We bring to you letters written by women to women they love, miss, cherish or just remember. To celebrate the support women continue to show each other, this is #ToHER.
From: Arike, the woman who sees herself as an extension of her mum
To: Iya Arike, a woman who’s deeply missed
Iya Arike,
I鈥檝e thought about everything I wanted to write in this letter every day that led up to this moment. But here I am at past 1 in the morning and nothing seems perfect or right. I guess that鈥檚 because none of this is right. I shouldn鈥檛 be writing this letter talking about the crushing pain in my chest from missing you so much. I think 鈥淚 miss you so much it hurts,鈥 is such a hauntingly beautiful line whenever I come across it in novels. But now I鈥檓 experiencing it, all I see and feel is the unending pain in my chest from losing you.
It鈥檚 been over a year now, but it feels like just yesterday, you took your last breath in my arms. It feels like just yesterday, I was scrambling to remember everything I learnt about CPR from medical school so I could bring you back from what should鈥檝e been a nap. It鈥檒l always feel like just yesterday, I felt my heart plummet to my feet when I realised you were gone.
But a million and one things have happened since you鈥檝e been gone. The earth had the audacity to keep spinning as my entire world was crumbling without you. I鈥檓 stuck with so many questions I don鈥檛 have answers to, mummy.
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I have no idea who I am anymore. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and don鈥檛 recognise myself. The person staring back at me cannot be your Arikenke. But then, how can I be Arike without you Iya Arike? How can I live with just the memories of you? Memories of the past? I鈥檓 so lost without you.
You spoke way too much about the future to not be in it with me, mummy. You had the outfit you鈥檇 wear for my induction planned. You spoke so fondly about my wedding, how you鈥檇 come to do omugwo and how my siblings and our future families would all come back home for the Christmas holidays. 鈥淵ou can spend new year鈥檚 with your inlaws鈥, you鈥檇 say.
As it stands, you鈥檝e missed three graduations so far, and it hurts that you鈥檒l miss mine too. Damn, you鈥檒l miss everything you spoke about mummy. The beautiful visions of the future you always painted with your words will always exist in my mind, but reality will never measure up.
It鈥檚 funny how when I was younger, I鈥檇 always disagree with people when they say I look like you. The daddy鈥檚 girl in me just wouldn鈥檛 allow it. But here I am now, basking in those comments I now consider compliments. Because if I turn out to be like you, that鈥檇 be the best thing I can aspire to be.
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Is it weird that I think you鈥檙e my soulmate, mummy? Because it should be impossible to love and miss you as much as I do if you aren鈥檛 an extension of me. I guess this is why I feel like people who met me after you passed will never truly know me. They鈥檇 never truly know the Arike who was loved so dearly and intentionally by her mother. You were all the best parts of me.
My heart will love you forever, Iya Arike. My thoughts will always stray to memories of you, and my soul will yearn for yours as long as there is breath in my lungs.
Watch over your baby, mummy. I鈥檓 just trying my best and in way more pain than I let on.
All of my love,
Your Arikenke.
Letters #ToHER will be ending in September. We have two more slots to share a letter, so click if you’d like to write one too.
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