For some women, being the sole breadwinner in a marriage does not change its dynamics. Their husbands adjust, share the responsibilities at home, and support them as they navigate work and family life.
For others, the shift in financial power comes with resentment, bruised egos, and expectations that women should still carry most of the household responsibilities.
In this article, eight women shared what happened when they became the primary, or only, earners in their relationships.
1. 鈥淚 Thought He Would Resent Me, But He Never Did鈥 鈥 Remi*, 45
My husband and I have been married for twenty years now, but in our second year of marriage, he lost his job, and I had to become the sole breadwinner of our then-household of three. At first, I was worried that losing the job and I being the temporary sole provider would complicate things and he would resent me, but he never did. When I was at work, he would clean the house, take care of our toddler without any fuss, and prepare dinner before I got home.
Even when he had a potential work interview to attend, he always managed to work around it without inconveniencing me. When his siblings were mocking him for turning into a 鈥渨oman,鈥 he paid no attention to them and didn鈥檛 change his attitude towards me. For a year, he didn鈥檛 have a job, but that never changed our dynamic. It even made me love him more.
2. 鈥淚 Had to Comfort a Man Who Didn鈥檛 Like聽 That His Wife Was The Breadwinner鈥 鈥 Olivia*, 40
My husband was unemployed for a long stretch, and I had to take over the household completely. It was not a memorable time for me because not only did I have to deal with my chaotic work, but I also had to keep stroking the ego of a man who hated the fact that his wife was the one bringing in the money. When he didn鈥檛 have a job, he would make me send him 50% of my salary to maintain his public image.
Overall, it was an annoying period because with him, there was no difference between being employed and being unemployed. I still had to take care of the house, pay a maruwa rider to pick up our children from school, and still cook even when I get back home late.
3. 鈥淚 Became The Breadwinner When My Husband Fell Into Drug Addiction鈥 鈥 Ife*, 50
I鈥檝e been the sole breadwinner for as long as I can remember. When my husband fell into drug addiction and lost his job, I had to be the one to step up because I didn鈥檛 want my children to end up like him. As the household’s main provider, I was fully respected by my husband. Though I think he was only respectful because I shared at least 4% of my salary with him.
Our relationship was strained, but it was not because I became the 鈥渕an鈥 of the house. His mind was usually out of it most days, but he never expressed resentment or anger towards me for having a job he didn鈥檛 have. He did not help around the house or anything, but apart from the drug addiction, he never added to my stress. It might seem like nothing, but I was constantly overwhelmed by everything going on at work and with our three children, so I was really glad I never had to worry about him much.
4. 鈥淗e Wanted Me to Be The Breadwinner But Also a Stay-at-Home Wife鈥 鈥 Lola*, 40聽
Because I earned a salary 60% higher than my ex-husband’s, I was relegated to being the breadwinner of the house, and honestly, I was completely alright with it until he expected me to also act like a stay-at-home mum. He knew the responsibilities of my then-job were a lot, and there would be times when I would never get home early, yet he wanted me home to cater to him and our children.
This never made sense to me because his own workplace was closer to our house, and he closed hours earlier than I did. So why he couldn鈥檛 take care of our children just never made sense to me. If I鈥檓 already contributing to most of the household finances, I shouldn鈥檛 be expected to carry 100% of the household responsibilities, too. We both work, so why was I the only one expected to do the household chores? It鈥檚 this reason why I decided that I didn鈥檛 want to be married to him anymore, and I鈥檝e been happier than ever with my decision.
5. 鈥淎fter Our Child Got Disabled, My Husband Stepped Down From His Job鈥 鈥 Maribelle*, 35
When our daughter got into an accident that temporarily disabled her for almost a year, my husband and I knew that one of us had to step down from our jobs so we could be there for her completely, and since I was making the most salary, it was a no-brainer. When we agreed that he would stay home with our daughter while I worked, we sat down to talk. I was afraid he might resent the situation over time, so I wanted to share my fears with him. He was also scared that I would resent him for being jobless.
Our conversation ended with both of us promising to communicate if we start to feel that the new dynamic is putting a significant strain on our marriage, but, surprisingly, we didn鈥檛 have any major issues. My husband easily adapted to taking full care of our daughter and the house, and I never, not once, felt like I needed to take over because he wasn鈥檛 doing a good job. He also never made me feel any guilt about making him the stay-at-home parent. In fact, he loved being close to our daughter so much that, even after she started walking again, he didn鈥檛 look for another job right away and stayed at home for six months.
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6. 鈥淗e Was Embarrassed That I Was Working And He Was Not鈥 鈥 Fati*, 39
When my husband and I married, I didn鈥檛 think anything was going to come between us until he lost his job, and I had to be the sole breadwinner. Honestly, I didn鈥檛 think it would be that much of a big deal because we didn鈥檛 have any children then, and our finances weren’t overwhelming. So, imagine my surprise when he started giving me the cold shoulder. At first, I didn鈥檛 notice because whenever I got back home, I was still expected to cook for us, so I was always so tired. Still, it wasn鈥檛 until a random weekend when we were out with my side of the family, and he started making passive-aggressive comments that everyone noticed before I realised.聽
When I asked him what was going on, he didn鈥檛 want to say anything, but then I kept pushing, and he finally told me. Apparently, it was embarrassing that I was working and he was not. I had to let him know quickly that he would have to learn how to be okay with it until he got a new job, or else our marriage would be severely affected, and I didn鈥檛 want that. Thankfully, he listened, and our marriage went back to normal. He ended up getting a job a couple of months after that.
7. 鈥淗e Said I Only Had a Mouth to Talk Because I Was The One With Money鈥澛 鈥 Ayo*, 40
When my ex-husband lost his job, and I had to take over the household, my children and I watched him transform into an awful person with a bruised ego. I don鈥檛 know if it was because he was trying to heal his ego, but he became extra mean to everyone in the house.
Before we got married, we agreed that we would never lay hands on our children, but then I would come back from work after a long day and be welcomed by the sight of my children crying from the whippings they took from their dad. Whenever I confronted him about it, he would somehow turn the conversation and tell me I only had a mouth to talk because I was the one with the money.
At some point, I realised that I couldn鈥檛 allow my children to be raised by a horrible man like that, so one day, when he was not home, I packed our bags and left the house for him. That was two years ago. He never even tried to reach out, and I鈥檓 glad, because I don鈥檛 want anything to do with him.
8. 鈥淲hen I Said No to Giving Him Money, He Slapped Me鈥 鈥 Atilola*, 36聽
When I introduced my mum to my fianc茅-turned-ex-husband, she was really worried about me because he was earning pennies at the time while I had a well-paying job. She warned me that if I became the sole breadwinner in the marriage, there was a big possibility that he would hate me, and she wanted me to be careful. I told her it was nothing to worry about and that she was just reading too much into it. Maybe I should have listened to her.
After we got married, my husband would do this thing where he would guilt me into giving him money, and if I didn鈥檛, he would start saying I didn鈥檛 respect him. He was also passive-aggressive towards me and hated that even his family members knew I was the one with money.
Over time, his resentment got worse. One day, he was trying to guilt me into giving him money, as always. When I said no, he slapped me. He said I was disrespectful and didn鈥檛 I know that as his wife, I was expected to follow everything he said? When I called my mum to let her know what happened, she and my dad came to our house the next day, and asked me to pack my bags. At first, I told them I didn鈥檛 want to leave because I was convinced that his slapping me was an error, but my mum said she would rather die than leave me alone with a financially insecure man. And honestly, thank God for her, because being away from him made me see things clearly, and now I would only give chances to men who are in the same tax bracket as I am.
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