Just to be clear, this听isn鈥檛 a tutorial on how to be an actual Lagos big boy. That cannot be taught. It鈥檚 innate –I mean, we can’t all be Noble Igwe. But I can tell you how to pass for one for like a day, or at most a couple of weeks, depending on your intentions. And by intentions, I mean which girl you want to deceive.
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1. A White Trad/Native
This is the Lagos Big Boy uniform. It has to be crisp and super starched. And very very white.
Not that one in your closet with that tacky crest, please, that phase has passed, thankfully.
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2. A Proper Beard
A Lagos Big Boy has to be good looking. Notice I didn鈥檛 say handsome? Yeah, that鈥檚 because you don鈥檛 need to be handsome. If you have a face only a mother could love, a beard will be your saving grace.
A beard is to guys, what makeup is to girls, so start grooming one.
But if your facial hair is lagging behind in growth, you might want to look into buying hair growth supplement. You don鈥檛 want to look like this鈥
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Noble Igwe has made it easy for you. Just on what you need for the ultimate groomed beard. Make sure to read and as well. For inspiration on what to aspire for, .
You鈥檙e welcome.
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3. Car Keys
Most Lagos big boys either drive a Range or a G-Wagon, but this is about being a Lagos Big Boy on a budget, I really don鈥檛 expect you to have a car, or even if you do, I don鈥檛 expect it to be up to par.
All you really need is the illusion. So, keep the car keys visible at all times (preferably on the table in front of you), it will take a while for people to notice you don鈥檛 actually have a car.
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4. An Accent or Two
The strangest thing about being a Lagos Big Boy is that no one actually expects you to stay in Lagos. I mean sure you are expected to visit on select holidays and stuff, but you need to have done some serious time abroad.
So what better way to convince people that you just came back from the 鈥楢murica鈥, than a couple of OAP-grade accents?
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5.听Haircut from Kayz Place
This isn鈥檛 even about how good the haircuts are (trust me, they are), this is about the clientele.
https://instagram.com/p/1Fgz23q0fy/
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A Lagos Big Boy needs Lagos Big Boy friends, and this is your safest bet to meet some.
https://instagram.com/p/zpnDEhK0eu/
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Think of that 1,500/haircut as an investment, and remember to tip your barber.
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6. An iPhone (The newest one, obviously)
I don’t really need to justify this. It鈥檚 simple, no one is trying to see your Samsung, even if it is an S6.
I don鈥檛 make the rules. Sorry.
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7. A Light Skinned Babe or Two or Three
I鈥檓 not even joking.
No one cares about how beautiful your dark-skinned girl is, if she isn鈥檛 competing for听brightness with your white trad, you need to find someone else.
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8. Live On the Island
And by Island I don鈥檛 mean Ajah, no one is trying to do cross country for you, sir.
So squat with a friend long enough to create that illusion and you鈥檙e golden.
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9. Name Drop
Make sure you find a way to mention that celebrity you partied with last week, whether the conversation calls for it at all.
鈥淐ould you pass the salt?鈥
鈥淲izkid likes salt too, he told me last time we saw.鈥
Yup, it doesn鈥檛 even have to make sense. Just do it.
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10. High Body Count
You鈥檙e a virgin?! What are you even doing here?
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Either you find a way to lose the V-card or kill all the witnesses to your lack of action!
OR you could just听lie to your friends when you tell them 鈥淚听hit听that鈥 about babes you鈥檙e just friends with, like only a real Lagos Big Boy would.
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11. Sunglasses at all times
Don鈥檛 be that guy that wears them into buildings and you鈥檒l be good.
Just make sure you have it on hand for even the slightest glare. Anything that makes you look better than you actually do is a big plus.
Especially when you get one that actually suits your face.
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Did we miss anything? Do you agree with this guide? Sound off in the comments section.
