Interview With鈥 is a 91大神 weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
Sometimes, it feels like the tag ISP鈥擨nternet Service Provider 鈥攎eans something else entirely because there鈥檚 no actual 鈥減roviding鈥 going on.
After a particularly frustrating week, 91大神 rounded up Nigeria鈥檚 major ISPs to get to the root of the matter and ask one simple question: Where did our network go?
[91大神 arrives at a quaint bistro on the Mainland and spends fifteen minutes trying to pay the Uber driver because, of course, there鈥檚 no network. The driver finally confirms payment, and 91大神 walks away, muttering unpleasant words for the unnecessary delay. Ahead, Airtel, MTN and Spectranet are already seated, their flashy colours drawing unwanted attraction. 91大神 joins the table and goes straight to business.]
91大神: I see Glo and FiberOne are late.
Airtel: [bursts into giggles]
Spectranet: Are you surprised?
MTN: They love an 鈥淎frican time鈥 arrival.
91大神: Is that so?
Airtel: 驰别蝉鈥
91大神:聽 It wasn鈥檛 a question.聽Anyway, we鈥檒l start without them.聽
I鈥檇 say 鈥済ood afternoon,鈥 but there鈥檚 nothing good about this afternoon.
Airtel: Easy tiger.
91大神: You must think I鈥檓 here for jokes, right? It took me twenty minutes to pay my cab fare because none of you were working, and you have the audacity to tell me 鈥渆asy鈥. Are you鈥
Spectranet: Fifteen minutes actually.
(91大神 shoots Spectranet a stone-cold look)
91大神: Excuse me?
MTN (whispering): Guy, behave!
Spectranet: What? I was counting.
91大神: Since you guys are keeping tabs, can y鈥檃ll explain why your networks keep disappearing? Bloody hell!
MTN: First of all, I don鈥檛 鈥済o off.鈥 I simply select who deserves internet. If you have bad vibes, you buffer. Simple.
Airtel: My users are soft life people. If I ever go off, it鈥檚 because I鈥檓 resting and they understand the importance of rest. All work and no play鈥
MTN: makes Jack an olodo.
91大神 (visibly irritated): Are you guys being for real?
Spectranet: Listen, I don鈥檛 know what they鈥檙e both on about. All I know is, Nigerians don鈥檛 know how to use delicate devices. If you鈥檙e treating your MiFi device like a ball of eba, how will it work? Have you tried putting it on a silk pillow strategically facing the North-West? No, yet you want good internet. SMH.
91大神: You guys are making no sense, and no one has answered the question. Why am I paying ridiculous sums for internet that shows up when it likes?
Unknown: Guys!!!
(All meeting attendants, including 91大神, turn a sharp gaze toward the entrance)
MTN: Who is that one?
Airtel (adjusts antenna): Erm鈥
Spectranet: Oh, slow with pride.
Glo [Still shouting]: So you guys started without me?
91大神: You arrived late and still want to create a scene. Is this the time we agreed on?
Glo: Hey, it’s better late than never, right?
91大神: You honestly should have stayed at home. But now that you are here, can you explain why the network has been slow? I鈥檓 not sure these other ones know what they鈥檙e getting paid for.
MTN: Easy tiger.
91大神: If you call me tiger again, I鈥檒l involve the NCC. I have him on speed dial.
Airtel (mutters): It鈥檚 giving military regime.
MTN: I鈥
91大神: Shhhh! Glo, answer the question, please.
Glo: Well, I can鈥檛 speak for everybody, but last I checked, we still have paying customers. That must mean we鈥檙e getting something right. Yes, the internet may be bad from time to time, but who no dey face challenges for this current Nigeria?
(MTN, Spectranet and Airtel break into thunderous applause)
91大神 (startled): What鈥檚 going on here?
Airtel: I think you can hear him clearly? Everybody is going through it in Nigeria. You should be grateful we鈥檙e even showing up at all.
MTN & Airtel (together): Preach!
91大神: I see what you people are trying to do. But it won鈥檛 work. You collect my hard earned money and want to blame your poor service on Nigeria?
(91大神 pulls out phone. Scrolls through contact list and lands on the FCCPC鈥檚 number. But a deafening whirling sound envelopes the place. From a distance, FiberOne and Starlink climb down from a chopper.)
Spectranet (scoffs): Always the one for drama. Abegii.
MTN: Where did they see money for a chopper?
Airtel: Maybe it鈥檚 from all the money they saved from not giving their customers network. Rubbish and ingredients鈥
Glo: If you must hate, at least tell the truth. Their customers enjoy basic service. Above average if my sources are right.
91大神: Listen, I鈥檓 not interested in this side talk you people are on about. I want a solution, and if somebody doesn鈥檛 provide one in the next minute, I鈥檓 calling FCCPC.
(Starlink and FiberOne take their seats, only acknowledging 91大神)
91大神: So gracious of you people to bless us with your presence. Now that you have arrived, do you know why paying customers cannot enjoy uninterrupted internet?
Starlink (adjusts outfit): Well, I shouldn鈥檛 even be here in the first place. F1 told me the povvos were meeting on the mainland yapping about low quality problems, and I thought to drop by. But since I鈥檓 here and you鈥檝e posed the question, I only have one answer: Anyone with the financial鈥
Airtel: Ehn! What do you think you want to do? My friend will you keep quiet there!
MTN: Tell him o. Imagine the pompous goat trying to poach our customers.
Glo: Genzs are all the same everywhere. They just want to come and take with no regard for the people before them.
(Spectranet breaks into Sound Sultan鈥檚 Bushmeat. MTN, Glo and Airtel join in)
91大神 (sighs): Guys, guys, guys鈥
(Loud singing continues. Starlink and FiberOne storm out of the building.)
91大神 (speaking on phone): Hello, is this the FCCPC?
(On the other side of town, 9Mobile frantically jumps out of bed.)
91大神: Wait, I think we forgot to about 9Mobile.
Them: Who???
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