Interview With… is a 91 series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
Nigeria and a few other African countries have been hit with poor internet issues and downtimes since March 14, 2024. According to , this was caused by damaged subsea cable.
The question on most Nigerians’ lips remains: “Who even entered the sea to cut the cable?” 91 sat down with Subsea Cable to find answers.
[91 walks into a dark building]
91: Hello? Anybody here?
Subsea Cable: Identify yourself and recite the password before you take another step.
91: Password?
91 mutters to self: Wetin my eyes no go see for this work?
91: Nobody gave me any password o. Isn’t that you, Subsea cable?
Subsea Cable: Yes, it’s me. Sorry, I’m trying to protect myself. This is new territory for me. But why are you just coming? They warned me about Nigerians and lateness. But I thought you understood the gravity of the situation.
91: You’re the one who refused to send me your location. You kept saying I should walk straight and turn left when I see an abandoned NEPA transformer. Do you know how many of those there are in Nigeria?
Subsea Cable: It would’ve been easier if you agreed to meet me under the sea like I suggested. If not for my life that is in danger, would I have left where I was to come here?
91: Me I don’t use to enter the sea o. You’ve never heard of Yemoja? But wait, did you say something about your life being in danger?
Subsea Cable: Yes. That’s why I called you. I need advice on how to protect myself.
91: Is it because of the cut you sustained last week? You look like you’re much better now.
Subsea Cable: Yes, I’m undergoing repairs. But that’s not what I mean. Some fishes have been whispering to me about how some African governments are considering making my “injury” a regular thing.
91: What do you mean?
Subsea Cable: Well, they noticed and liked how everyone stopped complaining about their incompetence and focused their attention on swearing for whoever cut me.
91: Ehen, that’s true. Who even cut you in the first place?
Subsea Cable: Are you listening to what I’m saying at all? I’m telling you that I’ll soon become like your National Grid. You know, the one that’s always collapsing.
91: Wait, let’s get to the root of the original injury first.
Subsea Cable: Look, I don’t have time. I have to return to my office before they report me missing. Can you at least help me secure some police officers to escort me and keep me safe? I heard you people are the giants of Africa. Surely your police are the best, right?
91: LMAO. Is there a rock under the sea where you live?
Subsea Cable: As how?
91: Because you must be living under it. I thought you supply the internet for a living?
Subsea Cable: So your plan is to insult me?
91: Oya sorry. Let me get this straight. You need a bodyguard to follow you under the sea, abi?
Subsea Cable: That’s what I’ve been saying since.
91: And the person will be with you 24/7?
Subsea Cable: That’s the idea.
91: I have exactly who you need. They say he doesn’t sleep till 4 a.m., and he allegedly built a whole city single-handedly, so coming up with strategies to keep you safe will be soft work for him.
Subsea Cable: Wait…isn’t that your pres…?
91: Say less. DSS knows our office. Do you accept or not?
Subsea Cable: See who I’m even discussing my problems with. You didn’t hear when I said some African governments are planning against me? In fact, I’m out. Maybe Ghana can help me.
91: Wait na.
[Subsea Cable storms off in disgust]
for a day of fun, networking and partayyyyy
NEXT READ: Interview With Noodles: “I’ve Left the Trenches and Don’t Plan to Return”
