Ese* (26) has been responsible for 80% of her family of seven鈥檚 needs since her parents left the police force a year ago, and it hasn鈥檛 been a walk in the park.
She talks about how her parents鈥 pension and gratuity payment delays have contributed to her family鈥檚 financial situation, sacrificing her needs and taking loans to meet demands at home, and how money has strained her relationship with her mum and sister.
As told to Boluwatife
Image: Canva AI
I鈥檓 my parents鈥 second child, but I鈥檝e supported them and my siblings financially since I started making some money.
I graduated from the university in 2020 and almost immediately started working for an older coursemate who had a POS business. She had a chain of POS machines and didn鈥檛 trust her staff to transfer money to clients without diverting some of it, so my job was to do those transactions for 鈧10k/month.
From that 鈧10k, I started contributing to sort home expenses. My parents were police officers who didn鈥檛 make much money 鈥 they each earned less than 鈧150k/month 鈥 and had five children to feed. My elder sister wasn鈥檛 working, so I had to pick up small expenses like utility bills and gas. I even dropped half my salary once to buy my mum a birthday cake. Still, the financial load was bearable until my parents retired from the force.
My dad retired first in May 2023. He retired as an Assistant Superintendent of Police (ASP) after 35 years of service. I didn鈥檛 imagine the lack of a salary would immediately worsen our financial situation. My dad said he was entitled to a cooperative association payout, gratuity, and monthly pension, so we all expected to get a tangible cash inflow soon. It didn鈥檛 exactly happen like that.
First, my dad鈥檚 cooperative payout was only 鈧600k. I expected it鈥檇 be more than that since it was supposed to be a portion of his salary for the whole 35 years he worked, but he may have withdrawn certain amounts at different times.
My dad decided to invest the payout in a fish farming business even though the family warned against it. Fish farming was a new business, and we weren鈥檛 sure there was enough capital. We suggested investing it in my mum鈥檚 small poultry business instead.
He refused, and as we predicted, the business folded up in six months. After building the pond, the remaining balance wasn鈥檛 enough to feed the fish regularly, and my dad ended up selling the fish at a loss.
For the gratuity and pension, it鈥檚 been over a year, and we still don鈥檛 know when the government will process either. The gratuity is supposed to be a lump sum of 鈧1m+. However, my dad knows police officers who retired a year before him and still don鈥檛 know when gratuity will come because of the unnecessary bureaucracy in the Nigerian system.
My mum also retired early this year and has joined the queue of expectant retirees. She鈥檚 expecting a bit more gratuity and pension because she retired as a Deputy Superintendent of Police (DSP), but as of right now, she and my dad are in the same shoes.
With both my parents retired, I became the de facto breadwinner. Fortunately, I landed an account officer position at a bank in September 2023, and my 鈧324k/month salary seemed more than enough to provide for my family.
My first mistake was letting my family know how much I earn, though I don鈥檛 see how I鈥檇 have avoided that. My parents asked about my salary after I returned from training school, and I don鈥檛 lie, so I told them.
Also, my local church is very small and almost entirely made up of my family. We have a tithe card system in the church, where members write the amount they pay as tithe. My family would鈥檝e seen that my tithe had increased to 鈧32k and would鈥檝e easily added two and two together.
It鈥檚 not that I don鈥檛 want to help out. Earning more made it easy to fill the gaps my parents鈥 retirement caused, but the rising cost of everything due to inflation and increasing expectations at home have turned my salary into almost nothing.
By the time I remove 鈧125k for ajo, sort out my lunch and transportation to work, food, utilities, school fees for my brother in secondary school and lend my parents money to do one thing or the other, I鈥檓 completely broke. I have to take quick loans from loan apps every other month to stay afloat.
A few months ago, I had to take a 鈧230k loan to support my brother through police training school. Then I took another 鈧50k loan for my mum to feed her birds at the poultry and pay me back after she sold them off鈥 she never paid me back. These loan deductions have brought my salary to about 鈧250k/month, but I have no choice but to keep handling 80% of my family鈥檚 needs.
The other 20% is my undergraduate younger sister, who fends for herself in uni, and my elder sister, who works at a school now but hardly makes enough to transport herself to work, let alone contribute to the home.
It鈥檚 exhausting being a breadwinner at 26. I鈥檓 constantly anxious about inflation and being unable to save for an emergency or even invest in property. I have about 鈧300k saved up now, but it鈥檚 nowhere close to the 鈧1m I need to buy land in my area or hold as emergency savings.
I鈥檓 constantly worried that one health emergency will come and drain me financially. My dad is diabetic, and my health insurance only covers me. He has , but that doesn鈥檛 get him standard treatment. I need to find a way to get him regular care at a private facility. Anyone else in my family can suddenly fall ill too. What do I do then?
The ajo I mentioned earlier was supposed to get me my own apartment, but since I can鈥檛 support two households, I used my share to update my work wardrobe, set money aside for my brother鈥檚 school fees and spent the rest on my family.
Aside from my concerns about savings and health, being breadwinner also means I constantly struggle with resentment toward and from my family.
My younger siblings don鈥檛 know how to manage with little, and they regularly ask for money. One could just go, 鈥淐an you give me 鈧10k?鈥 without giving reasons for why they need the money. Even me who鈥檚 making the money can鈥檛 make expenses like that.
I also expect them to pick up small expenses like soap or gas, but everyone just keeps whatever money they get because they know I鈥檒l handle everything. I resent that a lot. It鈥檚 like they think I have a magic tree where I just make money appear.
On the other hand, I鈥檓 positive my mum and elder sister resent me because of this same breadwinner matter.
My mum isn鈥檛 used to not having her own money, so she often lashes out because of frustration. When I have extra money, I try to give my parents around 鈧10k – 鈧20k just so they can hold it as pocket money, but it doesn鈥檛 always help with my mum.
Whenever I complain about my siblings wasting food, my mum often throws shade. She says things like, 鈥淪ome people complain too much just because they鈥檙e the ones who bought something.鈥 Sometimes, she鈥檚 supportive, but most times, she鈥檚 annoyed with me. I never know what version of her to expect daily.
For my elder sister, I think the resentment is because culture expects that everyone runs to the firstborn for financial help, and she feels bad that I鈥檓 the one in that 鈥渇irstborn鈥 position. Sometimes, she acts off towards me, and our relationship is often tense. Other times, she鈥檚 sympathetic and tells me she appreciates my sacrifices. Just like with my mum, I never know what to expect from my sister.
At least I don鈥檛 have to face that with my dad. He鈥檚 always appreciative and constantly praying for me.
Still, I鈥檓 grateful that I can help my family. It鈥檚 difficult most of the time, but it鈥檚 my duty. My friends and colleagues assume I have no use for money because I live with my parents and get offended when I say I can鈥檛 join an asoebi wedding group or lend them money. How many people do I want to tell about my situation?
I know things will get easier when my parents receive their gratuity and start receiving pensions. My mum would start a business again and no longer need to depend on me. If my siblings also get good jobs, they鈥檒l be able to contribute to the living expenses. That hope is the one thing keeping me going right now.
*Name has been changed for the sake of anonymity.
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