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First times are monumental, not because they always end up being magical, but because they mark a shift; a moment of crossing over into something new. Sometimes, they’re awkward, confusing or straight-up chaotic.

For queer women, that first time with another woman can leave an indelible mark. I wanted to know what it really feels like in the moment: Do you feel nervous or calm? Does it feel like home, or something you have to learn?

So I asked five women about the first time they went ‘all the way’ with a woman; in lived, messy, intimate detail. What led up to it? What did it feel like in the moment? And what changed afterwards?

1. What happened the first time you were with a woman? How did it start, and what was going through your mind in the moment?

Tobi* 27: I had a bunch of casually gay experiences as a teenager, but I didn’t really think much of them because they didn’t feel like anything. But when I was about 20, this woman DM’d me on Twitter. We talked for a bit, and then she wanted to hang out. I remember I was literally sick the day we planned to meet, but I dragged myself out because I wanted to see her so badly.

Before then, we’d had cute conversations, but I didn’t really understand how deep it could go until I was in a space with her and things got physical. I remember thinking, “Oh. This is what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. I was always meant to be a gay woman.” I’d dated men before and always felt like, “Why am I doing this? Why am I letting this person touch me?” It never felt right. But this? It felt completely different.

Kev* 36: She was older than me. This was the first time I had fully been with a woman in the way I wanted. She was my mum’s friend’s daughter, 32, and I was 22. We planned to use toys, so she had everything prepared. I went over to her house, we talked about what we wanted and how we wanted it, and it kind of just started from there, kissing, caressing. Then she told me she wanted me to fuck her with a strap, and I really wanted to try that. So I put it on, and after a few misses, I got it and pounded the shit out of her. We went on for hours before we took a break. Then we did it again and again that weekend.

Brianna* 31: My first time was with this girl I’d been talking to online. We were both 23. We didn’t live in the same city, but our family homes were in the same town, so we knew we’d eventually meet. When I came back home, we went to a small house party with people from the mixed community, so we both knew almost everyone there. It was exciting to be out with her.

My heart was racing, and I was high on weed and wine. I was so turned on. Every little brush of her skin against mine made my breath skip. I just wanted to touch her. Eventually, we went to one of the rooms in the house. I was wearing a pink and white striped flay dress; she had on a T-shirt and shorts. We were kissing, touching, rubbing against each other… it was soft, hot and overwhelming in a good way. I remember her whispering, “Sit on my face,” and I did. I have never forgotten what riding her face felt like. 

Fatima* 33: It was the first time I had my bi panic. As a Nigerian in a deeply religious and homophobic country, I knew there’d be some sort of consequences to loving a woman, but I didn’t care, not with her. I’d always realised that I sort of liked women, but that was my awakening. We never did anything sexual, but I did see her boobs (she took off her shirt), and I dreamt about it for weeks. I wanted to kiss her, to hold her. My goodness. It was all so intense. I never knew I could feel so much sexual tension. I’ve never really felt that with men before. I wanted to be gentle with her. 

Dee* 28: My first time was with my girlfriend at the time, in boarding school. Eight of us were in the hostel talking, and had to separate to avoid getting caught for not going to prep. So I went to my bed, and she joined me. We were both shy, but because I was on top, I had control. I kept caressing her. I wanted to be sure she wanted me to continue, and once I got that, we went all the way. It was pleasure…pure pleasure. Usually, after something like that, I’d feel like a sinner, but in the moment, I was so excited.

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2. What led up to it? Had you always known you were into women, or was it unexpected?

Tobi* 27: I’d always silently known I was into women. I’ve never been rigidly tied to religion or patriarchy. I’ve always identified with feminism, so the idea of a different kind of life was never far-fetched for me. Seeing women living freely made me realise that this was who I was and what I was supposed to be doing. I won’t lie, it wasn’t that hard for me to accept myself.

Kev* 36: As family friends, we are sometimes in the same space. I didn’t know how old she was until I got her number and asked. I always try to let a girl I’m into know I’m interested. Plus, the clothes I wear and my masculine energy make it obvious I like women. We kept talking until she called drunk one day. Our conversation was so sexual that I could feel how wet I was. I asked her if she could imagine herself being with someone like me, and she said no, but she’d fuck.

So we only spoke sexually, like we were fuck buddies. We met up the week after. All I could think about was how I wanted to forkkkk this pretty woman, and I was so nervous because it was my first time. I kept trying to stay calm and erase the thought of my mum calling me a demon or sinner, haha. I’ve always known I was born to love a woman. Physically and emotionally, I’m wired to have a wife, someone to love and protect.

Brianna* 31: At the time, I’d known I was into women for a few years, maybe three. I’d had something with another girl before, but it didn’t go far. We kissed here and there, but it wasn’t full-on. With this girl, I wasn’t sure what to do, but she was so reassuring. She told me not to worry. She made it easy to just be there, in the moment.

Fatima* 33: We started talking on Instagram. I can’t remember who messaged who first. But I thought she was the first person I’d ever had that kind of connection with. It was instant and intense. She was the Scorpio to my Taurus. Literally. I knew I found women attractive, but I’d never liked a woman before her. I knew I’d brave my family’s wrath for her. 

Dee* 28: We were already together. I’d taken my time getting to know her. And that moment felt like what I wanted. Same for her. As I said earlier, I’ve been a lesbian from the womb. When I had crushes on boys, they were beautiful boys, but I didn’t prefer their body parts. 

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3. How did it change things for you — emotionally, sexually, or even how you saw yourself?

Tobi* 27: I’m very happy with myself. I wake up every day, and even when I’m suffering, I’m like, “Well, at least I’m not suffering while pretending to be someone else.” Dating women, masc women, femmes, non-binary people, it just feels right. Emotionally, I’ve experienced so much more depth in these relationships. My relationships with men were either foolish or felt more like friendships with no real sexual spark. Now, everything feels more alive. The emotional and sexual elements are both very present.

Kev* 36: As I started to create my space for myself, I began to be freely myself. In my clothes and my presence, I exist for the female gaze, and that’s it.

Brianna* 31: It was affirming. I remember thinking, “Oh wow. Oh wow.” I really do like women. It opened me up emotionally. I always knew, I was just too scared to accept it. 

Fatima* 33: I wanted to take bubble baths and wear fluffy robes with her. Being able to do girly things with the love of your life was a plus for me. But yes, it definitely solidified what I’d always known, that I could love anyone of any gender. She was the girliest stud I’d ever met.

Dee* 28: I am very aware of how I feel about women. Because of that, I’ve always had to hide and tell people, “Yeah, I like men too.” Even though emotionally, physically, and mentally, I am a woman who loves women, that is just how I see myself.

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