Every week, 91大神 spotlights the unfiltered stories of women navigating life, love, identity and everything in between.
What She Said will give women the mic to speak freely, honestly and openly, without shame about sex, politics, family, survival, and everything else life throws our way.
The subject of this week鈥檚 What She Said is a 28-year-old woman from Lagos who stayed after being cheated on, had two pregnancies and says she learned the hard way to trust her instincts.
Tell me about your relationship with your boss. How did you two meet? How did it start?
I had just gotten employed and was posted to John’s* unit. Our boss introduced us and said John would be my supervisor, training me in the field. It was my first proper job after NYSC, and unlike my service year in the medical field, this one was completely different. I worked in the marine industry as a demurrage officer.
On my first day, I came in around 7:30 a.m., not knowing everyone resumed by 9 a.m. John laughed about it, asked if I had eaten, and when I said no, asked if I liked Golden Morn. I said yes, and he actually made it for me. That small act made my first day easy.
He spent the whole day listening while I talked about myself. He was attentive, patient and funny. I felt comfortable with him immediately, like I鈥檇 known him all my life. He was also tall, dark, and hairy, just my type.
What drew you to him?
His kindness. He was attentive to every detail, never dismissive. When I made mistakes, he corrected me gently and took time to explain every task. He made learning feel easy. You know that kind of person who seems genuinely interested in you: your growth, your comfort, your day? That was him.
What was your dynamic like when you started working together?
He supervised every job I did before I submitted it. Over time, we got close. We even changed our phone passwords to each other鈥檚 birthdays so we wouldn鈥檛 forget. Less than a month in, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I agreed.
But after a while, I started noticing something. There was one particular number that called him every single day. Whenever that call came in, he鈥檇 step outside to answer, saying the network in the office was bad. He鈥檇 then stay on the phone for a long time.
When I asked, he said it was an older woman who wanted marriage badly. According to him, they鈥檇 ended things, but she wouldn鈥檛 let go. He said that she was just 鈥渄isturbing him.鈥
Did you believe him?
Honestly, my instincts said no. I asked again before we started dating if he was seeing anyone, if there was anyone who thought they were in a relationship with him, situationship, anything. He said no. Claimed he鈥檇 been single since 2019.
I even teased him about how he managed sexual urges if he鈥檇 been single that long. 2019 to 2023 was a long time. He said he had randoms, 鈥渘o one in particular.鈥 So, I believed him. Until the day I was playing a game on his phone and a message popped up: 鈥淎bout last night, I enjoyed what we shared. I鈥檓 out to make my hair, looking forward to having you at home.鈥
I froze. My curiosity got the better of me, and I opened the chat. There were plenty of messages between him and the same 鈥渙lder lady.鈥 I felt sick.
When I confronted him, he apologised immediately. He said he never meant to lie, that he only wanted to protect my feelings. That he鈥檇 already ended things when he met me, and I had nothing to worry about. He said all the right things, and he was so convincing that I forgave him.
How did things change after that?
A few weeks later, I missed my period. I鈥檓 one of those women whose cycle is like clockwork, so when I didn鈥檛 see it for over a week, I knew something was off. I took a pregnancy test, and it came out positive.
He was calm about it, said we鈥檇 go see my people and that I should keep it. At that moment, I felt happy, like maybe everything we鈥檇 been through was behind us. I even started rethinking my stance on marriage because of how he treated me. I come from a polygamous home, and my mum did not have it easy. It put me off marriage for most of my life.
But by the close of work that same day, I couldn鈥檛 reach him. He ignored my calls and didn鈥檛 reply to my texts. Then a message came through: 鈥淧lease, I can鈥檛 keep up with our relationship. I鈥檓 with my woman.鈥
I just dropped my phone, not crying at first. I was numb.
Next Read: Contraceptives Aren鈥檛 One-Size-Fits-All: 5 Women on Finding (or Avoiding) What Works
What? What happened next?
That night, I decided to terminate it. It felt like my only choice. He called later that night because I told him I was terminating the pregnancy, sounding calm, and said he鈥檇 come see me the next morning. He actually showed up at 5 a.m., and his house was far.
We argued about what to do, but he eventually agreed. I took the pills, and when I started bleeding, he cleaned me up. He was there the whole time, washing the blood, checking my temperature, and making sure I ate.
He was the same person who鈥檇 broken me, but now he was taking care of me like nothing had happened. It was confusing to be hurt and comforted by the same hands. He kept apologising, brought gifts and notes. I couldn鈥檛 even process it; I felt numb.
At work, he covered all my tasks and made sure my boss never noticed I wasn鈥檛 okay. I was physically weak and emotionally drained. I started questioning my decisions and why I鈥檇 ever fallen for him in the first place.
Did you stay with him after all of that?
Yes. It was the guilt. And love, if I鈥檓 being honest. I kept telling myself, God has forgiven me countless times, so why can鈥檛 I forgive him too? The guilt was eating me up because I thought I was being too hard, not forgiving him for cheating. I started attempting to accept the narrative that all men cheat. Besides the cheating, he was the perfect boyfriend. Very intentional to the point where he would go to market for me whenever I couldn鈥檛.
I prayed about it, even asked friends to fast and pray with me because he felt like someone I鈥檇 asked God for. Apart from the cheating, he was good to me. He treated me well, so I thought maybe that one flaw didn鈥檛 have to end everything.
Then what happened?
I鈥檇 been angry and distant, but he never stopped showing up: calling, apologising, doing everything right. We still went to church together, prayed together, and even studied the Bible together. Sometimes I joke that the devil and God must鈥檝e sat at the same table with that man because he knew how to blend charm and deceit perfectly.
He even spoke to our boss, who鈥檚 like a mentor to both of us. I thought our boss would scold him, but he said, 鈥淪o long as he鈥檚 not married to you, it鈥檚 not considered cheating.鈥 I was shattered.
That evening, we went for Bible study, but I couldn鈥檛 concentrate. I cried in the bathroom throughout. Later, he apologised for how our boss handled it. He promised he鈥檇 stop cheating 鈥渁fter we marry.鈥 I don鈥檛 even know what possessed me that night; we went to my house after work, and we made out.
One thing led to another, and I got pregnant again.
Whoa. When did you find out? How did it make you feel?
I didn鈥檛 even know I was pregnant because I had my period as usual. But two weeks later, I started bleeding again, this time with terrible abdominal pain.
We went from one hospital to another. Some said it was a cyst. One doctor ran another scan and said it was a pregnancy. I argued, how could it be a pregnancy when I鈥檇 just had my period?
We did more tests, and they confirmed it: ectopic pregnancy. They said it required immediate surgery.
Ectopic pregnancy means the baby developed outside your womb and has to be removed. I was informed before the surgery that it needed to be done to save my life before it ruptured, and it almost did; that鈥檚 why I was bleeding and thought it was my period. They had to take out one of my Fallopian Tubes. The doctors explained that if I ever lost both tubes, I鈥檇 only be able to get pregnant through IVF.
Now, I鈥檓 left with one tube and the constant reminder that I have to be careful; the chances of recurrence are higher. And only a few men understand a woman鈥檚 body. Anyone who sees the scar starts asking if I鈥檝e had a C-section.
That鈥檚 when it hit me, one careless decision, one night I thought was 鈥渏ust sex,鈥 had changed my entire life. I resented him even more because I knew I should鈥檝e left long before then. I realised I lacked boundaries, and he knew it. That鈥檚 why he kept having access to me.
I didn鈥檛 break up with him immediately, but I started actively detaching. I made sure I could stay days without talking to him and not panic. I stopped seeking his opinion on everything and learned to exist without him in the picture. Then a month later, when I felt ready, I told him I couldn鈥檛 continue the relationship.
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What happened afterwards?
Things got tense at work. I couldn鈥檛 work under him anymore, so I was transferred to another branch. Even after the transfer, our lives were still tied together; we had a joint account where we saved money for our plans. I had all his ATM cards because I was the one managing it. It took months, but I eventually transferred all his items and logins to him. Before that, I quickly removed my share of our money from the joint account and never used it again.
After he left the company, I found out he鈥檇 impregnated other women and even gotten engaged to two different ladies from our workplace. Throughout our 6-month relationship, he was cohabiting with another woman. I only went to his place once, because he was always at mine. The reasoning was that my place was closer to the office. Whenever he came over, I guess he鈥檇 block the other women鈥檚 numbers and lock their chats, because I never saw any evidence besides that first time.
That was when it truly sank in: all his apologies weren鈥檛 about changing; they were about hiding his cheating better. His parents are pastors, yet he was engaged to two women at once. I still don鈥檛 know what game he was playing or which parents he planned to take the second woman to.
Then, one day, a woman sent me a voice note and asked if I recognised the voice. I was busy, so I didn鈥檛 listen immediately. Later, she called and said she was his church prayer leader, that it was a matter of 鈥渓ife and death.鈥
When I finally listened, it was his voice. She said he鈥檇 engaged two women, impregnated four others, and two of them even worked in my branch. Apparently, he was now seeking 鈥渞estitution鈥 and needed forgiveness to be delivered from the 鈥渟pirit of lust.鈥 She also said they were accusing me of placing a curse on him, that nothing was working for him since I left. I just laughed. People will say anything when consequences catch up with them.
This prayer leader ended up adding me to a group with 8 other women. John was also added to the same group. It was there that he began seeking forgiveness from all of us. Besides me, he was dating all 7 of the other women, including the four he impregnated.
Before that call, I鈥檇 still felt guilty for leaving him. But that day, I jumped out of bed and started thanking God for saving me. I could鈥檝e been the fifth.
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I am sorry you went through all of this. What did you take out of this experience?
Everyone knows exactly what they鈥檙e doing. People test how much nonsense you can take.
Love doesn鈥檛 mean you should lose yourself. Go into relationships with God, and when He shows you a sign, don鈥檛 try to pray it away. Obey. Second chances are personal, but don鈥檛 keep giving someone opportunities to break you.
If someone disrespects you, don鈥檛 sit at that table.
If you could go back, would you do anything differently?
Well, I do not regret loving with pure intentions. But I would choose to love myself first this time. The Bible says, 鈥淟ove your neighbour as yourself,鈥 which means you come first. If someone loves you, they鈥檒l respect your choices.
Don鈥檛 cast and bind a situation God already told you to leave.
How are you now? What does healing look like for you?
I鈥檓 approaching 30 now, and my thoughts have changed. I鈥檓 no longer waiting, I鈥檓 living. If marriage comes, I鈥檒l marry; if it doesn鈥檛, I鈥檒l still find fulfilment in family, friends, travel, and work. I鈥檝e realised soulmates don鈥檛 only exist in marriage, they exist in solid connections too.
Healing isn鈥檛 linear. It鈥檚 a rough patch. I鈥檝e stopped blaming myself. I reward my progress, cry when it gets lonely, then keep moving forward, carefully. I鈥檓 learning to name every feeling and sit with it, not rush through it.
I鈥檓 learning to love myself like I once loved him, fully, intentionally, and without shame.
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