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Love can make even the brightest red flags look like warm sunsets. When you’re deep in your feelings, it’s easy to excuse bad behaviour, hoping things will get better or convincing yourself that no relationship is perfect.

We asked a few Nigerians to tell us the one big red flag they ignored in their relationships, from controlling partners to compulsive liars. Some stayed longer than they should have, while others reached a breaking point and walked away. 

Here are their stories.

“He has a tendency to be controlling.” —Temilade* (28), F

Temilade has been in a relationship for three years. The biggest issue she overlooks is her boyfriend’s desire to control her actions.

“It started small. He wanted me to block a guy on Instagram who was toasting me. I didn’t think it was a big deal; I thought he just wanted proof that I was with him for real. But since then, he’s been trying to control my movement and who I speak to. Sometimes he’ll say things like, ‘I don’t think you should travel home this weekend, you can go next weekend instead,’ or “That girl is too online, you shouldn’t be friends with her.’ 

If I go against what he says, we end up fighting. I’m a bit worried about it, but aside from that, he’s the perfect boyfriend. So I’m willing to go along with him. I just wish we didn’t fight every time I did something other than what he says.”

“She didn’t like any of my friends.” — Damola* (37), M

Damola thought he had found the love of his life until he ran into a big issue: she didn’t like any of his friends and wanted him to cut them off.

“I started dating an ex of mine when we were in 300L. When we first started dating, she mentioned not liking my friends because they were unserious. To be fair, this was true at the time, but we were still kids. After school, we started to mature and settle down into our adult lives. I was happy with her, but she would always complain if I wanted to hang out with my friends or visit them. 

She eventually gave me an ultimatum to cut all of them off or forfeit our relationship. I hated that and chose to leave the relationship. I don’t think it would have been an issue if it stopped at disliking them, but trying to make me cut off my closest friends was the sign I needed to leave.”

“He was constantly lying” — Timi* (26), F

Timi tried to ignore the fact that her ex-boyfriend told white lies, until she simply couldn’t ignore it anymore.

“I don’t know how to stress that he was always lying. Unprovoked too. He would lie about everything. In fact, if he ever said the sky was blue, I’d go outside to double-check.

At first, I thought it was just a minor issue. If we were going to Ikeja for lunch and someone asked where he was, he’d say he was in Lekki. He said he did it because people were always trying to get information about him, and I believed him at first. 

But as our relationship went on, I began to worry about what lies he was telling me. He tried to reassure me that he was always honest with me, but I have seen that boy lie to his mother’s face. I couldn’t trust him, so I walked away.”

“He was a people pleaser.” — Demi* (27), F

Demi tried to overlook the fact that her ex liked to bend over backwards for everyone, but one incident made her see she couldn’t handle his people pleasing.

“My ex was one of the sweetest men I have ever known, but he was a people pleaser. I think it had a bit to do with his upbringing — his mum was very overbearing. If even one person disagreed with something he wanted to do, he would start to doubt himself, and he’d most likely change his mind about it. He was obsessed with how people perceived him and his actions.

One day, a friend asked him for a large amount of money he didn’t have. Instead of telling his friend he didn’t have it, he took out a loan to give him the money. When he told me, I knew that the relationship couldn’t go far. He was too willing to do anything to maintain a certain image.”

“He is aggressive to everyone except me.” — Yetunde* (56), F

Yetunde thinks her husband’s personality is too abrasive, but she ignores it as much as she can because he has always been kind to her.

“I’ve been married for 28 years, and by far my biggest issue with my husband is his personality. He’s always spoiling for a fight and gets into arguments with strangers easily. 

It’s very annoying, but I’ve managed it because he has never done that with me. He has never raised his voice or threatened me; he is always gentle and sweet. But even with our children, he’s irritable and touchy. It’s his biggest flaw. 

I’ve tried talking to him and praying for him, but he hasn’t changed at all. I don’t like going on car rides with him because it almost always ends with him yelling obscenities at another driver on the road.”

“She broke things when she was angry” — Tunde* (35), M

Tunde’s ex was a sweet, kind babe until she flew into a rage. Then she started to throw things and cause issues for them.

“I really liked my ex. I was even hoping we would settle down. But I had to quit the relationship because of her anger issues. She worked at a bank and was one of the sweetest and kindest people I knew, but when she got angry, all bets were off.

Once, she got mad at a server when we were out at a bar and threw my bottle of beer at her. I thought it was a one-off, but I started to notice that she did it often. Even if it was a work thing that upset her, she’d carry the closest thing to her and throw it hard against a wall.

It started to worry me after a while because what if she threw something at me one day after we married? I jejely carried myself and left that relationship.”

“He was obsessed with me.” — Derin* (28), F

Derin thought her ex really liked her until she noticed it was bordering on the unhealthy side of things.

“At first, I thought it was cute. Before he asked me out, he told me he had been following me around the campus for a while. I was in my final year when we started dating. He would walk me to class, hang out with me after, just normal boyfriend stuff. Then, when I told him I’d be going abroad for my Master’s, he started acting weird. 

If I didn’t reply to his texts immediately, he would say he was sad and would hurt himself. As the date of my departure came closer, he started saying he’d kill himself if I broke up with him. It got too much for me, so a few weeks before I left, I told his family what he had been saying. 

They ended up taking him for a mental health intervention. It was scary. It’s made me a bit wary of letting new people into my life.”

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