In this story, Juliet* (31) talks about navigating relationships as a person living with a disability. She shares her past dating experiences and why she鈥檚 extra careful about romantic relationships now.
As told to Boluwatife
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I鈥檓 used to the stares.
Everywhere I go, people stop and stare at me. The funniest of the lot are those who think they do a good job of hiding their stares. But I only have partial limb paralysis; I鈥檓 not blind. I see how they silently gesture to their friends to look at me.聽
Polio hit when I was two, and I鈥檝e been walking with a bad limp since then. It got worse when I got into secondary school. As a teenager, that wasn鈥檛 great. As a secondary school student, it was even worse. I was bullied a lot.
My nickname in school was 鈥淢iss Koi Koi鈥 because of the crutches I used occasionally when I felt more pain than usual from my deformed leg. The crutches gave a 鈥渒oi鈥 sound 鈥 hence the nickname.
I think my classmates were just jealous that the teachers had a soft spot for me, and I never had to participate in the compulsory sports activities every Wednesday.
I didn鈥檛 have a boyfriend until SS 2. Jesse* was one of the few people who were nice to me in class. Interestingly, we only got to know each other after a teacher forced us to share a seat in class. We became friends after I shared my yoghurt with him one time.
I鈥檓 not sure how we started 鈥渄ating鈥. Our classmates began calling us husband and wife because we sat together and always talked in class, and we just went with it. I didn鈥檛 mind, and I felt like I could finally 鈥渂elong鈥 with my classmates. School relationships were a thing, and being part of that group made me feel normal.
We only dated for a term, though. Whatever we had ended after I saw him joking and laughing with one of my bullies and I confronted him about it. It turned into a fight and I can鈥檛 forget a line he said: 鈥淚鈥檓 even pitying you by talking to you and you鈥檙e disturbing me鈥.聽
It was as if someone poured cold water on me. He wasn鈥檛 talking to me because he found me interesting. He was just being a nice guy trying to save me from having no one else to talk to. Our 鈥渞elationship鈥 ended there, and we found a way to exchange seat partners.
I still get pity just as much as the stares, and while pity helps when people give up their seats for me on the bus, it doesn鈥檛 feel so great in relationships. When I say relationships, I also mean friendships because I鈥檝e only had two other boyfriends in my life. I met most of my long-term friends at a baking school in 2014. They鈥檙e good people, but I feel somehow when they don鈥檛 invite me out for things because they think I shouldn鈥檛 walk too much or when they feel uncomfortable when people stare at me.
When I met my second boyfriend on Facebook in 2016, I told him about my condition and he seemed fine with it. But he also thought he was doing me a favour by dating me. Anytime we argued, he鈥檇 complain about how I didn鈥檛 appreciate him being with me and not minding what people might say about my disability. This was someone who didn鈥檛 even introduce me to his family or friends. We dated for a year before he went to marry someone from his village.
I don鈥檛 know if I should even call my last partner a 鈥渂oyfriend鈥 鈥 we were only together for two weeks in 2018. He was a neighbour, and he started avoiding me after we had sex a couple of times. That was strange because he put so much effort into toasting me, which was why I even agreed to date a neighbour. I think he just wanted to know what sex with a disabled person was like. I really thought he genuinely loved me, and I felt stupid when it ended.
I鈥檝e been single since then, but it鈥檚 not like I don鈥檛 get suitors. I鈥檓 fairly active on Facebook and men flood my DMs every time I post my pictures or make funny posts about my experiences living with a disability. They say stuff like, they wish they could marry me so I wouldn鈥檛 be lonely or that they鈥檙e 鈥渨illing鈥 to give us a chance because I seem interesting.
Once, I jokingly talked about some of these DMs on Facebook as well, and people implied I was just being difficult. People seem to think I shouldn鈥檛 have a choice just because I鈥檓 disabled. They expect that I should be happy some men are even showing interest. But what kind of interest is 鈥淚鈥檓 willing to give us a chance鈥? That sounds like they鈥檙e trying to save me from a life of loneliness. It鈥檚 just pity, and I鈥檓 tired of it because I know a day will come when they will rub it in my face.
I want love, and I hope to get married someday. But I see how men treat able-bodied women every day. How much more will they treat someone they think they鈥檙e doing a favour? I鈥檓 really scared of that.
I feel lonely most times, but maybe that鈥檚 better than being with another man who will destroy the small self-esteem I鈥檝e managed to develop.
*Names have been changed for anonymity.
NEXT READ: Men Want to Have Sex With Me but Avoid Me in Public
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