Sophie* (32) thought she’d finally found the family she’d always wanted when she got pregnant. But as the years went by, she kept uncovering painful secrets that would end her seven-year relationship and leave her a single mum of two. In this story, she opens up about the betrayals that changed how she sees love.
What鈥檚 your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?
I鈥檓 single for the first time in years and finally free from my baby daddy. Right now, I鈥檓 not interested in dating. Maybe that will change in the future, but my last relationship drained me so badly that dating isn鈥檛 in my cards for now.
How did you arrive at this point? Take me back to the beginning
I grew up very sheltered. I was raised in a very religious environment, so I barely dated.
But that changed when I got into university, where I met my first boyfriend, David*. We met on a 2go group chat in 2014. We attended the same College of Education, so we became friends. Eventually, he told me he liked me, and we started dating.
What was the relationship like?
It wasn鈥檛 bad. We broke up and got back together several times over two years because he wasn鈥檛 very serious about the future.
He鈥檇 give vague responses whenever I tried to talk about where the relationship was headed. He also didn鈥檛 believe in marriage and didn鈥檛 want to be tied down because he dreamed of leaving the country. That bothered me because I鈥檝e always wanted a family.
I was raised by my aunt, and although she treated me well, I often felt isolated. So I wanted the kind of close-knit family I didn鈥檛 have growing upHe also smoked, which I wasn鈥檛 comfortable with. Eventually, towards the end of my programme, our differences led us to break up.
The relationship had run its course, so it was easy to move on. After school, in 2019, I got a job at a school and moved to Niger State. That鈥檚 where I met Paul*.
How did that meeting happen?
I was visiting a friend and walking around her neighbourhood when he approached me. He told me he worked at a church nearby and had noticed me around. He said he liked me and collected my number.
I wasn鈥檛 completely sold at first. He was short and smallish, but the more we talked, the more I liked him. He was very sweet. Eventually, he asked me out and I said yes.
At first, it seemed like we aligned on many things. Then, about two months into the relationship, I found out I was pregnant.
It was a huge shock. I was nervous about telling him because he worked for a church, and pregnancy outside marriage was obviously frowned upon. But his reaction surprised me. He was very happy and kept reassuring me that a child was a blessing.
He started talking about meeting my people and eventually getting married. I鈥檇 always wanted a family, and here was someone who seemed ready to give me exactly that.
Sounds nice. And how did your family react when they found out about the pregnancy?
I kept it from then until I was about four months pregnant. They weren鈥檛 happy about the situation, but there wasn鈥檛 much they could do.
We went ahead with the introduction, and that was when I got my first glimpse into his web of secrets. If his family hadn’t come, I wouldn’t have found out he already had a child.
What?
His mother came with a little girl who was about six years old. I initially thought she was his niece, but when I asked about the child, she said, 鈥淒idn鈥檛 Paul tell you about his first child?鈥
That was the first time I鈥檇 heard about any child. I wasted no time confronting him, and he became defensive. He explained that it had happened when he was younger with a woman from his hometown. He also added that it didn鈥檛 matter since he was no longer with her mother.
It hurt to find out that way, but we’d only been together for a short time, so I took it as a mistake from his past.
I see. I鈥檓 guessing you continued with the wedding plans?
We didn鈥檛. We’d planned to have a church wedding, but his pastor refused to wed us after they found out I was pregnant. I suggested having a traditional wedding instead, but he refused to participate in the village traditional marriage rites because they went against his religious beliefs.
While we were trying to figure out what to do, the COVID lockdown started. I eventually moved in with him, and we agreed to have the baby first and sort out the marriage afterwards.
What was it like when you moved in together?
At first, it was really good. He was caring and supportive throughout my pregnancy.
Money was our main challenge. Neither of us was earning enough, so shortly after I gave birth, I started my own tailoring business. I’d learnt to sew while living with my aunt, and my cousins pooled money together to help me open a shop. The business picked up almost immediately and eventually became our main source of income.
In 2022, his church wanted to transfer him to another state in the East. He didn’t want to go and was already frustrated with the job, so he resigned. I wasn’t happy about it, but he convinced me it was the best decision for our family’s stability.
Unfortunately, that was when things took a turn for the worse.
In what ways?
He started asking for money for almost everything, and whenever I couldn’t give him what he wanted, he got angry.
I kept encouraging him to find a job, but he stayed at home for over a year. His mother would also call me about things she needed, and I’d send her money on his behalf.
Around that time, I’d just had our second child, so the financial pressure became overwhelming. Eventually, I pushed him to start tutoring students in 2023.
I expected him to start contributing to the household, but he still wasn’t giving me any money. I was paying for almost everything, while he always avoided questions about what he was doing with his earnings. His dodginess made me suspicious until I decided to look into it.
One day in December, while he was out running personal errands, I checked his phone for his bank transactions.
That’s when I noticed he was regularly sending money to a woman named Martha*.
I searched for her on WhatsApp and went through their messages. I didn’t need to read much before I realised they were romantically involved.
I confronted him and asked why he was sending her money. I was furious about the affair and even threatened to find her myself.
That’s when he admitted that they had a child together.
Wait, another child with another woman?
Precisely. I was devastated. I also realised the child was only a few months younger than our second child, which means it wasn鈥檛 a distant relationship from the past.
I couldn’t believe that after everything I did for him, he could betray me in that way.
Since I was the one paying the rent, I told him to leave. But I couldn鈥檛 stay angry for long. I also worried about what people would say when they found out.
So, against better judgment, I asked his family to mediate after I鈥檇 calmed down. He apologised and promised to end his relationship with Martha. Eventually, I agreed to let him come back on the condition that he paid the electricity bill and contributed towards food.
But forgiving him didn’t mean I’d forgotten what happened. I never fully moved past it. I didn’t trust him the way I used to, and our relationship was never the same.
But did things eventually get better?
For a little while. But I also struggled with how uninvolved he was with our children. Even though I was running my business and he was home most of the time, I couldn’t rely on him to look after them. I often had to take them to my shop.
Over time, I got so exhausted that I didn鈥檛 even want him touching me. Our sex life took a big hit, and he often used that to justify some of his behaviour.
Despite his grovelling and promises to right by me, I also found out he鈥檇 resumed his affair with Martha.
Eventually, I stopped putting so much energy into him and focused on growing my business. And my efforts paid off. Over time, I started training apprentices and had up to six girls working with me.
I had just begun finding some balance in my life when he disrupted it all again.
What happened?
He impregnated one of my apprentices. She鈥檇 missed work for some weeks until she randomly showed up with her mother one day. She knelt, apologising before her mother broke the news.
Oh dear. How did you react?
I lost it. I kept saying it couldn’t be true. But deep down, I knew it wasn’t impossible. My husband spent a lot of time around my shop, so I knew how easily they could have gotten close.
The girl showed me their messages and how he鈥檇 convinced her we weren鈥檛 married when she resisted his advances. He even promised her that he would leave me.
She had already told him about the pregnancy, but he denied it. Eventually, the situation escalated to the point where they had to involve me.
I鈥檓 sorry. Did you confront him?
I went home and waited for him, but he didn’t come. I called him almost 30 times, and every unanswered call made me angrier.
When he finally came home, we got into a shouting match. I could smell alcohol on his breath. I was already so angry that I slapped him.
He started threatening me and tried to grab me, but I pushed him to the floor and sat on him. I hit him repeatedly while shouting and insulting him.
Our neighbours eventually intervened and separated us.
By the next day, I was getting calls from different people. He’d even gone to the hospital because one of his eyes was bloodshot.
Everyone wanted us to resolve the situation, but they were focusing only on what I’d done. Nobody was talking about what had led to the fight or the fact that he’d gotten another young girl pregnant.
I considered trying to work things out, but he said he no longer felt safe around me. He also blamed me for his actions, saying we’d barely been intimate and that I’d become hostile towards him.
Eventually, I realised there was no point staying together. He hadn’t even married me after almost seven years together. When he packed his things and left, I didn鈥檛 try to stop him.
Fair enough. How have you been coping since the separation?
Despite the relief, it still hurts. I’d considered myself married to him, and I’d been faithful throughout our relationship. He disrupted my life and then still chose to walk away.
It happened in March this year, so I’m still trying to move forward and let go of the bitterness.
So, how have these experiences shaped your idea of love and relationships?
First, I made a lot of mistakes. I put the cart before the horse by getting pregnant before we were married or had any real security in the relationship. It’s not something I’d advise anyone to do.
I’ve also learnt not to build your life around assumptions. I assumed that because he claimed to be a Christian, he would automatically be a good partner. I also assumed we’d grow together and build a life together.
But none of those assumptions could change who he was.
Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.
6/10. I’m slowly getting over everything and healing one day at a time. I don鈥檛 have time to think about love.
Read Next: 6 Nigerians on Dating for Free Accommodation and Financial Benefits
