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Deji*(mid 20s) recently graduated from university, but he doesn’t plan to invite his parents or younger sisters to his convocation. He knows they’ll expect to be there, but he believes their presence will take away from a day he wants to enjoy. He explains why years of favouritism have made him distance himself from his family.

This is Deji’s explanation, as shared with Adeyinka

I recently graduated from university, and my convocation ceremony is coming up. Naturally, my parents and my two younger sisters would expect to be there, but I’ve decided not to invite them. I haven’t told them yet. I’ll probably just say there’s no need for them to travel all the way to Lagos. That’s easier than telling them the actual reason I don’t want them there.

The truth is, I don’t think I’ll enjoy my graduation if they come. I’m the first of three children. My younger sisters are twins, and they’re eight years younger than me. So, for the first eight years of my life, I was an only child. Looking back, that might have been the only period when I genuinely enjoyed having my parents to myself.

When my sisters came along, I noticed the change in my parents almost immediately. They treated me differently, and as we all grew older, the difference became even more obvious.

My sisters are identical twins, so they naturally attract attention wherever they go. People see them together and immediately want to compliment them or talk to them. That part doesn’t bother me because I understand why people find them interesting. The problem is that my parents also give them a lot of attention, and they’ve always been much more forgiving towards them.

My sisters can make mistakes and somehow, there’s always an explanation for it. If I make the same mistake, there’ll be a thousand and one corrections. It feels like they’re allowed to be children while I’m expected to know better all the time.

Even when it comes to academics, there’s always been some form of comparison. I’ve had to deal with that for years, and eventually, I stopped expecting my parents to treat us the same way. Family outings make it particularly obvious. My sisters will get compliments and attention, while I’m just there. Nobody is really talking about me. Even my parents barely pay me any mind.

I’ve also noticed that my sisters have learned to take advantage of the situation. They can be rude to me because they know our parents will most likely take their side. They get away with things that I know I wouldn’t be allowed to get away with. It has affected the way I see them as siblings, too. Sometimes, I genuinely don’t feel like I have sisters. I just feel like I’m the other child in the family.

Over the years, I’ve become very independent because of this. I’m used to doing things by myself, and I’ve learnt not to expect my family to be involved in everything happening in my life. That’s why my graduation feels different. This is something I’ve worked towards, and I want to enjoy the day without worrying about what usually happens when we’re together as a family.

I already know how it would go if my sisters came. They love attention, and they’d probably get a lot of it. My parents would allow it, just like they always do. Somehow, a day that is supposed to be about me could easily become another occasion where I’m standing somewhere in the background while everyone focuses on them.

I don’t want that. I know some people might think it’s strange that I don’t want my parents and sisters at my graduation. After all, most people would consider having your family there a normal part of celebrating such an achievement. But for me, their presence doesn’t automatically mean support. Sometimes, it reminds me of everything that has made me feel like an outsider in my own family.

This isn’t the first time I’ve wished they weren’t involved in something important in my life, either. I’ve reached a point where I’d rather experience certain milestones on my own than have them ruin the day. Maybe things will change in the future and my relationship with my sisters will improve, or my parents will eventually realise how their favouritism has affected me. But right now, I’m not interested in pretending everything is fine just because we’re family.

I want my graduation to be about me. I want to remember the day for finishing university and being proud of myself, rather than remembering how much attention my sisters got or how I felt like the other child again.

So, when the time comes, I’ll probably tell my parents there’s no need to come to Lagos because the ceremony isn’t a big deal.

But it’s a big deal to me, and that’s exactly why I don’t want them there.

 *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.