At 21, Mercy* has experienced different shades of love: the thrill of her first relationship, the sting of unreciprocated effort, and the guilt of leading someone on. In this story, she reflects on the lessons each one taught her and how her experiences have impacted how she sees love.
What鈥檚 your relationship status, and how do you feel about it?
I鈥檓 single and searching for someone I genuinely like who feels the same way about me. But so far, my dating experiences have been mostly disappointing.
Walk me through your dating life. How did you get here?
I didn鈥檛 start dating until my second year of uni in 2023, when I met Prince*. We were classmates before I switched departments. One day, he walked up to me while I was buying food and struck up a conversation. Soon, we were chatting almost every day.
We were basically in a situationship.I avoided making it official because we鈥檇 become so close within a few weeks. Then, on his birthday in August, we fought after he checked my phone and saw I was talking to other people. I felt guilty for ruining his day, so the next time he asked me out, I said yes.
How did that relationship go?
It was nice at first, but I soon noticed traits that made me realise we wouldn鈥檛 last. He made a lot of money from 鈥測ahoo yahoo鈥, but never spent on me.
One time, I even helped him message a client after he fell asleep. He cashed out over a million naira, and I expected him to appreciate me, but he just went silent. I was his girlfriend, yet he couldn鈥檛 even share his win. If it were the other way around, I would鈥檝e celebrated with him. That hurt me deeply.
Another issue was the emotional disconnect. I鈥檓 expressive, but he never met me halfway. I once wrote him a handwritten letter about how I felt, and instead of appreciating it, he asked what I expected him to do with it. That was when I realised he wasn鈥檛 my person.
After a while, I started to lose interest. There was a guy in my lodge, Abel*, who often flirted with me. He was more romantic and emotionally open, and I was drawn to that. The more I compared them, the clearer it became that Abel and I were more compatible. So, in November 2023, I ended things with Prince and started a fling with Abel.
What was being with Abel like?
I felt more comfortable with him since we had known each other longer. We鈥檇 been friends since 2022. When things started falling apart with Prince, we got closer 鈥 hanging out, spending nights in each other鈥檚 rooms, and eventually sleeping together.
At first, I did not have real feelings for him. I just enjoyed how much he liked me. But over time, his affection turned into obsession.
How so?
He was jealous and controlling. Once, we went out to buy food, and I laughed at something another guy said. He came back angry and picked a fight. He always wanted to go through my phone and even messaged one of my male friends to warn him off.
At the start of 2024, I found out he had cloned my phone. I got a notification that a laptop had logged into my account. A friend helped me check, and we saw it was his device. Even after I confronted him, he insisted he had the right to know what I was up to.
It scared me, but detaching wasn鈥檛 easy. We broke up and got back together a few times until it finally ended in July 2024.
Phew. How did your love life look after that?
I didn鈥檛 stay single for long. A few weeks after we broke up, I met David* during a retreat at a hotel. He was also a student from my school, and I鈥檇 always had a crush on him because he was handsome. We started hanging out and had sex.
But as soon as I got back to school, the red flags appeared. He smoked a lot, and most of our time together revolved around sex. It wasn鈥檛 long before I realised I wasn鈥檛 the only woman in the picture.
One day, I picked up his phone and saw a message from another girl saying she enjoyed the sex they had had a few days earlier. I was with him the day before. When I confronted him, he kicked me out of his place.
He ignored me for days until he wanted to see me again. He made a case for himself and claimed that even though he slept with her, I was the one he liked. I foolishly believed him.
Hmm.
He鈥檇 often ask me for money, and I鈥檇 send it. He used that same money to buy weed and take out other girls. I loved him the most, and that made it hard to leave.
When I left for my internship in October, our communication started fading. I still made the effort to keep things going, but when we finally met again months later, it was because he wanted to ask me for money. That was my breaking point. I realised he was just using me. I stopped putting in effort, and the whole thing died slowly.
Earlier this year, David tried to rekindle things. I made him beg 鈥 the same way I used to 鈥 then I blocked him. It felt really good.
Did you meet anyone new afterwards?
At the start of this year, I met Tony* online. Even though I told him I wasn鈥檛 interested, he didn鈥檛 stop pursuing me. I stopped pushing back when he began sending me money.
He believes we鈥檝e been in a relationship since July, but I鈥檓 just playing along because of the financial help. I haven鈥檛 even met him in person. There鈥檚 no emotional connection for me. He also tries too hard to please me and has no mind of his own, which isn鈥檛 what I want from a partner.
I feel guilty sometimes because I know I鈥檓 leading him on. I even tried to like him back, but it鈥檚 just not happening. So I鈥檝e decided to keep things this way until I鈥檓 done with school later this year. Since I consider myself single, I鈥檝e been exploring other sexual connections that actually interest me.
I see. So, how would you say these experiences have shaped your idea of love and relationships?
I鈥檝e learned that when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Their actions will always make it clear. If you鈥檙e confused about how someone feels, it probably means they鈥檙e not into you. Don鈥檛 rationalise it.
Even though I鈥檝e had bad experiences, I still believe in love. But I鈥檝e also realised I鈥檓 not a saint and recognise my own toxic patterns.
Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.
I鈥檇 rate it a 5/10. Being single has its perks 鈥 I have options and freedom 鈥 but I still want to love someone who genuinely reciprocates my feelings.
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