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To put it politely, contraceptives are the reason you are not hustling for money to buy pampers and baby formula after nine months, each time you have sex. There are plenty of contraceptives out there, but how well do you really know them?

On one hand, your aunties swear that old-school contraceptives are the reason they don’t have more than four children and that the only thing modern contraceptives do is cause weight gain.

On the other hand, experts like Dr. Kieva and Kelechi Okoro who were speakers at 91����’s Twitter space on have told us that modern contraceptives are why you can sleep at night without wondering if you’re pregnant for Joshua from accounting.

We also had a chat with Dr. Zeenaht Abdullahi, an obstetrics/gynaecologist, where she shared her expert knowledge on women’s health and this specific topic, with us. These discussions with Dr. Zeenaht will inform a couple articles for the next few Fridays.

Now, let’s find out which girl is well suited to be your bestie!

The Y2K ‘Beg God For Your Period’ Group Chat

Let’s start with the OGs of contraception. These are the ones that your aunty might whisper about but when it comes to reliability? They’re nowhere to be found. You think you’re covered but one wrong move and you’re awake at 2 a.m. asking Google if you’re pregnant. On any night out, you are sure to find these girls playing Russian roulette…and losing.

The Pull-Out Method

She is that one woman who is always fighting with Twitter feminists. Half the time, you are convinced that she’s a man disguised as a woman because all the boys love her. This babe will enter a man’s car and leave you stranded at the club at 2 am after agreeing to split the transport fare with you.

Trust her to come late to your father’s funeral wearing a red dress. With a failure rate of 20%, everybody knows that you cannot trust her to empty the trash, not to talk of your womb.

Cycle Tracking

This babe is the only woman you know who plays SportyBet. Everything about her is risky business. She’s the kind of babe you call when you want to go bungee jumping, not when you want to buy land.

She’s lactose intolerant but is the only one who will order an extra-large milkshake on a night out. She should come with a label that says ‘handle with care’. Her list of Dos is long and her list of Don’ts is practically non-existent. If you like to gamble with your peace of mind, she’s the woman for you.

Abstinence

All the other women on this list will argue that she’s not a contraceptive, but this babe does not listen to haters. She’s that successful cousin your parents compare you to when you’ve done something wrong. To everybody around you, she can do no wrong. She’s the only one on this list that is 100% reliable, and she will never let you forget it.

The Modern ‘Baby-free with a side of acne’ GC

According to the girls in this group chat, if you’re still banking on the pull-out method to keep your womb child-free, we need to have a serious discussion.

On 91����’s Twitter space, modern contraceptives were explained as methods that work with your hormones to shut down pregnancy before you even notice that your body is trying to make a mini-you.

They’re backed by science, not hope and certainly not prayers. “Pregnancy happens because hormones prepare your womb” but modern contraceptives block scatter those preparations. They are the reason you can say ‘not today, Satan’ when you see your period.

The Condom (aka most popular)

When a skit maker tells you to call that one person who will always pick up the phone, you know you will win that 10k if you call her, it’s easy money. She will come to the club at 3 am, become the life of the party and leave exactly one hour later. This woman is low-maintenance; you can easily impress her with a Chicken Republic date.

She’s your emergency contact and the friend you call when you need someone to cover up for you while you go to Lagos to attend HERtitude. If you need someone who is always available, she’s your girl.

The Morning-After Pill

This babe is the kind of girl who would forget her student ID card at home on the day of her final paper. She is a chronic procrastinator who thrives on last-minute submissions.

She’s an ‘act first, think later’ kind of babe. You look at her room and wonder if she has ever heard of the word ‘organisation.’ All her clothes are piled on one chair in her room, but she’s the kind of babe who will come through for you when you find yourself in a car accident. Calling her to help you with daily problems is like bringing a nuclear bomb to a gunfight.

The Pill

She is the ultimate high-maintenance soft life babe. She’s the woman who invented the phrase ‘intentional men’. She’s the kind of woman who will set your clothes on fire because you forgot to buy her a Valentine’s Day gift. The physical and emotional labour she demands from you is more than money. If you cannot call her at the same time every day, don’t bother collecting her number in the first place.

The Copper IUD

This is the OG wicked feminist. She makes every room she enters uncomfortable for questionable men. Anywhere they are dragging men on Twitter, she’s there. She will help you with an abortion if you tell her about the baby within the first week. But she can also be too much; she’s the kind of woman to call your boss and take a leave of absence on your behalf. She can mess up your daily routine if you’re not careful. Like her hormonal sister, it’s a 50-50 thing. You either love or hate her.

The Hormonal IUD

She’s your fashionable, street-smart, but introverted big sister. She has your back when it comes to deadbeat boyfriends, but always forgets to tell you about STDs. On most days, you can’t tell if she loves or hates you. Half the time, she’s the best big sister in the world; the other half, you’re fighting over her bad behaviour. With her, everything is 50-50. You can either get the sweetest woman in the world or Jezebel reincarnated.

The Female Condom

Even if you don’t believe in witches, when you see rumours on your class’s anonymous chat claiming that she’s a real-life witch, you find yourself almost believing it. If her day job fails her, just know she would be very successful as a dominatrix in a BDSM nightclub. She is the ultimate sadist, and stepping on people with pointy heels is right up her alley. You are better off not having sex than going through the stress of putting her right.

The Implant

This woman is the kind of girlfriend who takes ‘under your skin’ literally. She’s the kind of friend who can never go to the market alone and the kind of girlfriend who moves in with you after the first month. Unlike most of the other direct-acting girls on this list, she’s slow poison, and nobody ever really knows she’s in the background until you shift the attention to her.

Now that you’ve met the girls, you decide, who would you trust with your ovaries?

Next Read: 5 Things You Should Know Before Calling Premarital Sex a Taboo