didn’t think much about my feelings when my brain was being crippled by thousands of work tasks. Unsurprisingly, I ended up having a psychotic meltdown that apparently went on for weeks.聽 I do not remember most of it, and though my housemate tried to fill in the gaps for me, she was really unhelpful. All she said was that I was acting like a 鈥渕ad person,鈥 seeing things that weren’t there. It didn鈥檛 give me a full picture, but it was still my wake-up call. I didn鈥檛 even need a therapist to tell me what to do or anything.聽
For me, my healing began with cutting off my parents, finally venturing into the communities my friends had been hoping to drag me into, and finally being able to show my emotions without caring about how I would be perceived. The first time I allowed myself to cry properly, I realised how much my parents possibly stunted my growth as a person, and I got mad at them all over again.
10. 鈥淢y depressive episodes were so crippling鈥 鈥 Elenai*, 25聽
For a long time, I told myself that being vulnerable was something that was not accepted because I鈥檇 seen the way society tended to mock people for exposing their feelings. That, and being raised by a military father, effectively killed my desire to be open to people. So, when I started having mental health issues like depression and anxiety in university, I thought it would be best to keep them in. I鈥檇 seen the way my friends weren鈥檛 afraid to talk about their mental illnesses, and I even did my best to support them, and yet, the thought of talking about my issues scared me.
My depressive episodes were so crippling, and yet, I would still struggle through them and go to classes because I didn鈥檛 want anyone to think I was weak for wanting to bedrot instead. This was something that kept going on until the day I downed over fifty sleeping pills because I truly wanted to die, but no one told me that overdosing on sleeping pills would just lead you to falling in and out of sleep while vomiting your guts out. I didn鈥檛 die, and my friends told me that was my second chance to do right by myself, and ever since then, I鈥檝e been following that. I won鈥檛 say I have reached that zen stage, but these days I can choose to rest when I鈥檓 not feeling like being around people, and I don鈥檛 feel guilty about it.
Next Read: What She Said: She Didn鈥檛 Want to Be My Friend. She Wanted to Be Me.
