91����

Hear Me Out is a weekly limited series where Ifoghale and Ibukun share the unsolicited opinions some people are thinking, others are living but everyone should hear.

I like the idea of phone sex because I often find myself pitying long-distance couples. If you spend hours talking on the phone with your partner, have virtual dates and parties on Zoom, should phone sex seem that weird?

On a Sunday morning about six months ago, I got three separate voice notes from a friend on Snapchat — a three act narration of her phone sex experience. I don’t usually consider myself an amebo, but I was eating this gist up like ewa agoyin and then asking for more.

What had started out for my friend as a lonely evening in a hotel bed in Abuja with an admittedly big bottle of wine in the space beside her, had turned into a restless need to be touched. When it became clear her usual people were too far away to come over, she decided to browse through her FaceTime contacts for some company. That’s where she found him.

Honestly, she didn’t even consider this guy to be a friend. He was someone she knew a long time ago who had indicated interest in her. Nothing else was special about him. At that moment when she needed to feel something, to have someone watch her and desire her in the watching, his face on her phone screen was good enough. By the time she sent me those voice notes, my friend’s wants were  satisfied.

Phone sex, before anything else, satisfies a special kind of horny. It’s for that urgent horny. The horny that believes it’s strong enough to defeat the wahala of Nigerian networks.

I get it — I do. I’ve found myself far away from my love interests for most of my life. At first, it was university whisking me away from my secondary school love, and later, work. Most recently, it was NYSC. Because of these, phone sex was simply where my life naturally arrived — but why exactly did I turn to it?

Phone sex, before anything else, satisfies a specific kind of horny. It’s for that urgent horny. The horny that believes it’s strong enough to defeat the wahala of Nigerian networks and doesn’t care for all the awkwardness of purely talking someone else to the point where they satisfy their needs. And it can get awkward, I’ll admit.

In my first experience, there were moments where we both fell silent because I didn’t know what to say. When I did speak, I was a little worried I was saying the wrong things.

The thoughts in my head  went from “Is this what she wants to hear?” to “Should I fake a moan? Would that be obvious?” and finally, some minutes into the thick of it, “So I can join Twitter moaning competitions like this?”

Later, when I wasn’t lowkey cringing at how thirsty two people can sound when they’re horny, I thought about how I was forced to open up. I had shared entirely new things with my partner, and this brought us closer.

Our conversations became vast and more fluid. We’d moved past the phase of trying to figure out what we couldn’t say in the relationship, and suddenly we could talk about sex without holding back. I felt like our relationship had reached the next level.

My desire to keep my partner interested forces me to become vulnerable. When I fear I’m about to kill the vibe, the only thing left to do is to become explicit about what I want to see, feel or hear. My least favourite thing about phone sex — the part where I worry about saying something so boring, my partner starts to roll their eyes  — is also the part I need the most.

Another great thing about phone sex is the way it can turn just about anybody into a listener. If you’re worried your partner isn’t paying attention to you, let me tell you about the give and take energy in phone sex.

Like with all sex, there’s very little fulfilment if your partner is not interested. Though, the stakes are much higher with phone sex. It’s tough to fake interest behind a screen from many miles away; you’ll really need to listen to what your partner enjoys.

I was curious about whether I was the only person who sometimes found it awkward, and so I went around asking.

Someone told me on WhatsApp: “If I’m not comfortable with the person or not in the mood, then shit, it’s probably going to suck. There’s no point.”

And another friend on iMessage: “I was sometimes confused about what he was saying, but it wasn’t all bad once I got into it. The problem was that I wasn’t always into it. But video calls and voice notes work like magic!”

The cool thing about phone sex is there are so many ways it can happen: over texts, voice call, video call, whatever you and your partner find most comfortable. Just because they’re not in the same room as you doesn’t mean you have to pocket your desires and go to bed.

Thinking back to those three voicenotes, I remember my friend swearing that the best part of phone sex is the hunger.

“I love that my partner thinks my body is such a turn on, even if they can’t touch me at that moment. Sometimes, it helps to build momentum for when you actually get to see the person.” I agree with this, especially when I remember the times my in-person sexual experiences started off over phone calls.

I’m single now and about 16 hours away from my current love interest. Whether or not they’ll eventually love me back (don’t ask me about this) is uncertain, but I plan to bring up phone sex if we ever take things forward. Because I know for sure that I might be on the move again soon, and my horny will likely come along with me. If you’re like me, young and unsettled — hear me out — you might want to read this again.

Hear Me Out is a brand new limited series from 91����, and you can check back every Saturday by 9 a.m. for new episodes from Ifoghale and Ibukun.