Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it鈥檒l amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.
This week鈥檚 #91大神WhatSheSaid subject is a 68-year-old Nigerian woman with a thyroid disorder that imitates clinical depression. She tells us how her health struggles have given her a strangely positive outlook on life after a decade of numbness.
When did you realise you had a thyroid disorder?
After I had my last born in 1992. I was 37, and my neck just started swelling. After some weeks, it was worryingly large. I wasn鈥檛 in pain, but I was always coughing and short of breath. When I went to the hospital, they said I had goitre, that my thyroid was inflamed, and it was because I was deficient in iodine.
I was so scared because my loving sister had passed away because of throat cancer in 1990. But thank God, mine was nothing cancerous. I did surgery, and it was gone.
This feels like one of those movies where鈥
Yes, it came back. About a month later, I started having muscle and joint pain and was constantly tired. So I returned to my doctor, who referred me to a colleague in England.
I travelled, did several tests and waited another two months before being diagnosed with hypothyroidism.
What did this mean?
It meant my thyroid wasn鈥檛 producing enough hormones for my body, so I had to start taking hormone replacement tablets every day. It also meant everything became worse.
Because of the drugs?
No. After having my last child, Fola, I went into what we all thought was postpartum depression. I had no motivation to do anything at all. I couldn鈥檛 return to work. I didn鈥檛 even want to breastfeed him. In fact, I had this irrational phobia for breastfeeding, so he had to grow up on formula. Luckily for us, my sister-in-law had a child shortly after, so she would breastfeed him for me when she was around.
I was numb, physically cold, my skin was so dry, like it was harmattan when it wasn鈥檛, and I simply didn鈥檛 want to do anything. I was religious before, but after Fola, I no longer wanted to pray or read the Bible. I wanted to stay in bed and be left completely alone without having to think about anything or anyone. The worst sound to me at that time was my baby鈥檚 crying. I couldn鈥檛 stand it.
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And it wasn鈥檛 postpartum?
It wasn鈥檛. After the neck surgery, I felt a bit better. At least, I could relate with people and carry Fola, but I didn鈥檛 return to being happy. It鈥檚 a tiny blur in the past now, but I remember being such a friendly, lighthearted person.
Once the body pain and tiredness started, I went into a deeper depression. I鈥檇 walk around the house slowly because I didn鈥檛 want to do even the littlest things 鈥 moving from one room to another. I was gaining weight, constantly constipated, constantly having muscle cramps and joint pains. My period was haywire, and I no longer wanted sex. My husband was so frustrated by the whole thing, but bless him, he tried his hardest not to show it.
We never knew that I was suffering from a medical condition where my brain was triggering sadness because .
Damn. I鈥檓 so sorry. What was life like after the diagnosis?
I didn鈥檛 notice any improvements even after several months of taking the hormone replacement drugs. So I was in and out of the hospital, sometimes even having to take trips back to England, for more and more blood tests until the correct dose was found.
I felt like a lab rat, constantly being poked and experimented on. I slept in and out of different hospitals and labs between 鈥93 and 鈥94. All the specialists in LUTH and UI knew my husband and me very well. They鈥檇 even make social calls to our home. Meanwhile, I just felt dead inside.
Even after you got the correct dose?
Yes. The physical side got better. My skin and period pattern normalised. But for the next decade, I struggled with the motivation to do anything at all. I was either sleeping all the time or suffering from insomnia. I couldn鈥檛 even cry anymore. I was just numb, blank, like an empty barrel.
And this went on for ten years?
Or more. I missed my children growing up, my career never recovered after I lost my job in 鈥93, and I couldn鈥檛 sustain a business.
In 1995, I travelled to stay with my eldest sister for some time in Akure. It was supposed to be for a few weeks because my husband wanted me to have a change of scenery, and I myself was feeling so guilty and worthless watching him carry all the weight at home, paying for everything and raising our five children. I ended up staying in Akure for close to a year.
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Why?
I just couldn鈥檛 go back. It was a huge mental battle where I felt like I was being swallowed up and drowned out by the depression. And I could tell my sister and her family felt sorry for me. That was when I started cutting myself with knife and razors. I鈥檇 feel like I was drifting, disappearing, so I鈥檇 lock myself in my room and cut my lower arm and thighs out of desperation.
I remember the first time I did this was the first time I smiled in a long time. It was like the devil was using me. I was always scared right after I cleaned the self-inflicted wounds with spirit and plastered them up.
What made you think about cutting yourself?
My God, I don鈥檛 know. It must鈥檝e been out of desperation. I might鈥檝e been somewhat suicidal. I think I was. It鈥檚 hard now to figure out my motives and the things I did during that long foggy period. I wasn鈥檛 myself.
What made you eventually return home?
My husband persuaded me to come back, saying that my children needed their mother. I remember both our families begging me like I was this wicked person who didn鈥檛 want to be with her family. Not knowing I was struggling with myself. I allowed them to take me, and I returned to moping around in our house for another several years. I was like a ghost.
Did you stop cutting yourself?
I鈥檝e heard now that people get addicted to cutting. But I bless God I never got to that stage. It was shame that made me stop because when I returned to my husband鈥檚 house, he never let me leave his sight. I couldn鈥檛 imagine him finding out I was doing something like that, so I gave it up. Even when he found the healed and unhealed cuts I gave myself in Akure, I lied that they happened naturally due to my condition. He just shook his head and let it go.
What changed after a decade?
In 2000, a friend of mine who relocated to the US in the 80s invited me to visit with her in Houston, Texas, for a month. I think she and my husband had spoken to each other because I鈥檇 cut off ties with most of my friends since the whole thing started. She took me from therapist to therapist until one day, we went to see this woman who was a hypnotist.
Weren鈥檛 you scared to see a hypnotist?
I was nothing. I don鈥檛 think I even thought about it. I just let my friend take me anywhere, all the while wishing I could just be allowed to stay in one place and be. Surprisingly, this session was the first treatment to give me some long-lasting relief.
She didn鈥檛 ask me questions or proffer much advice because my depression was linked to a medical condition that would never disappear. That鈥檚 what made it so hard to manage. There was no talking through it, figuring out triggers, or getting closure; just my body鈥檚 inadequacy.
So how exactly did the hypnotherapy go?
Unfortunately, I don鈥檛 remember a thing beyond going there, meeting the kind black woman and leaving much lighter.
I see. And what changed exactly?
Alone in my room that night, my mind was blank in a new way. It was like I was open to new revelations. I realised my condition could be a blessing rather than a curse if I just opened my mind to see it that way. Because I no longer wanted to do anything, my condition indirectly freed me from the pressures of constantly chasing the vanities of life. Nothing really matters in life except what we make of it.
I鈥檓 not saying people should want to be depressed, but it鈥檚 happened to me. What can I make out of it?
What have you made out of it?
I鈥檝e achieved contentment. It stopped being important for me to compete with everyone else over every single thing. My body has forced me to focus on taking one step, one day at a time. I never want to go back to that stage of giving myself wounds to feel alive or insulting myself in my mind because I feel guilty over something God thought to give me naturally.
And work? Were you ever able to go back?
Not really. After so many years at home, my husband opened a supermarket for me to manage in 2001. It was about a year after the hypnotherapy 鈥 I did two sessions of that before returning to Nigeria.
I鈥檝e run the stores successfully for 21 years and expanded to three other locations on the mainland and one on the island. My eldest handles most of the operations now. God has been faithful.
It鈥檚 been 31 years since your first surgery. Are you still depressed?
I don鈥檛 even know anymore. I now take , so I鈥檓 very restless these days. I want to take walks, see my grandchildren and attend Sunday service, but I鈥檝e also been having short-term memory loss and finding it hard to concentrate on things.
At the end of the day, I don鈥檛 remember to care or be sad about these things. I鈥檓 content and ready for whatever life brings.
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