My fellow kings, if there鈥檚 one thing you should focus on this year, it鈥檚 securing the bag. Who cares about emotional growth when you can do dorime every Friday? Just because you鈥檙e not in tech claiming donkey abi unicorn status, doesn鈥檛 mean you don鈥檛 deserve good things. To help you unlock the fresh baby boy life, we’ve compiled a guide on how to land sugar mummies #watimagbo鉁婐煆.
1. Use all your money to sew trad
You want to land a premium sugar mummy and you鈥檙e out here wearing skinny jeans and all these alt茅 baffs? We can see you鈥檙e not focused in life. To get the part, you have to look the part. Wearing trad all the time makes you look responsible. Your sugar mummy can be seen in public with you and still introduce you as her business partner or assistant. It makes life easier. Why do you think all the men in Abuja are wearing trad?
2. Grow a beard
My fellow king, being a fine boy is important, but what does it profit a man to pack all the fineness in the world and still end up beardless? We all know beards are to men what bone straights are to women. If your beard has been struggling to connect since the last elections, I鈥檒l strongly advise you to walk away now because this sugar baby thing is not in your destiny at all.
3. Find rich friends and start fornicating with their mums
Do you see that guy in the club that鈥檚 always doing dorime? Yes, the one from a wealthy family. It鈥檚 time to kiss his bumbum with vim until he becomes your friend. Convince him to invite you into his home, and when no one notices, cut eye for his mother. Take risk and succeed.
4. Switch to your native name
Our research has shown that sugar mummies respond more to Nigerian names. Sorry for you if you鈥檙e still doing 鈥淒aniel鈥 or 鈥淛erome鈥 because Mrs. A is looking for an 鈥淎dekunle鈥 or 鈥淣difreke鈥. Have you met a sugar baby with a colonizer name before? We鈥檙e glad you know this too.
5. Invest in a babalawo
Nollywood wasn鈥檛 lying; jazz is real. It’s time for you to copy one of those numbers you see on the road offering love potions. Meet up with baba, tie red satin around your waist, drop boiled yam and palm oil at your junction by midnight, collect the love potion and trap your sugar mummy鈥檚 destiny in a groundnut bottle. Before you know it, you鈥檒l have moved into a flat in Ikoyi.
6. Pray, fast or manifest
This is for those of you too scared to step into the dark side of juju. If you want to pick the longer route, you can fast and pray to sky daddy to send a sugar mummy your way. Keep in mind that Abraham and Sarah did not receive their package until they were 100 years old and 90 years old respectively. If you鈥檙e into star signs and Mercury in Guinea brocade, you can light scented candles and start manifesting. Good luck to all of you.
7. Become a gym rat
Do you see that six-pack you鈥檝e been avoiding? You must have it o. All that eating hot semo by midnight like a witch has to end today. Register in the nearest gym and spend at least four hours running up and down like your village people are chasing you. Lift the heaviest weight you can find and be motivated by all the credit alerts your future sugar mummy will bombard you with. Sha note that the goal is to look like Mawuli Gavor, not The Rock. No go dey do pass yourself.
8. Stop chasing small small girls around town
If there鈥檚 one thing we鈥檝e learnt from Nollywood films, it鈥檚 that sugar mummies hate it when they have to share their property. You can鈥檛 be chasing an oil rig and still have time for kerosine. If you鈥檙e currently in a relationship, end it now (it will even save you Valentine money that you don鈥檛 have). Before you know it now, your sugar mummy will start talking about how she picked you from the gutter and made you who you are today. To avoid insults, put all your eggs in sugar mummy鈥檚 basket.
9. Drown yourself in oud
Before you enter an estate, they need to smell you from the gate. You鈥檙e putting the perfume on your neck and wrists only? You must be a novice. Fix up asap.
