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At 28, Lara* is already navigating a reality many people don’t face until much later in life. After marrying a man thrice her age who gave her the stability she craved, she now finds herself grieving and trying to figure out life again. 

In this episode, she reflects on her dating history and experiences as a young widow.

What’s your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?

I’m single, and I’m still trying to process it. I lost my husband about a year ago. I never imagined this would happen so early, so right now. I’m just trying to navigate everything.

I’m sorry. Could you take me back to the beginning? Walk me through your love life.

I was always popular with men during my teenage years. I don’t even know why, but I always had people around me. At the same time, I felt lonely.

I lost my parents at a young age and grew up with my uncle and his family. They didn’t maltreat me, but I always felt secondary. I think that affected me deeply, because I was always seeking companionship in romantic relationships. I had a boyfriend in primary school, and a flock of them in secondary school.

However, my first real relationship happened when I got into polytechnic in 2016. I met Kunle*, a coursemate of mine. We were among the first set of students in the department, so we became close quickly and developed feelings for each other. We started dating that same year. 

At first, it felt good. He was kind, treated me well, and we hardly argued. I thought he was a good person until mid-2017, when another lady contacted me and said she was his girlfriend back in his hometown. They’d been dating before he met me, and he never came clean.

I was angry and confronted him. He admitted she existed but claimed he’d ended things, and she refused to move on. I didn’t fully believe him, so I asked for some distance.

It was around that time I met Dele*.

I see. Tell me about Dele. How did that happen? 

I went swimming with friends. There was a pool beside a bar, and he was there. When I went to get a drink, he complimented me. Normally, I’d ignore something like that, but somehow we started talking and even exchanged contacts

Dele was in his mid-50s, almost three times my age, but I enjoyed his company. He was funny and generous. At first, we were just friends, and I assumed I’d enjoy the attention and move on. But that didn’t happen.

Kunle and I eventually reconciled, but it only lasted a few months before he left me for another woman. While I was nursing my heartbreak, Dele stepped in. 

Hmmm

This time, he asked me out seriously. But there was a lot to consider. Dele was a widower. His wife had died years earlier, and they had no children. He had remained single since then and wanted to try again. I had doubts because of the age gap, and tried looking out with a younger guy. But that failed. He only wanted something casual, which I wasn’t interested in.

Eventually, I looked at Dele and thought: he’s stable, caring, and I like him. What exactly am I waiting for? In 2019, I agreed to marry him.

Curious. Was your family in support of the union?

They weren’t pleased. My uncle was angry about the age gap. He asked if I was following an older man because of money and said harsh things about me.  But even with all the backlash and unkind words, they eventually gave their blessings. Dele was calm and respectful, so they softened. We got married in January 2020.

Sweet. What was married life like?

Better than I expected. He funded my HND and helped me start a business, exactly as he promised. He wasn’t stingy or difficult. I had what I needed, and we cared about each other.

I don’t regret marrying him, but if I could go back, I probably wouldn’t have married so young. I missed important parts of my 20s. While my friends were living freely, I was already a wife.

Some of them started keeping their distance because they felt awkward around my older husband and couldn’t relate to my life. I also didn’t fit into his circle. His friends and family were much older. I was closer in age to some of his nieces and nephews, which made things awkward.

That loneliness was hard, but I eventually had a son in 2022. And motherhood gave me joy and purpose.

The only issue I had was with Dele’s friends. They didn’t respect me as his wife and sometimes treated me dismissively because of my age.

One night, a friend was drunk and making noise. I politely asked them to reduce the noise because my child was sleeping, but the man spoke rudely to me because he felt old enough to be my father. Dele didn’t defend me, and that hurt. We argued about things like that a lot, though I tried not to let it become a major issue.

In November 2024, he fell and had a stroke. I was at my shop when it happened. Our cleaner found him and called me before we rushed him to the hospital. That point marked a very unhappy phase of our marriage.

 I imagine it must have been a difficult period.

 It was. I became one of his main caregivers while running my business and caring for a child. It was frightening. I never imagined having to deal with something like that at my age. 

I didn’t tell much of my family because I didn’t want them to say they’d warned me.

After he left the hospital, I’d hoped things would get better, but they only got worse. About three months later, he had another stroke that led to a coma. He passed away in March 2025.

I’m sorry. How did you handle that loss?

It was devastating, but I was more overcome with fear rather than grief.

I kept thinking about our future. He left some money and property, but I was suddenly a young widow with a child while many of my friends hadn’t even married. His family also made things difficult.

Some of them accused me of not caring for him properly and looked for ways to blame me for his death.

They criticised the little things I did during the burial. At one point, music was playing, and I danced briefly with a little child to distract myself. They said I acted as if I was happy he died. One male elder even suggested taking me to their priest to swear I wasn’t involved in his death. Thankfully, some women in the family defended me and stopped it.

They advised me to stay humble and avoid arguments. Eventually, I let them share his property however they wanted, without following his will. In the end, they left just the house and some money for me and my son.

And what has life after that felt like?

I struggled with shock for a long time.

For the first few months, I didn’t even know how to behave. I had to follow mourning customs and restrictions, which was difficult because I’m still young and energetic. I also felt a lot of self-pity in the beginning. But I’m finding my footing again.

Well done. Is dating on the cards again? 

Not right now. For one, it’s too soon. I also don’t think I can relate to younger men anymore. Being married to someone older changed how I see relationships.

There’s a man in his 30s trying to talk to me, but his attitude is terrible. He talks about women as if he wants a maid, not a partner. His idea of flirting is joking about me cooking and cleaning for him. I’ve found that I’m generally irritated by how many younger men think.

I don’t know what the future holds, but right now I’m still trying to move on from my husband’s death.

I hope it all works out. How have these experiences shaped your idea of love and relationships?

I’ve learnt that life isn’t certain. I thought I’d have Dele’s security and companionship forever, but it didn’t last. Life doesn’t always follow our plans.

Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.

I’d give it a 6/10. I don’t hate being single, but I miss the safety net of a relationship. Back then, I didn’t have to think so hard about survival. Now, I think like a hustler every day for my son, while also trying to stay diplomatic with Dele’s family. 

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