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Love Life is a 91���� weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Motun: I saw him at a campus fellowship gathering in 2014. One of the sisters brought food, and I noticed he helped himself to a serving, then sat on the floor to eat. I thought to myself, “This guy doesn’t have proper table manners.” 

James: I noticed her for the first time at another event —a gospel concert. I got into an argument with an usher who had seized my phone and was ready to create a scene, not minding we were in a holy gathering. Then, she walked up to me and went “You don’t look good when you’re angry. Calm down”. The words took me aback, but I didn’t pay her any attention. In my head, I was like, “Abeg, oga comot here.”

Motun: Something about seeing him angry bothered me. We were church members, and I felt I had a duty of care to approach him. I didn’t know what he was going to think of my interference, I just went for it.

So what happened next?

James: We didn’t interact much until a year later, when she approached me in church on a Sunday in December 2015.

I was the Sunday School teacher, and after my class, she came up to me and said she liked my teaching and wanted me to mentor her. She explained her interest in teaching and her struggles with stage fright. We talked about her concerns, and I recommended some books. 

We also exchanged phone numbers.

Motun: I called him Brother James, but saved his name as “Blackie” because of his complexion. 

Wild

Motun: I’d seen how he taught and how approachable he looked, so asking him to mentor me was a shot worth taking.

Coincidentally, my dad called the same day, encouraging me to try more in Sunday School to build my confidence. His call felt like a confirmation that asking James to mentor me was the right move. 

I’m curious, how did mentoring go?

James: At first, it was strictly about offering the guidance and assistance she needed. I was in a relationship and didn’t accommodate the idea of liking someone else.

But by February 2016, two months into the mentorship, I broke up with my girlfriend and realised I might have started to like Motun. 

Motun: For me, he was still “Brother James” and I was “Sister Motun”. But one day, we attended a prayer conference at a camp and we sat together on the bus. We pretty much spent the entire trip in each other’s company. 

What did you talk about?

James: It was a “getting to know you” conversation. We talked about our family, aspirations, likes, dislikes — the usual stuff.

Motun: It was the first time we went beyond the surface-level, and it brought us closer. That night marked the beginning of our friendship.

Tell me more about the friendship phase

James: I knew I wanted more than friendship. The camp experience confirmed that I liked her, but I didn’t want to rush things. Building a friendship felt like an important first step.

Motun: It was hard to tell his true intentions because James is friendly with everyone. He’d visit my hostel and try to put his arm around me when we walked. I’d remove it, telling him to keep his hands to himself because I didn’t want to confuse our status as friends. I should mention that there was someone else in the mix for me — a study partner I’d grown fond of. He was academically sound, which I found attractive. But I quickly realised he wasn’t someone I’d want to end up with. We never talked beyond academics, and I didn’t see us having a life together. Eventually, we had a falling out, and I focused on James. 

Were you aware of this, James?

James: Oh, I knew I had competition. He was a first-class student, while I was just average, but I had “street OT.” We joked about him a lot, and Motun knew she wanted more than an academically sound partner.

Neat. So, when did things become official?

James: September 2016. Seven months after I first asked her. 

Why did it take so long?

Motun: I wanted to be sure. I’d stayed single to focus on my studies, so I prayed for guidance, asking God if James was the right choice. During prayers, I’d say to God, “I don’t want to kiss all frogs before I meet my prince charming.” It took seven months to get my answer.

How did you handle the wait, James?

James: I didn’t think it was too long. I’d waited a whole year for someone else, so I was prepared. I knew I wanted Motun. I also reassured her she could take all the time she needed, even if it meant staying friends.

Motun: The day I said yes, I came along with a bottle of wine. 

Why?

Motun: Because I knew I was going to say yes. 

Sweet. So what were the early days like?

James: It was tough. We had to navigate a long-distance relationship early on since I’d completed university. Then I discovered I had to return for an extra year, which stressed me out. I was worried how that would reflect on her. You know, she had  friends in school who knew she was single for a long time, and when she finally found someone, it was an extra-year student. I didn’t think it was a good look.

On top of that, I invested the school fees for my extra year in a Ponzi scheme to make quick money and ended up losing it. After the Ponzi scheme failed, I started a photography course. She really helped me stay the course, and we did a lot to reassure each other through that phase.

Motun: Funny enough, I sensed he’d have an extra year before it happened. 

How?

Motun: I can’t explain it. It was just something I felt. So when he told me, I wasn’t angry. I’d already made peace with it. I even went to his convocation in his stead and proudly told everyone I was there for him.

Those early days were about being true to each other, despite everything trying to pull us apart. For example, my family values academic excellence, so how would I explain that my boyfriend had an extra year and a third-class degree? But I also knew I wasn’t ready to leave James.

How did they find out?

Motun: My dad was aware of our relationship because James had visited our house, and he’d also called to wish him a happy birthday. After that call, he wanted to know if James was more than a friend, and I told him. So, I guess my dad was invested in the progress of a potential son-in-law. 

During the convocation, he requested a copy of the brochure with the names of graduating students, and called to tell me James’ name wasn’t on the list. 

James: He told her there was a problem. He also said he wasn’t telling her to break up, but it was clear I was far from her final destination.

Then something else happened.

What happened?

James: He threw a party on his  60th birthday, and I attended as a photographer.

Motun: Daddy didn’t smile at all.

James: He was cold the entire time, and I could tell he didn’t want me there. But I didn’t back down.

Motun: My dad questioned how I’d survive with a photographer, and I tried to explain that photography had evolved beyond the typical “street foto” people hired for birthday and naming ceremonies.

How did you handle his reservations, Motun?

Motun: There wasn’t much to be done about my dad, to be honest—whatever he was doing wasn’t new. He’s always had high academic standards for his children and expects the same from their partners. But I knew I wasn’t letting go of James to please him. So I kept reassuring James that I wasn’t going anywhere.

You mentioned long-distance earlier. How did that work?

James: It went on for another two years. After I completed my extra year, I served in Abeokuta and she served in Imeko. She also  enrolled for her master’s degree in University of Ibadan while I went into photography full-time. I’d take gigs in Ibadan just to see her, but I didn’t think she was making the same efforts to make things work. 

She was hyper focused and rarely picked up calls. Naturally, I felt neglected, but I knew she loved me; I just wished she’d chill a little.

Motun: I felt suffocated by his constant need for attention, but I appreciated how he bridged the communication gap I unintentionally created. James showed me it was possible to balance love and my academics.

Fair enough. Curious, did you know what the next step in your relationship might be?

James: We were dating to marry, so the idea of marriage as the next step was there. It was just a question of “when?” as we got deeper and deeper into the relationship. 

Motun: Remember the day we talked about when you want to marry?

James: I do. 

Tell me about it.

James: In the early days of our friendship, she asked when I’d like to get married, and I said by 25 or 26. She gave the same answer, which confirmed to me that we were on the same page — unlike an ex who’d say, “I’m not even thinking about it in the next 10 years” whenever marriage came up.

Motun: I also remember waking up one morning in 2020 after a family prayer session. I had this strong feeling that my wedding introduction was coming. I called my siblings, and we planned it in advance. That was the moment I knew I wanted to marry him.

Was he aware of this planning?

Motun: He wasn’t. I just wanted to be prepared ahead of the time.

James: We did our introduction in April 2021. We got married in September that year.

I assume your family had become more accepting of James at this point, Motun? 

Motun: It was a tug of war. 

My retired auditor dad couldn’t understand how a photographer could support a household. He’d often say he wanted to discuss it with James, but whenever James called to set a meeting, my dad would deny asking for one. This happened so many times I eventually told James to stop trying. I empathised with him, imagining how I’d feel if someone judged me solely on my third-class degree. 

James: So, we resorted to prayers.

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How did that work out?

Motun: I knew only God could change my dad’s mind. I couldn’t confront him over a man, so I decided to pray instead. I guess it worked because here we are today.

I think he relaxed when he finally understood that James had a degree — even if it was a third-class. That was some sort of assurance that he could always get a proper job.

Right. 

Motun: During the first year of ourmarriage, he insisted on James leaving photography to get a proper job. Then, we started working toward japa, and when that clicked, my dad finally sent us a message congratulating us properly as a couple and saying, “He loves our courage”.

How did you handle the lukewarm acceptance, James?

James: My relationship with her dad wasn’t smooth in the early days. Because of that, I had one question for Motun: “Whose side are you on — mine or theirs?” Her support was all I needed to feel like I wasn’t pitting her against her family. 

When we got our wedding certificate at our church wedding. Her dad asked thatmy occupation be listed as “media personnel” instead of photographer, which made me decide to only use our registry certificate. 

Her dad was also actively trying to make me get a bank job, and it caused the first major fight in our relationship. This was before we got married, by the way.

I was coming to that.

James: He sent me a job application link, but I told him I wasn’t interested. After stalling for a few days, he asked for an update, and I explained I was happy as a photographer. He then invited me for a meeting, where he asked about my earnings. I broke down my rates, including wedding packages, between ₦150k and ₦350k. He questioned if people actually paid that amount and voiced concerns that photography might become obsolete with smartphones. I argued otherwise, and while he said I could do as I pleased, his fatherly advice was to still get a “real” job.

I’m curious. What did you have against Motun in all of this?

James: I think the pushback started getting to her. She’d also started trying to talk me into getting a white-collar job and using my weekends for photography. I was livid at her comment and once again asked the question, “Whose side are you on?”

Motun: I said I was on his side.

James: And I told her, “If you’re on my side, don’t ever talk to me about getting a job again.”

I see.

Motun: The lead-up to our marriage was quite tumultuous, and I think he’s right in describing that incident as our biggest fight. The only thing that comes close has to be when he ignored me sexually and kept an attitude for three weeks. This happened a few months after we got married. 

Why?

James: I wanted sex a lot more. 

Before we got married, we both had limited sexual experiences. So, when we finally became a couple, I wanted sex as frequently as I could get it. However, my wife wasn’t so keen on it. 

I approached her one time, and she turned me down. So, I resorted to keeping to myself, ignoring her sexually and giving one-word responses. This went on for about two weeks until she asked what was happening. I wasn’t going to open up, but she persisted, and I was forced to communicate.

During that exchange, I realised that I was going about sex in a way that she didn’t really enjoy. I was a lot more about penetration without the foreplay, and this made sex less interesting for her.

Motun: I’ll add that we’ve had lots of issues about lack of boundaries with the opposite sex. I’ve said countless times that he’s lovable and approachable, but he tends not to know when to draw the line.

Imagine having private celebrations, and more ladies show up for him. This has been a big issue, but he gets the memo now. 

How have these experiences shaped the way you manage conflicts in your relationship 

James: There’s a lot more communication and understanding of each other’s approach to resolving conflict. 

I’ve realised that she likes to sleep on issues when they happen so she can have enough time to process them. I, on the other hand, want to talk about them as soon as they happen. But I’ve also learned to be patient.

Do you need time because you’re conflict-avoidant, Motun?

Motun: No.

I think it’s just a case of taking my time to understand what has happened and be intentional about how I want to respond to it. 

James: I’ve also realised that I’m always eager to resolve issues quickly because things tend to go wrong for me when we’re at loggerheads.

Please explain.

James: When we fight, I make stupid mistakes at work, become extremely forgetful and disoriented…all because my mind isn’t settled. I remember a scary incident in July 2023. I had an accident on my way after I angrily left the house following a disagreement. I lost control of the steering wheel because I wasn’t in the right state of mind.

So that’s why I like it when we squash the issues almost as soon as they surface.

Fair enough. How has being with each other changed you both?

James: Motun has taught me patience, and I’ve also learned not to react to everything that comes my way.

I said earlier that she takes her time to process situations before she responds properly—I find myself doing this more and more just by watching her day in and day out.

Motun: I’m continuing to unlearn my one-dimensional approach to life. 

Being with James has shown me that I can always make room for the other important things in my life while chasing that one thing. I’m still a work in progress, but I’m much better than where I was before I met him. 

On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your love life?

James: I’d rate it a 10. I’ve realised that no matter what I’m going through in life or whatever differences we have, I always want to return to my wife every day. 

Motun: I agree with his rating.

Whenever he goes to work or isn’t around, I sniff his clothes just to feel his presence. There’s a way his presence comforts me and makes me feel alive, and moments like that make it a solid 10 for me. 

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