Sunken Ships is a 91大神 series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships 鈥 familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Mary* and Joseph* are exes who dated for less than a year. In this episode of 91大神 Sunken Ships, they discuss how they should鈥檝e been friends before jumping headfirst into a relationship, and how their friends influenced their breakup.听Here’s their story:
Mary and Joseph met at the birthday party of a mutual friend. They got to talking and realised they liked each other.
Mary was tired of being calculative whenever it came to relationships, and that鈥檚 why when Joseph asked her out, she agreed.
Endless fights and a couple of realisations later, they decide to end their romantic relationship and pursue a new one as friends.听
Why exactly did you break up?
Mary: We are both very stubborn, so our fights were endless. We didn鈥檛 argue or shout at each other, but we鈥檇 refuse to communicate. I鈥檓 not a confrontational person, so instead of talking about what鈥檚 wrong, I鈥檇 go quiet. Unfortunately, he was like that too. That鈥檚 why I broke up with him.
At one point, I also thought he was cheating on me. I saw a video on his phone, and the body language between him and the girl in the video was very fishy. There was even a suggestive kiss, but it wasn鈥檛 on the lips.
Joseph: She didn鈥檛 add that she broke up with me more than once during our relationship. It was at least three times, and all for different reasons. The first time, it was because my friends and her friends got into some drama. The second and third were because we fought, and both gave each other the silent treatment.
The video she鈥檚 talking about was probably an old one from before we even got together. Even the 鈥渟uggestive鈥 kiss, what鈥檚 that? If she didn鈥檛 kiss me on the lips, how was it suggestive?
Mary: I don鈥檛 know how to explain it. It was sha a suggestive kiss.听
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So about this friend drama鈥
Mary: His friends drank and partied a lot in a very unhealthy way. They were also very loud and always involved in girl drama. It鈥檚 like that lifestyle excited them, and it was a stark contrast to my bookish friends who kept to themselves a lot.
They thought he wasn鈥檛 good enough for me and our characters clashed. It may have aided why I broke up with him, but it wasn鈥檛 the main reason.
Joseph: I found the whole concept of her friends thinking I was not good enough ridiculous. At some point, both our friend groups were very close. Close enough that one of her friends almost dated one of mine. Everything was good with the world, but we started dating, and suddenly, her friends had a problem with mine.
And Mary liked the lifestyle. Maybe not the whole package, but she enjoyed the outings and partied moderately. So, what鈥檚 the problem?
Mary: I didn鈥檛 say I broke up with you because of the lifestyle. It was just a reason on top of the many other reasons, such as our inability to have difficult conversations. We didn鈥檛 handle fights healthily, and that needed to end.
Joseph: That鈥檚 fair.听
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So, how did the transition from ex to friends go?
Mary: It was pretty easy. After we broke up, we stopped talking for about a month. Then, we just started talking about anything and everything.
Plus, I had no expectations of him, so some of his actions and reactions didn鈥檛 bother me as much as they would have.
We bantered easily, which was one of the easiest parts of our romantic relationship.
It also helped that we were both on the same page regarding the relationship ending. Nobody was secretly in love with the other and trying to get them back. We are both adults who recognised that one type of relationship didn鈥檛 work out and switched to another.
Joseph: I didn鈥檛 try to fight it. I knew what we had romantically had run its course.
Mary: Funny how it took us breaking up to be good friends finally. My relationship with him is now full of banter and trust. We talk to each other about people we鈥檙e seeing, and I can have difficult conversations with him.
We also did a lot of work on ourselves as individuals. I can have difficult conversations with him as friends, and sometimes, these are conversations I can鈥檛 have with anyone else.
Joseph: Yeah, we have a great relationship. She鈥檚 one of the best people in my life. We went about having a relationship through the wrong route. We should have been friends instead.
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What鈥檚 something you both wish you鈥檇 have done differently in your romantic relationship?
Mary: Talk more. If we had spoken about a lot more things before we started to date, we鈥檇 have realised we needed to work on our friendship as the foundation of whatever we wanted to build romantically.
Joseph: Yeah, we definitely should have talked more.
Do you think the breakup was a good decision?
Joseph: Absolutely. It was good for both of us, but our friendship has been excellent. It鈥檚 so good that I don鈥檛 even refer to her as my ex to people who don鈥檛 know we dated. I tell them she鈥檚 my friend.
Mary: Yes. Our friendship has been nice, and I don鈥檛 think I鈥檇 have preferred it any other way.听
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