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The 10 Stages Of Becoming A Nigerian Politician

Toketemu Ohwovoriole — Sat, 24 Oct 2020 09:20:10 +0000

Becoming a Nigerian politician is a long and tedious process many people are unwilling to go through. But we’ve hacked it for you and broken it down into these 10 simple steps so that you can become a Nigerian politician and start living your best life.

1. You have to start by becoming a political activist.

Call out corrupt politicians on every platform possible and amass a large following. Renounce politics and all politicians because they are the devil’s spawn. Make it clear that you’d rather sell your kidney than become one of them.

2. When you’ve become a very well known activist and a voice of the people, use your popularity to collect political appointment from the same people you were criticising.

After you collect your appointment jump through hoops to defend your appointees and blame everything on the previous government. Rain is falling too much? The previous government embezzled the money that was meant to pay rainmakers to hold the rain.

3. Now, start making promises that you have no intention of ever keeping.

You will give Nigerians 24/7 light and free WiFi. You will build 20 schools in one week. You will reduce the exchange rate to $1 to ₦1. With you, corruption shall go to an early grave.

4. As you progress in your political career decide whether it’s broom or umbrella you want to be carrying.

There are 68 political parties in Nigeria but you know the fastest way to get a post is to carry broom or umbrella.

5. Next find yourself a godfather or godmother to sponsor your career.

You think political campaigns are cheap? Better be ready to drop it down low so you can get sponsorship.

6. Practice your fighting skills especially if you are gunning for a place in the National Assembly.

Maybe ask Uncle Dino for some tips.

7. You have to show Nigerians that you are one of them.

You might be worth millions of (laundered) naira but that doesn’t mean you will stop taking okada or buying corn on the road like the average Nigerian.

The script is to act like you feel their plight, so get in character and act like your life depends on it.

8. As a politician you also need to get yourself security by whatever means.

Hire cultists, militants or religious extremists. What’s your business if they end up becoming a terrorist group because you funded them.

9. You have to get your wardrobe on check too. Get a tailor to sew plenty agbadas for you.

Only make white. White is the colour of serious politicians.

10. Once a year share bags of rice to a few people and take a thousand pictures.

Bathroom slippers too isn’t a bad idea. Depends on the kind of message you intend to pass.

Any time Nigerians accuse you of not doing your job publish the pictures online to show them that you are a very hardworking politician.

Now that we’ve shown you the way go forth and flourish as the baby girl or baby boy politician we know you have the potential to be.

Which Nigerian Politician Are You?

Boyin Plumptre — Fri, 01 Feb 2019 12:48:30 +0000

Are You Dino Melaye?

Do you have a flair for the dramatic? Have you always dreamt of doing your own stunts? Do you think very little of public embarrassment for yourself and family members? Look no further, you are Kogi West Senator — Dino Melaye.

Maybe Lauretta Onochie.

Do you have an undiagnosed social media addiction? Do you care very little about verifying facts and figures? Do you have an insult vocabulary that may or may not sound like a 12 year old’s? If your answers to these are mostly yes, then we have news for you, you are presidential media aide- Lauretta Onochie.

Maybe You Have A Little Bubu Inside You.

Is travel your calling? Are public obligations no big deal to you? Do you chronically avoid public speaking? – we’re talking debates and personal or national addresses here.

Have you ever been called out by your partner in front of a lot of people? The whole country perhaps? Then say no more, you are Nigeria’s 15th president – Muhammadu Buhari.

Do You Share Worrying Similarities With Saraki?

Do you hate your boss? Have you ever accidentally sent a mass email or maybe had a tape leaked to that effect? Bonus points if you ever had to fight a parent to gain freedom.

If you’re nodding aggressively to this, then you are no other than Nigeria’s Senate President- Bukola Saraki.

Are You On The Brink Of Breakthrough Like Atiku?

Have you been waiting for your moment to shine? Does it look so close and yet so far right now? Did you recently take a trip to a country you’ve been scared to visit? Extra, extra points if you and your former boss, who you had serious beef with, are super cool now. Then what do we have here, you just might be the PDP presidential candidate and former vice-president of Nigeria — Atiku Abubakar.

You Could Just Be Oby Ezekwesili.

Do you regularly speak out for the oppressed? Are you ready to start a protest this afternoon if something doesn’t sit right with your spirit?

That said, do you also have commitment issues? Like say you decide to be referee today, center-back next week, before finally deciding, maybe football isn’t really your thing?

If this sounds dangerously close to the life you’re living, then we have news for you, you are former BBOG Founder/PACT referee/ ACPN Presidential Candidate- Oby Ezekwesili.

Are You The Jagaban Himself?

Do you just run things? Do you have a whole city on lockdown, some might say hostage?

Has your power reached the level that you can remove a governor (allegedly) and replace him (allegedly) with someone you like, just because?

If your money isn’t the type that’s on the same level and even surpasses a , then so sorry about that, you are not APC chieftain(?)/ Lagos state strong-holder- Bola Ahmed Tinubu.

Are there dollars in your agabada? Sure you’re not Ganduje?

Can they use dollars to scatter your dada? I mean, you’re Nigerian, so your answer is probably yes. But is your love for dollars so deep, you have special pockets in your agabadas just to haul the cash? (Allegedly)

If you’re the type to cover your ears with Benjamins when the people that need it the most are crying out, then good luck to you, you’re Kano State governor- Abdullahi Ganduje.

The Struggles Of Being A Single Man In Nigeria

Sade — Mon, 03 Sep 2018 11:00:35 +0000

If you thought being a single man in Nigeria was fun, el. oh. el!

All of us are suffering this thing together.

Imagine, somebody is still managing their life and family is already asking you to marry.

Na wah o. Didn’t I finish school just nine years ago?

Your landlord’s wife will call every girl that comes to your house. “Our wife. Welcome o.”

I don’t blame you. It’s my fault that I have six sisters.

If you want to chill with your guys and go with a female friend, wahala. They will tease you to tears.

Please stop talking. Don’t make things awkward. She’s like my sister na! Oh God, why is she giving me this kind of side eye?

And when they see you with another female friend, they will start asking about ‘that your former babe’.

If it were that easy to pull babes, shey I won’t have girlfriend by now? Mumu.

Even your parents will betray you and start asking for their grandchildren.

Wey I never even get babe. Abeg wait small.

When even your ‘irresponsible’ friend gets married, your family will just be looking at you like

See me see trouble o!

Even your married friends that should understand your situation will be telling you to go and marry.

If not that you found somebody to manage you now…

Toasting babes will be giving you high blood pressure.

“She’s fine o. She probably has a boyfriend, though. What if she should give me L? Do I look alright? Chai, this my shirt don fade. I should have sprayed that perfume. Cheesus!”

At one point, you won’t even have your guys to chill wilth again because they’ll all have babes.

All of a sudden, you’ll know the difference between alone and lonely.

When you get to a certain age and you’re still not married, people will start wondering and asking what is wrong with you.

Na wah o. It’s like this my life, we are all sharing it abi?

My brother, if you let people give you heart attack for singleness that is not their own, well… Issalova Jackie.

Just take it easy and enjoy your life before you make a huge mistake!

All The Types Of Politicians You’ll Recognise As A True Nigerian

Eniola — Mon, 30 Jul 2018 10:24:10 +0000

Nigeria is a country blessed with an extraordinarily diverse set of people. Our politicians are a different breed of their own.

Let’s talk about of the distinct types of politicians in Nigeria.

The first type of politicians are the calm ones, believe it or not, some of them fall under this category.

Whatever the situation, they remain calm.

Then we have the CEOs of trouble making.

From jumping fence to tearing cloth, these ones can scatter anywhere.

You know those types of people who can lie their way out of every situation?

No comment.

There’s the special ones who have Ph.Ds in dancing.

They play a very vital role in the Nigerian politics.

Let’s not forget the ones who have refused to fully retire.

Help us beg these baby boys o. It’s okay.

This category is for the ones who grace us with their beautiful grammar once in a while.

Higi Haga. Crinkum Crankum.

The ones who are always in the news for one drama or the other.

We know the people we’ll send to Big Brother next year.

What of the ones that change party like SIM cards?

Bye bye to jati jati
— Senator Dino Melaye. (SDM) (@_dinomelaye)

Home is where the power is.

There are the ones that are just doing House of Cards with Nigeria

Will the real Frank Underwood please stand up?

What about the ones who do everything but their job?

Is that why we’re here?

Is this list even complete without the Keyboard Warriors?

Lion on the Internet, but meow-meow when it’s time to solve our problems.

Finally, we have the ones who are ready to change Nigeria.

We’re still waiting for the change sha.

So if you’re tired of all this nonsense, perhaps the first step is to:

Make your voice heard. Visit and learn how to register to get your PVC ASAP.

What type of politician did we miss out on? Tell us in the comments below or tweet us @zikokomag!

These Are The Funniest Nigerian Political Party Logos We’ve Ever Seen

Toketemu Ohwovoriole — Wed, 04 Jul 2018 12:56:09 +0000

Politics in Nigeria is forever a source of humour for us. With the likes of Dino Melaye occupying seats of power, it’s a wonder this country is still running. When it comes to Nigerian politics and humour though, one of the funniest things we’ve come across in a while are these political party logos:

Abundant Nigeria Renewal Party (ANRP)

We tried our hardest to decipher this logo but we still have so many questions. Why is a plant growing out of the laptop? Why is the laptop in a map of Nigeria?

Sustainable National Party (SNP)

We thought very hard about it and we couldn’t come up with a single reason a bell will be used as a party logo. Must be closing time.

United Democratic Party

There’s nothing you want to tell us. Whoever came up with this logo just went home and told their child to draw anything on paper then used it as party logo.

Peoples Democratic Movement (PDM)

Please, what’s the torchlight for? Is it to remind us that there is no light in Nigeria? Are they trying to shine a light on Nigeria? What does it mean?

All Progressives Grand Alliance (APGA)

We know how much Nigerians love anything that signifies enjoyment but we don’t understand what a chicken is looking for on a political party’s logo.

All Progressives Congress (APC)

We’ve always wondered what APC’s broom signified. Over the last three years, we’ve discovered that their plan is to sweep all Nigerians out of the country. How else will you explain the rate at which Nigerians are leaving the country under this government?

National Conscience Party

We don’t know which is funnier, the name of this political party or the logo. As if any Nigerian politician has a conscience. If you don’t close your eyes there.

Socialist Party of Nigeria (SPN)

No political party logo vexed us as much as this one. Where is the light to put on the light bulb? They should have just put a generator next to it so we know they are serious.

Re-build Nigeria Party (RBNP)

We are willing to bet this month’s salary that this logo was picked out of one of those old Macmillan textbooks.

Fresh Democratic Party (FDP)

What does the clock signify? Why is the time at 8 o’clock? Was that the exact time Okotie had his vision of becoming the president of Nigeria?

New Generation Party of Nigeria (NGP)

This is how you know the people who don’t want us to progress. 2018 but you don’t want us to be using AC to cool ourselves. We should still be using hand fan? In the end —all these parties, relevant or not, ugly logos or not, the one thing that gets to decide whether or not we keep them or kick them, is getting your PVC. If you still haven’t gotten yours, do you really want Nigeria to be better? If you are confused as to how to go about it then check out our handy guide to getting your PVC here.

13 Pictures About Nigerian Politicians That Are Beyond Accurate

Daniel Orubo — Thu, 21 Jul 2016 13:00:42 +0000

1. Nigerian politicians summed up in a poem:

Too accurate.

2. Nigerian politicians and “resign”:

What is a “resign”?

3. This one about the INEC chairman:

Free and fair ko.

4. When Nigerian politicians show you their true colours.

ALL THE TIME.

5. Nigerian politicians and their counterparts abroad:

See these ones.

6. Nigerian politicians and equality:

“It is unafrican.”

7. This perfect shade:

Too perfect, abeg.

8. This very apt correction:

Nobody is happier than a Nigerian politician.

9. Nigerian politicians and misplaced concern:

Na wa!

10. The only things Nigerian politicians know how to say:

Where their vocabulary starts and ends.

11. This one about the national cake:

Manage the rest.

12. This one about Nigerian politicians and indecision:

They must not carry last.

13. This one about Nigeria’s money:

Is it a lie?

18 Nigerians Who Need To Face Their Work

Jola Ayeye — Thu, 21 Jul 2016 12:36:20 +0000

In Nigeria, one of the major problems we have is that people don’t like facing their work, and so to help make the country a much better place we have compiled a list of people that need to face their work and do it now!

1. The Nigerian Executive who needs to stop travelling and face their govermenting work

My friend sit down in one place!

2. Senators and House of Reps members need to stop fighting and face their legislature work

Is that what we sent you to do?

3. Telecommunications companies need to stop doing bonanza and promo and face their phone calls and data work

Must we beg you for data that we paid for?

4. Pharmacists need to stop judging people buying condoms and face their medicine dispensing work

Last last, you people will be alright.

5. Nigerian policemen need to leave their egunje paroles and face their work

Thief has not finished in Nigeria for you people to catch oh. In case you people are not aware.

6. LASTMA need to stop jumping inside people’s cars and face their traffic management work

Is this traffic safety? Ehn?

7. Nigerian civil servants need to stop striking every other month and face their work

Will you go back to the office? Unserious bunch!

8. CBN needs to stop banning items eligible for forex and face their work

Do those ones even know their work because the inflation rate begs to differ.

9. Nigerian banks need to stop painting buildings and sponsoring events and face their money management work

Every day na so so media partnership but to send alert is wahala.

10. NYSC needs to stop stressing young Nigerians and face their “increasing harmony across the nation” work

I mean just look at!

11. NEPA needs to stop cutting people’s light and face their light-giving work

Mschewwww.

12. Nigerian pastors need to stop preaching jagbajantis and face their “Jesus is coming” work

Plus the faulty economics, plus the entrepreneurship for dummies sermons, plus the yanma yanma relationship coaches. All join.

13. EFCC needs to stop making announcements and face their “nabbing financial criminals” work

Not everyday make announcement, sometimes allow criminals enter jail.

14. OAP’s need to stop chooking their mouth in every and any body’s business and face their radio work

If you don’t join your mouth will you die?

15. Nigerian extended family members need to face their own family and leave other people’s children alone

Better stop talking before we expose your own children here!

16. Nigerians on social media need to face their front and stop tweeting nonsense relationship advice

Not everyday “soul ties” and “nudes”. Sometimes keep shut!

17. Nigerian teachers and principals need to stop beating students like goats and face their education work

18. In fact, everybody

Please and thank you

This message is brought to you by 91��! Where we face our work.

11 Excuses Nigerian Politicians Give For Our Problems

Odunayo — Thu, 28 Apr 2016 06:15:40 +0000

And sometimes by excuses, we mean lies. In some cases, they cannot even be bothered to excuse their behavior.

1. “Why don’t we have fuel?”

2. “What is being done about those stealing Nigeria’s money?”

3. “Why don’t we have electricity?”

4. “Why is there a lack of women’s rights in Nigeria?”

5. “What is the cause of the high unemployment rate?”

6. “Why is the government not paying workers’ salaries on time?”

7. “Why’s the value of the Naira reducing so much?”

8. “Why is Nigeria in so much debt?”

9. “What is the current situation with Boko Haram?”

10. “Why is there so much corruption in Nigeria?”

11. “Why’s the educational system so bad?”

Nigerian Politicians And Foreign Politicians Have A Lot More In Common Than We Thought And Here’s Why

Maryam — Fri, 18 Mar 2016 10:24:32 +0000

Let’s go a little back in time to the elections period in Nigeria.

To when realistic and unrealistic promises were made, and “generous”politicians suddenly remembered the hungry, starving, Nigerian masses.

And since honesty isn’t necessarily a Nigerian trait..

Many politicians shared branded food items (and other gifts) which were eagerly received by some greedy voters.

Packaged rice.

For those that place Jollof above necessary infrastructure that should be provided by Nigerian leaders.

Odourless Fufu

In case the smell of mainstream Fufu gets in the way.

And recharge card to call the love of your life.

Aren’t our politicians just thoughtful?

Let’s flip the script and go to Europe where this politician is going to spend two years in prison.

Florin Popescu, a Romanian politician is being jailed for a crime he committed in 2012 while he was lobbying for votes for his re-election into office as a council leader.

He used his political position to secure an order of 60 tonnes of fried chicken worth $85,000 and shared it to voters in a bid to make them vote for him.

He loaded the chicken packages into trailers and distributed them at several locations. Although he resigned earlier in February 2016 and claimed it was for the “good of the country”, Florin currently nicknamed the will be cooling off in prison for two years as part of Romania’s crackdown on Kwaraption!

Will this kind of crackdown ever happen in Nigeria?

We wait. [zkk_poll post=24520 poll=content_block_standard_format_8]

All The Shady Things Nigerian Politicians Do

Maryam — Tue, 12 Jan 2016 14:04:58 +0000

We love Nigerian politicians with their endless empty promises and ridiculousness.

Very cute.

Sometimes, they come right at us with these acts of ridiculousness.

Other times, they are coded. These #CodedTinzPoliticiansDo tweets are proof of the indirect manner our politicians show us love.

Loot and when they are probed wuld b shouting political persecution…
— Lawalson Precious. (@Prexzi)

When they are generous enough to feed the masses.

— iamOdino (@TweetNaijaBlog)

This trangender transformation.