Marriage is often sold as a partnership built on love, trust, and commitment, but for many women, the reality looks very different. Sometimes, the moment they emotionally check out isn鈥檛 when the marriage ends on paper. It鈥檚 when betrayal, disrespect, or years of disappointment make them realise they can no longer invest their hearts in someone who has stopped showing up for them.
In this article, ten women revealed the moment when they checked out of their marriages.
1. 鈥淚 Can鈥檛 Divorce Him Because I鈥檒l Be Shamed鈥 鈥 Raliat*, 45
Before we got married, my boyfriend had always cheated on me, and when I wanted to break up with him, he told me that he would stop. I should never have believed him because he never stopped. His cheating got worse after the marriage, to the point where everyone in my neighbourhood was aware of his reputation.
Among my friends and family, he has made me the butt of the joke, and at first, I kept assuring myself that he would change for the better, but he has not. Being his wife is draining, and although my daughter keeps telling me that I could divorce him, I can鈥檛 because I know how much I鈥檒l be shamed for being a single mother. However, I have completely divorced him in my head, and I鈥檝e stopped having sex with him. My friends keep telling me he鈥檒l just use that as an excuse to cheat, but even when we were having sex, he was still cheating, so what鈥檚 the point?
2. 鈥淗e Went Behind My Back to Marry Someone鈥 鈥 Aisha*, 48
In my tenth year of marriage, my husband and his family brought a woman into our house and announced that she would be his second wife. I was absolutely gutted when I heard, and I got so angry when they all expected me to be diplomatic about it. My husband knew my position on marrying more than one wife. He knew I was adamantly against it, and still, he went behind my back to marry someone. When I confronted him about it in front of everyone, he didn鈥檛 even try to apologise and told me he wasn’t obligated to inform me about all the goings-on in his life. He ended it by telling me that I shouldn鈥檛 make a big deal out of nothing because he鈥檚 married to her, and there is nothing I can do about it.
After he said that, I carried our daughter to my parents鈥 house because I genuinely didn鈥檛 want to see him ever again. It was my mother who ended up forcing me to go back and accept the new wife, and while I did that, I started to detach from the marriage completely. It is obvious that he does not respect me or our marriage, so why should I continue to be attached to someone like that?
3. 鈥淢y Husband is More or Less of a Roommate These Days鈥 鈥 Titi*, 50聽聽
My husband is a deadbeat husband and father who has done nothing to make my life or my children鈥檚 lives better in any way. He thinks that the only way he can be a present husband is by providing half of his children鈥檚 school fees and giving me a small stipend for household expenses. After that, he clocks out.
I see my friend鈥檚 husbands giving them money to take care of themselves, and at first, it made me so jealous because my husband has never given me as little as five hundred naira to buy nail oil. One time, I even tried to get him to give me money to get my hair done, and he asked me why I was bothering myself with stupid things like that. I think that was when I realised that I was wasting my time with someone who does not love me.
Instead of wasting my time asking myself and God why my husband does not love me, I put all my energy into my business, which pays me well and has been fulfilling, because I mostly see him as more of a roommate these days. My children say it would be easier to just leave the marriage but honestly? It is too late to start my life all over again.
4. 鈥淚 Became Known as the Wife of the Drunkard鈥 鈥 Biola*, 60聽
My husband and I have been married for over thirty years now, and for twenty-two years of it, he battled severe alcohol addiction. At first, I didn鈥檛 think too much of it when he started drinking three beers in one sitting, but when he started to come home really drunk and vomit all over the house, I realised that it was bad.
I tried my best to get him to stop. I talked to his friends, his elder siblings, and even his parents in the hopes that they would talk some sense into him, but it didn鈥檛 work. He continued to drink until it became all he was known for on the street we lived on. I became known as the wife of the drunkard, and every job my husband had, he lost because he always went to work drunk. I had to shoulder the entire upkeep of the house because he didn鈥檛 seem to care about making sure our children had food to eat or money to go to school. I began to work from morning to night, and honestly, the exhaustion from that was enough for me to clock out of my marriage. I couldn鈥檛 handle working day and night, and an alcohol-loving husband together.
My husband is on a path of recovery now, and while I should be excited about it, I don鈥檛 feel anything. For years, I waited for him to turn back into the husband I knew before the alcoholism, and at some point, I got tired of waiting. It would make sense to just leave him since our children are now grown but, what鈥檚 the point when I could have left him earlier?聽
5. 鈥淚 Stopped Seeing Him as Someone I Love鈥 鈥 Favour*, 30聽
For two years, my husband and my best friend of fifteen years were apparently having an affair right under my nose. I was completely oblivious to it, even though my other friends kept telling me that it was weird that the two of them were so close. I never suspected them because I trusted them not to do something as awful as that to me, but they did.
I found out about it through one of our mutual friends, who sent me a picture of them kissing. When I saw it, I raised hell. I broke things in the house, screamed, cried, shouted at both of them for hours, and left the house for a long time. After weeks of anger, my body calmed, and I finally processed the betrayal. For two years, they went behind my back, and I didn鈥檛 know. I felt humiliated, and although I knew in that moment that I would still stay with my husband even after what he did, I told myself to stop seeing him as someone I love.
In my head, it鈥檚 better that way because I know that even with all the grovelling he did when I found out, he would still go back to cheating on me with someone else. I know that I could just leave him and find a new husband, but to me, it鈥檚 better to stay with the devil I鈥檝e known for a long time than an angel I barely know.
6. 鈥淚 Accepted the Fact That I鈥檓 Married to a Coward鈥 鈥 Ngozi*, 36
I began to mentally detach from my marriage when I accepted the fact that I鈥檓 married to a coward. My husband鈥檚 family is made up of the most diabolical human beings ever. Ever since I got married to him, I鈥檝e never had a moment of peace with them. I鈥檓 Igbo, he鈥檚 Yoruba, and because of that, they鈥檝e tagged me as the evil girl who is unworthy of their son. Every time they visited, they found something to nitpick and berate me for. They would call me all sorts of derogatory names, and found joy when I cried in front of them.
The thing is, I think I would not have cared too much about their actions if my husband had supported me, but unfortunately for me, he did not. When they called me worthless because all our children are girls, he did not say anything; when they called my mother useless for not teaching me manners, he stopped me from saying anything, and when his eldest sister flogged our lastborn till the point where she got bruised, he shouted at me for confronting his sibling. It was then that I realised that he is a coward, and there is no point expecting him to be there for me. He is my husband, but he hardly ever acts like that, and I cannot pretend everything is okay.
7. 鈥淚 Regret the Day My Husband Found Purpose in Religion鈥 鈥 Samiat*, 33
My husband is a big Alfa in our community, and because of this, he dedicates most of his time to others rather than to his family. It might seem blasphemous to say this, but I regret the day my husband found his so-called purpose in religion. I went from having my husband鈥檚 attention 24/7 to barely having him in the house. I do not have a problem with him responding to other people’s needs, but when he ignores his family because of them, that鈥檚 just unacceptable.
Our baby boy is ten, and he barely knows anything about his dad because he鈥檚 not even home. When he鈥檚 home, the only thing he cares about is if his son is up to date with his Madrasah (Arabic school). He does not even know I changed our son鈥檚 Madrasah because his last ustaz (teacher) almost killed him for me. My husband is a good man, but he鈥檚 emotionally unavailable, and that鈥檚 one thing I cannot accept. I鈥檓 only choosing not to leave the marriage because I don鈥檛 have the energy to deal with judgmental family members.
8. 鈥淚 Can鈥檛 See Myself Doing Forever With Him Again鈥 鈥 Tanya*, 30
My husband is someone who cannot regulate his emotions, and because of that, he makes everyone in the house uncomfortable. If I do something he is not satisfied with, he is quick to say all sorts of things to me. I grew up without flinching because my parents never shouted or laid a hand on their children, but I now flinch at every sound because my husband loves to declare his displeasure loudly.
We鈥檝e been married for eight years now, and honestly, I don鈥檛 see us making it to ten years together. He has his sweet moments, and there are days I’m reminded of why I fell in love with him, but I can鈥檛 see myself doing forever with him again.
9. 鈥淎 Man Who Loves Me Would Not Slap Me鈥 鈥 Quineth*, 29聽
The day my husband slapped me was the day I mentally left the marriage. I do not remember what caused us to start arguing that day, but I鈥檓 sure it was not serious enough to put his hand on me in front of my younger sister. I felt completely humiliated, and for days, I kept asking myself why he did that to me until I concluded that I didn鈥檛 deserve what he did to me. Although he and his family begged and stopped me from leaving the marriage, and he has not done anything like that again, I don鈥檛 feel like I’m in love with him like I was before. A man who loves me would not slap me.
10. 鈥淗e Doesn鈥檛 View Me as a Woman With Her Own Agency鈥 鈥 Mariam*, 45
I got married to my husband when I was 22, and he was 30, and we鈥檝e been married for 23 years now. I understand that it seems beautiful that we have lasted that long, but I mentally checked out after our tenth anniversary, when I saw women in their twenties going out and having fun. I鈥檓 aware that I made the choice to get married, but I resent him because he had his fun before getting married, and I did not.
Then, I got married, and I had to be the perfect Muslim wife who covers her hair and does not do anything to embarrass her husband. There have been many times when I tried to break out of that bubble of expectations, and he kept pushing me back in it without talking to me. He just expects me to do anything he asks me to do, and it鈥檚 hard not to see that he doesn鈥檛 view me as a woman with her own agency. I wish I could leave him, but I know I won鈥檛 be accepted by my family or community afterwards.
