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In a world where men are often pressured to prove their masculinity through sex, not every man wants to play along. 

For these Nigerian men, sex hangs incredibly low on their list of priorities. They open up about what has inspired their individual journey to celibacy. 

“I don’t want to repeat the cycle” — Dele*, 29

Growing up, I watched my parents struggle because of my dad’s infidelity. Seeing how much it affected our family made me afraid that I could end up like him. My dad also told me that, when he was a teenager, his own father used to take him to bars where he was introduced to women. His dad even arranged his first sexual experience. While I don’t excuse his lack of self-control, I understand that those experiences may have influenced his problems as an adult and normalised that behaviour for him.

I never want to repeat that cycle or hurt my partner the way he hurt my mum. So, for now, I’ve chosen to wait until I’m with someone I’m genuinely ready to commit to long-term. It just happens that I haven’t met that person yet.

“I don’t want to be casual about sex” — Ismail*, 27

For me, an intellectual and emotional bond comes first before anything physical can happen. I even had my first kiss pretty late in university, because I wanted to feel that connection first. To me, sex is the highest form of commitment. I don’t want to take it lightly.

I’ve seen how some of my friends lose their sense of reasoning and develop unhealthy attachments after sleeping with someone, and I want to make sure I’m with someone for the right reasons. My last few relationships ended before we got to that point, and I don’t want to be pressured into sex. I’m looking for someone I can connect with intellectually, emotionally, and in every other way. I’ve never been casual about my choices. Sex won’t be any different.

“I’m scared that sex could derail my progress” — Matthew* 31

I was exposed to pornography and drugs at a very young age, and they became things I struggled to control. By the time I got to university, I was going downhill and struggled with my mental health. My addictions affected my sense of reasoning and took me to a very low point in my life.

I eventually realised that I get addicted to things easily, so I had to become more disciplined about what I allowed into my life. I was able to break free from those addictions by cutting off the things that were distracting me. I started working out, reading more, and focusing on improving myself. I’ve become much more productive since then, but I’m scared that if I start having sex, I might get hooked on it and lose the progress I’ve made. I’m in a relationship, but I’m waiting until I feel sure.

“I believe waiting until marriage is the wise thing to do” — Joshua* 30

I’ve chosen celibacy until marriage, firstly because of my religion. I believe God gives us certain boundaries for a reason. They’re ultimately meant to protect us and our best interests. I’ve seen people get affected by STIs and pregnancies that derailed their lives into unhealthy patterns, and it reinforced my belief that waiting is a wise choice.

I also think having sex too early can weaken a relationship because people can become more focused on sex than on the other important parts of getting to know each other. I’m focused on growing with my fiancée before taking that step. I believe that being on the same page and fully committed to each other will make sex more meaningful and enjoyable.

“I realised I was addicted to relationships” — Juwon* 36

I like to call myself a second virgin because I’ve been celibate for more than three years now. In the past, I used to jump from one relationship to another. In 2022 alone, I was in five relationships. I had to ask myself why I couldn’t be single for even a month or two.

I realised I was addicted to relationships because of the gratification they gave me. I have never liked casual sex. Many times, I dated people that were clearly wrong for me just because they satisfied those desires. Reflecting on that made me realise I was doing more harm to myself than anything, and I wanted to try a different approach. So now, I’m abstaining and focusing on building stronger connections first. I’m also at the age where I want a serious and long-term commitment, ideally leading to marriage.

“Sex is spiritual” — Paul*, 24

I don’t think sex should be as casual as people make it out to be these days. I see it as something spiritual, and I believe you take on a part of the person when you’re intimate with them, whether good or bad. I’ve heard friends share stories about things changing in their lives after sleeping with certain people. While I don’t necessarily subscribe to that belief, it has reinforced my conviction to be careful about who I let that close.

I’m a virgin because I only want to be with someone I trust and have built a strong connection with. I’ll know when I’m ready. I don’t necessarily tie it to marriage, but I just haven’t met the right person or been in the right context yet.

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