The subject of this week鈥檚 What She Said is a 23-year-old Nigerian woman who was in a toxic relationship with a man who did all he could to keep her with him, including stalking and blackmailing her.
Where did you meet?
It was December 2019, and I was 22 while he was 27. He鈥檚 my neighbour 鈥 we live in the same street. My aunt had a shop just in front of my house, and he used to come to the shop a lot. I personally didn鈥檛 notice him until, one day, I caught him staring at me.
I was going to buy suya, and he followed me. He picked up his pace and caught up with me. There was some small talk, he paid for my suya and bought me extra for my family. We exchanged numbers and that was pretty much it for that night.
Do you live with your aunt?
I don鈥檛 live with my aunt. My dad converted our security post into a shop to support her. So I see her everyday because of the shop.
What happened after he paid for your suya?
I think he called. I鈥檓 not sure. But we eventually started talking.
He was actually in a relationship at the time. I had heard tales about his babe, how she used to break things and stab him. I don鈥檛 believe all that anymore. I think they both got a thrill out of whatever their situation was, but from the outside, the girl was painted as a blood-sucking demon.
He made it seem like he was stuck in a helpless situation with his babe and didn鈥檛 know what to do. Like a foolish woman, I went to play messiah, telling him he deserved better. I should have just kept quiet and gone my way, but that鈥檚 basically what got us talking.
When did he break up with his babe?
A month or two later. I鈥檓 not the smartest with matters of my heart. So when he started preaching love to me, even though I was just out of a failed relationship and out of therapy, I went with the flow.
However, I told him I couldn鈥檛 date him if he was still with his girlfriend. He ended things with her in a very immature and impulsive way. This caused drama because the babe became FBI and found out he broke up with her for me. She threatened to fuck me up.
For context, the babe was also close to my aunt. She felt my aunt pimped me out to him, even though my aunt really didn鈥檛 have anything to do with the relationship. She just gave me a few pats on my back.
I don鈥檛 know what he went to promise her, but she eventually cooled off.
Do you think you were pressured into a relationship?
I wouldn鈥檛 say I was pressured, but at the time, I was winging everything in my life. I hated being alone. I would date just about anyone for companionship. I was always in one relationship or the other. People around me got tired because most of the relationships I entered were quite stupid.
I can鈥檛 say I鈥檝e ever been in love 鈥 I may have gotten fond of the people I dated but never felt love. I didn鈥檛 know them well enough before jumping yakata into the relationship. My relationships were so wack ehn.
Why?
I never loved myself enough, I guess. I allowed people into my life, and it was too late before I realised that the quality of people you allow into your life tells on the quality of the life you live.
So wait, did you have any feelings for him?
I don鈥檛 think I had feelings for him. I think I enjoyed the times he was nice to me. I didn鈥檛 have boyfriends before that were that nice to me; he always wanted to keep me happy until he was angry.
What was the relationship like in the beginning?
He was thoughtful and nice. It didn鈥檛 take long for the insecurity to start though. He wanted to check what I wore, where I wore it to, who I was talking to. He would seize my phone abruptly from my hand while I was using it. He even became friends with anyone I knew, just so he could know my every move.
He was the absolute worst when we fought, but he鈥檇 become Prince Charming when we were good. I slowly realised that his ex may not have been the only demon. Just as fast as I got in, I wanted out.
How did you get out?
It wasn鈥檛 easy. We started fighting about dumb things. My friend, let鈥檚 call her Mary, realised the guy was probably obsessed with me. She mentioned it, but I brushed it off. I tried to end the relationship so many times, but he wasn鈥檛 having it. I mean, he was (and still is) my neighbor, so everywhere I turned he was there. I noticed at some point he was cheating. Guess who he was cheating with?
Tell me.
The toxic unbearable girlfriend he literally begged me to help him out of dating. LMAO. I confronted him the first time, and he lied about it. I kept calm and became more observant.
Then I found out he rented an apartment for the babe very close to my house, even though I begged him many times to move out of the house he was staying in because I felt too many people were in our business. He kept saying he didn鈥檛 have money to rent a new house, but he had enough money to rent for her.
He was going to her house every day and lying to cover it up, saying things like, 鈥淚 want to go to bed early鈥 or 鈥淚 have to go for a meeting.鈥 Everything was a lie.
One time I broke up with him because he had the nerve to compare me to her. He said she was more understanding. When I left him, he actually told someone to monitor me around my house. I knew I was doomed.
Wow. What did you do next?
He begged and did so many nice things that made me foolishly go back. I don鈥檛 know why I did. I didn鈥檛 love him; I never did.
The relationship wasn鈥檛 better after this. It was one day of being super nice and days of toxic rubbish. He started to act like he was tired. I thought this was time to leave, and he would let me. I sincerely thought he loved her and was just using me. I was wrong, I was so wrong.
How long had you been dating at this time?
Maybe six months.
What happened next?
I confronted him about the rent, sleeping at her place and everything else. He denied them and gave a speech about me allowing people to destroy the beautiful thing we had. Which beautiful thing? Mad people full this country.
Anyway, I stood my ground, and that鈥檚 when I found out that my aunt knew all along that he was cheating and even used to talk to the babe. I was basically a fool. Everyone around me knew he was still with her but never told me.
My aunt still encouraged me to 鈥淔ight for what we have鈥. Whenever we had a fight, he鈥檇 call through her phone, and she鈥檇 make me talk to him. Meanwhile, she knew all along.
Did you confront her about it?
I did. She told me to come, let鈥檚 sit and talk like women, rada rada oshi. I didn鈥檛 go to sit down to talk anything.
I blocked his numbers and blocked hers too and anyone that wanted to beg for him.
After this, I travelled for a bit. He found out where I travelled to and actually followed me to the state, but he didn鈥檛 know exactly where I was. He tried to reach out to me through his useless friends that were also cheating on their girlfriends and wives. I blocked all of them.
It was during this trip that I got a message from a random number on WhatsApp. It was a video. I played it, and there I was, naked. I had never sent him nudes before, so I was confused. It was only later that I figured out that we鈥檇 had a virtual sex call a while back 鈥 I was naked, and we were actually rubbing one off 鈥 and he鈥檇 probably recorded me as we were doing it. In the video, his face was dark and conveniently not recognisable. His next message was, 鈥淟et鈥檚 talk.鈥
I told him to go ahead and do whatever he wanted, I still wasn鈥檛 going to talk to him or hear him out. His reply was, 鈥淐alm down, I have 3 more.鈥
I didn鈥檛 realise how much of a lunatic he was until that moment. I was slipping out of his reach and he was desperate.
When I returned home, I got lawyers involved. I reached out to anyone I could for help. I was scared. He wouldn鈥檛 stop. Every time I blocked him, he鈥檇 just text me on another number. He tried his best to get the name of my hotel from my cousins, but they also didn鈥檛 know. He even tried to decipher the location through my pictures.
What did you do next?
I had to tell my mum. My mum got mad and confronted my aunt.
Wait did your mom know of the relationship before?
No, she didn鈥檛. She suspected and warned me, but I always told her I turned him down.
My aunt found out I got a lawyer and ran to tell him that they鈥檙e coming for him. I found this out through my cousin, who was the only person looking out for me. She was close to him too and always told me things she heard. When he found out that she was actually helping me, he confronted her and told her he鈥檇 get boys to stab her all over her body and drop her corpse at my gate.
Wow. That鈥檚 sick.
Things became even more heated that I had to run away from home. I travelled out of town without telling anyone. The next few weeks were the worst. My parents were worried. My mom was crying herself to sleep. I couldn鈥檛 sleep. I felt I was being watched. I was losing weight. I had several suicide attempts. My friends were the best then. But my family? They were the worst. My dad almost disowned me.
When my dad found out my aunt鈥檚 role in the entire thing, he locked up her shop. Then my ex went into hiding. The police got involved, and the whole street was talking about me. Some family friends called me and told me to just go home.
When I returned home, the guy decided to sue me, my mom, my dad and the police for infringing on his fundamental human rights.
On the other hand, my uncles got involved and basically said they didn鈥檛 give a damn about the rubbish I got myself into but that my dad should open my aunt鈥檚 shop and deal with his badly-behaved daughter.
Did it actually go to court?
Yes. But it鈥檚 finalised now 鈥 we settled out of court. We both signed undertakings not to reveal any videos or pictures (he claimed we exchanged videos).
One thing this entire thing has taught me is that family is a social construct, made up to deceive you into thinking that because you come from the same bloodlines with someone, the person will love you or owe you some form of loyalty. It鈥檚 all a lie. My friends are my only family.
Does he still live in the neighbourhood?
Yup. My aunt is back in her shop now, and she鈥檚 very much still friends with him. I know his pride will not let him leave.
I want to leave, but to where? I don鈥檛 have money for that. My parents won鈥檛 answer me, so NYSC is my only way out.
Do you feel like you learned anything from this experience?
I can鈥檛 believe how much I鈥檝e grown from what happened. Focusing on my spirituality helped the most. I鈥檓 learning to love myself every day. I鈥檓 also learning not to accept rubbish from people because of my need to love and be loved.
I don鈥檛 know if I鈥檒l ever want to date or marry or any of that rubbish society shoved down our throats. I鈥檒l be 24 in a couple of months, and I鈥檓 just starting to know myself. I鈥檓 excited about the future and what it holds; I know it only gets better. I鈥檓 almost glad I went through this. it was a wake-up call for me to watch the things I feed my soul
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