When Joshua*, 43, got married 14 years ago, he thought he had found someone as gentle and easy-going as himself. Instead, his wife gradually became the opposite of the woman he thought he knew.
In this week鈥檚 Marriage Diaries, he shares how an argument that turned physical made him question whether he was truly ready for marriage, why his wife鈥檚 personality change became one of their biggest sources of conflict, and how his spiritual journey taught him to respond with patience rather than anger.
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I thought I鈥檇 found someone like me
I always expected my marriage to be peaceful and without trouble. I鈥檓 a gentle and easy-going person, and I knew I wanted someone like me who didn鈥檛 like to be too social or loud. Even my parents used to joke that they hoped I would find someone like me because my siblings are my complete opposites. We had a difficult relationship growing up because they were always too hyper for my liking, and it caused a lot of fights between us.
So, my experience with them led me to decide I had to marry someone like me. I felt that if we were too different, the marriage wouldn鈥檛 survive. But as they say, we can want one thing, and God can have other plans.
I met my wife at a seven-day retreat. I wasn鈥檛 looking for a relationship at the time. I was also struggling financially, which was one of the reasons I attended the retreat. I really needed God to change things in my life.
One day, I saw her arguing with an usher. She looked so calm while expressing herself that I felt a strange nudge to intervene. Something in me just felt that she couldn鈥檛 have been at fault.
On the day the retreat ended, I asked for her number and she gave it to me. We started talking, and two years later, we got married.
At the time, it felt like she was the light I needed in my life. Things started moving well for me, and I loved her meek and gentle nature. But I didn鈥檛 know she had another side to her.
I didn鈥檛 know my wife could be this different
My wife鈥檚 nature has been the biggest surprise of my marriage. When we met, I genuinely thought I had found someone like me. She was calm, gentle and easy-going, and that was exactly what I wanted. But over the years, she changed. Sometimes, I look at who she was when we got married and who she is now, and it feels like I鈥檓 looking at two completely different people.
She changed physically too, going from slim to much bigger and bustier. But the physical changes aren鈥檛 what bother me. It鈥檚 the behavioural changes that have been harder to adjust to.
She enjoys going out more now and has become much more outspoken. You can鈥檛 put her and the word 鈥済entle鈥 in the same sentence anymore. We鈥檙e almost complete opposites now.
But I鈥檓 already married to her, and I don鈥檛 plan to have a broken home. So I鈥檝e had to learn to be patient and accept that people change.
After all, she also accepted me when I answered my spiritual calling and became a pastor. I can鈥檛 expect her to remain exactly the same person I met 14 years ago while I continue to evolve.
A physical fight made me question our marriage
A year after we got married, my wife and I had a heated argument. In the middle of it, she pushed me so hard that I fell and hurt my back. I couldn鈥檛 believe what had happened.
We didn鈥檛 speak for almost three days, even though we were sleeping and waking up in the same house. I鈥檓 introverted, so when I鈥檓 hurt, my natural reaction is to keep quiet. But those three days made me think deeply. I started asking myself whether I was really ready for marriage if I wasn鈥檛 prepared to forgive my wife.
One thing I鈥檝e learnt is that for a marriage to last, you have to get comfortable with forgiving over and over again. Eventually, I prayed and asked God for direction. I was the one who apologised, even though she was the one who had taken things that far.
That experience made me realise that marriage would require much more patience than I had imagined.
I鈥檝e learnt to keep quiet when she鈥檚 angry
We鈥檝e had several arguments over the years. Sometimes it鈥檚 family, the children or money. There always seems to be something to disagree about when two people are building a life together. But I learnt early that when my wife is angry, I shouldn鈥檛 try to match her energy.
Once she gets in her feelings and it turns into shouting, it鈥檚 better to keep quiet or walk away, as it can become physical. There have been times she has dragged my shirt or sat on me and said I wasn鈥檛 going anywhere.
In the early years, I would either shout back or leave the house for the weekend. I would also keep quiet and avoid talking about things because that鈥檚 just how I naturally am. I didn鈥檛 realise that she was also keeping certain things inside.
Eventually, whether I talked or stayed quiet, once my wife was ready to argue, she would come and meet me wherever I was. It was one of the hardest parts of our marriage. But a lot changed after I answered my calling.
These days, I try to be patient and understanding. I鈥檝e started seeing my wife as a test of my faith. Whenever she does something or wants to start a fight, I ask the Holy Spirit for guidance before I react. And every time, patience has worked. Two people cannot be fire at the same time. One person has to be water.
I was patient, but marriage taught me more about patience
Marriage has made me even more patient. If anyone had told me that I needed more patience, I would have argued with them. Ask anyone who knows me, and they鈥檒l describe me as gentle and easy-going. I鈥檝e always been the person who barely says anything.
So it genuinely surprised me to realise that I still needed to learn how to be more patient.
But I think that was God鈥檚 way of teaching me. There鈥檚 almost nothing in my spiritual journey these days that can shake me or get a brash reaction out of me. I鈥檝e learnt to diffuse a situation before reacting to it, and I learnt that through my marriage.
I should have paid more attention
If I could go back, I would tell myself to pay more attention before getting married.
I know that one or two years, or even five years, isn鈥檛 necessarily enough time to know someone completely. You can sleep and wake up with the same person for the rest of your life and still discover parts of them they鈥檝e chosen to hide from you. But you owe yourself the responsibility of trying to discover those parts.
When I was dating my wife, I naturally accepted that she was calm and easy-going like me. But I didn鈥檛 really put her in situations where I could have found out if that was truly her nature.
So I would tell anyone getting married not to assume they know the person they鈥檙e marrying. Use whatever method works for you to understand the person you鈥檒l spend your life with. You owe yourself that much.
And when people change after marriage, you also have to decide whether you鈥檙e willing to grow with them. For me, marriage has taught me that patience and understanding aren鈥檛 just things you say you value. Sometimes, they鈥檙e what keep you from giving up when you no longer recognise the person you married.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
Got a marriage story to share? Please聽聽and we鈥檒l reach out.
