I once heard someone say romance is dying, and it got me thinking about how chaotic dating can be these days. To understand what it鈥檚 like being single (or on the streets) in today鈥檚 Nigeria, I spoke to *Anna (25).
She shared how what was supposed to be a breakup that set her free spiralled into a messy cycle of sex and control for months. Now she鈥檚 finally learning to find peace in being single.
What鈥檚 your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?
I鈥檇 say I鈥檓 single now. And honestly? It鈥檚 been more refreshing than I expected.
When did you first find yourself on the streets, and what kicked things off?
I鈥檝e kind of always been on the streets. In secondary school, I had those cute long-distance relationships 鈥 the type that were more vibes than anything serious. When I got into uni, things stayed the same. There were brief talking stages here and there, but nothing too deep.
That was until I got into a 鈥渞eal鈥 relationship. Or at least, I thought I did. Looking back, I was probably still on the streets even then. Because I was more or less the only one in that relationship with *Saviour.
What were those early days of dating like?聽
They were very dreamy. Saviour lived alone outside of school, while I had a roommate in school. He would visit me from time to time, but we mostly spent time together at his place.
He was funny, intentional, and for the first time, I felt like someone really saw me. He鈥檇 point out things about myself I never even noticed, in a good way. We started dating in 2020. I fell hard.
So what changed?
He was the best guy 鈥 until he wasn鈥檛. I can鈥檛 say exactly when the shift happened, but I remember he started talking a lot about 鈥渟elf-improvement.鈥 Then out of nowhere, he broke up with me to 鈥渇ocus on himself.
He swore that was the reason, but I couldn鈥檛 help feeling like I was the real issue. Maybe after the first year of dating, I didn鈥檛 measure up to whatever standard he had set for himself. That breakup was the start of a very messy ride.
How messy are we talking?
The breakup happened during a school break, but we stayed in touch. When school resumed, I kept going over to his place, and we kept having sex. Constantly.
It became this toxic loop of me having sex with my ex, someone I still had feelings for. It was obsessive, in a way. Even though I pretended not to see it, I knew he was using me. I was merely convenient. No relationship, or expectations 鈥 just someone to cook for him and sleep with him. He knew I still loved him, and he used that to his advantage.
So you stayed without the label. Did anything happen during that time that caught you off guard?
Oh, Saviour gave me an STI. This was some months into our 鈥渁rrangement鈥. I didn鈥檛 want to believe he was sleeping with other people, but who else could it have been? I told him over the phone and blocked him.
That really hurt me. But around that time, I鈥檇 also started talking to this guy, *Rahman. He was the opposite of Saviour, always in my corner and texting to check up on me.
We were meant to be just friends and nothing more, so I thought, 鈥淲hy not?鈥 But the first day we finally met in person, we had sex.
It happens. So you were done with Saviour?聽
[Laughs] I wish. It wasn鈥檛 supposed to happen with Rahman 鈥 I was still unsure of everything. And then Saviour messaged me again on Snapchat. I hadn鈥檛 blocked him there. We started talking again. He came to see me. And just like that, the cycle continued.
Why did you continue choosing to go back to him?
At the time, it didn鈥檛 even feel like I was 鈥済oing back鈥 to him. In my head, I thought I was trying to fix what we had. Saviour was my first real love, and I felt so deeply vulnerable with him.
He鈥檇 seen parts of me no one else had. I thought if I just held on long enough, we could go back to how things were. But he leveraged that. The final breakup happened a couple of months later, in 2022.
What finally led to it?聽聽聽
It was after one particularly sweet night. We had amazing sex, and in the morning, he woke me up to do it again. But I noticed something felt off. It was unusually aggressive. He didn鈥檛 smile or say a word. He just got up and went to the shower.
When I tried to ask him what was wrong, he got annoyed. He said a lot of hurtful things, but what broke me was when he said I should stop acting like we鈥檙e still together when we鈥檙e not.
I was floored. I was starting to tear up when he told me to leave his place. I gathered what remained of my dignity, got dressed and left. I walked straight to the road and kept my eyes ahead so I wouldn鈥檛 cry. By the time I got back to my hostel, I collapsed on my bed and wept. My roommate just held me while I cried myself to sleep. That was when I finally let him go.
That must鈥檝e been hard. Did you try connecting with anyone else?
I did. After a while, I started talking to a guy I liked. But then I found out he lied about his age. He was some years younger and still a student. I was already done with school at the time.
The age wasn鈥檛 even the problem. It was the lie, and the fact that he clearly wasn鈥檛 ready for a relationship. He was just looking for a fling, and I wasn鈥檛 about to leave a good situationship for him.
Situationship? When did that happen?
Yeah, that was with Rahman. I got close to him when I needed a rebound from my good-for-nothing ex. He liked me more than I liked him, and honestly, that gave me a sense of control. I figured he couldn鈥檛 hurt me the way Saviour did, because I didn鈥檛 have feelings for him.
Rahman knew a little about what happened with Saviour. We were honest about where we stood and agreed a relationship wouldn鈥檛 work. It was supposed to be a short-term fling, but somehow, it stretched into two years.
Eventually, It stopped being about Saviour. Rahman and I just got comfortable. We still link up from time to time, but I wouldn鈥檛 call it anything serious.
Two years is a long time. Why did you keep it that way?
There are several reasons Rahman and I could never be more. First, there鈥檚 religion. His family is staunchly Muslim, and I鈥檓 Catholic. I鈥檝e always seen relationships as something that should have a clear end goal, and that was never going to work between us.
But beyond that, I felt in control with Rahman, and that mattered. After what happened with Saviour, I couldn鈥檛 afford to feel that vulnerable again. I wasn鈥檛 sure I could survive another heartbreak, so keeping things undefined felt safer.
I understand. What鈥檚 the hardest part about trying to find love (or even just companionship) these days?
Knowing who鈥檚 genuine and who鈥檚 not. I gave my whole heart to someone and never got closure. That kind of hurt changes you.
Have you ever thought, 鈥淢aybe I should leave the streets?鈥澛
Yes. Seeing people in stable and loving relationships sometimes makes you want that, too. It鈥檚 what I want in the long-term future, but not for now. I鈥檓 still very skeptical about relationships. I just can鈥檛 trust easily anymore. It鈥檚 just easier to stay this way for the time being.
What are the little things that still give you hope about dating?
I鈥檓 still a lover girl, deep down. I like to believe you experience people differently. So just because it didn鈥檛 work before doesn鈥檛 mean it won鈥檛 work someday. I鈥檝e also realised I like companionship, so it鈥檒l eventually happen.
How has your time on the streets changed what you want from love or partnership?
It鈥檚 taught me to look beyond a person鈥檚 words and pay attention to actions. I want something honest. I鈥檓 not asking for a perfect love story, just one that鈥檚 real. If it鈥檚 not, then I鈥檓 more than willing to walk away first.
Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Give it a rating on a scale of 1-10
Not bad, to be honest. I鈥檒l give it a solid 6. Mostly because I have good friends who help me through it all. I don鈥檛 feel lonely since I have them, and we spend a lot of time together.
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