Amanda* (22) has spent most of her life being pursued by much older men. While some may see it as flattery, she shares why it鈥檚 anything but that, and how it has affected her emotionally, mentally and romantically.
This is Amanda鈥檚 story, as told to Mofiyinfoluwa
The first time I became conscious of this, I was in JSS3. A man I greeted often in my neighbourhood offered to drop me off at home. I didn鈥檛 think much of it until he asked me if I had ever had sex. Then he asked me if I would like to have sex with him. I was 12 at the time, and he was a grown man 鈥 the father of the boy I had a crush on at the time, to be precise. I was shocked and confused. But I just told him to drop me off and never told anyone.
I only drew more attention from then on. When I was 14, my neighbour鈥檚 husband, a man in his 30s, started making advances at me. It got very uncomfortable because whenever we were alone, he was very physically suggestive. I was very close to his wife, so I told her. Instead of confronting her husband, she turned her back on me and stopped talking to me completely. It hurt because it then seemed like I was the one who wanted to steal her man, like I was some kind of threat, when I wasn鈥檛 interested. It made me feel ashamed for something I didn鈥檛 even do.
I kept getting advances, most of which I ignored. For a long time, I thought it was normal or that it was just a coincidence that men more than twice my age always approached me. But when I got to university, I started to see the pattern. It was always older men. And it wasn’t flattering, it was disturbing.
It wasn’t long until I met a man in church, I鈥檒l call him Mr. Bayo. I was 19 at the time; he was in his late 30s.
He told me I was the kind of woman he wanted to marry. I made it clear to him that I was very young, still in school, and not interested in that kind of relationship. But he said he would wait for me to graduate and marry me. We talked for a while, but he started to make me feel weird. Without asking me how I felt, he just started calling me his girlfriend. Then he started calling me his wife.
He wanted me to cook for him, have sex with him, and take care of him. He assumed this ownership over me that I never agreed to. He鈥檇 send me money I didn鈥檛 ask for and say things like, 鈥淵ou won鈥檛 even let me touch you, and you鈥檙e an adult.鈥 It was manipulative and controlling.
Thankfully, since I schooled in a different state from where we lived, I was mostly away and never went to his house to do all the things he wanted. I kept making excuses, and eventually, I had to block him.
Then I met a politician. This one was the most obsessed of them all. He鈥檇 show up at my hostel randomly, uninvited. Most times, I had to lie that I wasn鈥檛 around just to get him to leave. Around that period, while I was actively avoiding him, I got a strange call around midnight. When I picked up, a babalawo was blowing incantations into the phone. I was scared out of my mind that night and couldn’t sleep. To this day, I can鈥檛 prove it, but deep down, I believe it had something to do with him.
Not long after, he posted photos from his child鈥檚 naming ceremony on WhatsApp. That鈥檚 how I found out he was married with a child. That was it for me. I blocked all three of his numbers. He kept calling me with different ones. I had to keep blocking and blocking. It took God for him to stop.
After school, I thought getting a job would mean a fresh start and more professional relationships. But one of my bosses, who is over 60 and married, started making subtle moves.
Then one day, when we were alone in the boardroom, he said plainly, 鈥淚f you scratch my back, I鈥檒l scratch yours.鈥 He said he wanted all of me and could 鈥渢ake care of me.鈥 I did the math, and he鈥檚 39 years older. I鈥檝e just avoided him ever since. That鈥檚 all I can do for now because I鈥檓 not about to lose my job over that.
Now? I鈥檓 currently talking to a divorcee in his 40s. He seems kind and listens to me. I don鈥檛 even really like him like that, but I鈥檓 considering giving it a chance, just to see what it would be like to finally cave in.
But deep down, I know I don鈥檛 want this. What I really want is simple. I just want a relationship with someone close to my age. Ideally, not more than two years older than me. It has been my dream to find someone I can grow with and share experiences with, without age and power imbalances. The closest I’ve ever come to having that was one talking stage that didn鈥檛 become anything more.
But it almost feels like my destiny. It鈥檚 like I鈥檓 trapped in this cycle of always being approached by men twice or three times my age, and I can鈥檛 run from it.
People say it鈥檚 because I鈥檓 鈥渕ature for my age鈥 and 鈥渉ave a wifely appeal.鈥 But I鈥檓 tired. I don鈥檛 want to be anyone鈥檚 fantasy. I just want to be a normal young woman who can fall in love freely.
I pray that I don鈥檛 end up with an old man when it’s time to settle down. Because I never asked for this life.
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