Tobi* loved their dad. They were the best of friends and did everything together. But things changed and they started to fight too much, until Tobi felt the only solution was to put as much distance between them as possible.
How would you describe your relationship with your dad growing up?
Tobi: My dad and I were super close when I was younger. We used to wear 鈥渁nd co鈥 and read the books he liked as a child. We always had something to talk about. Everyone around us knew how close we were. If anyone did anything to me, I鈥檇 go report to my dad. I trusted him a lot.
What changed?
Tobi: Entering JS 1 in 2009. Growing up, I was never made to do things like wash my own clothes and sweep. Being thrown into boarding school was hard. He could tell I was going through a lot, but he didn鈥檛 want to do anything about it. It seemed like a very wicked choice to me.
With the amount of time I spent around my classmates, we would share experiences of our family lives. I soon realised there were some things my dad did I casually dismissed because they seemed normal. It wasn鈥檛 always like that, but something changed once I entered secondary school.
He would passive-aggressively preach about me. He always complained I was too quiet, and he took my quietness as anger. Every time we prayed in the house, he kept trying to 鈥渄eliver鈥 me from anger. Then, there were the strange punishments 鈥 he would tell me to kneel in a wardrobe knowing fully well I hate the dark, or fast compulsorily, or lock me in my room.
During holidays, I鈥檇 try to avoid everyone by spending a lot of time in my room, hiding. If I wasn鈥檛 in my room, there鈥檇 be something he鈥檇 berate or punish me for.聽
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How was it like when you finally graduated from secondary school?
Tobi: It got worse. I didn鈥檛 get admission to the university because I was too young, so I spent some time doing tutorials for exams. In the lessons I attended, there were these boys from our church who I occasionally hung out with. Once that started, my dad complained about people seeing me talk to boys. It escalated to the point of him slapping me because they walked me home. It was tiring because he never treated any of my younger siblings like this. I was the bearer of everyone鈥檚 mistakes, and I took all his anger.
How did he treat your siblings?
Tobi: As the eldest child, whatever they did was somehow my fault. Even if I wasn鈥檛 present or aware. Plus, he was always kinder in the way he spoke to them. Sure, he hit them, but he always hit me harder.
That鈥檚 why when I got into university in 2017, the one thing I pushed for was my own place off-campus. Living in the hostel meant you鈥檇 have to go home once school closes. I put a lot of distance between us, and it helped that he didn鈥檛 try to force me back. He never looked for or tried to see me in school. The few times he called, I鈥檇 tune him out. His voice became white noise.
That sounds better
Tobi: It was. Everything was going great until the pandemic started in 2020. With the lockdown, there was already a lot of mental strain we were going through as a society. It broke my spirit, and I didn鈥檛 know what else to do, so I tried to talk to my dad about my mental health and how I felt depressed. His response was to pray it away.
It felt like he was trying to use God to punish me. Whenever I did something he didn鈥檛 like, he鈥檇 try to pray or fast the problem away. It was ridiculous. Then, he tried to convince me that locing my hair was somehow responsible for why my life is the way it is, that God was angry with me. It really affected my relationship with God.聽
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I鈥檓 so sorry
Tobi: After he got tired of shouting at me, he started to hit me. It made me realise I鈥檇 never have a proper relationship with my dad. He鈥檚 destroyed everything that could鈥檝e been used as a bridge.
As the lockdown restrictions eased, I got a remote job that allowed me to still pursue my degree. I moved to live with a friend and didn鈥檛 step foot in the house for a year. Then, on the 30th of December (2020), I went to pick up some clothes and left the house for another year.
What about now?
Tobi: I鈥檝e been spending more time at home now. I haven鈥檛 moved out yet because I can鈥檛 afford to, but I do try to leave the house whenever I can. Currently, I haven鈥檛 stepped foot there in two months. It’s from friend鈥檚 house to friend鈥檚 house. Finishing school and getting a job reduced the amount of control he had over me. So there鈥檚 not much I need him for.
What about your mum and siblings? Do you miss them?
Tobi: I do miss them, but there鈥檚 no amount of missing them that鈥檒l make up for how terrible I鈥檇 feel if I lived with them. I鈥檓 choosing myself. My siblings have a better relationship with him than I do, so they鈥檙e fine. I check in on them regularly.
Have you ever tried to talk to him about how you feel?
Tobi: Recently, I asked him if he knew he was harder on me than any of his other children, and he said he did know. He felt I was going to spoil, so he had to prevent it. Funny because I still spoil las las, but that鈥檚 his own. I didn鈥檛 want to hear anything else he had to say.
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