For men suffering from depression, there鈥檚 no end to the things it steals from them. Joy, time and fulfilment are only a few. In addition to this, it also takes away your ability to build and enjoy meaningful relationships. I spoke to six men about how depression affects their relationships.
Caleb
With my friends, there鈥檚 some sort of wall. It鈥檚 hard, I won鈥檛 lie. I鈥檓 always second-guessing a lot of things and I can鈥檛 be confident in my own happiness.
With romantic relationships, I just refuse to let myself commit. I refuse to let any progress happen because I鈥檓 scared that something will go off and I鈥檒l sink back into depression. So I play it safe. The thing is, you need to be vulnerable with your partner in order to build a strong relationship, but how do you get vulnerable enough to explain that you鈥檙e depressed. There鈥檚 no guarantee that they鈥檒l understand you enough to process it. So when I鈥檓 unable to tell them, it鈥檚 like I鈥檓 around people who don鈥檛 really see me.
Samuel
When I鈥檓 depressed, I tend to withdraw from my partners because I assume that I鈥檓 being annoying or I鈥檓 ruining their mood. I鈥檝e had romantic partners who would shut me out whenever I was depressed. More often than not, they would try to lift my spirits with sex. Of course, when I鈥檓 depressed, I鈥檓 in no mood for sex because I don鈥檛 even love myself.
My current partner is understanding. She lets me know that she is available to talk if I need to but also tried her best to give me space because she knows I can be quite withdrawn when I鈥檓 having depressive episodes.
Richard
I resisted getting help for depression for a long time because I didn鈥檛 realize I was depressed. It took me a long time to recognize the difference between regular unhappiness/discontent and depression. I knew I wasn鈥檛 happy, but I ascribed my emotional state to my circumstances 鈥 and I convinced myself I鈥檒l be happy as soon as XYZ happens 鈥 new job, new girlfriend, etc. Finding things (or people) to numb the pain or distract your mind is pretty easy, but it doesn鈥檛 really fix the problem, it just makes it bearable for a while.
Depression ruins relationships. It can make you withdraw or lose interest, or try to push your partner away, without really knowing why. I鈥檝e done it. With great effort and lots of pain, I鈥檝e pushed away girls who I loved deeply because I felt wrong inside and I couldn鈥檛 feel what I knew I should feel. I could think about feelings, but I鈥檇 become so conditioned to guarding and repressing my 鈥渟oft鈥 feelings (like love) that I couldn鈥檛 open up and express them.
Nathan
My friends and partners try to be understanding, but eventually, it begins to wear them out. They eventually start to keep their distance. Sometimes, they even blame you because they think you鈥檙e not trying to get better. I smile and try to keep my issues away from them but it really wears me out.
Abdul
It feels like I don鈥檛 belong anywhere. Connecting with family is really hard and building relationships with women I like is even more difficult. I talk to them for a few days and I just get tired. It鈥檚 hard to socialise with people and going out is really difficult.
Tobi
The fear of losing people makes me lose people. It鈥檚 weird. My friends who used to be there for me have distanced themselves. We hardly talk anymore. I鈥檇 tell some of them that I need some space so I don鈥檛 ruin our relationship and they go on guilt-trip me for being too uptight and selfish. I don鈥檛 want to make new friends because I鈥檓 afraid I鈥檓 just going to withdraw from them again and I鈥檒l get hurt.
Want to disappear down a rabbit hole of men-focused content? Click here.
[donation]
