Whether you want to call it spooky season because of Halloween, or ember month because you鈥檙e Nigerian, all I know is we鈥檝e officially entered that time of the year when everyone has to be vigilant to avoid stories that touch.
With the naira in the poteaux-poteaux and election season approaching, I鈥檝e decided to consult the oracle (Old Nollywood) for some tips on how to stay safe and keep your head on your neck.
Don鈥檛 marry or date broke men
Professor Olamide wasn鈥檛 playing when he said, 鈥淢a lo fe broke nigga. Fight for your life.鈥 Half of the wives who鈥檝e been used for rituals in films like and the original Living in Bondage married broke men with 鈥減otential鈥. Nigeria is hard enough. Don鈥檛 allow love and small romance cost you your life. Avoid broke men today.
Don鈥檛 marry a rich guy who鈥檚 into 鈥渂usiness鈥
What happened to marrying a doctor, lawyer, SoundCloud rapper or tech bro? According to Nollywood, once a man is into 鈥渂usiness鈥 without any direct explanation of what the business is, there鈥檚 a high chance he鈥檚 into rituals. Avoid men like this with all your power and might before they pound you and your baby like fresh yam.
Don鈥檛 follow your dad out at night
If only the little girl in Living in Bondage: Breaking Free had said no when her dad took her for a drive at night, who knows, she might be alive today. So the next time your dad asks you to escort him somewhere past 7 p.m., kindly tell him only wayward people go out at night and you鈥檙e not wayward. What鈥檚 the worst thing that can happen? Small disowning?
Don鈥檛 go for parties with campus big girls
Remember when Funke Akindele鈥檚 character, Suliat, in Jenifa followed the big girls on campus for an all-night party, and they almost used her head as asun for evil spirits? Now that ASUU has called off strike in time for spooky season, I鈥檒l advise that you stay in your hostel and focus on your education. Even if you want to go to a party, go to one with dead babes and boring guys.
Don鈥檛 sleep at night
To safeguard your life, I鈥檇 advise you stay awake all night so when the nonsense special effects juju appears in your room you can give it a dirty slap. It鈥檚 only people who sleep that witches kidnap in the middle of the night. Gbera!
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Become a prayer warrior
Nollywood has shown us there鈥檚 nothing a little casting and binding can鈥檛 solve. So to keep your head, you need to have it anointed. Join a bible believing church today, or better still, just become a pastor. Amen?
Don鈥檛 eat food outside
Just in case you have a coconut head and completely ignored all your mum has taught you since birth, if you didn鈥檛 cook the food with your two hands, don鈥檛 eat it. The streets are dangerous now, and nobody can be trusted. Don鈥檛 allow ojukokoro be the cause of your downfall.
Become a babalawo
No one can use you for rituals when you鈥檙e the person wearing the feathers and red wrapper. It鈥檚 common sense.
Don鈥檛 leave your house, period!
If you sit in your house and mind your business, tell me how someone will think to use you for rituals. It鈥檚 who they see outside that鈥檒l end up in calabashes. So stay in one place this spooky season before you 鈥渨e outside鈥 yourself into a babalawo鈥檚 shrine.
