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How would you feel if your closest friend made a major decision like relocation without informing you?

That’s what happened to Ezra. He talks about being blindsided by his long-term best friend’s relocation, getting angry, and why he’s decided not to let his feelings affect their friendship. 

As told to Boluwatife

Image by Canva AI

If you’d asked me a year ago how I’d react to learning my best friend left the country without telling me, I’d have concluded that the friendship was over and cut off all communication. Now that it’s actually happened, I’ve found myself a lot more understanding. But it doesn’t mean I don’t feel bad about it. 

Deji* and I have been best friends since 2014. We met when we started sharing a bunk bed in our first year in university, and, as is usually the case with roommates, we automatically became friends. 

At first, our friendship was just the standard greeting, sharing food when either of us cooked and gisting about football and girls. Then, we became closer over the years. I still can’t explain how that happened, but we soon began visiting each other’s homes during the holidays and forming relationships with each other’s families. 

Deji’s mum had my number on speed dial and would call me if Deji didn’t pick up his phone when she called. Whenever she sent money and food to Deji at school, she’d send mine, too. Our parents also became close friends — the fact that Deji and I happened to come from the same state also helped — and we unofficially went from friends to brothers. 

After we graduated from uni in 2021, I decided against returning home so I could plan for NYSC, and I spent the full three months waiting for my call-up letter in Deji’s family house. His family was essentially my second family; there was nothing that happened in Deji’s family that I didn’t know. That’s why, even though I’m surprised Deji would japa without telling me, I’m not holding it against him.

The thing is, Deji comes from a heavily competitive polygamous home. His dad has multiple wives who constantly throw shade at each other, and his mum is constantly praying against enemies and spiritual attacks. I don’t consider myself superstitious, but some things I’ve seen in his family are more than mere coincidences.

For one, Deji and his siblings never hold big parties or celebrations due to his mum’s insistence. She believes that calling attention to themselves can result in spiritual attacks. The two times that Deji’s sister ignored that rule and held birthday parties without their mum’s knowledge, she fell sick and landed in the hospital. 

Just before we wrote our final exam paper in uni, Deji posted final year costume day pictures on Facebook and suddenly developed malaria the next day. I had to carry him on my back from the school clinic to the exam hall so he could write that paper and not get an extra year.

So, I understood that Deji had to make most moves in secret. But I didn’t expect that would also extend to me, considering how close we were. In fact, when he landed a tech job a year after graduation, I was the only one he told how much he earned. When he started seriously considering japa in 2023, I was the only person he told apart from his parents and siblings. We even brainstormed routes, and I helped him write some of the applications. 

That’s why I felt blindsided when, a few months ago, Deji sent me a WhatsApp message informing me that he’d arrived in Canada two days before and apologised for not telling me earlier. I honestly had no clue. I’d visited his house two weeks before then and asked about the visa status, but he said he was still waiting for feedback. 

Honestly, I was angry at first. It felt like he was subconsciously classifying me as one of the “village people” who would spoil his plans if he told me about it. If I even wanted to spoil the plan, wouldn’t I have done so when he first mentioned it?

I reduced communication for a bit after that because of my anger, but after some weeks, I realised I needed to get over myself. This is someone I know, and I understand his family circumstances. He’s still my best friend, and I’m sure he meant no harm. Plus, japa is something you can’t really afford to play trial and error with, considering the money involved in the process.

So, regardless of my feelings, I understand why Deji did what he did. If he had to do it again, I’d have no choice but to understand. The fact that I don’t believe telling me would’ve affected his plan in any way doesn’t mean I should ignore his fears. Whatever he chooses to do, he’s still my best friend, and I don’t want anger or a slight misunderstanding to change that. 

Right now, I’m helping him sell off the properties he left behind. He didn’t sell anything while still here to avoid arousing suspicion. Once that’s done, I’ll send him the money and look forward to when he can afford to visit Nigeria. Or maybe I’ll be the next to japa. Who knows?

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

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