Just Imagine is a 91大神 weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians.
Like every other thing that comes from Nigeria, your international passport just wants to travel out, enjoy life and flex on the gram but you no get money. *insert clown emoji*
So here is everything your international passport wants to say to you.
It鈥檚 another frustrating day in Buhari鈥檚 country. Rain water has entered your house, nepa is doing shedibalabala with your current and KPOW – that鈥檚 the sound of your transformer exploding.
You鈥檙e insulting Nigeria on Twitter when a 鈥淪tudy and Work in Canada鈥 ad flashes on your phone. You lift up your bed and bring out your passport.
Passport: I don鈥檛 know why you were hiding me oh. It鈥檚 not like anybody wants to steal empty passport from you.
You:
Passport: Abeg bring me out for fresh air. No go kill me.
You put the passport on the table and google 鈥淗ow to apply for a visa to Canada鈥.
Passport: Just look at me. My mates are carrying visa and ticket. It鈥檚 nepa bill that they are using me to hold鈥 Oga?
You: What?!
Passport: Did they say you should just be collecting passport and not be using it?
You: Shut up your mouth.
Passport: (mumbles) If they are even using me to sell akara, it is better than all this nonsense.
You check your passport for the expiry date and find out it is expired.
You: Shit.
Passport: See your mouth like 鈥渟hit鈥. Why won鈥檛 I expire? Are you using me?
PASSPORT OFFICE
You鈥檝e paid for express passport and you鈥檙e waiting for the officer. She comes out with a bunch of green passports.
Officer: You asked for 64 pages abi?
You nod. The officer hands you your passport.
Your passport: Where are you going that you鈥檙e collecting 64-page passport?
Official: What is the primary purpose of the passport?
You: I want to travel out.
Passport: It鈥檚 a lie oh. He wants to use me as ID card.
You:
Passport: Or have you ever travelled out?
You: (to the officer) I will be going to Canada this year.
Passport:
You shove your passport into your breast pocket.
Passport: Chinedu? You didn鈥檛 baff today? Why is everywhere on your body smelling like goat? Is this why they don鈥檛 give us visa?
You鈥檙e walking to the bus stop with your passport and a Range Rover zooms past you and splashes some water on your body.
You shout in anger and the Range stops. A woman comes out of the car.
You: See how you stain my body with water!! Do you know where I am going?
Passport: Where are you going? Is it airport? Is it not your house?!
Woman: (with a British accent) I am sooo sorry. Here, let me get you to your destination.
You: It鈥檚 okay. My house is not far.
Passport: You better let them carry you, so that I can collect small AC and pretend I am in Canada. Because it is not like you will take me.
In the car.
Woman: (with her British accent) Where can I drop you?
You: (forced accent) Actually just down that street.
Passport: When did you travel out to collect accent?
You: I just want to get my car.
Passport: Which stupid car?
Woman: Great. Is that your passport I see peeking?
Passport: Mummy is me, ma. Take me with you. Use me for trips. Save me from this oloriburuku.
You tuck your passport further in.
Passport: My mates are seeing Dubai, I am seeing 3k okirika shirt.
The car stops.
Woman: I鈥檓 sorry again for the splash. Let鈥檚 have dinner sometime?
Passport: You better say yes, werey. So they can carry us and travel.
You: Sorry, I have a girlfriend.
Passport: (stunned, then dejected) I will die in poverty.
Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.
