Hassan* (39) never imagined himself as a married man. Even with solid examples of happy marriages around him, it just wasn鈥檛 something he actively wanted. But between family expectations, meeting the right partner and surviving a life-changing accident with his wife, he has had to grow into a version of himself he didn鈥檛 even know existed.
This is a look into his marriage diary.
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I didn鈥檛 see marriage as something I wanted for myself
I never really thought about getting married. Whenever marriage came up, I always knew it wasn鈥檛 something I particularly wanted. And it wasn鈥檛 because I had a bad example in front of me. My parents had a good marriage. My uncles and aunties, too. There was love, stability and all the things people usually point to when they talk about why marriage is a good thing. But for me, it just didn鈥檛 connect.
Even when I started working, and people around me were getting into serious relationships or preparing for marriage, I didn鈥檛 feel like I was missing anything. I was comfortable with how my life was. I had relationships here and there, but nothing that made me think, 鈥淵es, this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.鈥
My mum, on the other hand, was starting to get concerned. She would ask questions in that subtle way parents do, like she wasn鈥檛 really asking. At some point, she even called one of my close friends to ask about my love life. It was both funny and embarrassing when I found out.
The truth is, I wasn鈥檛 clueless about women. I was seeing people, but nothing serious enough to take home. I didn鈥檛 feel the need to formalise anything.
If I鈥檓 being completely honest, if there were no family or societal expectations, I could have stayed unmarried. Maybe have a child or two just to continue my lineage, or maybe not even that. I was fine with my life the way it was. But I also knew that at some point, marriage would come. It felt like one of those things you eventually do as you get older, whether you鈥檙e fully convinced or not.
My wife brought out a version of me I didn鈥檛 know existed
The biggest surprise for me is how much I鈥檝e changed.
If you ask anyone who knew me when I was younger, they will tell you I was not a romantic person. I didn鈥檛 care for all those things. I wasn鈥檛 the type to remember dates, plan surprises, or say sweet things.
But my wife is the complete opposite. She鈥檚 very expressive and very particular about how she wants to be loved. And she didn鈥檛 just expect me to magically become that person. She actually taught me.
I remember the first birthday we spent together while we were dating. I didn鈥檛 do anything special. To me, it was just another day. She didn鈥檛 make a big issue out of it at the time, but I could tell she noticed.
By the second year, things changed. She started telling me clearly what she expected. How she wanted to be woken up with a kiss, how she wanted handwritten notes, the kind of cake she liked and even the exact words that should be written on it.
At first, it felt like a lot. It almost felt like I was being coached through something that should come naturally. But over time, I realised that she was just showing me how to love her in a way that meant something to her.
And slowly, it became part of me. Now I find myself doing things I never thought I would do. Planning birthdays, organising date nights, writing messages that the younger version of me would never have imagined.
It still surprises me sometimes, but I won鈥檛 lie, it鈥檚 a good feeling. There鈥檚 a softness that comes with it. It doesn鈥檛 just affect my marriage; it affects how I relate with people generally.
A car accident tested me in ways I wasn鈥檛 prepared for
If there was any moment that made me question myself in marriage, it would be the accident. We were on our way back from a wedding in Ibadan when it happened. The car had a brake failure. It was one of those moments where everything happens so fast, and before you fully understand what鈥檚 going on, it鈥檚 already too late.
We both got injured, but hers was much worse. Her right leg was badly damaged, and despite all the efforts to save it, the doctors eventually had to amputate.
That period was one of the hardest times of my life. Not just as a husband, but as a person. I had to be strong for both of us. There was no option. But that doesn鈥檛 mean I didn鈥檛 have moments where I doubted myself. There were times I felt overwhelmed, and times I questioned if I had the emotional strength to carry both of us through that situation.
But every time I looked at her, I didn鈥檛 see someone who had given up. She was still trying to be cheerful and trying to live. And that alone kept me going.
I realised that I couldn鈥檛 afford to break down when she was still fighting. So I had to step up in ways I never had to before. I had to reassure her constantly that nothing had changed for me. That I still saw her the same way, and I wasn鈥檛 going anywhere. It wasn鈥檛 easy, and it鈥檚 still a journey, but that experience really showed me what commitment looks like beyond words.
Marriage will bring things nobody can warn you about
One thing I鈥檝e learnt is that people can tell you marriage is not easy, but they can鈥檛 really explain what that means.
Everyone says challenges will come, but until you鈥檙e the one going through it, you don鈥檛 fully understand the weight of those words. In my case, who would have thought that something like that accident would become part of our story? It鈥檚 not the kind of thing you sit down and plan for or even imagine. And that鈥檚 just one example.
There are so many things that happen in marriage that nobody prepares you for. Situations that don鈥檛 come with a manual. Moments where you and your partner have to figure things out on your own. That鈥檚 why I believe that in marriage, you鈥檙e the one writing your own script. You can listen to advice, but at the end of the day, your reality will be different.
For me, I don鈥檛 like involving third parties in my marriage. I believe whatever issue we鈥檙e facing is something we should sit down and resolve ourselves. It forces you to communicate better and understand each other more. It鈥檚 not always easy, but it has helped us grow.
I had to learn patience and restraint on a completely different level
The way I handle conflict now is very different from how I handled it before.
Before the accident, I would get upset over things like her mood swings or how she talks to me sometimes. Even small things could turn into arguments. But after everything we鈥檝e been through, my perspective changed.
Now, I see those things as minor. Not worth the energy or the tension it brings. My wife is in a sensitive place, and the last thing I want is to add to that. So I鈥檝e had to develop a lot of patience. A lot of restraint. I think of it as being patient times ten, understanding times ten.
It鈥檚 not like I don鈥檛 notice things anymore. I do. But I鈥檓 more intentional about how I respond. And the good thing is, she also notices the effort. When she realises she鈥檚 wrong, she apologises quickly. There鈥檚 a level of awareness on both sides now that wasn鈥檛 there before. We鈥檙e both trying, and that makes a big difference.
Love alone is not enough to keep a marriage going
I don鈥檛 believe love is enough. Love is important, no doubt. But it鈥檚 not enough to sustain a marriage on its own. There will be times when the feeling is not as strong as it used to be. Times when you鈥檙e frustrated or tired or dealing with something heavy.
In those moments, you need other things to fall back on. You need patience. You need kindness. You need commitment. You need to be willing to stay and work through things even when it鈥檚 not convenient.
Even the fact that you鈥檝e built a life together matters. The family you鈥檝e created becomes part of the reason you keep going. Love plays a role, but it鈥檚 not the only thing holding everything together. If that鈥檚 all you have, it won鈥檛 be enough when real life starts happening.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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