Love Life听is a 91大神 weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
The subjects of this week鈥檚 Love Life are Frank*, 56, and Enobong*, 51. They talk about dating for six years, navigating long-distance in a time without phones and being married for 23 years.
What鈥檚 your earliest memory of each other
Frank: I had an office in Ikeja beneath a computer school, and the day she came to register, she said hi to me. We went to the same university back in Calabar, so it was nice to see a familiar face.
Enobong: I was 22 and trying to be useful during holidays, so I enrolled at a computer class. The first day we had a conversation, I mentioned I was going to the market after computer classes. He told me to buy something for him from the market, and I did. I didn鈥檛 know what to buy, so I bought him a handkerchief.
Frank: I didn鈥檛 think she would buy it. I just said it to continue the conversation.
How did you realise you liked each other?
Enobong: Well, at that time, there was some other person I was talking to. But when I went to visit him one day, he did something that made me realise I didn鈥檛 want a relationship with him. I thought, 鈥淔rank wouldn鈥檛 hurt me like that.鈥 That鈥檚 how I realised I genuinely liked him.
Frank: So I was a rebound?
Enobong: Something like that, yes.
Frank: Wow. Well, I realised I liked her when I tried to make her jealous. I had this female friend who came to write exams but was resting in my office. I told the friend to help me gauge Eno鈥檚 reaction when she sees me taking her to lunch. As I realised I cared about her reaction, I knew just how much I felt for her.听
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Were you jealous?
Enobong: Yes now. She was a very pretty girl, and I knew they were close friends. I thought he would go for her over me, but here we are.
Frank: I didn鈥檛 even know she was jealous because she never acted on it. She鈥檚 never been one for drama.
And how did that progress to dating?
Enobong: Honestly, I don鈥檛 remember. I know I started talking to him every day. Before or after the computer classes start, I鈥檇 pop into his office to talk.
Frank: Well, we would talk like that for the duration of the computer training period. Then one day, I told her I wanted us to be friends.
Enobong: I remember wondering what he meant. Weren鈥檛 we friends? We鈥檇 been talking almost every day for a year.
Frank: I liked her a lot and wanted us to be friends. I wanted to know where the feelings would take us.
What was dating like?
Enobong: Well, we saw each other as often as we could because, when the holiday ended, I went back to school in Calabar while he stayed in Lagos. There were no phones then, so we only wrote letters to one another.
Frank: Sometimes, she wouldn鈥檛 get my letters, so it was only the love I had for her that kept me going. I鈥檓 an architect, and sometimes, I鈥檇 get jobs in Calabar, so we鈥檇 hangout once or twice during the school year. But asides from that, nothing till the holidays.
How did you people cope?
Enobong: I was busy with school and church, so I didn鈥檛 even have the energy to entertain anything else.
Frank: When you love someone, it occupies your mind. My thoughts were filled with her, and I couldn鈥檛 think of anyone else. I knew I wanted to marry her, but she was still in school. We decided to wait until she was done with her NYSC.
Funny enough, I鈥檇 sworn I would never date anyone who鈥檚 still in school because they wouldn鈥檛 be faithful to me. But if I鈥檇 already broken one rule, waiting for her to finish was something else I could do.
After she was done with NYSC, which was about six years after we started dating, I proposed to her during a get-together at my cousin鈥檚 house. I told everyone I had an announcement to make, and I asked her to marry me.
Enobong: I was shocked because I didn鈥檛 know he鈥檇 planned it, but I鈥檇 made up my mind that if I looked for a job for a year and didn鈥檛 find one, I鈥檇 get married. I loved him enough to marry him immediately, but I wanted to find a job first. When I didn鈥檛, I decided to go ahead with the wedding.
How was that like?
Enobong: My family liked him, but they initially thought I was rushing into it because they didn鈥檛 know we鈥檇 dated that long. Once I cleared the air with them, they were no longer worried about it. They also thought I should鈥檝e gotten a job first.
Frank: The only problem we could鈥檝e had was that she comes from a very rich family. Me, not so much. My dad had just died, and I was caring for my siblings.
I鈥檓 lucky she wasn鈥檛 one for extravagance, but I still took it as a challenge upon myself. I wanted to make her happy always. It might be with something small like coming back home with a gift for her, her favourite biscuits, but it鈥檚 important she鈥檚 happy.
God when? What was it like after the wedding?
Enobong: The year we got married, we had our first child. I don鈥檛 think anything about us changed. We were just a couple with a child.
Frank: We prayed a lot and knew this was the path God was leading us to, so we never deterred. Anything that came across as a challenge, we took it to God. We promised ourselves early on that we wouldn鈥檛 bring other people into our relationship. It was just us and God.听
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And your children. How many?
Enobong: We have three children we love very dearly.
Frank: Having children made us love each other more. These were the products of the love we shared.
Enobong: Children bind you to a person, and ours bound me to someone I love.
What鈥檚 something about marriage that you realised the older you got?
Frank: Marriage is about working on it. Nobody can say they have it 100%. You started out as strangers, and now, you鈥檙e making a life together. There鈥檒l be bumps, but you鈥檝e made the decision to stay together, so you must work on it. You navigate your differences and try to understand.
When we had our third child, there were some complications with the birth and we argued about it for a while. How much rest she was taking and how little she needed to work, but we worked it out.
Enobong: You may have a plan for yourself and the place you want to be at a certain point after being married, but you might not get there. That鈥檚 why love is important.
Also, living with someone is much different than dating them. I didn鈥檛 know this man was messy. He leaves nylons and food wrappers everywhere.
Frank: It鈥檚 not that bad. She鈥檚 exaggerating.
Any challenges?
Enobong: He鈥檚 messy.
Frank: She鈥檚 always saying, 鈥淚 don鈥檛 know,鈥 when I ask her questions. How can she not know? I want to make her happy all the time, but I don鈥檛 think I have the capacity for it. I try my best though.
Enobong: You do.
On a scale of 1-10, rate your love life
Frank: An 8. If it were a 10/10, it鈥檒l no longer be a human relationship. We still have our shortcomings, but we care about each other greatly.听
Enobong: 8.5 because we understand each other. We try our best.
