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Nigerian parents wake up in the morning and choose violence every day. If they’re not sending you weird Whatsapp news, they’re pestering you to get married. We tried imagining what Nigerian parents’ browsing history could look like based on things they constantly complain about and came up with these:

1. “Names of teenagers that died because they went out with friends”

We get it. They don’t want us to have a life, but can they just chill?

2. “Are durags a sign of the Antichrist?”

When is anything not the sign of the Antichrist to them?

3. “Video of a 10-year-old boy preaching”

I can still say John 3:16; please leave me alone. 

4. “7-year-old in Harvard”

Okay, daddy. Maybe if your family had good brain genes now….

5. “Why is my child not married?”

Because I belong to the streets. Get with the program.

6. “Do people lose their sight by pressing phones?”

Do people lose their voices by shouting too much?

7. “How to summon slippers and belts with your mind”

Omo! They would have learnt how to do this if they could. 

8. “Tope Alabi music download”

Having to explain how streaming services work to Nigerian parents is my 13ᵗʰ  reason. 

9. “Kolanut health benefits”

I don’t care. This shit is way too bitter. Miss me with it.

10. “Daily scriptures for wayward children”

If you can’t raise a bad bitch, don’t give birth to one. 

11. “How to be right all the time”

Will you people die if you apologise just once?

12. “How to see my kids’ WhatsApp status”

Search from now till tomorrow, you won’t find it. We’re trying to protect you here. 

13. “How to leave the channel on CNN/NTA forever”

Why do they always lie that they are watching the news when all they do is fall asleep?

14.“ When will I become a grandparent?”

Except we can sell them as NFTs, never. Don’t be angry.

15. “Names of women that have gotten pregnant from talking to boys”

Nigerian parents will ruin you by telling you to run away from boys and still have the guts to ask you why you don’t want to get married. 

16. “How much is an iPhone?”

Whatever amount we tell you, mind your own business and don’t tell us to buy it for you. 

17. “How to know your child’s salary”

You can’t. You shouldn’t. Send all of us weekly allowance, please. We’re going through it.