December is to Nigerians what summer is to the rest of the world, a month of going crazy and being the best hoe you can be. With IJGBs coming back home for the holidays, the hook-up pool will be as wide (and as dirty) as Lagos beaches, but we鈥檙e here for it. As the first major December post-lockdown, this is not the time to be getting into relationships. Do you want to break up with your girl and make it look like it鈥檚 her idea? Here are a couple of moves you should try without having to cheat.
1. Become an Arsenal fan
Announce to her that you鈥檙e switching teams. Joining a club known for failure clearly shows that you have no plans to excel in life. She鈥檇 be forced to re-evaluate her future with you and before you know it, she鈥檒l give up on you. Freedom to fornicate anyhow!
2. Go out to eat without her
They say the way to a man鈥檚 heart is food, but these days, that statement feels like a scam. We all know how Nigerian women love themselves some food 鈥 before you can breathe, 鈥淲hen are we going to try that new restaurant?鈥 Go alone and try out that new restaurant she suggested. If you鈥檙e feeling extra, order pasta and put it on your IG story. You won鈥檛 meet her at home.
3. Start comparing her to your ex
Want to really set the ball rolling on your break-up so you can be free before the first IJGB lands in the airport? Randomly start comparing your girlfriend to your ex. 鈥淔olake would never鈥︹ or 鈥淐hinasa always made it this way.鈥 Do this once or twice and she鈥檒l either poison you or leave. It鈥檚 a risk. But, as the great philosopher Akpi once said, 鈥漈ake risks and succeed.鈥
4. Ask her to get on top
Every girl says she has 鈥淢egan knees鈥 until it鈥檚 time to get on top and boom! They have arthritis. The next time you guys are having sex, refuse to contribute to the project unless she gets on top. In fact, create a timetable of who will be on top and when. She might attempt it the first time, but she鈥檒l start wondering if the stress of being on top is even worth it.
5. Suggest a threesome with her childhood friend
Omo, this is a big risk because she might end up saying 鈥淵es,鈥 which would trap you deeper into the relationship. But then again, it鈥檚 already the second day of December, so we鈥檙e running out of time and options.
6. Forget to flush
Even your best friend would break up with you because of this. What?
7. Respond to her messages with 鈥淥k鈥
Imagine after she sends you a long text describing a very intense situation and all you respond with is 鈥淥k鈥? There鈥檚 no way that relationship will see another day.
8. Start using her expensive skincare products in the wrong way
With the Naira falling like there鈥檚 no tomorrow, skincare products have achieved gold status. Really want to piss off your girlfriend? Use the most expensive products in her stash (hint: it鈥檚 always the products in tiny bottles). If that doesn鈥檛 do the trick, apply it wrongly and forget to seal them properly.
9. Get a Mohawk
Take her back through time with this affliction of a haircut. You also have to go all the way with this by making sure they dye the tip dirty brown. While your mates are getting dreads and looking buff, you鈥檒l look like someone preparing to pass out of secondary school. Peak embarrassment for her, freedom for you.
10. Block her on social media
This is the last straw. Unprovoked, just block her on social media while the both of you are literally on the same bed. The shock alone will end your relationship that night.
