Interview With…聽is a 91大神 weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
Nigeria鈥檚 Minister of Information, Lai Mohammed, has been caught in a lie a few times too many. In fact, someone on made a thread of he has told over time. At a point, Nigerians began to blame his lies on the cap that he wore.
The cap reached out to 91大神 for an interview so it could clear its name. Let鈥檚 just say that things didn鈥檛 go the way we expected them to.
91大神: Hello.
Lai Mohammed鈥檚 Cap: It鈥檚 good to see you.
That one is your business.
Ahan, why?
Me I don鈥檛 want wahala. Let鈥檚 just finish this interview so you can go before your owner starts looking for you.
I assure you, there can be no trouble. Shebi I was the one who entered you people鈥檚 office with my two legs? Believe me, I’ll say what I have to say and leave here before people notice that I鈥檓 missing.
Alright, start.
First of all, I didn鈥檛 choose this life. It chose me.
That is what you all say.
Believe me. Listen, when I was being sketched on a notepad, even my designer did not think I would end up this way. In fact, when they finished making me and my siblings, they just dumped us together in one nylon and kept us in the shop. It was only one cap they used to advertise the rest of us, and that was me. One day, I just saw that they packed me and siblings inside one bag and took us away. Next thing I knew, I was on someone鈥檚 head.
I saw that the head was strong, and that the hair on it was scanty and white. I was even scared. It was when the person looked in the mirror that I saw it was Lai Mohammed. I screamed.
Chai!
Yes, he’s a politician, but that鈥檚 not enough reason to be happy. Nigerian politicians have a special reason for wearing caps which nobody knows. Should I say it?
Go on.
They receive curses everyday. The caps they wear is how they dodge some of these curses.
You don鈥檛 mean it.
Look, my master Lai might be a liar, but me his cap, I cannot lie to you. Tell me, when last did you see any Nigerian politician without a cap?
Hmm.
I know what I am saying. I could give you a list of names if you think I鈥檓 lying.
But wait oh.
Yes?
You are changing the story here, please.
As how?
People are saying that it is when Lai Mohammed puts you on that he becomes鈥
A liar?
I didn鈥檛 say that. Don鈥檛 kobalise me, please.
So what does he become?
An editor of true events鈥
See, you can say all you want, but I know that I stand for the truth. I was designed to be a cap of truth. I just ended up in the hands of a man who has dragged my reputation down the mud.
Do you know how painful it is? That man has soiled my name for life. Any respectable person cannot wear me and go scot free. People will call that person a liar. This breaks my heart.
This cap, you are lying.
Ehn?
Yes, I said what I said. You this cap, you are capping.
So even after all I said, you still think I am a liar?
Yes.
Oya prove it.
We all know Fashola to be a responsible man鈥
翱办补测鈥
But he put you on, and he became Fashola Holmes, a detective who was discovering camera.
That鈥檚 the mistake you are making. You think Fashola tells the truth 100%? If you believe that, then I have a plot of beach to sell to you.
My point is, you too, you are responsible.
Responsible for what?
Your owner can be a liar, but when they put you on, the lie multiplies.
I-
That is when Lai鈥檚 mouth will assume multiple shapes. He already has you on; the lies can flow easily.
Hmm. I see you don鈥檛 like the truth.
We like the truth. We just don鈥檛 want to hear it from you.
In that case, you must pay.
Pay for what?
For calling me a liar, of course! I carried myself into your office, cleaned up my act and said let me rebrand ahead of the 2023 elections so that a new politician can pick me up, but you have chosen to spoil that market by calling me a liar, abi?
Very good. [Begins to dial a number]
Who are you calling? Don鈥檛 try rubbish oh.
Shebi I am the liar? I will kuku lie that lie today. I will show you that I did my internship under Lai Mohammed. If they don鈥檛 ban you, call me a bastard.
Hmm. You this cap, come and be going oh. We don鈥檛 want wahala, please.
Hello Daddy Lai. It鈥檚 me, your cap. I鈥檓 at this office and they said that you are a liar, and that you want to destroy Nigeria.
Ah, I did not say that oh.
Their address? It is at Number-
[91大神 runs away.]
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click聽here.
Interview With Nigeria鈥檚 Coat of Arms
[donation]
