91����

Love Life is a 91���� weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Muyiwa: I remember seeing her at a friend’s party in late 2022. She was wearing a bright yellow dress, standing out from everyone else. I didn’t approach her that night because I thought, “This babe is way out of my league.” 

But we ran into each other again at a work event and I finally worked up the courage to talk to her.

Banke: I don’t remember him from this friend’s party. When we met at the other event, I liked that he wasn’t trying too hard to impress anyone; he was just comfortable in his skin. That kind of quiet confidence is rare, especially in men around here who feel the need to overcompensate. 

What made you like each other?

Banke: I was tired of the typical Nigerian guys who think they have to show off their money or connections. Muyiwa didn’t even try to flirt with me when we first talked, which made me curious. I guess I liked the idea of a man who didn’t need to prove anything.

But honestly, if you’d told me then that we’d end up together with a kid months later, I would’ve laughed it off.

Muyiwa: What really drew me to her when we first spoke was her drive about her work.

But it wasn’t just her ambition. When we started talking more, I saw this vulnerable, soft side she didn’t show to many people. It made me want to protect her, even though she didn’t need protecting. I liked that she could be this powerhouse at work but still have moments when she let her guard down with me, even early on when I thought we’d be just friends.

So how did this friendship turn into a relationship?

Muyiwa: We exchanged numbers, but we didn’t rush into anything. We’d text occasionally, mostly just small talk, nothing serious. It wasn’t until about three weeks later that things really kicked off. We ran into each other at another mutual friend’s birthday party. 

Banke: We ended up talking for hours about life, work, family. That was when I felt like I really got to know him. What I liked about him after that was how he listened. I’ve met a lot of guys who pretend to be interested in what you’re saying, but you can tell their mind is somewhere else. 

With Muyiwa, he was genuinely engaged. He asked thoughtful questions, remembered little details, and wasn’t intimidated by me.

Muyiwa: What pushed us closer was this one conversation where she mentioned how exhausting it was being a woman in her field. She was dealing with a lot of pressure, trying to prove herself in a male-dominated industry. I remember telling her she didn’t have to be “on” all the time with me, that she could just be herself. 

The way she looked at me for a while then smiled, I just knew I wanted her to be my girlfriend.

Did you ask her immediately?

Muyiwa: No, I waited till we spoke on the phone that night. We started dating not long after that because she had to think about it. But we were just going with the flow. Neither of us was thinking too far ahead. 

Banke: Then, a few months in, I was pregnant. That changed everything. 

So there was already sex involved in the flow?

Banke: Yes, but we weren’t prepared for this. I wanted to keep the baby, but it didn’t stop me from freaking out. Marriage was the obvious next step, but something about rushing into it didn’t feel right to either of us. 

I was at a point in my career where things were really taking off, and the timing just felt all wrong. But after the initial panic, Muyiwa was the one who calmed me down. He said we’d figure it out together, which gave me some peace of mind.

Muyiwa: At that point, I had a really good job. I assumed I’d keep working, and we’d somehow juggle everything. But a few months after our daughter was born, I got laid off during a company downsizing. 

Banke: I was still on maternity leave, and we were suddenly living off my savings and his severance pay. We had to make some quick decisions. The job market was rough, and with a newborn at home, we needed one of us to be with her full-time. 

I went back to work, and Muyiwa kind of fell into the role of primary caregiver.

Wait, a lot happened so fast. Why does it sound like these decisions came easy to you?

Muyiwa: It was chaotic, and nothing about those decisions was easy. 

When Banke told me she was pregnant, we weren’t even half a year into the relationship, and suddenly, we were talking about raising a child together. We didn’t have a solid plan; we were just trying to keep our heads above water. There were arguments—plenty of them. I was under so much pressure to step up and be the provider, but for whatever reason, finding another job in the middle of all that didn’t happen.

Banke: I’d just gotten a promotion at work before I discovered the pregnancy, and suddenly, I was facing this huge life change. My friends, even my mum, advised an abortion. But when I talked to Muyiwa about it, he was clear about how he felt. He wanted to keep the baby, and honestly, his determination affected me. He had this sense of commitment that made me rethink my own stance.

What made you so sure at the time, Muyiwa?

Muyiwa: I grew up with traditional values, and part of me felt we had a responsibility to give our child a chance. I knew I had to support her in whatever decision she made, but I also wanted to make it clear that I was in this fully. I think deep down, we both felt a sense of duty and connection that made us lean towards keeping the baby.

Banke: It wasn’t just about what Muyiwa wanted; the idea of going through with an abortion wasn’t something I took lightly. It felt like it would leave a permanent mark on me psychologically. I also worried about how it might affect my relationship with Muyiwa. I didn’t want us to have that kind of conflict or regret hanging over us.

When did the idea of moving in together come in?

Muyiwa: It started with the fact that she lived with housemates because her family is still back in Nigeria. 

When she was around six months pregnant, the reality of managing everything—like doctor’s appointments, preparing for the baby, and just everyday life—started to hit us. She was still working, and we realised that juggling everything from two different places was becoming impractical. 

One evening, after a particularly stressful day of trying to balance all the errands, we had a serious conversation about our situation. I brought up the idea of moving in together, mostly because it seemed like the most practical solution. 

Banke: He really wanted us to support each other more directly. He wanted to be more involved in our baby’s life without the added stress of commuting or coordinating visits. 

It wasn’t exactly a romantic decision. We didn’t really have the luxury of taking our time to make it a “big” decision with all the planning and excitement of a typical move-in. It was more about getting things done and setting up a home base where we could both be present for our daughter.

Why does it sound like you were more focused on being parents than being a couple?

Banke: Actually, that’s what it was like for some time. Our relationship still feels a lot more domestic than romantic today, but it’s become a healthy balance.

I was initially hesitant because moving in together before marriage felt unconventional, and I was worried about how it would look to our families and friends. But as Muyiwa said, the timing and circumstances forced our hand. We needed to make it work for the sake of the baby and our own sanity. 

Muyiwa: I also wanted her to move from her apartment she shared with housemates. We started looking for somewhere that was reasonably close to where she worked so she wouldn’t have to commute too far, and that had enough space for a growing family. It was a whirlwind of decisions—finding a place, moving, and setting up a nursery—all while managing work and the stress of impending parenthood. 

I remember constantly thinking, “Is this really how we’re starting our family?” This was before I lost my job and things became a lot tougher.

Tell me about that

Banke: It was like the ground fell out from under us. I was trying to recover from childbirth, and now, we had to figure out how to keep our lives together with one income.

Muyiwa: After I got laid off, I felt like a failure—especially after encouraging us to keep the baby, and then, move into a bigger apartment on a good side of town. I couldn’t even tell Banke right away because I was embarrassed. When I finally did, I could see the worry on her face, but she didn’t freak out. Instead, she just asked, “What do we do now?” 

What did you do?

Muyiwa: I was job-hunting for a while. In the meantime, I stayed home on baby duties so we could save on daycare and nannies.

Banke: His mum was able to stay with us for the first month, but we were on our own after. So we kind of fell into the pattern of him staying home and handling chores. 

Muyiwa: It wasn’t easy for me to accept that she’d be the one going back to work while I stayed home. In our society, that’s not what’s expected of a man, and I struggled with it. But we had to make a decision quickly because we had a baby to take care of. There wasn’t time to sit around feeling sorry for ourselves.

I can imagine this affected your relationship even further?

Banke: We argued a lot during that time. I was a little resentful—why did I have to have so much responsibility now, right when my career was taking off? And I know Muyiwa felt guilty about losing his job. There was this tension between us, like we were trying to hold on to some sense of normalcy, but everything was changing so fast. 

Muyiwa: We didn’t sit down and calmly discuss our options; it was more like we were reacting to each crisis as it came. I think we just made the decisions we had to make to survive, even if it meant turning everything we knew about relationships on its head.

Banke: And even now, it’s not always smooth sailing. There are days when I feel the weight of being the breadwinner, and days when Muyiwa struggles with not fitting into that traditional male role. We’re still figuring it out as we go, and it’s far from perfect.

So you decided to stick to this dynamic longterm?

Muyiwa: As our daughter grew, I realised that being at home allowed me to build a strong bond with her, which is something I couldn’t trade for anything. It’s not just about taking care of a baby; it’s about being present, involved, and providing a stable environment for her to grow up in.

Banke’s career is doing so well. I’d never ask her to give that up so our daughter can have a present parent. I decided to take that up myself.

Banke: When Muyiwa first took on the stay-at-home role, I felt relieved because it meant one less thing for me to worry about. I could focus on my job and provide for our family without having to juggle everything on my own. 

Sounds like a “but” is coming…

Banke: But there’s a part of me that feels guilty for being the primary breadwinner. I know it sounds strange, but I’ve had to confront my own insecurities about being the one who’s “bringing home the bacon”. There’s a lot of judgement about women who out-earn their partners. 

Muyiwa: But I contribute. I still have freelance and side gigs, but the focus is no longer on chasing a full-time role.

Banke: I also sometimes feel that his role as a stay-at-home dad is undervalued by others, and that affects how I see our situation. I worry about him feeling sidelined or less important when his role is crucial to our family’s well-being. It’s hard not to feel that there’s a stigma attached to it, both from society and within ourselves.

What pushbacks have you experienced from society so far?

Muyiwa: Oh, there have been quite a few. 

One specific scenario that stands out is a family wedding we attended a few months back. I was there with Banke, and we were discussing our daughter’s milestones. My uncle, who’s always been a traditionalist, asked me directly, “So, what are you doing with yourself now? Still at home?” 

It wasn’t just the question; it was the tone—almost like he was questioning my manhood. It was uncomfortable, and I felt this wave of embarrassment. I could see Banke getting angry, and she tried to deflect the conversation, but the damage was done. 

Banke: During a meeting at work early this year, a colleague asked about my family. When I mentioned that Muyiwa was at home taking care of our daughter, their reaction was almost comical in its disbelief. They couldn’t understand why I was the one working while my partner stayed home. 

The questions started rolling in—“Isn’t he trying to find a job?” or “How do you manage with him not working?” It felt like people were looking for a reason to justify our arrangement, as if it couldn’t possibly be a legitimate choice.

Muyiwa: Then there’s the more subtle stuff, like when people make offhand comments about how “nice” it must be for me to not have to work. It’s this kind of dismissive attitude that implies my role is somehow less valuable because it doesn’t come with a paycheck. 

I’ve also encountered some judgement from friends who’ve expressed surprise that I’m “okay” with being a stay-at-home dad. They often assume there’s something wrong or that I’m not ambitious, which couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s a strange kind of scrutiny that’s hard to explain.

People don’t like “different”

Banke: I think it’s also a thing where this generation only glorifies capitalism. Anything slightly domestic is always looked down on because, trust me, if I was the one as a woman staying home, they’d still say my husband is squashing my potential. 

Muyiwa: Meanwhile, it’s kind of a privilege for us to be able to afford to prioritise our daughter this way.

Actually

Banke: There was this time I ran into an old friend from university. She knew about my career success but was shocked to hear that Muyiwa was at home. And she asked if everything was okay at home. The judgement is often veiled in concern.

Muyiwa: There’s a lot of subtle but pervasive pressure to fit into a mould, and it’s exhausting to constantly navigate those expectations while trying to make the best decisions for our family. Because this actually works great for all three of us; we’re actually fine.

What are the biggest challenges you’ve faced since settling into this dynamic?

Banke: Beyond the constant need to justify our arrangement or prove that it’s working well, there’s the juggling act of managing my career, being present for our daughter as well, and supporting Muyiwa emotionally.

Muyiwa: Another challenge is dealing with the impact on our relationship. 

Banke: Oh yes. 

Let’s talk about that

Banke: There are days when I come home from work and feel like I’m expected to pick up where Muyiwa left off, even though I’m exhausted. It’s also tough to find a balance between being supportive and not falling into a role where I feel like I’m doing everything. 

It’s a constant negotiation of who does what and ensuring that both of us feel valued and understood.

Muyiwa: There’s also navigating our parents’ reactions and dealing with their constant questions about marriage, when we’re going to have our second kid…

Exactly what my next question was. What’s the plan for these things now that things have seemingly settled?

Muyiwa: We’ve discussed marriage as something we’d like to do eventually, not just for ourselves but also for our daughter’s sense of stability. However, we want to make sure that when we do get married, it’s because we’re ready and not just trying to meet societal expectations.

Banke: We’ve seen too many couples rush into marriage for the wrong reasons, and we want to avoid that. We didn’t quite get the chance to be ready for that when our little girl came into the picture. We’re more focused on building a strong foundation for our family and making sure that when we do decide to marry, it’s not just because of her.

So no expanding the family right now, I guess

Banke: No, and we’ve been very careful with precautions! 

We’ve talked about it, but we’re also trying to stabilise our situation and make sure we’re both in a good place before considering adding another member to our family. We want to be sure that we can give any future children the attention and resources they deserve, just like our daughter, without stretching ourselves too thin.

Muyiwa: I mean, we’re still adjusting to our current dynamic; adding another child would be a big decision most likely for after marriage.

What was your first major fight about?

Muyiwa: We haven’t had any major fights.

Banke: Neither of us has the personality for a blown-out fight. We’re much too level-headed.

Muyiwa: But we’ve had our share of arguments, especially when we’re both exhausted after a long day. We have to remind ourselves that this is a work in progress, and we’re both learning how to make this work.

Banke: Despite all that, I do appreciate what Muyiwa brings to our family. He’s been amazing with our daughter, and seeing the bond they share makes me realise that this arrangement is so beneficial.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your Love Life?

Muyiwa: 4. Do I love her? Yes. Do I love where our intimacy is at right now? Not at all.

Banke: I’d rate it around a 5. There are definitely aspects of our love life we’re struggling with, but there’s still a foundation of love, effort and mutual respect I find invaluable.

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